In an LDR but I feel single cuz i never see him!!!! Please help!

[Sweets1919]

I have been dating a guy since this past August...so about two and a half months. We were mutual friends of a couple who got married and the night of the wedding we hung out all night.

 

Well neither of us live in our home town...I have moved province away for work. I have a full time gov't job and my own house so I'm fairly settled (except I'm looking for a solid relationship!!!) He works in the same province as me but he works about 5 hours away from me. He works two weeks on and then gets one week off. The problem is that during his week off he goes back to our home town (14 hr drive away...he flies) for about four of his seven days off. The first two times he had weeks off he did not go back to our hometown because of money reasons and helping me and my stepdad do some work on my house.However, three weeks ago and now this weekend, he comes to my house on Wednesday....he's very tired and usually falls asleep around 9pm. On Thursday he leaves and goes to our hometown. Then he comes back to see me from Sunday evening until Tuesday evening....then he is gone for another two weeks.

 

When he is away at "home" I rarely hear from him. I understand he wants to see friends and family, but the texts and calls to say "hi" don't seem to come like they did in our first month together. And when he is away at work he works either 7am-7pm or vice versa so we never have long chats...just a "hi I'm going to bed" pretty much. I just don't see how our relationship can grow or we can even really get to know each other if the only days he's with me are a few (3-6) a month and those are all nights that I work the next morning and during the day (I have a monday to friday job).

 

I was thinking of asking him to either spend his whole next week off at my place (se we could have evenings and the whole weekend together) or even fly home on the wednesday and fly to me on the saturday so we could have a couple days together when I'm not at work.....then see his response

 

This is my first LDR. He was in a long term relationship before me and it was ldr for 4 of 9yrs they were together....so i guess he is used to this. I think he and I might have rushed into things. When we first started seeing each other he told me he wasn't sure if he wanted a relationship, but then about a month later he told me he was in love with me and wanted to be together. I just hate the fact that I spend all these weekends alone. I feel like I am single except for a few days a month when I have this guy come and stay at my house.

 

He will be at my house tomorrow.....any ideas of how I should approach this with him ...if i should....

[SoleMate]

Definitely bring it up with him. What's the point of having an intimate relationship if you can't talk about the things that really matter to you?

 

I think he and I might have rushed into things. When we first started seeing each other he told me he wasn't sure if he wanted a relationship, but then about a month later he told me he was in love with me and wanted to be together

Well, his words say that he wants to be with you, and his actions say that he spends the majority of his discretionary time away from you.

 

I just don't see how our relationship can grow or we can even really get to know each other if the only days he's with me are a few (3-6) a month and those are all nights that I work the next morning and during the day

It's not impossible, but it would take a lot of commitment and motivation on both sides. I do think you moved too fast. You wanted more than he has been able to give so far. He might actually prefer a somewhat detached relationship without a lot of contact. Some people do, and can stay in them quite happily for years. But it doesn't appear to be meeting your needs.

 

I'll be honest...I don't even really understand the idea of a LDR with someone you just met. I always thought you had to spend the time together FIRST - months or years - to really develop a connection that could withstand temporary separation. You get to love someone, and be loved by him, to the extent that you are both meeting each other's most important emotional needs - be they for companionship, sex, security, recreation, whatever. Most of those things aren't happening in your relationship. And it's so new that changing jobs or living arrangements would be foolhardy.

 

Unless he is the most wonderful guy on planet earth, or willing to make some big changes to give you more interaction, I would just gently tell him that it isn't working, and let him know you are returning him respectfully to the dating pool.