Effort in a Friendship

[Cool Chick]

How much effort should someone expect to be put into a friendship?

 

I have a longtime friend who almost never makes an effort to contact me. I'm almost always the one who makes the initial contact, mostly through email and sometimes through Facebook. As I've gotten older I've found this to be less and less acceptable and recently broached this frustration with my friend. Her response was essentially that she doesn't like to reach out to people and that's just the way she is. She also feels that clicking the "like" button and posting the odd note on Facebook constitutes effort on her part to maintain the friendship.....but never to send a direct email.

 

When I do put in effort in contacting her and trying to make plans to get together it usually works out well, but I'm pretty tired of being the one to do the reaching out all the time. If I invite her for dinner she comes, if I have an extra ticket to a show she'll accept it, if I try to arrange for a movies she'll sometimes come.....but never do I receive any return effort. I can't remember the last time she invited me to her place for dinner, or any other event. Ok, she did invite me to her sons birthday party but only because she wanted me to face paint.....but that's pretty much it.

 

I hate to lose a longtime friend....but she doesn't seem to feel she should put any effort forward. Should I just grin and bear it or consider moving on and trying to make/find friends who put equal effort into the relationship?

 

CC

[darkmoon]

if she is like this wiv everybody, okay, if not like this wiv everybody, not okay

[CC12]

How long ago did you bring this up with her? If she's had ample time to rectify the situation and she still hasn't done it, then I'd say you should stop trying. If she really valued your friendship, she would have done something about it when you told her you were having problems with the friendship.

 

But I would like to point out something for you to consider. Are you hitting her up so often that she doesn't really have a chance to initiate a conversation or arrange an outing? If you're inviting her out every weekend or something, that doesn't allow her much room to do it herself. It doesn't really sound like that's what's happening from the way you describe it. I just thought I'd ask.

[Cool Chick]

No, I don't initiate events every weekend by a long stretch. There have been periods where months and months have gone by and she would not make an effort to contact me....not even an email just to touch base.

 

For me a healthy friendship requires effort from both parties. It doesn't have to be 50/50, but when years pass and I don't get even an email just to say 'hi' then I have to wonder if it's worth my time anymore to keep fanning the flames so to speak. I simply get tired of putting out energy and not getting any back.

 

I find I also have to handle this person with 'kid gloves' a lot too. It's very hard to speak with her about any issues in the friendship and not upset her (or put her on the defensive) to the point where I wish I hadn't said anything at all. She never seems to take any ownership in her part of problems that come up. She's very good at turning an argument around and putting me through a guilt trip. She even said recently that she's tired of treating the friendship like a relationship. I thought friendships were relationships? Give/take, effort, communication and sometimes working though problems that occur? The result of all this unfortunately has been that when issues happen I tend not to say anything and of course tension builds to a point where when I finally do broach the topic the end result never seems to go well.

 

I don't know, maybe we've grown apart too much. She has a husband and young son and I'm single. Maybe my expectations in a friendship don't match closely enough with what she's willing to provide.

[GG3]

If she is tired of the friendship being treated like a relationship that sounds like a sign your expectations are too high.

 

I don't expect return effort from my friends. If they happily show up to my invites that works for me. If they drop off the radar and never show up, I stop asking and let the friendship go.

 

People are busy. Since she has a child she may be pretty busy and isn't sitting around thinking of how to " return the effort."

 

That's just me though.

[Cool Chick]

GG3: There are actually a lot of people in my life that are like that for me too....but I don't consider them friends, I consider them acquaintances. If I invite them to something and they come then great....if not then I couldn't care less.

 

For me friends are something more than that. I feel for a real friendship to be healthy there has to be give and take on both sides....otherwise it's just a one sided deal and someones always giving and someone else is always taking.

[lionoftheforum]

I'm older now and I've been through this situation myself. I tend to drop relationships that become too lopsided in the form of time and resource investment, but that’s me.

 

What are your expectations? Is it worth it to you to pursue a relationship that will involve more investment from you? Some people care, others don't. Personally, I think 50/50 splits of time and resources are perceived as ideal, some expect them, but a lot of humans will consume as much as they can while trying to expend as little as possible. That’s human, that’s real. Usually the 50/50 splits involve deep bonds by both people.

 

I think its natural for relationships to fade if expectations aren’t mutual. If the other person isn't as invested in the relationship it can fade regardless of your input. This seems to be the case here.

 

Your paraphrasing of her comments could almost be read as “it’s not you, it’s me”. Someone who wanted to acknowledge your concerns might have taken that as a wake-up call that they weren’t putting forth enough effort but honestly didn’t know. She didn’t do that. Considering she kind-of evaded your comments, it seems clear she isn't as invested as she once was.

