If you would be/were "outed"

[Ruffian1]

Just as important she would not want to tell the world she was a revengeful biatch.

What I am saying is that if she tried to do damage to me publically, it would be something she would very much regret.

 

Ahh . . .no, the public would think you are the revengeful cheater who is trying to get even.

Ha, baseballs' Ryan Braun got caught again, so he's blaming the urine collector for being anti-semetic, . .

How about accepting some personal responsibility.

Most likely, if she is tell, tell, tell, she is done, done, done, anyway

[JustJoe]

Good Morning Just Joe*

Two things:

1. It may help if you explain (as best you can on a public forum) what the consequences were for your OW now Wife when the A came "Out".

I only have my experiences w/what happened w/my H's A and the few experiences learning of other people's A's that were "outed".

 

2. PLEASE Change your avatar wording to "NORTHERN MICHIGAN". It creeps me out everytime as NOBODY calls it "upstate Michigan" !!! It just isn't spoken or written that way!*

You sound like a Fudgey... lol*

The consequences for her were the end of her marriage and the loss of lots and lots of money. She basically just wanted out of the marriage and took nothing from him, with her. Not even clothes or jewelry , pretty much nothing.

I know, I do that because most people would not understand about the "Mitten" or the LP and UP. MOST of the time it saves explaining.

[whycan'tI]

I was BS for years and now I am an OW. I never wanted to "out" my ex H affair partner.

In my current situation if we were found out about the "outing" would be minimal. Our lives are not connected in anyway.

There are many reasons why people choose to be an A partner and not all of them are because the person has no morals. It is real easy to judge people from the sidelines looking in.

[JustJoe]

Joe, if you don't see the issues and red flags in this post no amount of discussion is going to help.

I wonder who made you the Authority?

[JustJoe]

Joe

 

Stronger Now said this:

 

 

 

Which you agreed with:

 

 

 

Which means this:

 

 

 

is plainly incorrect. You have agreed with a poster that I am "damaged" and "easy" in the opinion of men yet you say I am doing the name calling. Not quite sure how that works out.

 

The nebulous others being the ones you have already responded to in this thread so indifferent does not quite ring true either.

 

 

 

So how come your wife can be universally loved by friends (which I have not disputed) yet I am someone who is perceived by people who know me as damaged? Why is my situation so different to hers? That is what I don't understand.

 

And yes, you have PMd me to say that you don't like the fact that I still work with the exOM. Well that is not your problem and I absolutely fail to see how that has any bearing on this thread.

 

Joe - you look down on me because I was a WS. Simple as that. I just don't understand why you have this opinion of me (and other fWSs) yet not your wife. Surely you can see that people learn and change?

 

 

 

 

Stronger - sorry to pull your post back up. This is not meant to stir things up between you and me.

Sorry but I did NOT agree that you are "damaged " or "easy" I agreed that you would be thought by your male co-workers as such. Big difference.

[anne1707]

Sorry but I did NOT agree that you are "damaged " or "easy" I agreed that you would be thought by your male co-workers as such. Big difference.

 

Does that mean men think your wife is easy because that is exactly the logic you are applying to me?

[JustJoe]

As I said earlier in this thread, I do not think nobody ever suspected my affair. I am sure some probably did and if so then there would have been some gossip. However I actually think long term, people have better things to do than to still be talking about it five years later. I am quite sure I am respected, I am liked and that I am not seen as "damaged" or "easy" by anybody I work with.

 

I can also categorically say that my work performance was not affected (apart from in the immediate aftermath of dday) and that I never took advantage of my employer (long lunch breaks, using company equipment, etc) as has been suggested usually happens. I have always been professional in the work place and my integrity (yes, my integrity) is very important to me.

 

Maybe its because I am not into gossip and cheap talk as some here may be but to me I am work to work, not talk about other people's personal lives.

Personally, Anne, I think that you and I are more concerned about our integrity, because there was a time when it wasn't as important to either of us. As far as disliking WS's, since my Mom was one and my wife was one, I have a very strange way of expressing that dislike, don't I? My admiration for both of these women is based on their ability to improve themselves, and regain their lost honor. And believe it or not, I admire you for the same thing. I'm not sure how you did it, because your situation is so different from mine, but you did and it shows great maturity.

[JustJoe]

Anybody want to take any further pot-shots at me, do so by way of PM. I'm out of here so that the thread can continue on topic. Bye.

[uhavegottobekiding]

In my work experience, if you own a company, it doesn't much matter. If your in high management, it doesn't much matter. If your a pion, it makes you look bad and will influence promotions. Not all the time, but sometimes.

