Should I let him stay?

[PrincezzJazmine]

I'm just here to seek for some opinions and advice.

 

So I've been talking to this guy for awhile now and everything is going really well. He decided to come visit me this coming October to see if we will still click as we do now online (We really do, like, we both can't stop thinking about each other, although we started off telling each other, we're gonna take it slow, we both failed bigtime and helplessly fell for each other). He's already set plans for what we will do and stuff but he's holding off as to where he would stay because he's kind of waiting if I would invite him to stay in my place during his visit. Now, I will have work in the morning when he comes. But I'm sure we will have enough time to get together and travel around the city during my work off since he'll be staying for 4 weeks. Should I let him stay in my place? This will save him a lot of money but I want him to have his own time when I am at work. Though he said he can pretty much be independent to be touring around and can do the cooking and stuff when I'm not at home, I'm still second guessing if I should just let him stay or if I should just tell him to stay in the hotel or an apartment nearby.

 

Thoughts?

[Philosoraptor]

How long is "awhile"?

 

I would be hesitant to let someone I haven't met stay in my home while I'm home, even moreso when I was gone.

 

But it all comes down to your comfort and how much of a risk you feel you are taking.

[PrincezzJazmine]

Like a year...

 

Mmm, yeah I feel like I've known him forever that I would be very happy letting him in if only I didn't have to go to work. It's just that I want him to have his own time at his own place while I'm not around.

 

I want to know what would be the best approach to tell him that it might be good for him to get an apartment. I don't want to sound like I don't want to help him out. Especially that he doesn't know anyone from here and it's 8,000 miles away from his home.

[Faith13/2]

I am in an LDR, and I can personally say if I was in this situation I would be more than welcome to allow my SO to stay with me, even with me going off to work in the mornings. Maybe it's just my relationship and the amount of trust we have for one another.

 

Seems to me you may be lacking some trust for him, think this should be thought through before you allow him to leave from his home.

[soccerrprp]

I think it's crazy what risks people would take from feelings that have little or no meat...you know nothing about him other than what he's been telling you electronically or over the phone. YOU DON'T KNOW HIM! You've never met in person! He is essentially a stranger and your only impression of him has been in absentia. Why would you risk inviting a 1-yr stranger into your home to stay???

 

If he can get the tickets to visit you, he can find a hotel/motel. You need to get to know him and that necessarily requires that you actually see this guy in person and interact, talk more, touch, feel, observe, etc.

 

If I were you, I would suggest that he find a hotel near you, but not invite him in.

Edited August 15, 2013 by soccerrprp

[Lovelygal]

I personally think it would be better if he had his own place to stay. What if things don't work out as planned or the relationship isn't the same in person? I guess I look at it as, at least you will have the options. I think its great for both of you to have options with your own space, because your finally getting to know each other in person. If everything is amazing you can stay in his hotel or vice versa, or maybe you will let him stay and he will canc the rest of his hotel stay

. I would be a bit fearful of letting someone stay in my home when I wasn't there for first time. This won't be the last time he is coming to visit you I'm sure. Then next time he comes to visit let him stay and I am sure you will feel much more confident about him staying at your home.

[TMichaels]

OP, do you have any friends with which your b/f might be able to stay? That would help him out financially but also have the added benefit of him meeting other people who are part of your life. (And allow them to tell you what they thought of him!)

 

Otherwise, might there be a YMCA, a youth hostel or a college/university nearby that might be an alternate option? How about couch surfing?

 

Even though you've been talking to this guy for "a while" as someone else has pointed out, you don't know him from Adam.

 

Ask yourself this... Let's say you "met" someone local on a dating website. On your first *date* would you invite him to move in with you?

 

Heck. There's a very good chance you might even insist you'll meet him at the restaurant/theatre/concert/game/whatever as opposed to having him pick you up at your home -- rather than risk him knowing where you live.

 

Or, you'd make sure your friends knew where you were going with whom. You might even work out some sort of plan for them to check in on you just to make sure everything's ok.

 

So, if you'd do this for some local guy, why in the heck would you think it's ok to throw all caution to the wind with a first date with someone you'd never even spent time with in the flesh?

