Why is it that only "female" friends cause jealousy?

[Summerslam]

Whenever I go out with my guy friends, my GF leaves me alone, & I get a decent night out. But whenever I'm out with my female friend, she calls me every once in a while, & obsessively asks me about every single detail, so what exactly is the difference except for the fact that my female friend has a vagina & my guy friends have penises?

 

I chose to pretend that I'm not noticing her jealousy, if she wants to be serious, she should just tell me she's jealous, but frankly, I'm getting tired of her obsessive phone calls (in which she asks me trivial questions that can wait until later), & I'm starting to think that I should just go ahead & talk to her, but I'm still not sure it would make any difference, since I'm not gonna give up my friendships for no real reason. She is also too good looking & successful to be insecure.

 

What do you think I should do? talk to her or wait until she starts talking?

 

We're both 24, been together for a little over a year, if that info helps.

[Philosoraptor]

Have you given her any reason to worry? If not, this is her issue and you need to talk to her about it. If you are uncomfortable with her behavior let her know. Tell her you have no intention on betraying her trust nor do you have any interest in your female friends.

 

Try to figure out where her worry stems from and do your best to work together to alleviate this stress.

[blueskyday]

What's up with you hanging out with girl friends without her? Invite her along.

[Maleficent]

Perhaps she doesn't worry you will cheat on her with your guy friends?

[Fondue]

Perhaps she doesn't worry you will cheat on her with your guy friends?

 

She doesn't trust him. That's the major issue. They've been together for a year+, you'd think that wouldn't be a problem at this point.

[PlumPrincess]

Whenever I go out with my guy friends, my GF leaves me alone, & I get a decent night out. But whenever I'm out with my female friend, she calls me every once in a while, & obsessively asks me about every single detail, so what exactly is the difference except for the fact that my female friend has a vagina & my guy friends have penises?

 

I chose to pretend that I'm not noticing her jealousy, if she wants to be serious, she should just tell me she's jealous, but frankly, I'm getting tired of her obsessive phone calls (in which she asks me trivial questions that can wait until later), & I'm starting to think that I should just go ahead & talk to her, but I'm still not sure it would make any difference, since I'm not gonna give up my friendships for no real reason. She is also too good looking & successful to be insecure.

 

What do you think I should do? talk to her or wait until she starts talking?

 

We're both 24, been together for a little over a year, if that info helps.

I guess, she doesn't assume you're gay and therefore your male friends are "safe" friends. Isn't that obvious???

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Whenever I go out with my guy friends, my GF leaves me alone, & I get a decent night out. But whenever I'm out with my female friend, she calls me every once in a while, & obsessively asks me about every single detail, so what exactly is the difference except for the fact that my female friend has a vagina & my guy friends have penises?

 

I chose to pretend that I'm not noticing her jealousy, if she wants to be serious, she should just tell me she's jealous, but frankly, I'm getting tired of her obsessive phone calls (in which she asks me trivial questions that can wait until later), & I'm starting to think that I should just go ahead & talk to her, but I'm still not sure it would make any difference, since I'm not gonna give up my friendships for no real reason. She is also too good looking & successful to be insecure.

 

What do you think I should do? talk to her or wait until she starts talking?

 

We're both 24, been together for a little over a year, if that info helps.

 

Going by JUST what you say here...I warrant she feels insecure with this particular friend. Specifically.

 

So why?

 

Is this someone you once dated, slept with, FWB, wanted to but didn't?

Is the relationship flirty on either one or both of your sides?

Does your girlfriend have a relationship with your female friend? Is it cordial?

Is she single?

 

When you hang out with her it sounds like it is just the two of you. True?

 

Who much time are you spending with the female friend? An evening once every 6 months, twice a month? Once a week? Are you doing things with the friend that your girlfriend wishes you would do with her.

 

I can't believe you don't understand the calling...she is checking to see if you guys are being intimate when you are together. Checking to see if you will answer the phone and be able to discuss trivial things.

 

Turn this around...your girl meets a guy and hangs out with him alone, same amount of time, same level of flirtation, same sexual background. You cool? Or would you have doubts?

