If your wife had previously slept with your friend.........

[Clockwork]

Alright, this is inspired from the other thread about the guy who slept with his brother's fiancee. He was wondering if his brother would ever forgive him.

 

Well, here is my story (don't worry, it is a very happy ending) and this might shine a bit of light on what might be the best thing to do when such an issue arises.

 

I met my eventual wife through a very good friend of mine. I liked her immediately and thought she was the "one" from the start. Everything was going perfectly for the first 9-10 months and it was starting to get serious as well. Now, my friend was married, yet he was a serial philanderer. I always wondered why he was only "friends" with my wife before I met her.

 

Well, one day my wife told me what happened. She had lost her virginity with my friend long before we had met. She would sneak over to his house a few times and they'd have sex when his wife wasn't home. It was a story she dreaded having to tell me but didn't want to go any further until she told me. I was shocked, and hurt. I called my friend right away, he admitted to everything but was talking very quietly because he didn't want his wife to know.

 

You know, I wasn't mad at my girlfriend (eventual wife). I wasn't. Heck, she told me the last remaining skeleton in her closet. She was sorry it took her this long to tell me but she didn't want to lie about her past if we were going forward. I understood that, and I realized I had many skeletons of my own I had to tell her and was nervous about doing so but she was always fine with them. How many girls or guys would NEVER tell that kind of secret? Many have, and many will. This had happened maybe one year until about 6 months before I met her. After that, she was doing her own thing but for whatever reason my friend still introduced me to this "girl" he used to work with. Why a married man would introduce to his best buddy a girl he had an affair with but wanted to keep it secret is beyond me but I am glad he did.

 

He never was going to tell me, he admitted to that. He didn't want to "hurt" me. I talked to my girlfriend and after a couple of days was completely over it. Honestly. But I had to make a decision. I couldn't be friends with my friend anymore. I felt betrayed. My girlfriend at least told me what had happened and since I wasn't even around at that time it was fine, besides I was doing "things" to that I wasn't proud of before we met. If anything it made us stronger, she didn't cheat at all, but she told me a story that made me realize I could trust her even more. A year later we were married. We are expecting our second little one. Life is great.

 

But as for my friend, we've lost contact. It makes me sad that we aren't friends anymore but it ended right away, it had to. I wanted a future with my wife and couldn't have it with him around. This is the decision I made. Eventually he got caught sleeping around by his wife and she gave him the boot. We had some good times, but the friendship could never, ever be the same so I did what was right.

 

Of all the stories I see on here of people asking "what should I do" in certain situations, all I can say is that the second you remove the negative and deceitful parts of your life, things are better.

[CptSaveAho]

This story is the biggest bunch of hypocrisy ive ever read on LS

 

So you give your friend the boot but your wife/gf gets a free pass but you're over it? Give me a break

 

Typical guy that lies to himself, women first, friends come last.

 

I dont know about other posters on LS but I would never date a woman that sleeps with a married man. They are losers. They chase the drama and the thrill of it. If someone told me that, they would get the boot. Your wife expected the boot when she told you. Whats to stop her from doing it again? Nothing... just because she told you she did it doesnt mean her pattern of behavior has changed

Edited August 16, 2013 by CptSaveAho

[Clockwork]

This story is the biggest bunch of hypocrisy ive ever read on LS

 

So you give your friend the boot but your wife/gf gets a free pass but you're over it? Give me a break

 

Typical guy that lies to himself, women first, friends come last.

 

I dont know about other posters on LS but I would never date a woman that sleeps with a married man. They are losers. They chase the drama and the thrill of it. If someone told me that, they would get the boot. Your wife expected the boot when she told you. Whats to stop her from doing it again? Nothing... just because she told you she did it doesnt mean her pattern of behavior has changed

 

Well to be fair she was 19-20 years old at the time. Some people make stupid decisions when they're young that they regret. You know, I could have gone 50 years and never known what happened but I was told because my girlfriend had respect for me and didn't want us going any further with her past not cleared up. I knew my friend, he was a womanizer. He had a black book, he pursued women with little care for his own wife. I would think if anything that a situation like this would make me trust her even more, don't you think? She had everything to lose here.

