Why is it that only "female" friends cause jealousy?

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Yeah, I probably screwed up here, I should have told her that I think she's more attractive.

 

Yep

 

I am willing to make compromises, but she did not tell me exactly what she wants.

This is not the way to build a successful relationship.

 

 

I never said they're equal, I just said that I don't have to choose.

 

No choice=they have equal value

 

 

I am listening, she's the one that told me to just forget it.

 

GIRL TRANSLATION= he will never put me first or care what I am feeling so why bother. OR I wonder if he will finally prove that I am important to him by trying to fix this proactively?

 

She is the most important person to me, & I told her that, its not like I'm putting her on equal grounds with everybody else.

 

Respectfully, I disagree, based on your words and actions throughout this entire thread. I may quote you incorrectly because I can't cut and paste from them all but you said.

 

1. She is bothering you when you are out with your friend.

2. She was asking insignificant questions so you could not enjoy your time with your friend.

3. She was quiet and not herself when you invited her to go out with your friend so you stopped including her.

4. You refuse to make any adjustments with the friendship because you want everything the way you want it without compromise,

5. You want to do "dating things" with a single attractive girl that you have more in common with and have had a sexual relationship with and a longer term relationship, meeting several times a week alone at each others house or out (did I say alone?)

6. You expect your girlfriend to state exactly what she wants from you, but I assume you argue these points with her like you do here, so you probably are not very flexible.

 

I could go on.

 

You SAY she's more important here after 8 pages, but how do your show her?

 

I have told you, and EVERYONE else has told you she doesn't feel it. So what are you going to do differently?

[Maleficent]

Give me a break! The only men I know who are "friends" with women are "Nice" Guys who are trying to get out of the friendzone or insecure pansies who need constant female attention for low self-worth / validation and cheaters.

 

Sure, my friends and I are "friendly" with women but none of us are FRIENDS with them.

 

What man wants to talk to some woman about their new BF, what happened on Dancing With The Stars, the fight they had with their mother last week, what Sally said at the water-cooler at work today, hear about their new haircut and their new highlights, watch girly TV shows or movies, etc.

 

My relationship with the girl I am dating and with my Sisters is WAY MORE "girl time" than I can possibly want / need. Why would any man on earth want more?

 

 

 

Oh... I see. Relationships are not about to individual people working together as one to achieve common goals, share their lives together, grow, challenge and bring out the best in one another and do all that and MUCH MORE with thoughtfulness, kindness, tenderness, forgiveness, understanding, respect, consideration, compassion, love, etc?

 

It's two people seeing what they can get away with and constantly bouncing against or busting through the person you say you love, admire, respect, value, etc. boundaries.

 

 

 

Not sure what planet you live on or if you only pick up women through Craigslist or not... On my planet, most women I know DESTROY men in every way when it comes to compassion, empathy, understanding, thoughtfulness, mercy, compromise, etc.

 

 

 

Are you 6 foot 4, sculpted like a Greek God, Rich and packing some heat?

 

Based on your avatar... A girl accepting a date with you isn't getting everything she wants from day 1.

 

 

 

You go shopping every time she wants you too? You listen to everything she tells you about your GFs, her mother, her friend and her new BF? You read people magazine, Vogue and watch TMZ so you can talk about Pop Culture or Celebrity Gossip with her?

 

Do you actually think she enjoys giving you BJ or having sex with you every single time?

 

 

 

Why would you even consider dating Pure Evil / The Spawn of Satan... Women?

 

Believe it or not, even though you paint then entire female gender black... Those EVIL VILE CREATURES would still give you some tips on how to give an amazing BJ. Way I see it, switching teams is your only option unless you just enjoy being miserable and treated like crap.

 

OMG I LOVE YOU!

[Woop1337]

Don't you have at least two guy friends that are ahead in line before this other girl as your best friend?

 

Since your gf admitted that the whole situation makes her uncomfortable. You should've pressed the issue then and there. You should've went into full investigation mode to fully find out why she feels the way she feels.

 

As far as I'm concerned, when it comes to issues like this, you leave no doubt and discuss all bases. You don't want something like this festering underneath, it will undermine your relationship.

