Wife may want out. Womans side needed

[bobjon]

Technically not married, together mostly for 12yrs. 2 kids, 11yo, 3yo. Things have been rocky for years, no cheating, total lack of communication. First got together due to pregnancy. separated for 5yrs. Separate homes but still together. I drove there every night.

 

Now living together again for 3yrs. Last year, I put it on the floor that we are either getting help or done. I keep pleading with her to talk and tell me her feelings. I write long emails to her trying to work on things, sit her down, etc. She never reciprocates.

 

She had a rough childhood. Mom married 4x, 1 step dad was verbally abusing. Therapist has been working with her to cope with PTSD type feeling. I am now told I have bipolar type tendencies and have some anger issues I guess. I do get mad easy. There was one incident about 10yrs ago where we were arguing and she just kept pushing me. I grabbed her aggressively. She agreed that she was purposely trying to push me and I was out of control.

 

FF to today, I have voiced many times the total lack of intimacy. When we have sex, it is GOOD. We are good together that way and I usually make her orgasm. However, I have told her 1x/mo or whatever is not cutting it. There is also a total lack of touch, feel, deep talk, etc. All things that help a marriage survive. She is just disconnected.

 

Sat her down other day and was told she my mood swings concern her and never knows if I am going to be mad. I personally feel I am not that bad and she is hypersensitive but....

 

She straight said, it is over or "she can't handle any more", etc. This is one week after a good family vacation. We kissed one time durring vaca that I initiated. Recently spoke of plans for the future. She is also allowing me to touch her while we sleeping in the same bed. To my knowledge, she is doing nothing to find a place to live, etc.

 

I am just very confused as to what I should do. I told her I would like to push all my chips in and resolve my medical issues with meds and such if needed. She said she did not want me to put all my chips in. I tried to hug her after our big talk and though she allowed the hug, she did not reciprocate.

 

I decided to sneak a red rose in to her place a business last night for her to find this morning. I am sure she will say nothing of it....

 

So, does this sound like a girl that is hurting and we need more help, or someone that has checked out and I did not get the memo? I am just confused by the mixed signals. Why would be do a family vaca 1 week before she says "we all done"? Nothing happened during vaca or in that week.

[Misfortune]

You sound like a bank robber with all your demands. You hear that (me, I, me, I)? what about her needs/wants? You only mention her whenever you can make her look bad. You need to mellow out a bit and not put your hands on her in a violent manner. You both need help. She's seeing a therapist, what are you doing about your issues? If you don't like your situation, leave or give it time to work itself out. Maybe she just wanted a vaca to relax from you stressing her with the force, Luke.

Edited August 15, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[bobjon]

Obviously my frustration is really coming out through my fingers!

 

To clarify, we BOTH have been in therapy together for 1yr which I arranged and pay for. She has had some private sessions without me to work on her issues.

 

I really hate to paint her in a bad light because she really is not a bad person. Someone I can trust all the way, good mother, thoughtful in other ways, etc. But our intimate relationship is not there and I am NOT just talking about sex. We don't touch at ALL or at least she does not touch me and it causes me to resent her.

 

I have honestly had a revelation since this last round that I really do need to find out if/what is wrong with me, what is her, and how can I get better. My dad was/is a hot head and I don't want to go through life that way. I have NOT touched her in a violent manner in a decade. That was one time that was heavily provoked.

[2sunny]

So you say you do anger easily.

 

She says she can't trust you to have consistent moods so she feels safe and protected by being consistent in your moods.

 

So your solution is to tell her she's " too sensitive" and you're "not that bad"?

 

You discounted her feelings! You told her she shouldn't feel the way she fells!

 

You are asking her to betray herself and how she feels, that's not right!

 

Classic - she's with the abuser who diminishes her feelings - yet stays.

 

Unless you intend to change - and become predictable and stable in your moods - enough to where she feels safe and protected - she will feel abused and that makes you her abuser.

 

It is her comfort zone - based on her history - and she needs help to break free from what she knows as her comfort zone.

 

Unless you change - expect her to be unhappy with what she's settled for in life - that abused victim.