 

But in this situation you pretty much have to cut somebody loose. You can't have your friend and his wife hanging around you and your eventual wife. Sorry, I'm just not into that type of thing. I don't hang around girls I slept with and I don't want my wife hanging around people she slept with as well. You have to remember, I was forgiving her for her past BEFORE me. If she overlooked things about me before we met shouldn't I do the same?

[MrBossMan]

This story is the biggest bunch of hypocrisy ive ever read on LS

 

So you give your friend the boot but your wife/gf gets a free pass but you're over it? Give me a break

 

Typical guy that lies to himself, women first, friends come last.

 

I dont know about other posters on LS but I would never date a woman that sleeps with a married man. They are losers. They chase the drama and the thrill of it. If someone told me that, they would get the boot. Your wife expected the boot when she told you. Whats to stop her from doing it again? Nothing... just because she told you she did it doesnt mean her pattern of behavior has changed

 

Yeah, that's very questionable behavior. Most people would not sink to what she did. But at the same time, she came clean without needing to. A lot of cheaters never change, but this was a sign that she is ready to change and leave the past behind. I'd keep an eye open, but let it go. Be thankful that you didn't hear about it 20 years from now by accident.

[Clockwork]

Yeah, that's very questionable behavior. Most people would not sink to what she did. But at the same time, she came clean without needing to. A lot of cheaters never change, but this was a sign that she is ready to change and leave the past behind. I'd keep an eye open, but let it go. Be thankful that you didn't hear about it 20 years from now by accident.

 

Oh look, I'm not saying she didn't so something wrong then either. But he was the married one. She was the virgin with no experience, no past boyfriend, etc. She was naive, and made some poor choices. He rolled out the red carpet, told her the usual things guys say to the girl (I'll leave my wife, you are special, etc.). There is no need to look over my shoulder. We obviously trust each other. Nothing has ever happened while we were together. You never had a skeleton in your closet from when you were 20 years old that you regret?

[Try]

She had lost her virginity with my friend long before we had met. She would sneak over to his house a few times and they'd have sex when his wife wasn't home.

Wow, she would "sneak over to his house" and have sex with him when the wife was not there. Did she enjoy the sex in the wife's martial bed extra special? Did taking another woman's husband make her feel superior? Do you really think that this makes your wife good wife material and that this is an inspiring story just because she told you?

 

I called my friend right away, he admitted to everything but was talking very quietly because he didn't want his wife to know.

And you did not tell your friend's wife because? That's right, if your wife had no respect for their marraige or the other woman, why should you? Now that I think about it, the two of you are perfect for each other, but I would watch your back. I am told that affair sex is very addictive because it is almost always better than same old everyday marraige sex, but I am sure that your wife can explain this to you better than me.

[road]

Well, one day my wife told me what happened. She would sneak over to his house a few times and they'd have sex when his wife wasn't home. It was a story she dreaded having to tell me but didn't want to go any further until she told me. I called my friend right away, he admitted to everything

 

 

Your future W was cheating with your BF. Not cheating on you though still cheating.

 

 

You know, I wasn't mad at my girlfriend (eventual wife). I wasn't. Heck, she told me the last remaining skeleton in her closet. She was sorry it took her this long to tell me but she didn't want to lie about her past if we were going forward.

 

 

I was good that she told you about her cheating. Though many a cheater always minimize the truth. Such as it happened lasted for 6 months and we only did it a few times, it was over 6 months before I met you. This info more times then not is only the tip of the iceberg.

 

 

He never was going to tell me, he admitted to that.

 

 

Most cheaters do not want the truth to ever get out.

 

 

she didn't cheat at all, but she told me a story that made me realize I could trust her even more. A year later we were married. We are expecting our second little one. Life is great.

 

 

Hello,

 

Anybody home?

 

The lights on but..........

 

When are you going to realize that she was your friends AP?

 

Your GF has earned the title of cheater. Has she turned the corner to never back slide? Maybe. Hope so. Hope she did not sugar coat the truth of her past.

 

 

for my friend, we've lost contact. It makes me sad that we aren't friends anymore but it ended right away, it had to. I wanted a future with my wife and couldn't have it with him around.