 

This IS in fact a pivotable issue in whether your relationship can last. You willing to do what she needs to feel better? Or are your friendships more important than your relationship....

 

If you give more details, more specific advice can be provided.

[Summerslam]

Going by JUST what you say here...I warrant she feels insecure with this particular friend. Specifically.

 

So why?

 

Is this someone you once dated, slept with, FWB, wanted to but didn't?

Is the relationship flirty on either one or both of your sides?

Does your girlfriend have a relationship with your female friend? Is it cordial?

Is she single?

 

We did sleep together years ago but it was a mistake & my GF doesn't even know about it, we decided that our past should be our past & never asked each other about past relationships

We never flirt with each other, they don't have a relationship beyond acquaintances, & yes she's single.

 

When you hang out with her it sounds like it is just the two of you. True?

 

True

 

Who much time are you spending with the female friend? An evening once every 6 months, twice a month? Once a week? Are you doing things with the friend that your girlfriend wishes you would do with her.

 

maybe once to twice a week, & we don't really do anything normal friends wouldn't do, dinner, movies, or just hang out in her place or my place.

 

I can't believe you don't understand the calling...she is checking to see if you guys are being intimate when you are together. Checking to see if you will answer the phone and be able to discuss trivial things.

 

I do understand the phone calls, but if she feels jealous or threatened, she should talk to me instead of calling me to ask about my favorite shoes when she knows I'm out.

 

Turn this around...your girl meets a guy and hangs out with him alone, same amount of time, same level of flirtation, same sexual background. You cool? Or would you have doubts?

 

I have no problem with her having male friends, she just chose not to have them, even if its someone she slept with in the past, despite the fact that she doesn't even know we've slept together years ago which makes her checking up on me make less sense.

 

This IS in fact a pivotable issue in whether your relationship can last. You willing to do what she needs to feel better? Or are your friendships more important than your relationship....

 

If you give more details, more specific advice can be provided.

 

Good point, but would a woman that loves someone request that he ends a friendship based on trust issues?

[Summerslam]

What's up with you hanging out with girl friends without her? Invite her along.

 

She tagged along a few times, but she was uncomfortable & very quiet which is unlike her, so I decided not to invite her to come with us anymore.

[Els]

So... you hang out one on one with a female friend whom you've slept with before, 1-2 times every week, and you don't invite your gf to come along.

 

And you wonder what the problem is.

 

Has it ever occurred to you that most people would consider your behaviour inappropriate?

[PlumPrincess]

We did sleep together years ago but it was a mistake & my GF doesn't even know about it, we decided that our past should be our past & never asked each other about past relationships

We never flirt with each other, they don't have a relationship beyond acquaintances, & yes she's single.

 

 

 

True

 

 

 

maybe once to twice a week, & we don't really do anything normal friends wouldn't do, dinner, movies, or just hang out in her place or my place.

 

 

 

I do understand the phone calls, but if she feels jealous or threatened, she should talk to me instead of calling me to ask about my favorite shoes when she knows I'm out.

 

 

 

I have no problem with her having male friends, she just chose not to have them, even if its someone she slept with in the past, despite the fact that she doesn't even know we've slept together years ago which makes her checking up on me make less sense.

 

 

 

Good point, but would a woman that loves someone request that he ends a friendship based on trust issues?

Your girlfriend might be way more perceptive than you think, seriously. She might have gotten this vibe from your friend that she is interested in you while you might still be clueless. Ask your girlfriend if she is jealous and if she has any specific reasons for that.

[Maleficent]

From what I've read...

 

You are going on movie dates or are hanging out with this single girl once or twice a week?

 

I wouldn't like it either. It has nothing to do with trust issues.

What you are doing is slightly shady.

 

You can clearly tell it bothers her. Why are you just sitting back assuming she'll tell you something about it?

 

Cause you know what Dr House says! Assuming makes an ass out of you and....well just you actually.

[Els]

From what I've read...

 

You are going on movie dates or are hanging out with this single girl once or twice a week?

 

I wouldn't like it either. It has nothing to do with trust issues.

