If you would be/were "outed"

[So happy together]

Meow! What a catty thing to say!

 

If she is the drunk you say she is, then how would her outing him affect his business? Surely people would understand him needing to escape:rolleyes:

 

Could be he has a whole lot more to lose than she does.

 

Not catty, honest.

 

And with us, it's not a concern, his divorce is nearly final. But at the time it could have been a problem.

 

I don't think an AP should reveal anything about anyone. So, please don't get the impression I want to do anything to her at all. I just want her to move on, as we have. And I don't want to hear how I ruined her marriage. She ruined it long before I came along. Have a good evening.

[So happy together]

So.................... it is ok to mess with someones marriage, but not someones job? As you can see in my previous post, I am all about keeping your drama to yourself, but your comment bothers me. You can mess with marriage, but not someones job?!?!?! UGH! DO NOT BLAME THE BS. HAD THE WS ACTUALLY STAYED FAITHFUL (and the AP didn't meddle in their lives, and screw the WS,) THEY WOULDNT RUN THE RISK OF LOSING THEIR JOB, THEIR HOME, OR RISK STARVING THEIR OWN CHILDREN. You do stupid things, you own it and sometimes their are consequences when you upset people and ruin peoples lives. You are of the belief that you can do whatever you want and everyone has to shut up because it benefits you? It isn't up to you what the BS does with the information they now have. If they feel like telling the world, that is fine. You felt like banging her husband and ruining her marriage, but she cant go to bat too? Sometimes we go tit for tat in this world, and when you mess with peoples lives, they mess with yours right back. What a thought, eh? Don't blame the BS. It is exactly what youre doing in your post. Stop it.

 

Woo, I hit a nerve. Sorry about that. I didn't ruin her marriage. She did. And he did. And I don't regret our relationship, neither does he. It was the best thing that ever happened to us. We've found the person in one another that we want to spend the rest of our lives with. Do I wish we had begun dating after he'd left? Yes. But we didn't. Horse has left the barn. All we can do now is move forward with our lives, all of us. And yes, she can say as she likes. I just said, if BS wants to open the door, then let it be WIDE open, and if AP wants to open the door, they need to be prepared for the sh*tstorm that could possibly ensue.

[So happy together]

I thought you were in a LDR with him? Have you seen her this way? How do you honestly know any of this to be true?

 

I'm not even going to answer this. I already have in so many other threads it's ridiculous.

[rumbleseat]

Not catty, honest.

 

And with us, it's not a concern, his divorce is nearly final. But at the time it could have been a problem.

 

I don't think an AP should reveal anything about anyone. So, please don't get the impression I want to do anything to her at all. I just want her to move on, as we have. And I don't want to hear how I ruined her marriage. She ruined it long before I came along. Have a good evening.

 

 

It's pretty hard not to get that impression. You take passive aggressive swipes at her any chance you get. You bring up her foibles even when they are irrelevant to the topic.

 

You don't live anywhere near each other, so if she wanted to tell everyone in her circle, it would surely harm you more than her. You are not there to defend yourself, and any protestations he makes about why his affair is somehow justified will likely ring very hollow. At some point, if you and married man do get together, they will have formed an impression of you based on whatever information they have. If it's that you were involved with her husband while he was still married, that is one piece of information they will use.

 

She will always know this, her daughter will always know this, and any friends, family that she chooses to tell will know it. Even if you try to conter with your tale of her being a a hopeless, raving drunk, that will not change. Especially if he comes from a comunity where christian religious values are considered important. One of the ten commandments concerns adultery, which he has committed with you.

 

You may not like this, it may upset you, but it is the reality. The aftermath of an affair , should it become a full time "public" relationship maybe very different form the fantasy one that seems so common.

 

If she chooses to out the two of you, as is her right and prerogative, you may find that the people in his life who he values and who shares his views don't exactly welcome you with open arms.