 

 

The right move. To many affairs have restarted because of NC not being maintained.

[road]

And you did not tell your friend's wife because? That's right, if your wife had no respect for their marraige or the other woman, why should you? Now that I think about it, the two of you are perfect for each other, but I would watch your back. I am told that affair sex is very addictive because it is almost always better than same old everyday marraige sex, but I am sure that your wife can explain this to you better than me.

 

 

Forgot that little point. Glad you did not.

[PlumPrincess]

So, you cut ties with your friend because he and your wife had something going on before she met you. I don't know what his has to do with the other story where the guy's fiancée slept with his brother and betrayed his trust, making him lose his girlfriend and his brother. Who betrayed you in this case? The only person I see getting cheated on in your story is your friend's wife and one of the co-perpetrators is your current wife.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Alright, this is inspired from the other thread about the guy who slept with his brother's fiancee. He was wondering if his brother would ever forgive him.

 

Well, here is my story (don't worry, it is a very happy ending) and this might shine a bit of light on what might be the best thing to do when such an issue arises.

 

I met my eventual wife through a very good friend of mine. I liked her immediately and thought she was the "one" from the start. Everything was going perfectly for the first 9-10 months and it was starting to get serious as well. Now, my friend was married, yet he was a serial philanderer. I always wondered why he was only "friends" with my wife before I met her.

 

Well, one day my wife told me what happened. She had lost her virginity with my friend long before we had met. She would sneak over to his house a few times and they'd have sex when his wife wasn't home. It was a story she dreaded having to tell me but didn't want to go any further until she told me. I was shocked, and hurt. I called my friend right away, he admitted to everything but was talking very quietly because he didn't want his wife to know.

 

You know, I wasn't mad at my girlfriend (eventual wife). I wasn't. Heck, she told me the last remaining skeleton in her closet. She was sorry it took her this long to tell me but she didn't want to lie about her past if we were going forward. I understood that, and I realized I had many skeletons of my own I had to tell her and was nervous about doing so but she was always fine with them. How many girls or guys would NEVER tell that kind of secret? Many have, and many will. This had happened maybe one year until about 6 months before I met her. After that, she was doing her own thing but for whatever reason my friend still introduced me to this "girl" he used to work with. Why a married man would introduce to his best buddy a girl he had an affair with but wanted to keep it secret is beyond me but I am glad he did.

 

He never was going to tell me, he admitted to that. He didn't want to "hurt" me. I talked to my girlfriend and after a couple of days was completely over it. Honestly. But I had to make a decision. I couldn't be friends with my friend anymore. I felt betrayed. My girlfriend at least told me what had happened and since I wasn't even around at that time it was fine, besides I was doing "things" to that I wasn't proud of before we met. If anything it made us stronger, she didn't cheat at all, but she told me a story that made me realize I could trust her even more. A year later we were married. We are expecting our second little one. Life is great.

 

But as for my friend, we've lost contact. It makes me sad that we aren't friends anymore but it ended right away, it had to. I wanted a future with my wife and couldn't have it with him around. This is the decision I made. Eventually he got caught sleeping around by his wife and she gave him the boot. We had some good times, but the friendship could never, ever be the same so I did what was right.

 

Of all the stories I see on here of people asking "what should I do" in certain situations, all I can say is that the second you remove the negative and deceitful parts of your life, things are better.

 

I guess I am the lone dissenter here? I think that it's good she realized what she did was both wrong and a barrier to your relationship progressing.

 

I also think that it's much harder to be in a successful married relationship if you are buddies with a philanderer.

 

I think being buddies with they guy your wife had an extramarital affair with (before you met) and all the associated weirdness that would ensue is a bad idea. Some can do it, others can't. Good for you.

[CptSaveAho]

You have to remember, I was forgiving her for her past BEFORE me.

 

What???????????????????????????????????????

 

I didnt know she had to have your permission to sleep with another man before you or that you somehow became her judge/jury/ and executioner

 

What is there to "forgive"? Its not your crime but you are definitely paying the price.

