I hit my son in 1996 now he is mad and wont talk to me.

[caracruise]

I don't even know where to begin, because there are so many things effecting this.

Bear with me, please.

 

I have a 20 year old son.

In 2000, after a lot of conflict and many problems, I told my husband I wanted a divorce.

Yes, I was of course at fault for a lot of things.

 

I do not believe in spanking children.

By the time my son was 4 years old, he would act out with his dad, who decided he would like to try spanking as disclipline.

 

So he tried it. I did not. I didn't like it and soon made clear that I didn't think it was helping. So my ex, who had worked in a psychiatrict hospital off and on for years, decided to do 'take downs" instead.

 

The "take down" consisted of holding our son, then 4 years old in a position where he couldn't make hardly a move. The child would fight it and cry and scream, and my ex would tell him he would let him go once he calmed down.

 

It was extremely distressful to watch. More so, because when I would get upset, my ex would do the same thing to me. I would fight and kick and bite trying to get away.

 

I will be honest, yes, I would lose control. Anything to get away from being pinned against a wall, the floor, etc.

 

These events would stem from arguments where eventually I would get so upset I would sometimes hit my ex. Then the take down would happen. It was 15 years ago. Of course I recognized that the situation was very bad. I felt my ex was goading me into upsets. For example we had disagreements, he would follow me all over the house as I tried to get away from him. Upstairs, down stairs. I would lock myself in the bathroom because he wouldn't leave me alone.

 

The first time I hit my ex was after our son was born. I grew up in an extreme situation with a lot of abuse. I NEVER wanted to be that way. My ex demanded that I go to intense therapy while pregnant in the hopes, he said, that I would not abuse or kill our child.

 

I had never shown any actions of abuse before that, but he always said he couldn't see how anyone could get through what I had gone through, without being seriously messed up. I had anxiety issues, but beyond that I didn't feel or act ( I thought) messed up.

 

So after our son was born, my ex really ground into me that I could snap at anytime and kill the baby. I was horrified. I had a c-section and at home with the baby there was no one to help me. My ex was gone all day, demanded I not let my wonderful mother around ( she is the most awesome lady, a true steel magnolia) . My ex demanded no contact at all with my family. He also had a tooth ache at the time, and said he didn't see where I was in much pain from the c-section, so he took my pain meds from me to use for himself, and went about his business.

 

My point is, I was exhausted, in pain, no help, and he came home saying over and over that I would kill the baby. I eventually snapped on him and smacked him on the back. Well stupid me, he now had proof of my violence. And all I heard afterward was "your history of abuse and mental illness".

 

To anyone who slogged through that, thank you for still reading, I am trying to simply giving a background. The take downs were based on me showing upset and anger enough that my ex felt I was about to lose it and kill people or something. During the marriage, this happened about 2 times a year, for about 7 years.

 

So in 2000, after years of this, I could see it was effecting my son. I told my ex I wanted a divorce. The plan was made that my son and I would move into an apartment locally, and we would share custody.

 

Within a few weeks my ex developed a paranoia that I was going to kidnap my son and move to UK. I had a friend in UK. I had no such plans, and it's not even possible to get a child on a plan without proper documentation. He didn't bother to check.

 

So once again the goading began. I was to blame for everything, had not moved out yet, my ex was all over me about "coaching" our son to be disrespectful to him. My ex wouldn't stop being at me. I told him look, you have a relationship with our son ( then 7 years old). You are the grown up, he is the child. Address this issue with him. Well, he tried and our son was very angry and defiant.

 

One day I heard our son crying and walked into the room, it wasn't a nice scene and I stepped in. Told our son to go play in another room. I personally never had problems with my son, he usually did as asked by me. If not, I just redirected him.

 

My ex was not happy with this. He insisted I was doing all sorts of things I was not doing, he was telling me off, very disrespectful and trying to force me to agree with him. Well I didn't.

 

I am not proud of myself for what happened next. He was in my face , I mean inches, saying these things, and I freaked out and slapped him. This turned into a massive brawl where he was slapping me back and holding me down. I couldn't get away and started to scream. He did let me go then.

