If you would be/were "outed"

[ForeverHopeful1]

I think relationship drama should be kept personal. I do understand telling a close friend or family member but the entire world doesn't need to know.

[bentleychic]

I agree about it being the business of the involved parties. As a BW very much "involved" (read affected) by the A, I outed the A.

 

It got outed to people I thought would want to know. In the OW's case I outed it to her and her BH's family, her (religious organisation) employer, the other MM she was having an A with and his family, as well as some colleagues.

 

As for my WH the A got outed to his family, my family and some friends, but not his workplace.

 

I am hopeful that the OW told your WH's workplace since you contacted her employer. It only seems fair that both players in the game should pay, since you went after her livelihood.

 

You can bet your bippy that I would have, if I'd been in that situation.

[bentleychic]

My situation.

 

xMM BW discovers A. He's gaslighted her so much. She believes him that I was the seducer. I forced myself on him. I made him have sex with me. He never sent dirty texts. He never sent dirty pics. We never went away together. He never said he loved me. And she believes him. So she outs me. She calls my BSO. she calls my boss. She calls my coworkers. She tells them all the same thing. I stalked him. I seduced him. I was the aggressor.

 

So in turn I send the dirty pics and videos he sent me to get, her kids, her family. I forward his voicemails of ILYs. I want to be with you. Im working on leaving my wife.

 

These are not my words of what he said, it's his voice. It's his dirty pics and videos.

 

Is it going to make me look innocent. Absolutely not. But it'll show what a liar he is. It'll show his family how he's continuing to lie to his BW that he supposedly loves. It'll show her he's not who she thinks he is.

 

So in trying to out me, she and her family and his new employer will see him in a different light, and it won't have the impact just on me she was going for.

 

I think sending that stuff to his kids and her family is way over the top and, quite honestly, despicable. It's one thing to send it to her to prove that he's a lying scum bag. Getting the kids involved? Down right disgusting.

[So happy together]

I think this is a warning for all, especially the WS and AP who at least know what they're choosing before hand, whereas for the betrayed, sometimes their reaction is just that, reactionary, as it is all a big surprise when they find out and simply respond to it without always thinking or under great emotional stress.

 

If you choose an A you can't choose how the BS will respond if it comes out, so be prepared for anything and realize they will have absolutely no reason to be considerate of you and your family and job, as let's face it, the AP wasn't of theirs. Some BSs are people who can remain level-headed and take the high road or who will believe the A is just between them and their spouse, others won't, others will be vengeful, others will see it as something to tell one and all, and the AP unfortunately doesn't get to choose what kind of BS they get.

 

When you're in a love triangle which includes deceit, be prepared for anything when it's outed. Expect a dirty fight, but hope for the best. BWs may have to be prepared for bunny boilers their husbands brought to their doorsteps and the OW may have to prepare for a BS who is on the war path because of what she and her husband have done. Nothing about a secret A is fair. And in that vein when it is outed, all of a sudden one, esp not the AP and WS, can expect things should be fair or the BS should care about them and the larger picture and their family...I mean come on...did the WS and AP think about their own family and larger picture while knowingly choosing an A everyday? They chose the A knowing it could potentially lead to drama but did it anyway so they are not the victims at that point but it's a direct result of the actions they chose to undertake. If you lose your job and so on...well it wasn't for no reason...it was because of something YOU did...as if solely having an affair made you lose your job...the telling is only telling what you really did and what you really did was on you.

 

I'm not denying this. There are things I could share that would hurt her deeply, embarrass her in the community and possibly have her fired. I won't, but I could. So, I'm just saying, perhaps using some discretion is in order.

[wanting more]

The whole point of my post was when someone says tell all, make sure before you do that you actually have all.

 

Thinking that you do and wanting to out the AP to the world may not always be the thing to do. The consequences you want the AP to have may make you see something you weren't ready to accept.

 

This is only from my situation I'm talking about.

[So happy together]

Oh, so it's the fault of the betrayed spouse that the ow decided to get involved with a mm?

 

As for you singing like a bird, that would most likely be a double edged sword with the sharper edge directed at your neck, not hers.

 

Did I SAY it was her fault?????? No, I didn't. And she's a lot more to lose than I do. I can do my job anywhere, my clients don't know her, I don't have a boss. Especially if someone called HIS work... she'd lose that juicy paycheck she'll be getting in his divorce.

[wanting more]

I think sending that stuff to his kids and her family is way over the top and, quite honestly, despicable. It's one thing to send it to her to prove that he's a lying scum bag. Getting the kids involved? Down right disgusting.

 

And by the way. I did not send anything to her kids or family. But I'm pretty sure she wouldn't even imagine that he would've emailed and texted me from their sons phone when they were on a trip and he didn't have service on his, so he used his kids.

