Rape

[Unicorn8]

Its 3:23 AM. I am up frequently around this time because I can't fall asleep. I am constantly reliving the abuse. When I was 14 I was raped by a 21 year old man, he took my virginity, It happened the night I was set to travel to my hometown for the summer. I chose to pretend I hadn't just lost my virginity to rape and rationalized that if I didn't tell anyone it would be as if it never happened and I would eventually forget. I also figured it would be inconvenient to say anything about it because I was leaving to the airport around 3AM.

 

The blood, pain, and bruises on my inner thighs made it hard to forget. During the summer I began to create a new better experience of my rape. I attempted to convince myself that it wasn't rape, that I only said stop because I was inexperienced, that he covered my mouth pinned me down and forced himself into me because he knew what to do. I slowly created a scene of the event in my mind in which I felt no pain. I began to look at my bruises with nostalgia and remembering the rape as consensual sex, and him as an honorable man. Being brought up in a religious home I also thought I was no longer valuable as a woman as I was no longer a virgin, what man would want me now?, I felt as if I had no other choice but to accept that we had to be together.

 

He contacted me in the summer, pretending to want to speak to the entire family, primarily my brother, and told me I should tell my brother I liked him. I did as he told me and after I returned home from the summer vacation I felt incapable of telling him no. Anytime he wanted to meet me I felt I couldn't say no. In one of those meetups he convinced me to go with him to his place, and we overslept. When he drove me back home my parents were awake looking for me and the look on their faces was devastating when they saw me get out of the car. My father was angry and my mother in tears both were disappointed in me.

 

My father sat us across from each other and asked me a series of questions, to each question I paused and looked at my rapist and lied to my father. "Was it consensual?" "yes.", "Do you love him?", "yes.", "Is his the man you want to marry?", "yes.". My hesitation to answer the first question was evident I looked at my rapist and at my father, I saw my father get very angry ball up his fist as he got closer to my rapist and threatened, "because if it wasn't consensual I'll kill you!", it frightened me to see him that angry and immediately I said yes it was I did not know who I was afraid of more. I did not expect anything that happened after, my father told me to pack my things and leave with him. After a few days he decided to take us to the courthouse to get married but i was too young, I had to be at least 16 to be married with parental consent.

 

So my father found a house so the rapist and I could live in when we got married and until then I was supposed to go to this house on the weekends and have sex with the rapist so he wouldn't stray. It was horrible for me because I spent 2.5 years being raped by this man. When I turned 16 I got married on 3/9/07, my father calling me a slut and saying that this man would leave me if I wasn't married to him constantly played in my mind, and shortly after I took a law studies class which made me realize that I had been a victim of statutory rape. I almost spoke to me law studies teacher and almost said something to my guidance counselor but I never did.

 

I decided to tell my mother that this man that was now my husband had raped me, and she told me that he was my husband now and I had to deal with it, she said sometimes she doesn't feel like having sex with my father but he does it anyways. I felt hopeless I attempted to commit suicide so many times but I decided to live. After I got married my father left my mother and everything he said about the sanctity of marriage and how a man won't leave if you're married haunted me. I felt like I did all of this to make him feel proud of me again and then I realized that everything he said was a lie, he probably just wanted me married so he could leave my mother and not have responsibility with child support.

 

Shortly after I left the house and the rapist in 10/07 and moved back in with my mother. We got a divorce on 7/2/08 and after the hearing he invited back to his place that was the first time since the rape that I said no to him again. I never saw him again but the experience always haunts me. After I accepted what happened other memories I suppressed of being molested by my sister while I slept, from childhood until 20yrs we shared a room, I would always fight in my sleep and never knew why. I am in a better place now but I still struggle finding peace of mind when I think of how things could have been different.

 

I think a therapist would be a good idea but I am scared of actually talking to one in person I don't know if it will do me any good or if it will help at all.

Edited August 16, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Unicorn8]

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice they mean so much to me. I feel that speaking to a professional is the best thing for me to do. I know I should not be afraid of it, but simply thinking about it does causes me anxiety.

[Lani]

Contrefaire said it all.

My heart goes out to you, and I am beyond grateful that you are now out of this situation and can move forward with your life.

Seek the help you need, and allow yourself to ride this rollercoaster of emotion. However you feel and react is right, and don't let anyone make you feel anything other than respected ever again.

 

LS will be here to support you through this journey.

 

You have a bright future ahead of you and this fog will fade with time.

xo

[amaysngrace]

I didn't read your post because it's a highly sensitive subject for me but I just wanted to tell you that facing your past isn't as tough as what you have already experienced.

 

You have already survived the worst part so know how strong you are. XO

[revitup]

I am so very sorry you lived this.

 

REVITUP