 

Of course in the conflict, I had scratched him. I had a black eye, he had scratch marks.

 

Definitely we needed to be away from each other.

 

So things were quiet the coming week. Money would be coming in to get the apartment. What happened instead haunts me. My ex took the money and hid it. I was unsupsecting. He went through my purse, took all money, cleaned out my accounts of money, took credit cards. I didn't realize this that day. Only later I did.

 

He then said hey how about a break for you, I will take son out to eat and let you rest, you look very tired. I thought it was weird of him, but said ok.

 

About half an hour later, the police arrived at the door. They told me they needed to talk to me. I was freaking out, I thought something had happened to husband and son. They then told me that my husband had committed me to a mental ward.

 

I was astounded, utterly shocked. he had always threatened to and I never believed he could. So I went along peacefully. They told me at the hospital that he believed I was schizoprhenic or bi polar. He told them I self injured and they asked to see scars. I didn't understand and showed them the c-section scar.

 

Pretty soon they said honey you have been railroaded! But I was stuck 72 hour observation due to state laws.

 

I was released. The experience was hugely traumatic to me. After I was there I started having panic attacks.

 

At the hearing where I was released, I said 2 things to my ex: how could you do this to me and what is you are trying to get.

 

He told me I deserved it and he wanted me to commit myself BACK to the mental ward to get help for 6 months to a year. I disagreed on that.

 

So he said would you like to see our son? Of course I was dying to. We agreed to meet back at the house. My mom was with me, so we went over and waited. No sign of anyone until a police officer showed up and served me with a restraining order.

 

Ex had gone direct from the mental health hearing to a judge and managed to get an order.

 

Then ex arrived, he told me he had hidden our son, changed the locks on the door and he didnt give a f**k if I lived in a ditch from now on.

He had taken all the money. I had a little business and he had taken all of my equipement and locked it up and refused to let me get it. Eventually I had to get a court order to get those things.

 

So mom took me home to her house, and I was in for the fight of my life to get my son back. My ex quit his job and spent all of his time trying to ruin my life. It was ruined. I was accused of child abuse, sexual abuse. I lost my credit, my friends. I gained partial custody of my son during this period and eventually had primary custody. My ex said "you won because you are a woman."

 

Ok. I didn't care. I had the only thing that mattered to me in the end: my son.

 

So my son and I go along and I stay in town to make sure he has easy access to his dad. Not once did I ever get in the way of their relationship. My ex, having quit his job was ordered to pay 240 dollars a month in child support. He didn't. In fact he would steal my son's allowance from him, he was so poor. He would ask me to borrow money from me, claiming he couldn't feed our son because he had no money.

 

I didn't WANT anymore conflicts. I assisted as best I could. It bothered me hugely. I myself was pretty torn up over all that had happened. And to have this man manipulating me for money. I was actually afraid to say no. He would even go into the garage and steal the lawnmower gas for his car.

 

It's kind of surreal.

 

So basically I told you guys all of this so my hitting my son is in context.

 

So I have custody, we are very poor. I work really hard from home. My ex is constantly on top of me, threatening new court events if I don't comply, for example my ex insisted our son go to schools outside of our district. I drove my son back and forth to school, 2 trips a day for 10 years.

 

After I won custody in 2002, I worked very hard. I had no life, my social life was ruined anyway. I walk into a store, I was yelled at a couple of times. I go to my son's school other parents won't associate with me, I heard one kid say as I walked by, "That's Ben's mom, she's CRAZY."

 

Yeh

 

So in march 2006, one day I was sitting on the floor in the living room and my son walked by. I reached up to pat him, and I meant no harm, I wasn't even thinking anything at all. Pat ended up on his hip and he exploded at me. He never had done before. He accused me to trying to "diddle" him. I was shocked. So I stood up and put my hand on his arm, and he shoved me with enough force that it was like being punched. I don't know why I reacted this way, but I lost it and I hit him. He was scared, I know he was. I was so angry and I was stunned by my own actions. He ran out the door and to his dad's and next thing I know I am being threatened by my ex with jailtime and a lawsuit.