 

If your gf, even remotely insinuates that you stop interacting with the other woman, you compromise. Why? Because she is your "main", bruh.

[Summerslam]

Yep

 

 

This is not the way to build a successful relationship.

 

 

 

 

No choice=they have equal value

 

 

 

 

GIRL TRANSLATION= he will never put me first or care what I am feeling so why bother. OR I wonder if he will finally prove that I am important to him by trying to fix this proactively?

 

 

 

Respectfully, I disagree, based on your words and actions throughout this entire thread. I may quote you incorrectly because I can't cut and paste from them all but you said.

 

1. She is bothering you when you are out with your friend.

2. She was asking insignificant questions so you could not enjoy your time with your friend.

3. She was quiet and not herself when you invited her to go out with your friend so you stopped including her.

4. You refuse to make any adjustments with the friendship because you want everything the way you want it without compromise,

5. You want to do "dating things" with a single attractive girl that you have more in common with and have had a sexual relationship with and a longer term relationship, meeting several times a week alone at each others house or out (did I say alone?)

6. You expect your girlfriend to state exactly what she wants from you, but I assume you argue these points with her like you do here, so you probably are not very flexible.

 

I could go on.

 

You SAY she's more important here after 8 pages, but how do your show her?

 

I have told you, and EVERYONE else has told you she doesn't feel it. So what are you going to do differently?

 

1- That doesn't prove that she's not the most important person to me.

2- Same as above.

3- I stopped including her because she was uncomfortable, it wasn't for my benefit since I have absolutely no problem with her tagging along.

4- What adjustments exactly does she want? that is the real question, she never even asked me to.

5- What we do together can be seen as doing "friends-things" too, there's nothing I do with her that I don't do with my other friends.

6- I can be flexible, I just want to know the changes that she wants.

 

I don't understand why you insist on refusing to actually acknowldge that she has an issue in the first place. Why must she bring it up if she when you know very well she's uncomfortable? That's like a doctor refusing to treat a patient until they admit they're sick. If you see she has an issue, be proactive an address it.

 

Some women won't say anything for fear of appearing or being labeled a jealous...just like you're doing now. Maybe she's worried you'll get really upset or feel like she's trying to be controlling? Honestly it would irritate me to no living end to know my boyfriend was feigning ignorance regarding something he had full knowldge of.

 

& we just talked about it not long ago, she decided to tell me to "forget it".

 

Don't you have at least two guy friends that are ahead in line before this other girl as your best friend?

 

Since your gf admitted that the whole situation makes her uncomfortable. You should've pressed the issue then and there. You should've went into full investigation mode to fully find out why she feels the way she feels.

 

As far as I'm concerned, when it comes to issues like this, you leave no doubt and discuss all bases. You don't want something like this festering underneath, it will undermine your relationship.

 

If your gf, even remotely insinuates that you stop interacting with the other woman, you compromise. Why? Because she is your "main", bruh.

 

Not exactly, I've known this friend since we were kids, but I do have two other male best friends that I met in high school, the only reason they're not "bester" is because they don't know me as well as she does cause they weren't around when I was a kid.

 

As for pressing the issue, perhaps I should have been firmer, but she just told me "forget it" & left, so there was no room to "press her" to talk.

[anna121]

Maybe it was a mistake not telling her that I think she's better looking, but I didn't want to look like I'm lying just to make her feel better which would make things worse, & now if I call her & tell her that I think she's better looking than my friend it would look even worse.

 

 

 

We never had any conflict, this is the first time we talked about something negative ever since a misunderstanding that happened when we weren't even exclusive.

 

 

 

Yeah, maybe I'm overreacting, she's not rifling through my things or showing up when I'm out with my friend, but I would feel much better if my GF would just bring up any issues she has.

 

Um.

 

It seems to me that is exactly what she did.

 

Followed by you, essentially, telling her why her issues have no merit. Because looks and things in common are not that important to you in a relationship. Which, when you think about it, is really kinda funny, you know? And not at all reassuring to her, believe me.

 

Because it all comes down to the fact that you are unwilling to change anything about your own life to make your girlfriend feel better. I know - I've been in your position and done the same thing.