 

I love the lines :

----------------------------------------------

I think it's a situation of some people really wanting these types of things to happen. Wanting people to be ostracized and publicly shamed, but in reality it rarely happens. I think they feel injustice from that. That because they were hurt and are livid that they want everyone to feel the same way they do about the situation, and when they don't, they feel even more slighted. It's a revenge mentality and I don't do revenge, it doesn't suit me, I don't like the way it tastes (powerful but pathetic often and shameful always).

-----------------------------

I don't do revenge? Are you stating this from a place of hoping to persuade others to take the same viewpoint?

 

Generally speaking, if you "fall in love" and b$(@k someone else's spouse, on the sly, if the person who's life you are wrecking, even if you don't know them personally, finds out about it, you have to expect at least some sort of response.

 

It could be fury at their spouse. Suicide from the self loathing. Drowning themselves in booze and pills to escape. You name it. It could even be not turning the anger inward (and a spouse kinda counts as inward, they are sort of bonded). They could turn it outward and decide to b$(@k a little with your life.

 

Its like watching kids bully each other. The ones that have some sort of desire to be cool and liked, to feel popular from it. You know the types. They love gossiping and being cruel, until they get called out on it and have a little done back. Then they cry and complain.

 

I think people don't change. They just find other things to do with what they know.

 

And of course, I'm sure all of you lovely affair partners are different. That none of you get any thrill from the sneaking around, from the feeling like you are part of a conspiracy, from the deceit, from knowing someone likes you enough to lie and risk all to be with you. I'm sure its just love or lust, or a deep soulful friendship that was fated to be something more. And if that nasty betrayed spouse finds out about you and dares to point to the world what you are doing to their life, well, they are just jerks!

 

After all, are we all not just victims of circumstance?

Edited August 19, 2013 by uhavegottobekiding

[Got it]

OK, I am talking about how people feel about those in affairs, not getting fired or denied a promotion or any of that stuff....no legislation is going to change how your coworkers feel about you and your affair...that was my point and one of the reasons I am not a fan of outing. Of course there is the latent, non provable forms of discrimination ie...people won't pick you to be on their committee and the social aspects of work where they would not want you any place near their spouse at a social function, etc...

 

Bottom line, if you are outed to your coworkers you pay in ways large and small, some you may be aware of, some going on behind your back...ditto your neighbors, family, church, etc....when outed..people see you differently, they just do...some you care about, some you don't...I don't care how prevalent affairs are, they are still taboo and you will still be judged on your role...women more harshly than men...all that needs to be taken in to account not only when you decide to engage in an affair but if you decide to out someone...

 

Stronger, and I am telling you most people don't care. Maybe if you are in some small town or maybe the bible belt but outside of that why would they?

 

I don't know, what you are posting is so foreign to me. It might be the gossip du jour but it quickly passes. Are you posting actually something you have experienced?

 

I work for an international company and I was "outed". I can tell you it didn't matter. It didn't matter at work, it didn't matter with my family or friends, it had little impact outside of the ex looking vengeful and foolish. Now, again, I am not saying my situation is every situation but no one cared and no one cares anymore about the affair. In fact a large number of those people attended our wedding. It did not impact either one of our positions in the least.

 

Where I stand with my coworkers is the value I bring to the company, the initiatives I front, the improvements I campaigns, and the work that I do. While I am not a fan of happy hours and don't attend based on my position, I have no issues being introduced to at company sponsored social events. But I am not paid to be friends with my coworkers, I am paid to do my job well and who I fu%k at night doesn't play a factor.

[wanting more]

I hit "like" as many times as I could on Got It's post.

 

I agree. I'm sure some people at my job figured out the A but no one, no one asks differently towards me. I'm respected in my job

 

One thing my boss told me when I told him about the A was " well at least it never effected your job". I'm good at what I do. I'm friendly and well liked and respected. Sure some may not agree or understood the A but I'm not shunned. I'm not penalized at work.

[SidLyon]

I wonder what most employers would think about the affair couple having sex at work. I know for a fact it happened with my fWH and the OW - in their workplace library no less!

 

What about other employees who notice that the normally open door is closed?

[velvette]

I wonder what most employers would think about the affair couple having sex at work. I know for a fact it happened with my fWH and the OW - in their workplace library no less!

 

What about other employees who notice that the normally open door is closed?

 

 

They would be suspended without pay or fired at my company depending on other factors and assuming there was proof.

 

If other employees were complaining and voiced suspicions, a camera would have been placed in the library to get proof and then they would have been disciplined.