[wanting more]

Did I SAY it was her fault?????? No, I didn't. And she's a lot more to lose than I do. I can do my job anywhere, my clients don't know her, I don't have a boss. Especially if someone called HIS work... she'd lose that juicy paycheck she'll be getting in his divorce.

 

And that's it. I am not blaming his BW, I'm just saying if you're going to out the AP, make sure the AP can't out your WS.

[bentleychic]

And by the way. I did not send anything to her kids or family. But I'm pretty sure she wouldn't even imagine that he would've emailed and texted me from their sons phone when they were on a trip and he didn't have service on his, so he used his kids.

 

Oh thank goodness! LOL I was like okay, we have a bad enough name as OW as it is. LOL Let's not be doing that!

[ComingInHot]

These phrases just came to mind, they are neither for or against the AP/BS/WS, just something for all parties to consider:

 

You reap what you sow

What goes around come around

Repay in kind

what is done in the dark will eventually come into the light

Do unto others as you'd have done to you

Kaaaarrrrmmmaaa

 

Many times I consider the above before I decide to go ahead with something. It has saved my a$$ on many an occasion... LOL!!

 

That and I don't like hurting people cause that makes me look bad to myself. And I hate when I look bad*

[MissBee]

My situation.

 

xMM BW discovers A. He's gaslighted her so much. She believes him that I was the seducer. I forced myself on him. I made him have sex with me. He never sent dirty texts. He never sent dirty pics. We never went away together. He never said he loved me. And she believes him. So she outs me. She calls my BSO. she calls my boss. She calls my coworkers. She tells them all the same thing. I stalked him. I seduced him. I was the aggressor.

 

So in turn I send the dirty pics and videos he sent me to get, her kids, her family. I forward his voicemails of ILYs. I want to be with you. Im working on leaving my wife.

 

These are not my words of what he said, it's his voice. It's his dirty pics and videos.

 

Is it going to make me look innocent. Absolutely not. But it'll show what a liar he is. It'll show his family how he's continuing to lie to his BW that he supposedly loves. It'll show her he's not who she thinks he is.

 

So in trying to out me, she and her family and his new employer will see him in a different light, and it won't have the impact just on me she was going for.

 

Ohh okay, gotcha.

 

Whatever ruination that causes in his life is his fault though.

 

All bets were off for you and for her....and the chips will fall where they fall, but what remains is had there been no affair it wouldn't have been as issue of telling then reprisal telling. So the parties who chose the affair, whatever domino effect which comes as a result is their own doing, and unfortunately, while it is a triangular relationship, the drama and fall out often affects people besides just AP, BS and WS.

[MissBee]

I'm not denying this. There are things I could share that would hurt her deeply, embarrass her in the community and possibly have her fired. I won't, but I could. So, I'm just saying, perhaps using some discretion is in order.

 

Well everyone will weigh their own situation and what they have to lose in telling, although again, sometimes in the heat of the fall out, people react and don't get time to think through it. The BS in your case may have stuff you can out her about, but for other BSs here who have told, they didn't seem to suffer negative repercussions as they weren't engaged in anything the AP could have embarrassed them about.

[wanting more]

Oh thank goodness! LOL I was like okay, we have a bad enough name as OW as it is. LOL Let's not be doing that!

 

If you think OW have a bad name, don't try being a WS on this board.

[ComingInHot]

Wanting More, tis the truth. I seem to have much less empathy towards the WS.

It actually irks me that I'm like that. Maybe there is still some leftover anger that I have towards my H for defiling our M with his A...

I'll keep working at that one*

[wanting more]

Wanting More, tis the truth. I seem to have much less empathy towards the WS.

It actually irks me that I'm like that. Maybe there is still some leftover anger that I have towards my H for defiling our M with his A...

I'll keep working at that one*

 

I completely understand your feelings. As a BW/woman/mother I have great respect for you. I've posted here as the OW/MOW/WS and your replies I pay close attention to as you give great advice and even when being very honest and tough, never hateful or ugly.

[SidLyon]

I am hopeful that the OW told your WH's workplace since you contacted her employer. It only seems fair that both players in the game should pay, since you went after her livelihood.

 

You can bet your bippy that I would have, if I'd been in that situation.

 

You obviously don't have much idea what it's like to be a BW. There was no way I was voluntarily "playing any game"; that was what she and my H were doing.

 

I was unable to work immediately after d-day due to the trauma. I considered that she (the OW) had definitely gone after my livelihood, my life in fact, so it was only fair that I went after hers (to use your words). At that stage we were "even", so for her to go after my H's livelihood would be to continue the cycle. As it happens his employer wouldn't have cared.

 

However I accepted that it was entirely up to her whether she did or didn't approach my H's employers. I don't really know if she did as nobody ever said anything to him about it.

