Mental Health problems ruining relationships (Long Post)

[GlassesSeventy]

I recently came out of yet another failed romantic experience (I won't call it a relationship, because it wasn't) and it's finally hit me just how serious my problems are.

 

I really seem to struggle with emotions, and how to react/act appropriately in certain situations. I become increasingly anxious, and analyse things that probably have no meaning whatsoever. I push people away, I sabotage things to the point that they can no longer be repaired. I end up being blocked, shut out, laughed at, ridiculed, labelled "difficult", "too much" and God knows what else.

 

The last person I was involved with treated me not ideally, but I wouldn't really say badly - and I just couldn't handle it. Ended up talking to her horribly because she didn't return my feelings. She has now shut me out, changed her number and that's that. This isn't the first time that this has happened.

 

I feel a terrible inner pain. I am clearly mentally unwell (I suffer from depression and have done for years, but I feel there is something else there, too) and I hate my brain for pushing these people away. It's as if I become possessed by some horrible monster and I start acting strange, scary even. It's not me, and I hate it. I have cried myself to sleep for the last week because of this. I've lost people I've loved because they just couldn't handle me at my worst. I only have one friend who understands and puts up with my mood swings and horrible behaviour but I'm just scared, scared of myself.

 

I don't even know what the point of this post is. The women I have dated have played a part in this behaviour coming to the surface. They will start declaring that they want space, lead me on, cheat on me, so many things. All the women I've dated have been quite similar. I've had chances with women who seem less dramatic but I always seem to veer toward the dramatic, emotionally unavailable ones. confused ones who then confuse me and my mind goes into overdrive.

 

I just don't know what to do. I live alone, and everyone I know is in a relationship and I'm not close to any of my family so I really do have no-one to talk to. I sent the last woman a message telling her I was mentally ill, I don't know why, but I did. I wanted her to try and understand that I can't help the way I act. But yeah, she didn't reply. Who would? I just wish there was someone out there who would be willing to take me and my problems on.

 

And more than anything I just wish these problems would go away. I just wish I was normal.

[JourneyLady]

I think the point of this post is that you are reaching out to see if anyone else feels like this.

 

In a sense, I've been on the opposite end of someone with similar problems -- except that I too, struggle with depression and certainly in my last relationship my partner at times could lack compassion and be abusive.

 

I'm not an abusive person, but when depressed, I am not myself either.

As for your situation, I have some friends but they are mostly a little far in distance. So I have a similar situation.

 

What keeps me going is the thought that I need to keep improving myself - not necessarily to gain a relationship; but the thought that if I find myself in one, my partner, if worthy, deserves the best me possible. Also I have lots of projects I work on that I enjoy and that meet goals I have in mind.

 

But I"m not going to hide the fact that sometimes there are days when I don't do as much as I plan to. There are days I lose motivation and end up watching tv instead of working on things.

 

But enough about me - are you able to get counseling? It does help to have someone to listen. Do you have some kind of diagnosis other than depression? It might help to read about whatever that diagnosis might be. For me, the key to help for depression is realizing that if I am feeling negative when there's been no real event, that it is depression I am seeing through. And I look to change my scenery for a while and get a new perspective.

 

Sometimes, there's a "triggering event" like when someone yells at me when I'm not expecting it, or like when I saw that my ex-bf was moving on with someone else. I can't "prepare" for those scenarios ahead of time and it usually takes me 24 hours to recover.

 

I'd also suggest getting into meditation of some kind. It helps to calm the spirit. Is there something in your background that you think has led to these symptoms?

[pie2]

OP, your honesty is refreshing. I have complete confidence that, if you put your mind to it, you can learn better coping skills to deal with adversity. It's so common to read about people blaming everyone but themselves, that I can't tell you how positive I think it is that you recognize your own misgivings. It's a lot more than many "healthy" people are able to do.

 

I wonder if you had any difficulties with some sort of trauma, or a relationship that broke your trust down when you were young...? Intimacy is obviously a challenge, and it might help to try and get to the bottom of why.

 

I think therapy could help. Also, what are your thoughts on your spirituality? Don't discount the power of a relationship with God. The power of learning to connect with a greater purpose really puts everything into perspective. But therapy, diet, exercise, journaling (keeping track of emotional triggers, reactions, alternate reactions) are all positive steps to help you interact in more positive ways.

 

I wish you ALL the best!

[GlassesSeventy]

I think the point of this post is that you are reaching out to see if anyone else feels like this.

 

In a sense, I've been on the opposite end of someone with similar problems -- except that I too, struggle with depression and certainly in my last relationship my partner at times could lack compassion and be abusive.