[waterwoman]

I said not a dicky bird to anyone when I found out. Why? Because I was humiliated and hurt - why would I want to advertise that? And as H was OW' s direct superior it might hurt his job. I told a very few close friends as I needed support. Sadly one of her friends was spreading rumours everywhere at work and I got to hear them as a damage-control exercise by H. I investigated hence d-day. Even now 20 months later I still hear from people who 'heard something' at the time. I hate it, it makes me feel all the same things I did on d-day. As far as I am concerned the fewer who knew the better. If the a had continued maybe it would have been different but thankfully it didn't.

[JustJoe]

My situation.

 

xMM BW discovers A. He's gaslighted her so much. She believes him that I was the seducer. I forced myself on him. I made him have sex with me. He never sent dirty texts. He never sent dirty pics. We never went away together. He never said he loved me. And she believes him. So she outs me. She calls my BSO. she calls my boss. She calls my coworkers. She tells them all the same thing. I stalked him. I seduced him. I was the aggressor.

 

So in turn I send the dirty pics and videos he sent me to get, her kids, her family. I forward his voicemails of ILYs. I want to be with you. Im working on leaving my wife.

 

These are not my words of what he said, it's his voice. It's his dirty pics and videos.

 

Is it going to make me look innocent. Absolutely not. But it'll show what a liar he is. It'll show his family how he's continuing to lie to his BW that he supposedly loves. It'll show her he's not who she thinks he is.

 

So in trying to out me, she and her family and his new employer will see him in a different light, and it won't have the impact just on me she was going for.

So you are doing the same thing that you spoke against, aren't you? You are outing your AP for the liar , he is. That's OK but what consequences do you expect him to face now? I have to say that your posts reflect very little credit on you, either. It appears that you picked a pretty sad individual to have an affair with, so what does that say about you? It isn't what others think that matters is it? It's what you think of your less than honest behavior. Perhaps your friends and family are more forgiving than others, if so you are lucky. But you also need to be reminded of a couple of things. 1. That this is going to be something you will have to live with, and most likely any future person you become involved with, will find out or be told about it. 2. What do your friends, co-workers and family think of and talk about you , when you're not there? The consequences exist, even if you are not aware of them. A good lesson to learn.

[Rose Auxerrois]

I am trying to understand:

 

I guess I would need a specific situation spelled out as without one it is too many variables. But let's say WS and AP work for the same place and the A is outed there, or even if not, let's say the BS just outs the AP at their job, I suppose those who chose to do this did it for a specific reason where they felt it would matter, as otherwise I cannot imagine how calling a job and saying "Your employee Janet was having an affair with a MM" would make a difference to most employers, unless it was a religious organization or something like that.

 

But let's just say BS tells everyone....

 

I don't really understand how the AP would retaliate. That is, unless the BS has committed some criminal acts or something that they have to go dig up and find, what are they gonna tell people about the BS? "She wasn't having sex with her husband" "She drinks a lot" I mean...I don't know what they could tell that would matter. And if you have been outed as the AP...when you come back to sing your songs, I think by then it will be very easy for people to dismiss you as angry you were outed so are just making up stuff and people will only be in for so much drama. I think the drama threshold may stop at hearing about the affair...but for the AP to show up saying "But listen to what I know about the BS" lol...I think people will be like yeah right...why should I? As by then your credibility has been decreased if you were outed first.

 

Some times telling everyone auto destructs on the betrayed. In another Faculty there was Dean had affair with colleague. Dean wife work in another department and make big deal about affair. She behave badly to affair colleague and wife lose job.

[Got it]

It's pretty hard not to get that impression. You take passive aggressive swipes at her any chance you get. You bring up her foibles even when they are irrelevant to the topic.

 

You don't live anywhere near each other, so if she wanted to tell everyone in her circle, it would surely harm you more than her. You are not there to defend yourself, and any protestations he makes about why his affair is somehow justified will likely ring very hollow. At some point, if you and married man do get together, they will have formed an impression of you based on whatever information they have. If it's that you were involved with her husband while he was still married, that is one piece of information they will use.