 

Do you not see/understand that you are so full of crap in your own post. Your post is more "self talk" that you are trying to convince yourself that you have moved forward and seeking validation from others, in order to give it to yourself.

 

People that actually move forward, just do it... they dont post about it on LS... you see the big red elephant in the room but instead of actually doing something about it, you are just taking a bath towel and throwing it over its trunk.

 

Have fun with that

[Clockwork]

What???????????????????????????????????????

 

I didnt know she had to have your permission to sleep with another man before you or that you somehow became her judge/jury/ and executioner

 

What is there to "forgive"? Its not your crime but you are definitely paying the price.

 

Do you not see/understand that you are so full of crap in your own post. Your post is more "self talk" that you are trying to convince yourself that you have moved forward and seeking validation from others, in order to give it to yourself.

 

People that actually move forward, just do it... they dont post about it on LS... you see the big red elephant in the room but instead of actually doing something about it, you are just taking a bath towel and throwing it over its trunk.

 

Have fun with that

 

Weird post.............but anyway. I thought on LS we talked about things and shared stories. Looks to me like we do that stuff all the time. Where exactly is this big red elephant you speak of? Have any of my posts sounded like I was trying to "convince" myself of anything. Obviously I got the details from both sides and realized that there was a time when my wife was young and stupid and got lured into a guy paying attention to her. Now, I've never slept with a married woman, but good God if I went into detail about some of the things I am not proud of in my past relationships that I wish I could do over I think I'd be banned from here. Eventually, you meet the right person, you know?

 

Wow, she would "sneak over to his house" and have sex with him when the wife was not there. Did she enjoy the sex in the wife's martial bed extra special? Did taking another woman's husband make her feel superior? Do you really think that this makes your wife good wife material and that this is an inspiring story just because she told you?

 

And you did not tell your friend's wife because? That's right, if your wife had no respect for their marraige or the other woman, why should you? Now that I think about it, the two of you are perfect for each other, but I would watch your back. I am told that affair sex is very addictive because it is almost always better than same old everyday marraige sex, but I am sure that your wife can explain this to you better than me.

 

Well we've had an amazing sex life from the get go. But what did you want me to do, expose everything to his wife? I know how my friend was, sooner or later he was going to get caught doing what he did. I didn't disclose this information to anyone because it wasn't necessary and it would only have complicated things with our future.

 

I guess I am the lone dissenter here? I think that it's good she realized what she did was both wrong and a barrier to your relationship progressing.

 

I also think that it's much harder to be in a successful married relationship if you are buddies with a philanderer.

 

I think being buddies with they guy your wife had an extramarital affair with (before you met) and all the associated weirdness that would ensue is a bad idea. Some can do it, others can't. Good for you.

 

I'm surprised more people aren't posting like this. I had a friend who was never going to tell me what happened - ever. My girlfriend wasn't going to go any further until she did. Of all the things you hear on LS about people posting saying "I am cheating with my co-worker" etc., I thought this was much more tame. This was the past tense before I was even around. Did everyone's spouse/girlfriend live like a nun before they met all of the sudden?

[Clockwork]

It sounds like your friend and your now-wife were using you as the "beard." The cover story so they could continue their affair behind his wife's back.

 

Or else your now-wife was getting too clingy so your friend had to pass her off on someone else and you were chosen.

 

Either way it is extremely unlikely that your now-wife ever stopped having sex with him even after she became involved with you, unless there was absolutely no chance of any secretive physical contact between them

 

Remember--your wife was a VIRGIN who must have been so IN LOVE with this man that she was willing to sneak around behind his wife's back and give up her virginity to him in a clandestine affair. To your wife, he was and will always be her first love, her only true love, the one who got away.

 

The creepiest most unsavory part of the story is that your friend obviously was passing off his "leftovers" or "sloppy seconds" to you and you never seemed to have grasped that aspect of the situation.