 

I'm not an abusive person, but when depressed, I am not myself either.

As for your situation, I have some friends but they are mostly a little far in distance. So I have a similar situation.

 

What keeps me going is the thought that I need to keep improving myself - not necessarily to gain a relationship; but the thought that if I find myself in one, my partner, if worthy, deserves the best me possible. Also I have lots of projects I work on that I enjoy and that meet goals I have in mind.

 

But I"m not going to hide the fact that sometimes there are days when I don't do as much as I plan to. There are days I lose motivation and end up watching tv instead of working on things.

 

But enough about me - are you able to get counselling? It does help to have someone to listen. Do you have some kind of diagnosis other than depression? It might help to read about whatever that diagnosis might be. For me, the key to help for depression is realizing that if I am feeling negative when there's been no real event, that it is depression I am seeing through. And I look to change my scenery for a while and get a new perspective.

 

Sometimes, there's a "triggering event" like when someone yells at me when I'm not expecting it, or like when I saw that my ex-bf was moving on with someone else. I can't "prepare" for those scenarios ahead of time and it usually takes me 24 hours to recover.

 

I'd also suggest getting into meditation of some kind. It helps to calm the spirit. Is there something in your background that you think has led to these symptoms?

 

 

 

OP, your honesty is refreshing. I have complete confidence that, if you put your mind to it, you can learn better coping skills to deal with adversity. It's so common to read about people blaming everyone but themselves, that I can't tell you how positive I think it is that you recognize your own misgivings. It's a lot more than many "healthy" people are able to do.

 

I wonder if you had any difficulties with some sort of trauma, or a relationship that broke your trust down when you were young...? Intimacy is obviously a challenge, and it might help to try and get to the bottom of why.

 

I think therapy could help. Also, what are your thoughts on your spirituality? Don't discount the power of a relationship with God. The power of learning to connect with a greater purpose really puts everything into perspective. But therapy, diet, exercise, journalling (keeping track of emotional triggers, reactions, alternate reactions) are all positive steps to help you interact in more positive ways.

 

I wish you ALL the best!

 

 

^^ Thank you for these messages.

 

The parts in bold are so identifiable to me. I agree, there are certain "trigger events" that just set you off, and it's as if you're taken over - I can't find any other way to describe it. I think what you've said sounds interesting, as I was beginning to think it was just me that was going through something like this -it's comforting to know there are others in similar situations.

 

I don't know. I'm an only child who grew up with my mother, we didn't have a lot but she spoilt me with affection - I was very much her "baby" until she died suddenly when I was 23. My childhood was very unstable in that we were made homeless at 15, and my mother suffered a severe breakdown when I was 17/18 - I was then her main carer until she died.

 

Two of my family members (My grandmother and her middle son, my uncle) were quite mean to me as I was growing up - I don't know why my grandmother did it, but I feel as my uncle was just being "cruel to be kind" - he wanted me to be a certain way, to achieve certain things, and his way of getting me to be that way. He used to call me "ugly" and stuff like that.

 

My grandmother was just horrible. She had a son that was my age, and he was very spoilt. He had everything, and I mean everything. It was all flaunted in my face while there were some days me and my mother wouldn't even eat, or have any electric. I remember one occasion my mother asked her for money to feed me, and the reply was just "no". She even used to beat my mother, and tried to beat me until one occasion I stood up to her and told her to f**k off. She took us on holiday when we had no money and starved us. Bought food for everyone else but me and my mother.

 

 

I do think these things have something to do with the way I act, but I just don't know exactly what. My mother was a Schizophrenic too, so perhaps I'm predisposed to this, too. I do keep a journal, an online one. I exercise as much as I can but there are of course days where I just feel, what's the point? I'm going back to study in September so hopefully that will help me feel a bit more positive about things.

 

I have been going to my local church, and I do feel peaceful while I'm there. I've also contacted a local psychological therapy group who will be calling me back for an assessment so you know, I am trying to sort this all out. I don't want or like people feeling sorry for me at all - I want to overcome it.

[Downtown]

I really seem to struggle with emotions, and how to react/act appropriately in certain situations.

Glasses, you are describing yourself as a man who has difficulty controlling his emotions. If so, you will experience intense feelings far more frequently -- and more intensely -- than what most folks have to deal with.

 

This is a problem because, whenever our feelings are intense, our logic and judgment go out the window. Indeed, by the time you were in high school, you likely already realized that you cannot trust your own judgment when you are very angry, infatuated, or have some other strong feeling. This is why you try to keep your mouth shut, and your fingers off the keys, until you have time to cool down.