 

It really sounds like you are just not that into her. Certainly, on this thread, you have yet to express any true concern about her feelings.

[PlumPrincess]

I don't understand why you're with your girlfriend and not with your friend.

 

Your friend is attractive, you have things in common and you like her enough to spend a lot of time with her. What is it that makes you want to have a relationship with your girlfriend?

[phineas]

Are guys on this forum serious? You really expect his girlfriend to be ok hanging out with some woman her boyfriend screwed in the past? Let alone some chick he likes to go off and hang out alone with.

 

Would you be telling a guy to hang around some dude his girlfriend used to shag? All that would do is magnify the problem imo.

 

Can OPs girlfriend be shown some respect? He needs to ease up on hanging out with this chick. And quite frankly, I wouldnt even get into a relationship with a girl who still hangs out with guys shes screwed. I dont need that potential drama.

 

Pure insanity.

I don't even hang out one-on-one with my female friends (unless we end up being the last to leave an event because everyone else left early)

 

Why?

Because even though we are "friends"

I am not friendzoned.

 

I would bang every single one of them.

Just not interested in getting involved with them for certain reasons.

[xxoo]

You know what is worse for a relationship than a stubborn partner? Two stubborn partners.

 

In my relationship, my husband is the one who will stew instead of bringing things up. So I bring it up, and I keep bringing it up until we've actually resolved something and feel better about it.

 

Sure, you're right; she should bring it up. But what good does being right bring you? Does it help your relationship? Make you happy? Bring you closer?

 

What good might it bring for you to initiate the communication, regardless of who has the problem?

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Well Summer, it's clear you don't want to fix it, you want to be right.

 

Ok you are right. She's wrong. We are wrong. You are right. You win.

 

You can avoid the discussion about your girlfriends issue because she told you to forget it. So it's gone, over done, you can stop talking about it.

 

You can be right if you want.

 

But you can't be right, and have a relationship. Not just with your girlfriend, because she's going to give up on you soon anyway, and I think you have the only girl in the whole world that would put up with this behavior for this long anyway.

 

But don't believe anyone else, don't believe anyone who is trying to help you see, don't be open to anyone else's thoughts or opinions, because at 24, you have the significant vast knowledge of successful relationships to draw from.

 

So just let it go. She told you she was OK and to "forget it".

 

And when she dumps you for the new guy who wants to be her best friend and lover, someone she doesn't have to hide her feelings, someone who proactively works to resolve issues, someone who values her more than others...go back and read this thread cause we tried to help you before it was too late.

[Summerslam]

Um.

 

It seems to me that is exactly what she did.

 

Followed by you, essentially, telling her why her issues have no merit. Because looks and things in common are not that important to you in a relationship. Which, when you think about it, is really kinda funny, you know? And not at all reassuring to her, believe me.

 

Because it all comes down to the fact that you are unwilling to change anything about your own life to make your girlfriend feel better. I know - I've been in your position and done the same thing.

 

It really sounds like you are just not that into her. Certainly, on this thread, you have yet to express any true concern about her feelings.

 

I love her, & I expressed that to her many times.

 

I don't understand why you're with your girlfriend and not with your friend.

 

Your friend is attractive, you have things in common and you like her enough to spend a lot of time with her. What is it that makes you want to have a relationship with your girlfriend?

 

We didn't want to be in a romantic relationship because we just grew up being friend, that one night only happened because we were wasted.

 

You know what is worse for a relationship than a stubborn partner? Two stubborn partners.

 

In my relationship, my husband is the one who will stew instead of bringing things up. So I bring it up, and I keep bringing it up until we've actually resolved something and feel better about it.

 

Sure, you're right; she should bring it up. But what good does being right bring you? Does it help your relationship? Make you happy? Bring you closer?

 

What good might it bring for you to initiate the communication, regardless of who has the problem?

 

Well Summer, it's clear you don't want to fix it, you want to be right.

 

Ok you are right. She's wrong. We are wrong. You are right. You win.

 

You can avoid the discussion about your girlfriends issue because she told you to forget it. So it's gone, over done, you can stop talking about it.