 

I think you'd have to be there and know the parties. I sort of chuckled at "true love". I mean, I remember the woman I lost my virginity to and while I thought at one point that she was amazing (nothing to compare it to) I also was young and foolish then. I wouldn't say my "true love" either. I'd just say a "lover" at one time. I met my eventual wife at a club one night. I was out with my friend and she happened to be there, he obviously knew her. They had previously worked together. He introduced me to her. It was spontaneous so he wasn't really "passing" her off. He hadn't seen her in quite some time, something he said that very night and long before he even knew I would have a relationship with her. This wasn't exactly a "match making" thing. But you'd think a married guy would avoid a girl he screwed around with, but that's how he was, he was a pretty bold guy.

 

You believe this because that's what they told you?

 

Of course. My wife of course was the one who told me initially. It came as a complete shock to my friend that I was told. Again, you'd have to be there in the situation.

 

 

 

So she hasn't really been completely forthcoming about the timeline, has she. She's leaving it vague.

 

No, they both pretty much said the same thing. An affair a few times over the course of a year or so. Hadn't seen each other in a few months before I met. My wife was young, doing her own thing by then, doing what a lot of college aged girls do. She moved on, perhaps knew it was wrong. I can even remember the girl my friend was stepping out on his wife with around the time my wife and I met.

 

 

Who knows whose "thing" she was or wasn't doing?

 

And I explained the "why" of it for you above.

 

You also realize that she was deceptive or lied to you about the nature of their true relationship until well into the relationship with you so the entire thing was based on a false premise.

 

That's not to say she ever cheated on you after you got married and assuming she went no contact with your friend, but it's naive of you to believe that they weren't still meeting from time to time for sex, or that she wasn't deeply in love with him, overlapping with your relationship with her.

 

Well it doesn't make sense at all what you are thinking. We got together and saw each other everyday right from the beginning. We were in love. We got serious right from the get go. Why she didn't tell me right away was out of fear of me leaving her, is my guess. However, she felt guilty, didn't want to leave anything out about her past and told me what had happened without me even so much as asking. That right there is a sign you can trust someone because I had never so much assumed they had sex and would never have even thought about it. There could have been 50 years of lies right there but out of respect, she told me. You don't think that you'd give the person the benefit of the doubt there with so much to lose?

 

I'm wondering why you assume they continued to have sex. They hadn't seen each other in months the first night I met her. My wife has her first boyfriend ever (me) and THEN she has an affair with an old flame? I think you're looking into this too much.

[sayyes19]

Weird post.............but anyway. I thought on LS we talked about things and shared stories. Looks to me like we do that stuff all the time. Where exactly is this big red elephant you speak of? Have any of my posts sounded like I was trying to "convince" myself of anything. Obviously I got the details from both sides and realized that there was a time when my wife was young and stupid and got lured into a guy paying attention to her. Now, I've never slept with a married woman, but good God if I went into detail about some of the things I am not proud of in my past relationships that I wish I could do over I think I'd be banned from here. Eventually, you meet the right person, you know?

 

 

 

Well we've had an amazing sex life from the get go. But what did you want me to do, expose everything to his wife? I know how my friend was, sooner or later he was going to get caught doing what he did. I didn't disclose this information to anyone because it wasn't necessary and it would only have complicated things with our future.

 

 

 

I'm surprised more people aren't posting like this. I had a friend who was never going to tell me what happened - ever. My girlfriend wasn't going to go any further until she did. Of all the things you hear on LS about people posting saying "I am cheating with my co-worker" etc., I thought this was much more tame. This was the past tense before I was even around. Did everyone's spouse/girlfriend live like a nun before they met all of the sudden?[ /QUOTE]

In your situation I would have a really hard time with it, but I can totally understand having to ditch the friend. Problem would be that all of my friends are friends with each other too. It would be very awkward.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

This story is the biggest bunch of hypocrisy ive ever read on LS

 

So you give your friend the boot but your wife/gf gets a free pass but you're over it? Give me a break

 

Typical guy that lies to himself, women first, friends come last.

 

I dont know about other posters on LS but I would never date a woman that sleeps with a married man. They are losers. They chase the drama and the thrill of it. If someone told me that, they would get the boot. Your wife expected the boot when she told you. Whats to stop her from doing it again? Nothing... just because she told you she did it doesnt mean her pattern of behavior has changed

 

I think both the friend and the wife suck.