 

He stayed with his dad a couple days and he came back home. I was devastated. I apologized to him, I said I knew I scared him, and it would never happen again. From then on, with one exception when he was 17( he called me a ****ing bitch when he was 17, I smacked him lightly on the shoulder and was again threatened by his dad with being charged with assualt) , I always treated him with love, consideration, respect as another person. I felt, I did. I worked very hard to keep us stable financially. No real help from ex. My son and I got ( I thot) along wonderfully.

 

Well, I didn't know it at the time, but my ex had become an alcoholic. So when our son was at his house, there were no meals, ex drank 3-4 bottles of wine a day, and was abusing ambien. My son never told me until this past year.

 

My son did very badly in school. I supported him, but he just never rallied. He flat out refused tutoring... anyway, he did manage to get into college. Different enviroment. I put out a lot of money to help him. He did wonderfully in college, honor role. I have been SO proud of him.

 

I know this is really long, sorry for book. So this brings us to now.

After many years of no conflict, of supporting him in every way possible. I found his dad had borrowed 1300.00 off of him and I covered my son on that. My son also has adhd and mild tourettes.

 

Do you understand, from my view, my son and I have been sort of taken advantage of. My ex finally got a decent job and no longer contacts me. The last I heard from the man was last year when he was drunk and had taken ambien, he asked me to drive 50 miles to take him to the hospital. He kept calling crying in pain, so I did. After that he asked for a 300 dollar loan. I didn't loan him. No contact since.

 

So to the current situation. A few days ago my son calls me on skype. He uses webcam. We talk 2-3 times a week, sometimes more. He has a lot of anxiety issues and asks for support. I always give it. Always.

 

And that day he was agitated. He had spent the weekend with his dad and his dad's girlfriend. He was jumpy. He was being kind of a jerk towards me, drinking. He asked how i was and I was not good, since I had a fight with my fiance. My son does not like my fiance. So he started in on how he doesn't want to talk to me about THAT. And I said ok, I know your feelings already. And he started saying mean things. Honestly, I just wasn't up for getting it in the face. I listened a bit and I said, well you are not very kind, and I ended the conversation.

 

I was still on skype chat.

 

He immediately tried to call me back, saying ****ing answer the phone!

 

I was actually a little afraid. I told him we could talk later when it was calmer. He didn't like that. He was suddenly raging at me, calling me things like a soul sucking demon who loves watching him hurt. He kept calling saying ****ing answer you know I will call all night.

 

I am thinking wtf.

 

Since I wouldn't answer he was raging at me in chat, saying I was an abuser because I hit him in 2006. he demanded I talk to him on voice.

 

After a few minutes he calmed enough to say he was calm and would I please answer. So I did. He cursed me and called me names, screaming **** you **** you. He said I was a terrible mother who ruined his life. that he has problems and I did it to him. he demanded that I verbally agree out loud that I am an abuser who was trying to sexually abuse him.

 

It was really intense. I tried to speak, he shouted over me.

 

So I hung up. He kept trying to call and was raging in chat, so I blocked him. I honestly didn't know what to do.

 

I then tried to call his dad and get him on board. He refused to answer the phone. I didn't know it then, but he had decided that since I abused him years ago, he was going to have nothing to do with me. So next thing I know there I am being accused of harrassment.

 

The next day my son calls me again, I had unblocked him. He told me NEVER to call his dad again and to not contact HIM ever again.

 

I was like omg where did this nightmare erupt from. I tried to tell him, look I am your mom, I am trying to help you. And he talked over me, mimicking me and mocking me. He was cursing me. I could see him on skype due to the webcam and he was laughing and giggling calling me a liar and an abuser. Every time I spoke. He told me I am possessed by demons. He laughed and giggled at my upset reaction. He mimicking continued.

 

So I said look, can we de escalate this? I am here for you, but we need to calm this down, its damaging. He mocked me. After about 35 minutes of that, I began to cry. I was so hurt. I said we can talk later. He was like what is wrong MOMMY, and he mimicked me and was laughing. He held up his cell phone and said he was recording me.