[wanting more]

I wonder what most employers would think about the affair couple having sex at work. I know for a fact it happened with my fWH and the OW - in their workplace library no less!

 

What about other employees who notice that the normally open door is closed?

 

I'm sure that would make a difference. We didn't have sex at work and he wasn't may boss.

[velvette]

I hit "like" as many times as I could on Got It's post.

 

I agree. I'm sure some people at my job figured out the A but no one, no one asks differently towards me. I'm respected in my job

 

One thing my boss told me when I told him about the A was " well at least it never effected your job". I'm good at what I do. I'm friendly and well liked and respected. Sure some may not agree or understood the A but I'm not shunned. I'm not penalized at work.

 

Affairs are rampant in the workplace. Its the number 1 place people meet an A partner. For every A that flies under the radar and has no impact on a persons work, there's another one that is taking place in everyone including the employers face and is impacting work in lots of ways that violate company policy. Sometimes quiet A's blow up as well.

 

Suffice to say most of the people who are foolish enough to engage in that kind of behavior are probably not introspecting about it on an internet forum. But trust me there are lots of them out there.

[2sure]

I could not out my X because it would ruin his carrier and hurt mine.

I worked with him prior to marrying him , but we could not even date until I changed jobs.

 

My niece and her husband worked together, he asked her out the day after she quit.

 

It's not uncommon at all for there to be zero tolerance. I don't think it matters in the least most places, but zero tolerance is nothing unusual.

[rumbleseat]

So the bs is expected to have self control and keep her emotions in check. If she feels something inappropriate, she should push it way down lest she interfere with the owoman's life?

 

Too bad the ow didn't follow that same advice. If she did, then she wouldn't be at risk of exposure.

 

Oh, I forgot. She couldn't help herself.

[wanting more]

I (OW) never said don't tell. I said if a BW is going to call an employer about the A so that every one can know what a horrible person she is, make sure the OW can't go back and do the same thing against the WS. not vengeful against the BS like many people here assumed I was talking about. But if you're going to call my employer and make accusations that I'm a stalker, that I used company property to send dirty pics, that I used work time to travel to cities and find your WH to force myself on him and make him have sex with me, then yes, I will call/email HIS boss and send him copies of the naked pics and videos he sent me (from his work phone and I never sent him naked pics/videos). , the texts sending me confirmations for airplane tickets he bought to meet him while he was traveling for work.

 

Once again, the MM is my situation lied and lied and lied to his BW. I sent her my apology. I sent her proof to show he was lying and that he was as much involved in the A as I was. It was her choice to believe him and not look at the proof. Outing me to my BSO (which she didnt do, my BSO discovered the A on his own) is different than calling my workplace. When people say "make them suffer thru the consequences of an A" make sure what you're calling and accusing people of is the entire truth. Not just what you want to be the entire truth.

[Got it]

So the bs is expected to have self control and keep her emotions in check. If she feels something inappropriate, she should push it way down lest she interfere with the owoman's life?

 

Too bad the ow didn't follow that same advice. If she did, then she wouldn't be at risk of exposure.

 

Oh, I forgot. She couldn't help herself.

 

Of course not. All is fair in love and war. But it is a good idea to think out two steps ahead to make sure that the end result benefits said party. Otherwise it is a waste of effort and a lesson in futility.

[Got it]

I wonder what most employers would think about the affair couple having sex at work. I know for a fact it happened with my fWH and the OW - in their workplace library no less!

 

What about other employees who notice that the normally open door is closed?

 

Of course they are. And yes if someone is having sex on company grounds, REGARDLESS OF MARITAL STATUS, there is going to be disciplinary action which would be termination in this instance.

[waterwoman]

Sex in the workplace would count as 'gross indecency'. Having an affair with a co-worker wouldn't be an issue in any workplaces I've been in. Even when rumours about H and his OW came out in their workplace a memo was circulated saying that if anyone was identifed spreading malicious personal information they would be disciplined.

[Got it]

Stronger, and I am telling you most people don't care. Maybe if you are in some small town or maybe the bible belt but outside of that why would they?

 

I don't know, what you are posting is so foreign to me. It might be the gossip du jour but it quickly passes. Are you posting actually something you have experienced?