 

They both lied about it. Also, she willingly slept with a married man. That's a red flag. Usually people don't change their morals as they get older. They simply hide it better. How can you be sure that she's not stepping out on you?

 

Personally, OP, I don't believe in giving people a clean slate for past mistakes (and I don't expect people to give me a pass for my past mistakes). "Being young and making mistakes" is not a good excuse for bad behavior.

Edited August 17, 2013 by HoneyBadgerDontCare

[PlumPrincess]

The OP seems to want to turn his wife into a saint and his friend into the evil seducer of young innocent girls.

 

Sometimes I'm really baffled at the lies people tell themselves, because they can't accept reality as it is. How blind do you have to be to draw parallels between this story and the other one.

 

By the way, that doesn't match up:

Why a married man would introduce to his best buddy a girl he had an affair with but wanted to keep it secret is beyond me but I am glad he did.

 

It was spontaneous so he wasn't really "passing" her off. He hadn't seen her in quite some time, something he said that very night and long before he even knew I would have a relationship with her. This wasn't exactly a "match making" thing. But you'd think a married guy would avoid a girl he screwed around with, but that's how he was, he was a pretty bold guy.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

So I understand on LS that people assume the worse, cause frankly, it's usually true, but in your case, happily married, two kids on the way, I assume you worked it out.

 

So a couple questions for you. Now that you are married...

 

1. How does your wife feel about being the OW? Has her feelings about that changed at all?

2. How do you feel about not telling the wife, would you want someon to tell you if your wife were cheating? Or would you do it differently?

 

I do believe that we tend to gloss over the bad things our loved ones do with excuses. But I just wonder if in light of her maturing, if your wife regrets her part in the deception? If she has ever apologized to the XWIFE? Or anything like that.

[Clockwork]

I think both the friend and the wife suck.

 

They both lied about it. Also, she willingly slept with a married man. That's a red flag. Usually people don't change their morals as they get older. They simply hide it better. How can you be sure that she's not stepping out on you?

 

Personally, OP, I don't believe in giving people a clean slate for past mistakes (and I don't expect people to give me a pass for my past mistakes). "Being young and making mistakes" is not a good excuse for bad behavior.

 

You have to start a relationship with a clean slate or else no one would ever be together. You can still know something you did at one time was wrong but still start fresh with a new person, you know? I don't want to be judged by my wife for the things I did before I even knew her.

 

The OP seems to want to turn his wife into a saint and his friend into the evil seducer of young innocent girls.

 

Sometimes I'm really baffled at the lies people tell themselves, because they can't accept reality as it is. How blind do you have to be to draw parallels between this story and the other one.

 

By the way, that doesn't match up:

 

She was "the other woman" at one time with a guy who had plenty. No, she wasn't innocent at all with that. But there are times when something a person does is an abberation and then a trend. Both were wrong in what they did, but one of them has an awful trend with this. That's looking at the whole picture.

 

And I was introduced to her, but it was spontaneous and unplanned. We were at the same bar as she was. I don't think my friend figured introducing me to a former lover would end up in my marriage.

 

So I understand on LS that people assume the worse, cause frankly, it's usually true, but in your case, happily married, two kids on the way, I assume you worked it out.

 

So a couple questions for you. Now that you are married...

 

1. How does your wife feel about being the OW? Has her feelings about that changed at all?

2. How do you feel about not telling the wife, would you want someon to tell you if your wife were cheating? Or would you do it differently?

 

I do believe that we tend to gloss over the bad things our loved ones do with excuses. But I just wonder if in light of her maturing, if your wife regrets her part in the deception? If she has ever apologized to the XWIFE? Or anything like that.

 

Oh yes, loads of regret. Lots of guilt, and to know her I can assure you it is genuine. my friend didnt have mutual friends with me, so when we parted ways no one knew why. As for his wife? We thought of telling her but would that complicate things more? this couple got divorced soon after that anyway (my buddy never could keep it zipped up).

 

One thing my wife worried about when we met was telling me. she assumed I knew the first little bit, but soon found out my friend had never said anything, like most guys do. This was a moment in her life she was not proud of at all, and she finally met the right guy and was mad at herself because she knew she had to tell me. So yes, there was obviously a ton of regret.