 

She will always know this, her daughter will always know this, and any friends, family that she chooses to tell will know it. Even if you try to conter with your tale of her being a a hopeless, raving drunk, that will not change. Especially if he comes from a comunity where christian religious values are considered important. One of the ten commandments concerns adultery, which he has committed with you.

 

You may not like this, it may upset you, but it is the reality. The aftermath of an affair , should it become a full time "public" relationship maybe very different form the fantasy one that seems so common.

 

If she chooses to out the two of you, as is her right and prerogative, you may find that the people in his life who he values and who shares his views don't exactly welcome you with open arms.

 

Hmmm, seems like the pot is quickly calling the kettle black. Seems like a new poster whom knows a LOT about posters here. I guess you have been doing a lot of studying, hmm grasshopper?

 

Speaking as someone that actually has lived the above, unlike I am sure you and others who only opine on it, it isn't the doom and gloom that one likes to sermonize.

 

Like others have stated, Karma, reaping what one sows, etc do come into play so the BS doesn't always get the support they think they will. Sometimes the foundation is laid that sympathy is not always freely given.

 

With all actions from all parties, don't extend more than you are willing to risk. So making sure that they best defense is a good offense and you have put together a contingency plan. Because yes "outing" is a possibility. But I can speak that it isn't this Scarlet letter that so many like to tout.

 

But keep fear mongering, it makes amusing reading.

[anne1707]

There was no "outing" of my affair after dday. My H is a very private person and it would have been very out of character for him to tell people about personal problems. He is not close to his family so would not have turned to them for support either - he also thinks they are very narrow minded and judgemental (he's right in this IMO) and they could have made life more difficult for us as we chose to reconcile.

 

As for "outing" to work. Well both the exOM and I work together so that could have been a major blow-up if that had happened. But it didn't happen and I also really do fail to see why affairs should be outed at work. What exactly is that supposed to achieve? Is the employer going to fire one or both people? If work performance has not been affected than the affair has nothing to do with work. To fire someone because they had an affair would be unfair dismissal and a legal minefield. And if the APs work in different companies then that is even more baffling to me for the "outing".

 

It does sometime strike me that the "outing" is about public humiliation & punishment and not about having friends & family to support you. To me it should be about the latter, not the former.

[Got it]

Yes, I agree. If I have to shame someone into being with me and/or doing what they are supposed to do then I really don't want them anyway.

 

In my situation the "shaming" happened months and months after the end of the affair and after separation and the beginning of the divorce. It was about making him lose me then actually about gaining support for herself. It was simple ego where she did not want him with me since he cheated on her with me.

[ComingInHot]

Got it, you actually made a good point. "Don't risk more than your willing to lose" Safe to say that goes for all A parties.

 

Consider this all, wouldn't there be or aren't there moments during an A and After when all three parties feel tbey have nothing left to lose?

WS risks it All by his cheating lying and gaslighting. Or he risks it all by "outing" A himself.

OW/OM risks everything during or after A by outing, then continuing to "out" to those informed of A in "self defense".

BS risks it all by outing the A to "All who will listen" or even to those close to her/him. Word of A's travel fast...

[Goodbye]

Did I SAY it was her fault?????? No, I didn't. And she's a lot more to lose than I do. I can do my job anywhere, my clients don't know her, I don't have a boss. Especially if someone called HIS work... she'd lose that juicy paycheck she'll be getting in his divorce.

 

 

 

Its not a "paycheck"...it is division of the MARITAL estate. And yes, even women who become alcoholics during a marriage are entitled to equitable distribution.

[ComingInHot]

Got it, question (w/disclaimer*):

Have you thought about what You would do if your exMM now H were to cheat on you?