What you are doing is slightly shady.

 

He even said that they were hanging out at each others' places, not just movies.

 

I'm starting to think he lives under a bridge, because nobody can be THIS obtuse....

[Emilia]

We did sleep together years ago but it was a mistake & my GF doesn't even know about it, we decided that our past should be our past & never asked each other about past relationships

We never flirt with each other, they don't have a relationship beyond acquaintances, & yes she's single.

Not telling your girlfriend that she is an ex makes you a liar.

She tagged along a few times, but she was uncomfortable & very quiet which is unlike her, so I decided not to invite her to come with us anymore.

She has picked up on the ex bit.

So... you hang out one on one with a female friend whom you've slept with before, 1-2 times every week, and you don't invite your gf to come along.

 

And you wonder what the problem is.

 

Has it ever occurred to you that most people would consider your behaviour inappropriate?

 

He even said that they were hanging out at each others' places, not just movies.

 

I'm starting to think he lives under a bridge, because nobody can be THIS obtuse....

Quite. You are very lucky you still have your girlfriend OP, I would have dumped you ages ago.

[xxoo]

Good point, but would a woman that loves someone request that he ends a friendship based on trust issues?

 

A woman that loves someone will request reasonable boundaries with friends of the opposite sex.

 

It is your responsibility to foster a friendship between your girlfriend and your female friend, so that she can be a friend of the couple. Why don't they know each other better after a year of being your girlfriend?

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Yep so basically

 

1. Your girlfriend picked up on the sexual, prior relationship and or the possession (he was mine first) vibes, we girls give off, it's like a dog call, silent to men. She knows. And she doesn't like it.

 

2. You basically are dating the other girl, 2-3 times a week. You are.

 

3. The time and investment in that other girl is an emotional investment you are not making in your relationship with your girlfriend. You are keeping that from her.

 

4. It is very shady. The fact that you think it's her jealousy that is the issue shocks me. You clearly spend more time with the friend than with your supposed girlfriend. Clearly you are getting your emotional needs met with the friend. It's not like you are hanging out for work or a hobby you are DATING.

 

I am not sure why you keep the girlfriend just for sex? Assuming you work, you spend half your free time with one single girl.

 

You need to seriously think about what you are doing. It is cruel, basically cheating (look up emotional affairs). One drunken night from sex. And preventing you and your current girlfriend from ever developing a close relationship.

 

You are in the wrong here, no question. If your girlfriend were writing this to us we would be telling her to run for the hills, you are a bad investment, and that you are definitely cheating and that she should go find someone who is prepared to invest in building a monogamous relationship withy her. Being second best to your "friend" is what she is. And you just think she's immature and jealous.

 

I would dig deep if I were you because it sounds like this friend is more important than your girlfriend and if that s the case, cut her loose. It's the kindest thing you can do.

[Els]

 

Quite. You are very lucky you still have your girlfriend OP, I would have dumped you ages ago.

 

Pretty much. In the OP's supposed 'girlfriend's place (if she exists ), I wouldn't be calling him obsessively... I actually wouldn't be calling him at all. Or answering.

[Summerslam]

Your girlfriend might be way more perceptive than you think, seriously. She might have gotten this vibe from your friend that she is interested in you while you might still be clueless. Ask your girlfriend if she is jealous and if she has any specific reasons for that.

 

But she's not interested in me, as I've already said it was a very long time ago & she's not my ex, it just happened one night & we decided to bury it.

 

He even said that they were hanging out at each others' places, not just movies.

 

I'm starting to think he lives under a bridge, because nobody can be THIS obtuse....

 

& its a big deal because? she was my roommate in college & the women I dated back then didn't mind.

 

Not telling your girlfriend that she is an ex makes you a liar.

 

She has picked up on the ex bit.

 

 

 

Quite. You are very lucky you still have your girlfriend OP, I would have dumped you ages ago.

 

She is not an ex, we had sex once years ago & we want to bury it, & I'm not lying to her about it because we agreed that our past should stay in the past, it was a mutual decision.