 

I say "you try" but, because you lack impulse control and lack control of your emotions, you have little success in remaining quiet. Instead, you will verbally attack the person and, when you later manage to cool down, will regret having done that.

I become increasingly anxious, and analyse things that probably have no meaning whatsoever.

Because you have little success in managing your emotions, your feelings become so intense that you are absolutely convinced that they MUST be true. That is, strong feelings are "facts" to you. Your mind therefore goes into overdrive trying to come up with a logical explanation for feelings that you already have accepted as gospel. This is why, in the heat of the moment, your mind will generate such absurd allegations that -- a few days later -- you marvel that you had ever reached such a conclusion.

 

Importantly, that process of creating rationalizations -- to explain away an intense feeling -- is something that every adult on the planet does. As I noted above, everyone's judgment goes out the window when feelings are very intense. Hence, doing this rationalization -- and producing outrageous allegations -- is NOT what sets you apart from other people. Instead, what seems to distinguish you -- if your descriptions are accurate -- is several problems.

 

One issue is that, because you cannot manage your emotions well, you have to deal with intense feelings far more frequently than other folks do. A second issue is that, because you never learned how to do self soothing to calm yourself down, the intensity of the feeling lasts far longer for you than for other people.

 

A third issue is that, because you have difficulty controlling your impulses, you find it more difficult to keep your mouth shut until you have time to cool down. And a fourth issue is that, because you never learned how to intellectually challenge those intense feelings, you accept them as self-evident "facts."

The last person I was involved with treated me not ideally, but I wouldn't really say badly - and I just couldn't handle it. Ended up talking to her horribly because she didn't return my feelings.

What you are describing is called "black-white thinking." We all are prone to doing it whenever our feelings are very intense. It is most evident when you are suddenly startled with an intense fear, as happens when you are in a crosswalk and suddenly look up to see a truck bearing down on you. For such life-threatening moments, your brain is hardwired to switch to B-W thinking -- wherein you are capable of thinking only "jump left" or "jump right." B-W thinking therefore has great survival value when it occurs only occasionally at such moments of need.

 

Similarly, our brains are prone to B-W thinking whenever we experience other intense feelings too. This is why we try to keep our mouths shut when angry and we try to wait at least a year before buying the ring when we are intensely infatuated. The B-W thinking distorts our perceptions of other peoples' intentions and motivations.

 

If this accurately describes your behavior, you will do the B-W thinking far more frequently than other people. The result is that you will tend to categorize everyone as "all good" or "all bad" -- and will recategorize someone, in just a few seconds, from one polar extreme to the other, based solely on a minor infraction or snub.

 

This seems to be what you are describing with your Ex, a person you spoke to "horribly" even though you concede she had not treated you badly. What likely happened is that you flipped from regarding her as "all good" to seeing her as "all bad." Again, every adult on the planet occasionally does this because he eventually will fail to keep his mouth shut when flooded with an intense feeling that distorts his judgment.

 

If I understand you correctly, your problem is that you do this much more frequently than other people -- for the reasons I gave above. If so, your B-W thinking also will be evident in your frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...."

I push people away, I sabotage things to the point that they can no longer be repaired.

The B-W thinking alone is sufficient to push people away because people will be terribly offended when you suddenly flip from adoring them to treating them like an enemy. I suspect, however, that you may also have two fears that are undermining your relationships. But I don't know that to be true. I therefore will describe them below and ask you to decide.

It's as if I become possessed by some horrible monster and I start acting strange, scary even.

Perhaps so, Glasses. That is NOT the 28 year old man you are describing, however. He is not a "monster" and is not a bad person -- even though he sometimes behaves badly. Rather, you seem to be describing yourself as a man whose judgment may be often distorted by two fears.

 

One fear is that of abandonment, which would be evident in the way you administer endless $h!t testing to your GFs to see if they will remain loyal. It also would be evident in the way you get unreasonably jealous over harmless behaviors, misinterpreting them as signs that your GF is thinking about leaving you.

 

It also will be evident in the way you will monitor her frequently on the phone when apart. And it would be evident in your having little sense of "object constancy," i.e., little sense of your being an important part of her life when she is away from you or out of town.

 

The other fear is that of engulfment, a strong feeling of being controlled or suffocated during very intimate evenings or during great weekends spent together. This feeling also can be very uncomfortable, e.g., a scary feeling that your personality is evaporating into thin air during intimacy -- as though you are losing your identity in your partner's strong personality.

 

If you have this fear, you will find that you crave intimacy but will not be able to tolerate it for very long. To get breathing space, you will unconsciously start an argument -- over nothing at all -- to push your GF away. The result will be a series of many fights (usually right after a great evening or weekend spent together) over things so minor you cannot remember them days later.