 

disclaimer- I HOPE this NEVER EVER happens!! I sincerely wish you & your H have found love everlasting and work through the "dry/stale"periods and weather all storms Together!!

 

Yet, if he did... Would you stay silent? Tell just a few for support? Scream it from the mega-phone because after all, he should KNOW better and "pay" for it this time around?

 

I ask you because you seem pretty level headed*

[Goodbye]

I think outing the AP to the world is a crime as big as the A itself. To purposefully go on a rampage to ruin somebody (especially their livelihood, if they have children to feed) is an impulse as bad as wanting to lie-by-omission for a few months because you're in love with someone else. In fact, I think it comes from a darker place. It has more "teeth" in it, and it's sore-loser behavior at best. Pathetic and desperate (not saying that stealing another person's man to get your needs met isn't pathetic and desperate, just saying this matches it.) An eye-for an eye is great if you want to live in Singapore and Saudi Arabia.

 

It is also telling, when an MM doesn't prevent this (he could, you know, by threatening to leave, saying he's in love with you, etc.) This is "being thrown under the bus," and it's the reason I ended my A. I ended my A more for fear of this consequence (because we do live, in sexual mores terms, in a kind of Saudi-Arabia of Monogamy) than out of the goodness of my heart.

 

This is all that Harley person's fault. He is a fad pop psychologist, capitalizing on perhaps the most vulnerable people ever to reach out to the self-help community: betrayed wives. He offers a promise of healing and reconciliation to a group of people whose love is already ruined. He offers up a Hysteria of Hope, which is addicting and is getting gobbled up by the hungry, blood-lusty, vengeful masses. And he prescribes things that are purely about making his consumer base happy and lining his pockets. Lynching the OW is one of those intoxicating things.

 

For centuries, Mistresses were dealt with in a variety of ways. But in the modern world, by the time we reached the sexual revolution, it was pretty much supposed to mean "ok everybody, no more stoning of loose women in the public square!" He has rolled back that very evolved mentality, much to the satisfaction of a bunch of bitter, vulnerable women.

 

OW NEVER pursue MM. 99.9999999% of the time, he pursued her, craftily, arduously. She gave in. Yet the OW is treated like the "intruder" who must be chased away and humiliated and destroyed.

 

Dr. Harley and the whole marriage builders concept is scary, and can actually be dangerous. I could write a book on this topic, but I'm thumb tying from my phone, so I will refrain.

[ComingInHot]

Rev Road,

I've heard talk of this Harley author Nd an Emily as well but never read anything by them so I can neither refute nod support your objective or subjective opinion of the work/s.

 

I'd like to interject though on your writing that the M cannot be R'd. I am an R'd BW w/fWH. There were cracks in the waterford crystal (that is our marriage). My H broke it when he cheated. The love we had was still there just now it was in pieces. He desired to fix the crystal (our M) & after a period of time that I needed, I agreed. There are scars now, in our marriage, much like the flaws in a repaired waterford crystal piece. But unlike before when the cracks weakened the crystal form making it fragile and hard to handle out of fear of damaging it further, our Marriage is stronger than it ever was and for now has no leaks.

My H & I care for our M more and are always on the lookout for the breaks reopening or new cracks forming, and the cool thing is, the more we use our m, just like the more we use our crystal the stronger if becomes.

I understand from your comment that you are STRONGLY against "outing" any A to Anyone. I will not contest your feelings are wrong. For the sake of both perspectives, I'd like you to consider that aside from Vengeance, outing the A CAN obtain the desired affect foe either the BS or the AP.

Outing can sometimes shake the WS out of this "dense A fog" putting and end to the excitement and fantasy OR it can shake the WS into realizing he is not where he wants to be with & in his M, by therefore ending it to be w/OW outside the context of the A (which is what I believe most OW's would like)

 

Rev.Road, I sense this is a sore spot for you. I surmise You are a WS??