 

Yep so basically

 

1. Your girlfriend picked up on the sexual, prior relationship and or the possession (he was mine first) vibes, we girls give off, it's like a dog call, silent to men. She knows. And she doesn't like it.

 

2. You basically are dating the other girl, 2-3 times a week. You are.

 

3. The time and investment in that other girl is an emotional investment you are not making in your relationship with your girlfriend. You are keeping that from her.

 

4. It is very shady. The fact that you think it's her jealousy that is the issue shocks me. You clearly spend more time with the friend than with your supposed girlfriend. Clearly you are getting your emotional needs met with the friend. It's not like you are hanging out for work or a hobby you are DATING.

 

I am not sure why you keep the girlfriend just for sex? Assuming you work, you spend half your free time with one single girl.

 

You need to seriously think about what you are doing. It is cruel, basically cheating (look up emotional affairs). One drunken night from sex. And preventing you and your current girlfriend from ever developing a close relationship.

 

You are in the wrong here, no question. If your girlfriend were writing this to us we would be telling her to run for the hills, you are a bad investment, and that you are definitely cheating and that she should go find someone who is prepared to invest in building a monogamous relationship withy her. Being second best to your "friend" is what she is. And you just think she's immature and jealous.

 

I would dig deep if I were you because it sounds like this friend is more important than your girlfriend and if that s the case, cut her loose. It's the kindest thing you can do.

 

1- She's not possessive in any way & whatever happened in the past was a mistake, so she couldn't have possibly picked up on something that doesn't exist.

 

2- Twice a week for lunch or dinner is not that much.

 

3- I am not keeping anything from my GF, I see my GF almost every day, her place is only five minutes away.

 

4- As I have mentioned, I do not spend more time with her than my GF.

 

I work eight hours a day & sleep six hours a day, that leaves ten hours free every day, I really have no other activities, everything else I do, I do it with my friends or GF, I'm 24 with no kids, my life consists of nothing but going out with my friends or GF.

 

And why would you assume I'm cheating? I wouldn't go out of my way to ask for advice if I intended to withhold information.

[Keenly]

What is wrong with you people, you are placing her insecurities on him.

 

 

I'm getting really tired of the women of the human race believing they can dictate who men can and can't hang out with because of their insecurities.

 

 

Maybe this guy would NEVER cheat on his girlfriend, is he supposed to just give up this friendship because his girlfriend is clearly insecure? What's next then? What else is he going to have to give up that makes her uncomfortable . Guys night out at the bar? There are girls there... does he have to give that up too? What if he focuses on his career and she feels neglected, does he give that up too?

 

 

Its called called having a spine. That goes for both of them. She needs to grow one and deal with her jealousy and insecurity, and he needs to show his by not letting his girlfriend dictate who he can and can't hang out with based on gender.

 

 

 

 

 

Where is the trust in relationships these days? Where did this desire for women to control men come from ?

[Miss_raptor]

OP, I would try and figure out why your gf was uncomfortable hanging out with your friend and you. If you just stopped inviting her out with you without figuring out what's going on, that can be pretty hurtful.

 

Yes, she could be more proactive about facing her jealousy head-on, but maybe if you came to her with the issue, it would help smooth things out and you guys can work on it together? Maybe she doesn't even realize she calls you that much more when you're out with this friend?

 

Good luck, I know this type of situation can be draining for all parties.

[clia]

What is wrong with you people, you are placing her insecurities on him.

 

I'm getting really tired of the women of the human race believing they can dictate who men can and can't hang out with because of their insecurities.

 

Maybe this guy would NEVER cheat on his girlfriend, is he supposed to just give up this friendship because his girlfriend is clearly insecure? What's next then? What else is he going to have to give up that makes her uncomfortable . Guys night out at the bar? There are girls there... does he have to give that up too? What if he focuses on his career and she feels neglected, does he give that up too?

 

Its called called having a spine. That goes for both of them. She needs to grow one and deal with her jealousy and insecurity, and he needs to show his by not letting his girlfriend dictate who he can and can't hang out with based on gender.

 

Where is the trust in relationships these days? Where did this desire for women to control men come from ?