 

Some OW are disgusting in my view. They go all out to destroy the BW's life and livelihood, then when the BW reacts to this, they behave like you just said you would, and continue the abuse.

[rumbleseat]

Did I SAY it was her fault?????? No, I didn't. And she's a lot more to lose than I do. I can do my job anywhere, my clients don't know her, I don't have a boss. Especially if someone called HIS work... she'd lose that juicy paycheck she'll be getting in his divorce.

 

 

Is he the gentleman who is the minister? From what I understand, they don't exactly have " juicy pay checks".

 

As for your job, if she wanted to, she could likely make your life very unpleasant. You should count yourself lucky that she has enough dignity and grace ( or she's just plain embarrassed by her husbands behavior) to not have done so. That is, after all, a very valid and real risk one takes when they get involved in an affair. One can feel they have all the variables firmly under their control, but the cold hard reality is that they do not. The reaction of the bs is an unknown.

[v8crazy]

I know this seems over the top but when emotions are involved anything can happen. Just recently in my city an affair ended with a double murder- suicide. Some people can be driven over the edge.

[So happy together]

Is he the gentleman who is the minister? From what I understand, they don't exactly have " juicy pay checks".

 

As for your job, if she wanted to, she could likely make your life very unpleasant. You should count yourself lucky that she has enough dignity and grace ( or she's just plain embarrassed by her husbands behavior) to not have done so. That is, after all, a very valid and real risk one takes when they get involved in an affair. One can feel they have all the variables firmly under their control, but the cold hard reality is that they do not. The reaction of the bs is an unknown.

 

First of all, he holds a position in the church. It is a volunteer position. He runs a very successful business and does very well. So yes, she'll get a chunk of change.

 

And I wasn't much concerned about what she would try to do, She's usually too drunk to stand up straight and has no credibility.

[So happy together]

I know this seems over the top but when emotions are involved anything can happen. Just recently in my city an affair ended with a double murder- suicide. Some people can be driven over the edge.

 

Someone can also be killed walking out to the mailbox to get the mail.

[rumbleseat]

First of all, he holds a position in the church. It is a volunteer position. He runs a very successful business and does very well. So yes, she'll get a chunk of change.

 

And I wasn't much concerned about what she would try to do, She's usually too drunk to stand up straight and has no credibility.

 

Meow! What a catty thing to say!

 

If she is the drunk you say she is, then how would her outing him affect his business? Surely people would understand him needing to escape:rolleyes:

 

Could be he has a whole lot more to lose than she does.

[rumbleseat]

Someone can also be killed walking out to the mailbox to get the mail.

 

 

People can also be hurt and killed by jumping into the tub while holding on to a plugged in toaster. Probably not a good idea to expose yourself to that sort of risk.

[ForeverHopeful1]

Yes, good post. Also, I've never, ever understood why ANYONE thinks it's okay to mess with someone's job over an affair. Those don't help anyone, and frankly it's just revenge tactics. How can anyone justify having someone fired and have them lose their home, their children possibly go hungry? I would never reveal to anyone what I know about their marriage (except what I've said here where it's anonymous), and there is a lot to know. She certainly wouldn't want me to sing like a bird.

 

So.................... it is ok to mess with someones marriage, but not someones job? As you can see in my previous post, I am all about keeping your drama to yourself, but your comment bothers me. You can mess with marriage, but not someones job?!?!?! UGH! DO NOT BLAME THE BS. HAD THE WS ACTUALLY STAYED FAITHFUL (and the AP didn't meddle in their lives, and screw the WS,) THEY WOULDNT RUN THE RISK OF LOSING THEIR JOB, THEIR HOME, OR RISK STARVING THEIR OWN CHILDREN. You do stupid things, you own it and sometimes their are consequences when you upset people and ruin peoples lives. You are of the belief that you can do whatever you want and everyone has to shut up because it benefits you? It isn't up to you what the BS does with the information they now have. If they feel like telling the world, that is fine. You felt like banging her husband and ruining her marriage, but she cant go to bat too? Sometimes we go tit for tat in this world, and when you mess with peoples lives, they mess with yours right back. What a thought, eh? Don't blame the BS. It is exactly what youre doing in your post. Stop it.

Edited August 17, 2013 by ForeverHopeful1

[HopingAgain]

If you can't do the time, don't do the crime! That certainly applies to any consequences related to engaging in an affair. Its risky business if you get caught so don't do it if you can't handle having your ass handed to you!

[ForeverHopeful1]

First of all, he holds a position in the church. It is a volunteer position. He runs a very successful business and does very well. So yes, she'll get a chunk of change.

 

And I wasn't much concerned about what she would try to do, She's usually too drunk to stand up straight and has no credibility.

 

I thought you were in a LDR with him? Have you seen her this way? How do you honestly know any of this to be true?