If so, please understand, I too have sensitive areas. One being the WS getting their panties in a bunch about the unfairness or ludacy (sp?) of the BS doing what she feels she needs to do after such a betrayal as an A.

all my best!

CIH*

[anne1707]

Psssttt...if you are having an affair at work, your co workers already know even if they never mention it, they know, and they think you are a crappy person for it. They may never say anything to you directly, but they talk about it and about you.

 

I am not so stupid to think my colleagues never suspected anything. The exOM was though. As for whether people think I am a "crappy person", well I hate to let you down but I know I am respected and liked at work.

 

And in fact it still means that outing at work does not achieve anything.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I find it interesting when people want to hold others to standards they don't hold themselves to.

 

When you hurt another person, you do not have any say as to how they should react.

 

We can only control ourselves, and when we hurt another person, the only person that we should be holding to any type of flame...is ourselves.

[wanting more]

I find it interesting when people want to hold others to standards they don't hold themselves to.

 

When you hurt another person, you do not have any say as to how they should react.

 

We can only control ourselves, and when we hurt another person, the only person that we should be holding to any type of flame...is ourselves.

 

Im not trying to say don't tell. Obviously you can tell who you want. As I said, my BSO told our families and some of his friends. I know xMM BW told one of their kids.

 

My story is that had she (BW) decided to call my job and tell what kind of person she thought I was, what part I had played in the A, I could've called his (xMM) job and sent many details of who I know he is. And these things are info she had but refused to believe about him.

 

My situation never came to that. I told my employer. She (BW) never called anyone I knew.

[2sure]

We've all read many times that part of the procedure after DDay is outing the affair. I've advised it myself, although I didn't do it in the case of my now XH.

 

Its definitely something that has to be considered on a case by case basis. And for a BS that doesn't want to follow the procedure there are very real and good reasons why they choose not to. For those that do out the affair , there are also very good reasons other than "punishment" and spite.

 

Because my own and my WS careers were intertwined, it was not in MY best interest to out him. He was a serial cheater, without emotional ties to OW, had a problem he definitely needed and probably still needs help with. I wanted and tried to help him before leaving. A huge thing would have been for HIM to have direct consequences from his behavior. His image was very important to him personally and professionally ...I think if anything was going to make him stop, it would have to be having personal consequences.

 

So, it IS an effective tool. Just because a BS does this, doesn't mean it's for spite.

 

I also was very very angry about his basically inviting strangers into what I thought was my private life, my personal safe place. It actually felt physically violating. For anyone who hasn't dealt with being A BS, it honestly is one of those things that's hard to Imagine. It felt like an assault. So, I certainly did feel completely comfortable about some bad behavior I exhibited. It happens, it's the risk taken. As it happens, I did out one of his OW to her employer , and she did have consequences. But I didn't do it because she banged my husband, he was banging lots of OW. She played the crazy card and I picked it up and gave it back.

 

Also, im pretty private other than here! I was humiliated by husbands behavior, I didn't want my pain exposed. So that prevented me as well. On the other hand, I can absolutely know from my experiences with others that outing the affair takes the secret away, takes the power of the secret away. Its a tool that works for some.

 

I think telling the other BS, is a humane but very difficult thing to do. I did it with a few I was able to tell, it's one of the things I don't regret. And again on the other hand! Years ago I was OW and to this day I don't think I would ever have told his wife under any circumstances. Of course, I didn't know then what I know now.

[anne1707]

Oh dear, I am sure you are liked and possibly respected for your work, but you know how it is...we think, she is a nice person but she yells at her kids, or he is a good worker but he has no sense of humor- and right there at the top of this list, sadly especially for women- she is a good worker, but she had an affair with X -you are damaged, less than and in the eyes of the men easy-its just the way it is, we all judge, we all have things we are judged upon -sadly for women, being in an affair is among the worst things you can do-other women scorn you, men think you are easy-

 

Good job then that your low, highly judgemental and wrong opinion of me does not matter to me. I answer to my husband not you.