 

So I hung up. He sent me a message never to ever contact him again, his father and to basically disappear. Also he has been around his dad A LOT in the last couple of months.

 

I blocked him. In so much shock.

 

If anyone read all of that, thank you.

 

What do I do now.

[CarrieT]

Well.... I read all 3,000+ words of that tome and I don't believe there is anything you can actively do.

 

There has been so much fighting and abuse in your life and your son's life and all you can do is make your life better, send him birthday and holiday cards, and let him know that you will always been there for him when/if he reaches out to you.

 

I was in a similar situation with my mother in my early twenties. Even being made homeless by the Northridge earthquake -- my mother offered me help -- and I couldn't accept her offers or deal with her... I had to reach my 30s until I was able to re-establish a relationship with her.

 

Your son has made his decision and until he sees you as a reasonable person, I don't think you should force yourself on him. Just remind him you are there (aforementioned cards) and that you love and care for him and want a good relationship ON HIS TERMS, if he ever wants to.

 

Good luck.

[pteromom]

I read your history, and man... I feel so badly for your son. He has to be so damaged from all of that.

 

I agree with Carrie. All you can do is keep sending him cards and letters, and let him know you are there for him when he needs you.

 

Your ex is a horrible influence for him, and your son is facing high odds of becoming an abuser himself in future relationships.

 

Your son is an adult now. You have no control over what he (or your ex) does.

 

The good side for you is that you also have no responsibility for anyone else but you now. And you need some intensive and ongoing therapy. You have had a very very rough life (not that you weren't a participant in some of it) and it is time to focus on yourself and get yourself well.

 

When your son gets a little older and works through all this, it is very possible he will come back to you. But for now... you have little control in the situation.

[Nyla]

I grew up being physically and verbally abused by my mother. My second oldest brother also did the same. I was also sexually abused by a cousin and raped as an adult. It led to psychiatric difficulties and a need to keep my mother at an arm's length. I have been violent to two ex boyfriends in the past when they have been physically and emotionally abusive. I don't regret it one bit; anyone who hits me and humiliates me deserves a pop in the mouth.

 

My mother has had a lot of time to think since she was forced into early retirement. She did not see what a good and responsible child I was until I left home to get away from her and it was too late. If it wasn't for the fact that I would lose the rest of my family, I would never speak to her again. Her apologies and regrets mean nothing to me; they are her crosses to bear. I didn't even have her at my wedding because she was being too insulting and controlling.

 

You have put your son through a lot. Let him come to you on his own terms. Your ex is a devious and manipulative person.

[caracruise]

The hitting event happened in 2006. I was in no way sexual towards him.

 

My ex would constantly interfere when my son was little. If my ex was around, I couldn't get near my son. My son, for example, woke frequently in the night. 7-8 times a night, and my ex would run in every time he woke, so all of us were up all night.

 

On my side, once I had custody, he began sleeping through the night. There was NO other event while I was raising him of anyone yelling or hitting. If he was rude, I would always tell him we respect each other. I respect him and I appreciate his respect back. He always said he was sorry and that was it.

 

I thought we were ok. He never until now showed any of this to me. My ex DID say, before he hung up on me, that our son was doing the same thing to him.

 

But I KNOW my ex and I know my son. You can calm my son down with reassurance and redirecting, making a "plan".

 

One of the things my son threw in my face is 'oh what an awesome mom, always trying to do the right thing and such cruel evil person really."

 

wow

[TB Rhine]

Your husband was obviously abusive and controlling (taking your pain meds, etc). On the other hand, it was completely inexcusable for you to hit him because of an argument, and your behavior upon being restrained - kicking, biting - sounds childish at best, psychotic at worst. So I'd say you both have some serious issues.

[snooplama]

Fist of all, heres some hugs for you. I think the problem is your ex had poisoned your son against you. The fight you had with your son in 1996 sounds like the same type of fight you would have with your ex. You get provoked for so long and then react and then you are the bad guy for reacting. Your son sounds like he learned from the best. Your ex looked for every way to hurt you and using your son was another tool he used. He was probably telling him you were out to abuse him while he was growing up. Thats where him accusing you of sexual abuse came from. Unfortunately your son sounds like he is taking after his father. Maybe its from growing up around him or maybe this is just his nature.