 

I'm not saying your b/f is a serial killer or has dual personalities, but the fact of the matter is he very well *could be* a very different person up close and personal than he appears to be from afar.

 

Don't put yourself in the position of having no options. If he stays with you, you pretty much have none. And that's not a wise or prudent place to be.

 

If things go well, there will be more visits when/where there will be no doubt about where he will stay. If things go really well, 20 years from now you can laugh at all the silly precautions the two of you took "on your first date."

 

If things don't go well, at least you won't be in danger, concerned about the security of your belongings, or feel like you're a prisoner in your home.

 

Your b/f should understand and respect your feelings on all of this. If he doesn't, then all the more reason he shouldn't be staying at your place at all.

 

But, be empathetic to the financial burden all of this puts on him on top of the cost of his ticket. That means, do whatever you can to suss out possible other housing options for him to demonstrate that you want this to be a win-win for both of you.

 

Think about it. Except for booking (an comparatively expensive) hotel, he wouldn't have the first clue of where to look or what the options might be. If he knew what else might be available/possible -- especially if they were markedly less inexpensive than the "traditional" option of a hotel room -- it may not be an issue at all for him not to stay with you.

 

IOW, make staying elsewhere easy for him as possible and then concentrate on planning and enjoying all the great things the two of you can do during the other time you will spend together.

 

HTH,

TMichaels

[TMichaels]

OP, do you have any friends with which your b/f might be able to stay? That would help him out financially but also have the added benefit of him meeting other people who are part of your life. (And allow them to tell you what they thought of him!)

 

Otherwise, might there be a YMCA, a youth hostel or a college/university nearby that might be an alternate option? How about couch surfing?

 

Even though you've been talking to this guy for "a while" as someone else has pointed out, you don't know him from Adam.

 

Ask yourself this... Let's say you "met" someone local on a dating website. On your first *date* would you invite him to move in with you?

 

Heck. There's a very good chance you might even insist you'll meet him at the restaurant/theatre/concert/game/whatever as opposed to having him pick you up at your home -- rather than risk him knowing where you live.

 

Or, you'd make sure your friends knew where you were going with whom. You might even work out some sort of plan for them to check in on you just to make sure everything's ok.

 

So, if you'd do this for some local guy, why in the heck would you think it's ok to throw all caution to the wind with a first date with someone you'd never even spent time with in the flesh?

 

I'm not saying your b/f is a serial killer or has dual personalities, but the fact of the matter is he very well *could be* a very different person up close and personal than he appears to be from afar.

 

Don't put yourself in the position of having no options. If he stays with you, you pretty much have none. And that's not a wise or prudent place to be.

 

If things go well, there will be more visits when/where there will be no doubt about where he will stay. If things go really well, 20 years from now you can laugh at all the silly precautions the two of you took "on your first date."

 

If things don't go well, at least you won't be in danger, concerned about the security of your belongings, or feel like you're a prisoner in your home.

 

Your b/f should understand and respect your feelings on all of this. If he doesn't, then all the more reason he shouldn't be staying at your place at all.

 

But, be empathetic to the financial burden all of this puts on him on top of the cost of his ticket. That means, do whatever you can to suss out possible other housing options for him to demonstrate that you want this to be a win-win for both of you.

 

Think about it. Except for booking (an comparatively expensive) hotel, he wouldn't have the first clue of where to look or what the options might be. If he knew what else might be available/possible -- especially if they were markedly less inexpensive than the "traditional" option of a hotel room -- it may not be an issue at all for him not to stay with you.

 

IOW, make staying elsewhere easy for him as possible and then concentrate on planning and enjoying all the great things the two of you can do during the other time you can spend together.

 

HTH,

TMichaels

[FitChick]

I always have the man stay at a nearby hotel, even if we get along great over the phone. Then what usually happens is they stay with me if there is chemistry and want to take it to the next level. If there isn't chemistry or further interest, he stays in the hotel for the entire time.

 

I've also had the reverse where I visited a man and he paid for my hotel and then if things developed I moved to his place later.

[Lani]

I'd suggest he stay somewhere else, and then you can take it from there.