[road]

There was no "outing" of my affair after dday. My H is a very private person and it would have been very out of character for him to tell people about personal problems. He is not close to his family so would not have turned to them for support either - he also thinks they are very narrow minded and judgemental (he's right in this IMO) and they could have made life more difficult for us as we chose to reconcile.

 

As for "outing" to work. Well both the exOM and I work together so that could have been a major blow-up if that had happened. But it didn't happen and I also really do fail to see why affairs should be outed at work. What exactly is that supposed to achieve? Is the employer going to fire one or both people? If work performance has not been affected than the affair has nothing to do with work. To fire someone because they had an affair would be unfair dismissal and a legal minefield. And if the APs work in different companies then that is even more baffling to me for the "outing".

 

It does sometime strike me that the "outing" is about public humiliation & punishment and not about having friends & family to support you. To me it should be about the latter, not the former.

 

 

Known basic fact about affair's is that without NC the affair usually restarts. If not in days, then weeks, then months, even after years. This is why the AP's can not longer work for the same business after dday.

 

Does not matter quit or fired as long as NC is in place.

[anne1707]

You are making assumptions on how my colleagues view me. Seeing as I work with them day in day out, I think I know them better than you do. I am perfectly confident that they do not have the opinion you think they do.

[anne1707]

Known basic fact about affair's is that without NC the affair usually restarts. If not in days, then weeks, then months, even after years. This is why the AP's can not longer work for the same business after dday.

 

Does not matter quit or fired as long as NC is in place.

 

Maybe in some cases but not mine. Five years since dday and no restart of the affair. I still don't see why someone should be fired for an affair (unless work performance suffered)

[Pastypop]

For the most part, I got off scot-free. I did have a few a problems however. A guy who worked at my gym was a waiter at a restaurant we were at and figured it out. He told everyone at the gym. After a couple of months of that I complained to the corporate headquarters about his harassment and apparently got him fired. At work a co-worker overheard me talking on the phone but, she didn't know who I was. A couple of years later after all was over, I had an interview with her and I'm pretty sure she started running her mouth after that because I was a popular employee and was always getting invited out to party after but after that interview it ceased and I get treated differently now. Even my office is horrible and isolating now. I used to know all the gossip and now not so much. However, my bosses' wife was married to someone else when they hooked up so I'm not too worried about losing my job and that happened server all years ago. In my personal life, two years prior to my thing, my inlaws and his buddies were convinced I was stepping out when I wasn't doing anything. It caused a greater rift in the marriage and wasn't even true. Actually think that had a huge part in causing me to find friendship elsewhere. When it was actually going on, they had no idea as my phone account, credit cards, computer and car are all separate of my spouse. Nothing could ever be proved without a court order. My friend had a DDay but, we were long distance and he convinced her somehow that it was only a month and it was a friendship that got out of control(whatever that means). However, she tried to contact me six months prior but couldn't reach me to prove otherwise, so when he was handing her his line of ****, she had to know he was lying. Never heard from her and I have since changed my phone number a couple of times. As far as the inlaws goes, they hated me from the time they met me, so ended up turning all that stuff back on them and now we don't have much to do with them anymore. Every time she makes a rude, hurtful comments I point it out to my husband to broaden the rift like she tried to do to me. So all and all, I didn't come out of this too bad. All the rumors have stopped because I gained a bunch of weight, don't wear makeup and talk about kids all the time. Men no longer find me attractive. Also, I never gave the MM my employer name, home address or anything that his spouse could use for her revenge. When one chooses that lifestyle it is always best to think about yourself first.

[Robert]

on topic and not insulting posts please or the thread will be closed, if you are having trouble understanding what the topic is then please read the first post in this thread, while many of the last posts are on topic the past few pages are full of off topic pokes.

 

thanks

Edited August 17, 2013 by Robert