[PlumPrincess]

I think friends like these are a bit like dragging a dead corpse behind. You're investing quite some time into this friendship, through your efforts to maintain it and also through the time you spend brooding about your friend and her feelings for you. Maybe you have some nostalgic feelings for your friend and don't want to give up on her, but I think, the sooner you let her go, the better you will feel. And then you can go and find new friends who enjoy spending time with you.

[BeckyFontenot]

We have to accept people for who they are. Don't take it personally. It 's not about you , it's about who she is....I have had the same exact experience with a friend as well. Being the giver all the time in a friendship is tiresome. What occurred is that I become resentful towards her just like you are feeling right now.

What I have decided to do is just accept her for who she is .... I am polite and kind to her but I don't spend extra time with her beyond that. I desire an equal friendship. I realize that something inside me was attracted to this kind of friendship and I am just as responsible for the way the friendship turned out. Now I choose not to have those kind of relationships. I desire an equal and fulfilling friendship with others where there is give and take and not just give, give, give. I no longer harbor resentment towards her and we are still friends but not as close. My husband pointed out to me that some people were maybe never taught or shown or learned how to be a real friend , one that gives and not just takes from others...Find more friends where there is more of a connection. Go for it!

[xXCountryXx]

Cut her loose. It's her loss. She's a type of friend who obviously isn't going to work out for the wrong run. Friendships, successfully friendships, are give and take. I learned this the hard way with a long time/close friend too. Eventually, you'll just figure when enough is enough and you'll cut ties. It's okay, because eventually you will literally feel a weight being lifted from your shoulders. It's ok, cause its only the strain of maintaining a one sided friendship ending.

[love1336x]

I definitely know that feeling. I have friends who are twins! I am closed to both of them. (well was...) And they would NEVER invite me to their outings. I would always have to do the planning, and the driving.. and always texting them what to do.

 

I finally got feed up, deleted their numbers, and for a week no response, BUTT eventually one of them was like, "Hey, what's up??" Along with the other twin.

 

It's annoying to always be the one reaching out! Sometimes, you want to be included too!

 

I say test her... if she doesn't contact you, then let her go, but if she does.. then she cares.

[JourneyLady]

If she has a husband and a young son, perhaps she just gets busy and doesn't think about it.

 

I don't know. I have friends - some I know pretty well, others not so much. Do I ever call them? Well, not really - I don't like telephones or telephone tag. Add to that being an introvert and a not-high-energy person.

 

So many times in my life I've invited people somewhere only to get "no, too busy" or whatever. I just don't want to face that again. Add to that I have a physical problem right now that I never know when it's going to flare up, my car is old, and money is extremely tight...

 

I'd be comfortable calling someone if it's really clear they want to spend time with me. As it is, I mostly socialize in group parties at the moment.

 

The thing about having expectations and "rules" for people, is that so often they are not met and it changes your emotional state. I'd rather not expect anything and be happy the way things are I suppose. Yet my door is always open and any of my friends who want to drop by are welcome to do so. Hasn't happened yet.

[love1336x]

Meh. I've learned over the years that there will be some people who will make an effort to contact you and arrange things and there will be some that won't.

 

If it is my job in the relationship to be the one doing the organising, so be it. I'd rather be out having a good time with friends than sitting at home fuming because no one ever contacted me.

 

 

LOL! that's how i feel too... being home and sulking is worse...

Rather be out and about!

 

I mean I don't mind planning, but sometimes when I am not invited into people outings when I always invited them... that hurts.

[Cool Chick]

You know, I don't always buy the whole "You have to accept me for who I am" statement. For me this seems like an easy 'out' for someone who doesn't necessarily want to change self destructive habits. I can't change them, but I don't have to accept them either. I also feel this is an easy statement for people to make who do not want to venture outside of their comfort zone in a relationship....change is hard, but change is not always bad if it has a positive outcome.

 

I guess I've gotten to a point where I don't want to put all the effort into making the arrangements all the time. I'm more than happy to do my fair share and even a bit more, but not all the work all the time. I also realize people have busy lives....myself included, but that doesn't prevent me from putting effort forth into a friendship, and I do not use "being busy" as an excuse for not trying at all.

 

I also don't sit at home 'fuming', but when I came to the realization that the people I 'thought' were my friends really weren't it hurt a lot and it's taken a good amount of time for me come to terms with that and to re-evaluate my own expectations in a friendship.

 

A lot of your are right....time to quit struggling to much with friendships that don't work well for me and go try to make new friends. That's a whole other post in and of itself!