 

LOL. On this board I see far more insecure men than women posting about the inappropriateness of opposite sex friendships. this post just happens to be the opposite. Isn't it the men who are always going on and on about how men can't be friends with women because they want to sleep with them? For the record, I totally disagree with that. My boyfriend has several female friends who he goes out for drinks, dinners, and lunches with, and I could care less. In fact, I encourage him to spend time with his friends.

 

The OP needs to address the issue with the girlfriend. I don't even know why he is answering the phone if she is blowing it up when he's out with the friend. I don't know why he's putting up with that. Obviously the girlfriend is insecure about the friend, so he needs to raise the issue and reassure her. If she doesn't get over it, then he has a decision to make about whether or not to stay with her.

[Keenly]

LOL. On this board I see far more insecure men than women posting about the inappropriateness of opposite sex friendships. this post just happens to be the opposite. Isn't it the men who are always going on and on about how men can't be friends with women because they want to sleep with them? For the record, I totally disagree with that. My boyfriend has several female friends who he goes out for drinks, dinners, and lunches with, and I could care less. In fact, I encourage him to spend time with his friends.

 

The OP needs to address the issue with the girlfriend. I don't even know why he is answering the phone if she is blowing it up when he's out with the friend. I don't know why he's putting up with that. Obviously the girlfriend is insecure about the friend, so he needs to raise the issue and reassure her. If she doesn't get over it, then he has a decision to make about whether or not to stay with her.

 

I couldn't comment on whether or not men do the exact same thing, probably even worse than women do, because I have only read what I have read and nothing more.

 

 

Let's just say I wouldn't be surprised though. Both genders are equally jealous and insecure and controlling.

[Summerslam]

What is wrong with you people, you are placing her insecurities on him.

 

 

I'm getting really tired of the women of the human race believing they can dictate who men can and can't hang out with because of their insecurities.

 

 

Maybe this guy would NEVER cheat on his girlfriend, is he supposed to just give up this friendship because his girlfriend is clearly insecure? What's next then? What else is he going to have to give up that makes her uncomfortable . Guys night out at the bar? There are girls there... does he have to give that up too? What if he focuses on his career and she feels neglected, does he give that up too?

 

 

Its called called having a spine. That goes for both of them. She needs to grow one and deal with her jealousy and insecurity, and he needs to show his by not letting his girlfriend dictate who he can and can't hang out with based on gender.

 

 

 

 

 

Where is the trust in relationships these days? Where did this desire for women to control men come from ?

 

Thank you, for a second there I thought I was a jerk for having a female friend.

 

OP, I would try and figure out why your gf was uncomfortable hanging out with your friend and you. If you just stopped inviting her out with you without figuring out what's going on, that can be pretty hurtful.

 

Yes, she could be more proactive about facing her jealousy head-on, but maybe if you came to her with the issue, it would help smooth things out and you guys can work on it together? Maybe she doesn't even realize she calls you that much more when you're out with this friend?

 

Good luck, I know this type of situation can be draining for all parties.

 

I guess that's a valid point, but she'd just sit there looking uncomfortable the entire time, so I figured she didn't wanna be with us anyway.

 

And I'm pretty sure she knows she calls me only when I'm out with this particular friend, she never calls me when I'm out with my guy friends at all, & she never asks me when am I coming back. I didn't want to bring up the issue because I don't want her getting used to being passive about our problems, if she has a problem with something, I want her to talk to me.

[youngnlove89]

Intuition is such a strong trait in a woman and from what I've learned in past relationships...if a guy hangs out with a girl and doesn't take my feelings as priority...GOODBYE. I deserve more than that, so does your girlfriend.

 

P.S. You have GOT to be kidding me, right?

[Keenly]

I pretty much only have one suggestion other than telling her to grow up.

 

 

Reassure her in front of your friend. While she is present, look your girlfriend right in the eyes, tell her you love her, and kiss her. Right in front of your friend. When your girlfriend calls answer with " hey babe what's up "

 

 

If she still acts insecure than this woman is making up problems in her head, and you can't let her dictate your behavior based on her insecurity.