[Misfortune]

Obviously my frustration is really coming out through my fingers!

 

To clarify, we BOTH have been in therapy together for 1yr which I arranged and pay for. She has had some private sessions without me to work on her issues.

 

I really hate to paint her in a bad light because she really is not a bad person. Someone I can trust all the way, good mother, thoughtful in other ways, etc. But our intimate relationship is not there and I am NOT just talking about sex. We don't touch at ALL or at least she does not touch me and it causes me to resent her.

 

I have honestly had a revelation since this last round that I really do need to find out if/what is wrong with me, what is her, and how can I get better. My dad was/is a hot head and I don't want to go through life that way. I have NOT touched her in a violent manner in a decade. That was one time that was heavily provoked.

 

What is technically married? Why'd you guys decide to live together after 5 years apart? What changed? Do you communicate better now? She hasn't told you anything about what's bothering her now, other than her childhood issues?

 

All of this "lack of..." Stuff does suck when you're in a relationship. I commend you for trying to work through it. Have you tried putting your wants/needs aside and being there for her? Giving her space to relax and let her come to you on her own time?

[2sunny]

Abuse shows by unpredictable moods swings - she doesn't know what to expect - she gets scared by you being moody.

 

Have you read the five love languages together? It seems you need affirmation by touch - does she know that? What is her love language? You need to know what hers is.

 

If she doesn't feel safe with you - she's not likely to want the intimacy - she's with holding because she intends to punish you for mood swings.

 

Being the victim may not be something she can over come - it may be all she knows - doesn't mean she will change a thing - just means she will continue punishing you for inconsistent mood swings.

 

Can you work on yourself? Can you get rid of your anger and unpredictable moods?

[bobjon]

Yes, we sat down on the PC and did our languages together so we could see how and why we answered the way we did. She is also touch and words of affirmation. We are pretty similar there.

 

I do here you loud and clear and appreciate the responses. I told her in the email that I do not want to be the guy that is responsible for dimming her light and I am now trying to shoulder that responsibility. I am on 5 meds that I have been researching, looking at EMDR therapy for any learned childhood anger, and also looking into thyroid and blood sugar issues. I never actually realize irritability is actually a clinical term!

 

I am trying hard to see this through her eyes as much as I can. I have given all the space in the world, to the point of not saying a word to her for a month. It just does not matter. The issue is that I get more and more frustrated the more we don't communicate. If I knew it would fix something, I would be fine with it but it has proven that if I pull back, she does too and we are further apart.

 

No I DON'T like being called an abuser but I will own it just the same. I just want to shed that name some day.

 

What I am trying to ask with the post is do you think she is really done here if I can make the changes needed?

[RightThere]

No I DON'T like being called an abuser but I will own it just the same. I just want to shed that name some day.

 

I hate to break it to you, but it can be forgiven, not forgotten.

 

What I am trying to ask with the post is do you think she is really done here if I can make the changes needed?

 

Don't spend your energy thinking about her changes. Just focus on yours. If she wants to change, she will. If she doesn't want to change, then you are already a better person based on the changes you've made.

[2sunny]

The most you can change is YOUR PART IN IT = the way you participate...must be contrary to your old behavior.

 

Being on 5 meds - one does wonder if the "real you" is actually able to process what's really going on...?

 

First find the "best you - you CAN BE"! Then offer that to her - for years and years to show CONSISTENCY - and to BECOME believable - when your words and actions are in alignment...

 

One slip up and she won't trust - again!

 

Why her or not she accepts and embraces your changes - is up to her getting rid of her family of origin - her assigned meaning.

 

IF she can change herself - after you have adjusted to your true beauty - remains to be known.

 

Good luck - I hope you grow and learn how to be your best self!

[bobjon]

Thanks! For clarification, my meds list are only OTC supplements to help with chemical imbalance, as well as exercise, therapy, etc.

 

I hear what you are saying about my changes. Guess I will just have to try and see what happens.

[2sunny]

What kind of over the counter? Why call it medicine? Is it vitamins?