 

You can be right if you want.

 

But you can't be right, and have a relationship. Not just with your girlfriend, because she's going to give up on you soon anyway, and I think you have the only girl in the whole world that would put up with this behavior for this long anyway.

 

But don't believe anyone else, don't believe anyone who is trying to help you see, don't be open to anyone else's thoughts or opinions, because at 24, you have the significant vast knowledge of successful relationships to draw from.

 

So just let it go. She told you she was OK and to "forget it".

 

And when she dumps you for the new guy who wants to be her best friend and lover, someone she doesn't have to hide her feelings, someone who proactively works to resolve issues, someone who values her more than others...go back and read this thread cause we tried to help you before it was too late.

 

Okay, you just convinced me that I'm being stubborn, you can't all be wrong, I'll talk to her again, & this time I'll try to press harder.

[Maleficent]

Well Summer, it's clear you don't want to fix it, you want to be right.

 

Ok you are right. She's wrong. We are wrong. You are right. You win.

 

You can avoid the discussion about your girlfriends issue because she told you to forget it. So it's gone, over done, you can stop talking about it.

 

You can be right if you want.

 

But you can't be right, and have a relationship. Not just with your girlfriend, because she's going to give up on you soon anyway, and I think you have the only girl in the whole world that would put up with this behavior for this long anyway.

 

But don't believe anyone else, don't believe anyone who is trying to help you see, don't be open to anyone else's thoughts or opinions, because at 24, you have the significant vast knowledge of successful relationships to draw from.

 

So just let it go. She told you she was OK and to "forget it".

 

And when she dumps you for the new guy who wants to be her best friend and lover, someone she doesn't have to hide her feelings, someone who proactively works to resolve issues, someone who values her more than others...go back and read this thread cause we tried to help you before it was too late.

 

There.

End of thread.

[serial muse]

Edited: you said you'd bring it up, so good.

 

Can I just point out that you've already said you don't want to alter the relationship with your friend in any way, though, so I wonder how you'd be willing to compromise here? Supposing she does ask for some alteration of some kind. What are you actually willing to change, if anything? Or do you just want her to say she's jealous so that you can tell her not to be?

Edited August 17, 2013 by serial muse

[JustSomeoneHurt]

We did sleep together years ago but it was a mistake & my GF doesn't even know about it, we decided that our past should be our past & never asked each other about past relationships

We never flirt with each other, they don't have a relationship beyond acquaintances, & yes she's single.

 

I'll just tell you right off the bat you are wrong in this situation. Your girlfriend has a gut feeling something is not right and she's CORRECT. Are you seriously telling me you would have NO PROBLEM if your girlfriend were alone with a male that she slept with previously? How about just a guy she had feelings for before?

 

You are so wrong on so many levels I cannot explain. If you want to save your relationship you need to break contact with this female you have slept with before. I am betting 100000% you have given your girlfriend reason to doubt your fidelity previously. And this is proof. Listen, I am just telling you how it is because you have been honest with me in this thread. So I am giving you an honest answer. If you want to save your relationship and further fights and pain, break contact with your female friend and if your female friend is not a giant ******* she will understand why. Your girlfriend should be more important than a female you have slept with before whom you call "an acquaintance." Obviously she is not an acquaintance, she is a previous sex partner. Shame on you.

[kaylan]

OPs gf is smarter than she lets on. Do be warned OP...shes likely feigning being OK with you continuing to hang out with this girl. Ive done this in the past with a girl Ive dated, and Ive seen other people do the same thing.

 

Its possible shes testing you to see if youll do whats best for the relationship. And you keep failing. Dont be surprised if you end up dumped in the near future. No girl wants to constantly look over her shoulder while you hang out with some chick you banged in the past.

[TB Rhine]

In my relationship, my husband is the one who will stew instead of bringing things up. So I bring it up, and I keep bringing it up until we've I've actually resolved something and I feel better about it.

 

Fixed that for ya.

[Els]

Edited: you said you'd bring it up, so good.

 

Can I just point out that you've already said you don't want to alter the relationship with your friend in any way, though, so I wonder how you'd be willing to compromise here? