Shocked Suzie Posted August 16, 2013 Share Posted August 16, 2013 (edited) S[/B]o, with the above said, my question is: When the BS has a D-day (however it happens), and either the WS or the AP or BOTH are still in "the Fog", what are the BS's supposed to do? How do we handle it? When it's the WS, I think we are able to make choices and (finally) demands about how WE need things to proceed should WS desire to attempt R. But even then, how are we to respond? OP firstly I'd like to say great post with great responses My question to yours is.... I've been told by many that this day will come at some stage... Personally I've never thought it would and to be honest never think it will. But because so many have said one day he will wake up and see what he has lost n done I have often thought the same! I suppose we won't know until it happens, that's if it happens cause I can't see it myself. SS x Edited August 16, 2013 by Shocked Suzie Link to post Share on other sites
Spotme Posted August 18, 2013 Share Posted August 18, 2013 I think the summary of this thread should be made into a pinned post to complement the one for WS. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted August 19, 2013 Share Posted August 19, 2013 S[ OP firstly I'd like to say great post with great responses My question to yours is.... I've been told by many that this day will come at some stage... Personally I've never thought it would and to be honest never think it will. But because so many have said one day he will wake up and see what he has lost n done I have often thought the same! I suppose we won't know until it happens, that's if it happens cause I can't see it myself. SS x The question that is didnt really ask was... do they all come out of the fog?? I personally can't see mine ever doing so... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ComingInHot Posted August 19, 2013 Author Share Posted August 19, 2013 Heya shocked suzie, I honestly can't give you an answer for your stitch. I can only say that whatever "fog" the A caught my H up in, passed quickly. But that is only my experience. I hope for you shockedsuzie, that wherever this A leads, it will the first where there is No heartbreak, sorrow and years of healing for Anyone* Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 19, 2013 Share Posted August 19, 2013 It's not just a label applied by the WS to the WS. Poor sentence structure on my part. The fog is the name of the mental state that is applied to a WS. BS learn how the fog is the WS defense by justifying their affair. When WS come out of the fog they will realize that they were in the fog. Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted August 19, 2013 Share Posted August 19, 2013 Heya shocked suzie, I honestly can't give you an answer for your stitch. I can only say that whatever "fog" the A caught my H up in, passed quickly. But that is only my experience. I hope for you shockedsuzie, that wherever this A leads, it will the first where there is No heartbreak, sorrow and years of healing for Anyone* Thanks too late for that lots of heartache n sorrow sadly, I don't even know why I wonder if ever he will have regret and attempt to connect with me again...after what he has done, when I see him I feel no love for him... He has killed what we once has. I suppose it would make me feel a bit better knowing that I actually meant something to him. Anyway again fab post n read to all 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ComingInHot Posted August 19, 2013 Author Share Posted August 19, 2013 Road, I'm always intimidated by your posting style, even when I agree with you, so please show mercy if I have misunderstood...* I agree that this "fog" call it what you may happens for the WS & OW/OM. However, I don't so much see the BS being in a "fog" so much as maybe the following: -Blind Rage -Shock - Survival Mode - Panic - Finally a sense of CLARITY w/getting the truth IN conjunction with some or all above... But how the word/phrase "Affair Fog" is used by AP & WS & even BS, it's like a euphoric state of being not based in reality of the actual situation or with all tne players. Even if the A ends badly, it seems that state can remain with either party and that is where things can get even uglier... Anyway Road, thank you* Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted August 19, 2013 Share Posted August 19, 2013 I agree that the BS is in utter shock and then denial following DDay. I don't believe that is fog. It's PTSD as they try to fathom the deception. In many an affair relationship, false assumptions are adopted by the WS and then repeated internally to justify staying in the affair or assuaging a guilty conscience, or both. There is a whole litany of nonsensical verbiage coming out of their mouths often angrily directed at the BS, which has little basis in reality. instead of defending one's self and winding up in that lose-lose cycle of arguing, it's better to just wish them and their AP well if that is how they truly feel. THEN PACK THEIR BAGS AND CHANGE THE LOCKS. Continued contact with the AP also perpetuates the fog as they try to talk themselves out of the marital relationship and back to the affair. As long as a BS continues to be perceived as the persecutor, the villain, the AP is the hero rescuer. I just made it clear that I was not having it. I deserved better....and I hoped they were happy together. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
