Best friend passed away, his wife & me question/problem?

[nitram100]

Hi, i wasnt sure where to put this thread but i need some adivce please. I am 21, my best freind of 15 years, he was like my brother died of cancer at the age of 21 after a 6 year fight. Now the problem, he got married to his girlfriend of 2.5 yrs 6 weeks before his passing. I would talk to her before his passing but we were never that close, but since my friends passing, me and my brother who was also best mates with him have gotten close to his wife, as mates, she lives at his house, where his family live who are like a second family to me. well we went out the other night, the lot of us, i went to look after her and make sure no one tried anything with her, i had to hit one guy and she saw this, anyways, at the end of the night she asked if she could kiss me? and if i didnt have a girlfriend would i kiss her? i told her to just forget she said that and we agreed it was because i remind her of my friend. But then she started saying weird stuff like my friend would like it if she ended up with me. I was so taken back by this, so messed up, ive heard this is common for this kind of thing to happen? its been left at we need to talk about it... anyone offer any advice?

 

martin

 

thanks

[Merin]

How recently did your friend pass away? It really isn't uncommon for a person who's lost someone so close to seek "closeness" with someone else...

 

Again, I wonder how recently your friend passed away... as IMO it would make a difference in regards to IF you should consider a "relationship" with his widow...

[nitram100]

hi thanks for the reply, my best friend passed away just over a month ago.

[JoL]

it sounds to me like this girl is hurting, confused and still grieving.

I think the grieving process (i cant say i know from experience, thank god) would take a lot longer than a month.

It sounds like she just needs to be comforted in this time of hardship. Offer her your unwavering friendship and as a shoulder to cry on. But restrain from getting involved with her romantically, as it seems like you are a reminder of her late husband, it seems like she is trying to replace him and would probably end up more distressed if you were to become romantically invovled- plus, its not a healthy situation for you to be in at this stage.

 

of course, if months down the track or years (whatever) you and her decide to give it a shot, maybe it might work..

[nitram100]

Cheers for the reples, ill just try be and there as a friend as much as i can. A romantic relationship would be totally out of the question on ym half, i just couldnt do that, it almost makes me feel ill thinking about it, i could never do that to my late friend.

 

thanks again for the replies

 

martin

[melnmojave]

you said he had long fight with cancer - i think that while losing someone is never easy, she may have had more time to deal with her loss of her husband. i think the grief process started very early for her as death was already on the radar screen unlike when it is completely unexpected. people grieve differently. i dont think your friend would want her to be celebet for the rest of her life. he probably loved her and would want her to be happy no matter what form that happiness came and whether it inckuded his pal or a complete stranger. as long as there wasn't inappropriate behavior before his passing i dont see anything wrong with dating a friend. I dont think it is okay to impose stereotypical standards to grieving people - we all handle it differently. if she is ready for another relationship then so be it............that doesn't make her immoral. it makes her human.

[neptoon]

i don't think it makes her immoral, either -- but I think that her doing this is a part of the grieving process. I've had my share of grieving and it can take years to bounce back. She's going through denial right now -- and trying to keep her late husband alive through closer ties with his friends and family. It must hurt like crazy for her. I've never gone through the death of a SO. I imagine it's one of the greatest hurts a person can experience.

 

Becoming romantically involved with her at this point would prevent her from moving on. Psychologically, she would be holding onto his memory through you. Besides, you have a gf now, I think you mentioned. Don't do this to yourself. You may be grieving too and trying to hold onto his memory through her. Judgement during the first phase of grieving is always severely impaired -- don't make any rash decisions at this point. Wait until things settle and everyone has had a chance to re-evaluate what they have in their own lives.