 

 

Everyone is judged, everyone-the gossip fades but the underlying vision of the person is still there, it just is-you can deny all you like that what you know about a person does not in some way color how you feel about them-

I live in an affluent suburb of Denver, I am a teacher, I have two kids involved in multiple sports, I am nearing 50, I volunteer more than I should, in short, I have a bunch of huge life experiences and literally come in contact with hundreds of different people every week and it never fails that someone will bring up something they know about someones personal life in the context of conversation, it can be as simple as what they do for a living, as harmless as the time they got a little tipsy at a party or as complex as an affair, abuse, etc...-you can soothe yourselves that people will forget who/what you are/did but you will forever be "the one that cheated"-AGAIN, why I am not a fan of outing-

 

Maybe you are living in Peyton's Place? It sounds FAR too concerned with the soap opera of everyone else than of anything actually substantial. What a life that tying it on one night makes for endless fodder.

 

I guess the people I associate myself with are a little more concerned with more important things than something like that. But then it may definitely be a demographic or age difference. We don't tend to gossip about the neighbors or give two wits about what Susie and John are doing especially if they have no relevance to our lives. Maybe its just a more cosmopolitan area. Oddly we have good friends in the CO area and luckily for everyone gossiping about their neighbors isn't a prime point of conversation for them either.

[ComingInHot]

Strongernow wrote, "it never fails that someone will bring up something they know about someones personal life in the context of conversation, it can be as simple as what they do for a living, as harmless as the time they got a little tipsy at a party or as complex as an affair, abuse, etc...-you can soothe yourselves that people will forget who/what you are/did but you will forever be "the one that cheated"-AGAIN, why I am not a fan of outing- "

 

I agree that the above IS true. It's sad, But true. I feel I live in a forward thinking society and STILL the gossip reigns. It's infuriating to me. One minute, the moms are all talking about children and laughing then someone will walk by and immediately in hushed voices, the Affair gossip starts. The same person will walk by again and the gossip mongers stop and smile at the person and invite them into the conversation. Only thing is, the conversation goes Right back to children, spouses, and laughing again. The person of gossip topic in none the wiser.

 

I've Not been a popular person among these mongers as I 100% don't agree that talking about a person's A or A's or that their spouse is a cheater is acceptable and I have voiced my opinion firmly and stepped away from the conversation.

 

Got it wrote, "We don't tend to gossip about the neighbors or give two wits about what Susie and John are doing especially if they have no relevance to our lives. Maybe its just a more cosmopolitan area. Oddly we have good friends in the CO area and luckily for everyone gossiping about their neighbors isn't a prime point of conversation for them either."

 

Got it, I want to live where you live!! 1. It's the flippin ROCKIES and skiing abounds! 2. It must be nice to feel comfortable around people who won't just "flip" a conversation on a dime to something tawdry and hurtful.

 

To put it plainly, Don't say ANYTHING that you wouldn't say directly to the person of whom you are referring!!

[Rose Auxerrois]

I wonder what most employers would think about the affair couple having sex at work. I know for a fact it happened with my fWH and the OW - in their workplace library no less!

 

What about other employees who notice that the normally open door is closed?

 

In academe is only discretion matters. Who you sex is your affair as long as not student. If door is closed, you must respect because here might be crying student inside, or manager counselling subordinate. Enter only if door is open.

 

One time colleague knock and enter office of academic. Academic was sexing other academic on desk - he married to someone else, she also. Colleague shocked, walks into tea room and tells. Colleague shunned, passed over for promotion, people do not trust because has no discretion, "cannot keep his gob shut". Academic and lover divorce and marry each other, he now vice chancellor of very good university and she respected professor. Shunned colleague left university long ago because no prospects.

[Spark1111]

Adultery is rarely a crime yet people die from acts of violence every day because of it.

 

If a man walks in on his wife in bed with another man and KILLS them, he can only be charged with manslaughter. Even the courts realize the extreme emotional distress of such a situation.

 

if someone abuses a child, their face appears in the newspaper to see if other children come forward; same with those charged with rape.

 

people gossip constantly about others, especially those who pose a threat to a lifestyle that makes them feel safe.

 

In the burbs, it may be gossiping about those who threaten marriage and family.

 

In more cosmopolitan areas, it may be about the new boss who wants to fire you and bring in his own people.

 

When DDay struck and I fell apart, every person who loved me wanted to know WHO the OW was. Why would I protect the identity of someone I did not know who had helped to hurt us so?

 

As for work, yes, you can be fired for an affair with a co-worker. It depends how messy it gets. Corporations HATE mess related to personal lives gossiped about the office. Some institutions forbid it.

 

Also, if any workplace resource is used to conduct an affair, that is theft of services.

 

The head of the American Red Cross and an employee were fired for using tax-exempt donations to use company phones to speak to each other. same with politicians. Buh-bye.

 

telling others? Why not? why the expectation of privacy? in fact, so many knew, suspected waaaay before I did.

 

I felt like a total idiot. Ahhh, love is blind!