compulsivedancer Posted August 19, 2013 Share Posted August 19, 2013 Continued contact with the AP also perpetuates the fog as they try to talk themselves out of the marital relationship and back to the affair. This is a good way to put it. These were pretty common at first, even though I was NC and there was no chance AP and I were going to have a relationship of any sort after DDay. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 This is a good way to put it. These were pretty common at first, even though I was NC and there was no chance AP and I were going to have a relationship of any sort after DDay. FREE yourself from the triangle. Your OM does not where a halo because the affair relationship is sooo unproven, so untested. Your H is NOT the persecutor here. He is just a man. Your role is to be a better communicator of your needs and identify what makes you happy to your a H if you are serious about happy Reconciliation and to take steps to enact it. It is SO easy to pine for the untested fantasy than to deal with a so-so reality. Only YOU can make your reality better, more rewarding. DO IT. Link to post Share on other sites
compulsivedancer Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 FREE yourself from the triangle. Your OM does not where a halo because the affair relationship is sooo unproven, so untested. Your H is NOT the persecutor here. He is just a man. Your role is to be a better communicator of your needs and identify what makes you happy to your a H if you are serious about happy Reconciliation and to take steps to enact it. It is SO easy to pine for the untested fantasy than to deal with a so-so reality. Only YOU can make your reality better, more rewarding. DO IT. It's getting there. I've definitely had some perspective shifts. For clarity, we have not broken NC at all on either side since DDay, but there were a few times that my mind would start to spiral and it would be almost like my brain was trying to convince itself out of the marriage. An odd odd thing. Link to post Share on other sites
BryanP37 Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 (edited) Looking back on my Ex WS at time of discovery, her fog was about the rush and euphoria of taking the risk and getting away with it for almost 4 months. She didn't truly have a romantic connection with her AP. Just someone to have drinks and a roll in the hay with on the way home from work, all the while keeping up the front of the dutiful wife. I honestly don't think she envisioned what was going to happen when I found out, or she may have envisioned me never finding out. She grossly misread me and what my reaction to finding out would be. Whatever fog she was in lifted abruptly once I confronted her and she immediately went into damage control trying to minimize what had been going on. That may even be a fog in itself when the WW tries to make screwing around with her best friends husband appear as no big deal, and that the BH should just accept that it won't happen again. Divorce papers cleared that air in a hurry too. Edited August 20, 2013 by BryanP37 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 21, 2013 Share Posted August 21, 2013 Fog is actually love' date=' people in love. Call it another name if you want but whatever you call it, it is love.[/quote'] Ok- ill try it. I think my xbf was in a "fog" the whole time he was cheating, but maybe not. Lets call it love instead. Ex bf was in love with escorts from Craigslist. Exbf was in love with getting wanked at massage parlors. Exbf was in love with one-night-stands with MOW's from Ashley Madison website. Exbf was in love with.... Nah I'm done. I tried it- but I'm sticking with fog. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted August 23, 2013 Share Posted August 23, 2013 I'm just here briefly so forgive me for only reading the OP's first post and nothing else. Responding to that, I'd say that when an AP in the fog is chasing after a WS after Dday that would be one reason murder is often associated with affairs. I can see a BS being driven to take that horrible action in response to seeing their WS being tempted over and over by an AP in the fog that won't go away. I don't condone murder but I can see how some might fall into thinking that was an acceptable thing in this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted August 23, 2013 Share Posted August 23, 2013 Ok- ill try it. I think my xbf was in a "fog" the whole time he was cheating, but maybe not. Lets call it love instead. Ex bf was in love with escorts from Craigslist. Exbf was in love with getting wanked at massage parlors. Exbf was in love with one-night-stands with MOW's from Ashley Madison website. Exbf was in love with.... Nah I'm done. I tried it- but I'm sticking with fog. Funny, funny stuff. My exwife didn't even claim to love her OM. They were both trying to fix their troubled marriages. If that's not fog, I don't know what is. It sure wasn't love. Link to post Share on other sites
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 23, 2013 Share Posted August 23, 2013 Funny, funny stuff. My exwife didn't even claim to love her OM. They were both trying to fix their troubled marriages. If that's not fog, I don't know what is. It sure wasn't love. Ugh. Stab in the heart and twist the knife- your ex is a real piece of work. Awhile back someone said - BetrayedH's ex couldn't get to hell because the devil is afraid of her or something like that. They were right. Even though I don't believe in hell or the devil. She just plain old sucks. She wasnt lost in a misty fog like some people. She is a Halloween fog machine. the thing I've noticed most on LS: AP's participate in Affairs/ cheating for all kinds of reasons. The only thing I can find in common with all cheating is that it is always a system of destruction- who/what it destroys, and how much damage is done varies with the circumstances but it always causes destruction to something or someone 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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