 

My advice to you is to cut off contact. I know it sounds cruel but do you need a younger version of your ex hurting you? Maybe your son will see who was really there for him when all he has left is his sorry excuse for a dad. Your son knows your value your relationship with him and he is using that to hurt you. By answering his calls or spending time with him you are making yourself available for him to hurt you. I know it wont be easy since you love him with everything you have but he's an adult now and that is no way for a grown man to treat his mother. Maybe see if he has his act together in a couple of years. For now you might be enabling this behavior. Good luck.

[darkmoon]

seen a couple of cheeky male teens, very rude to the mothers, dismissive, the emergence of the man, I see a teen phase, a lot of hormones rising, maybe that is it

[turnera]

Sounds like he learned to be just like his dad. His dad is, after all, his male role model. Respect his wishes, let him crash on his own. Carry on with your life. If he realizes you aren't going to run after him like he feels you did with his dad, he may learn to respect you again.

 

I have to ask this, though - are you sure your fiance has no red flags of his own? Without good therapy, odds are good you'd choose the same kind of guy. He may just be in the 'good' phase to keep you hooked.

[turnera]

On the other hand, it was completely inexcusable for you to hit him because of an argument, and your behavior upon being restrained - kicking, biting - sounds childish at best, psychotic at worst. So I'd say you both have some serious issues.

That's easy to say when you're not the one being restrained. It can fill you with dread and outright terror.

 

She could use some therapy, but it sounds like she's pulled herself up out of some horrific situations.

[Criticality]

If your son is still holding a grudge, over being slapped one time seven years ago, tell him to man the hell up, and grow the hell up.

 

I don't think you can blame yourself here. Too much. Your son has obviously been damaged, probably modeled himself on your ex a little too much, has anger issues and could benefit from a lot of therapy.

 

Unfortunately he's a grown up now, and not much you can do in that regard. Except writing him once in awhile,maneuver forgetting his birthdays etc.

 

Hopefully one day, if get some therapy and grows up some more, your relationship can be repaired again.

[sheis]

Your husband was obviously abusive and controlling (taking your pain meds, etc). On the other hand, it was completely inexcusable for you to hit him because of an argument, and your behavior upon being restrained - kicking, biting - sounds childish at best, psychotic at worst. So I'd say you both have some serious issues.

 

Really? So she just should have let herself be restrained? This seems reasonable to you, that a man (or anyone) should be allowed to physically restrain, hold down, imprison someone--and that person being restrained should just sit there and accept it? Would YOU? Yikes!!

[Criticality]

Really? So she just should have let herself be restrained? This seems reasonable to you, that a man (or anyone) should be allowed to physically restrain, hold down, imprison someone--and that person being restrained should just sit there and accept it? Would YOU? Yikes!!

 

I know, right? Sometimes it feels like people only read a few lines of a post.

[sheis]

Caracruise: I agree with what was said about just giving your son time, making sure he knows you are there for him--and just hope for healing. It's sad that your ex still has such a hold on him. I hope your son comes around in time, be it from getting some counseling or other means. Good luck!

[Maleficent]

I'm so sorry you've been through all of this - not only growing up but with your ex husband.

 

The thing is, this kind of abuse leaves a mark. There is no way in hell yourself and your son were not deeply affected by all this.

 

I think you two needs some serious counseling. You need to reconnect and forgive each other.

 

As far as you ex goes - do you have anything documented from everything you told us?

There must be a paper trail of when he had you committed. The doctors must have confirmed in writing - at least in their files - that you had no mental illness.

?

[Tayla]

Took a course once about how when someone doesn't want to accept responsibility in events they will become long winded and send folks on a red herring trail of information. Garner help. The fact the son is drinking...red flag.He is the victim turning abuser ...stop this abuse from seeping thru to the next generation.