 

Do you have both of those fears? Well, if you have only the abandonment fear, your GF might be able to reassure you by being loving and caring and showing her commitment. Similarly, if you have only the engulfment fear, she might be able to accomodate you by backing off frequently to give you the space you need to avoid the engulfment.

 

If you have BOTH fears, however, your predicament is a lose-lose situation for each of you. The problem is that both of those fears lie at the opposite ends of the VERY SAME spectrum. This means that, as your GF backs away from one fear to avoid triggering it, she necessarily draws closer to triggering the other fear. Importantly, there is no midpoint solution that is not-too-close and not-too-far. Sadly, that Goldilocks position doesn't exist.

There are certain "trigger events" that just set you off, and it's as if you're taken over.

Glasses, when a man has been carrying enormous hurt, anger, and shame inside since early childhood, his GF doesn't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger and shame. Instead, all she has to do is say or do some trivial thing that TRIGGERS the anger that is already there. This could explain, then, why your anger is released so quickly and at such inappropriate times.

I just don't know what to do....

Glasses, you've already taken an important first step in contacting the local psychiatric counseling group. It is important for you to receive professional guidance from a good therapist (ideally, a psychologist or psychiatrist, not a MC).

 

If the issues I discussed above are germane, you can make a little progress by simply reading about these issues. But you won't get very far. What is really needed is guidance from a professional who is experienced in treating your type of issues. For example, there are many good therapy programs that teach one how to do self soothing, how to better manage emotions, how to stay in the moment instead of escaping into daydreams, and how to intellectually challenge your intense feelings instead of accepting them as truth. I wish you the very best. Take care, Glasses.

[pie2]

I don't know. I'm an only child who grew up with my mother, we didn't have a lot but she spoilt me with affection - I was very much her "baby" until she died suddenly when I was 23. My childhood was very unstable in that we were made homeless at 15, and my mother suffered a severe breakdown when I was 17/18 - I was then her main carer until she died.

 

I'm so sorry, GlassesSeventy. That is so sad. You've been through some very stressful events. Anyone would have a hard time coping with this.

 

My mother was a Schizophrenic too, so perhaps I'm predisposed to this, too. I do keep a journal, an online one. I exercise as much as I can but there are of course days where I just feel, what's the point? I'm going back to study in September so hopefully that will help me feel a bit more positive about things.

 

Schizophrenia does run in families, so yes, you are predisposed to it. However, only a professional can help you with getting to the bottom of any real diagnosis. If you are having any breaks from reality, or thoughts of hurting yourself/someone else, don't hesitate to reach out.

 

Two of my family members (My grandmother and her middle son, my uncle) were quite mean to me as I was growing up - I don't know why my grandmother did it, but I feel as my uncle was just being "cruel to be kind" - he wanted me to be a certain way, to achieve certain things, and his way of getting me to be that way. He used to call me "ugly" and stuff like that.

 

My grandmother was just horrible. She had a son that was my age, and he was very spoilt. He had everything, and I mean everything. It was all flaunted in my face while there were some days me and my mother wouldn't even eat, or have any electric. I remember one occasion my mother asked her for money to feed me, and the reply was just "no". She even used to beat my mother, and tried to beat me until one occasion I stood up to her and told her to f**k off. She took us on holiday when we had no money and starved us. Bought food for everyone else but me and my mother.

 

Family dynamics are extremely complex, and SO important to who we are. Dysfunction passes down from generation to generation, and really plays a role in everything about our lives. It's so integral to our personalities, that it can be hard to dissect everything, and figure out how it all works.

 

But, with the right interventions, and especially lots of prayer (!!), we can overcome and can change the generational patterns that precede us.

 

I'm sorry you've faced so much, Glasses. I hope you'll be able to take the events of your life and channel them into positive strength, triumph and a new beginning. Don't give up!! Just take one day at a time, and appreciate the small steps in the right direction.

[Downtown]

My mother was a Schizophrenic too, so perhaps I'm predisposed to this, too.

Glasses, I agree with Pie that having one Schizophrenic parent does predispose you to having that disorder. Please keep in mind, however, that being "predisposed" does NOT mean you likely will develop it. Rather, it only means you are at greater risk.

 

Specifically, your risk for developing Schizophrenia has increased from less than 1% (the risk to the general population) to about 6% (the risk when having one parent with it). See Schizophrenia.com - Schizophrenia Genetics and Heredity. Hence, unless you are exhibiting very strong traits of that disorder, it is very unlikely you have it. As Pie and I stated above, it is important that you obtain a professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with.

[FitChick]

GlassesSeventy, I sent you a private message.