Go with 'I think you should book somewhere to stay, because staying with me might put too much pressure on us and what we might have.'

You always have the option for him to come and stay with you if things are going really well when he arrives. You just have that initial safety net. It's easier to do it now, than ask him to leave once he's already staying with you.

[PrincezzJazmine]

Hi. Thanks for the replies. I really appreciate them. It's actually his first time to be in my country and he doesn't know much, that's why at some point I thought it would be safer for him if he stays with me. But anyway, today, he told me he found some place to stay which will cost him about 3,000 AUD for the entire month. And while I know he can afford that, I still don't want him to spend that much. I'm not expecting anything from this trip but I hope for things to work out well so I just told him to book for 2 weeks then let's just worry when we have to worry about where he would stay in the last 2 weeks to which he replied "You don't really have to worry. I was just holding up because I didn't know if you would invite me in, but it's okay if you don't want to. I'm coming there to let you know that what we have is real. To see you. To take you out for real dates and to see how it's going to work out. I don't want you think like I'm pushing things you are not ready about."

 

I'll just see what goes from here...

[HeavenOrHell]

IMO no-one should 100% trust someone before they've met them, especially women trusting men.

 

When I met my partner face to face the first time I'd said to him about staying in a B and B near to my home, he did seem a bit sad about it but understood.

 

However in the end we met on mutual ground and both stayed in a hotel, in the same room When I met him face to face I knew straight away he was the same person I'd known via phone, email, skype.

 

I would get him to stay elsewhere the few days til you feel comfortable with him and then take it from there.

[LimeBlue]

You asked if you should let him stay. My answer is absolutely not. No question about it. Especially if he is going to be there whilst you are working. No way. Not even an option. Even if you had met him prior, for me this would be off the cards completely and DONT allow him to bamboozle you into guilt about HIS expenses. That is HIS problem not yours.

[PrincezzJazmine]

Yeah, LimeBlue, I get it. Thank you so much.

[Els]

I think this situation is a little tough because he's going to be there for a whole month despite this being your first meeting. I'm glad you both managed to work out a compromise, but it is a very steep investment for him - AUD 3000 for accommodation plus the air ticket, for a first-time meet. What happens if you meet him and the chemistry isn't there in person? Will you feel obligated to push on through the entire month, because you feel guilty of what he'd spent? Will you feel obligated to take him into your home after two weeks even if you have misgivings, so he doesn't have to spend even more? Will he resent you if you don't?

 

I think it may be a better idea to keep your first visit a little shorter, no?

[PrincezzJazmine]

Well, everything is set. And he is being positive that everything is gonna be fine. And he told me, this is what he wants, I didn't ask for it. It's his decision to see me and spend time with me. And if for some reason, things don't work out, he has other plans like hiking and staying in the beach, scuba diving and stuff. But then again, he is being positive that I'd be doing these stuffs with him. He likes me so much, I can feel it. And knowing he is this willing to spend a big chunk of money just to make it real, I just want to support him...

[Els]

Ah, okay. Well, then, that is his decision. Please don't feel obligated to take him in in any case. You are right to be cautious about letting him stay in your house, as you've never met him IRL.

 

Enjoy your time together.

[PrincezzJazmine]

Thanks Elswyth. Will do

 

And thanks to everyone else for the insights.

 

Hope everything works out for us, as I like him the same way he likes me.

[justwhoiam]

Hi,

 

I read all the posts in here, though I already had my own answer after your first post.

 

If it's the first time meeting him, I would help him find something near where I live and easily reachable for both. And something that gives him the chance to visit places downtown when I'm not around.

 

I would have him stay there for the first 2 weeks, and see how it goes in the meantime. If we're great together and madly in love with eachother, I would try to have the next 2 weeks off, have him stay at my place for a few days and tour around together for the rest of the time until when he has to fly back home. To make the most out of it.

[PrincezzJazmine]

If we're great together and madly in love with each other, I would try to have the next 2 weeks off, have him stay at my place for a few days and tour around together for the rest of the time until when he has to fly back home. To make the most out of it.

 

 

Those are exactly the words in my head hey.

 

Yeah, will do what you said. Thanks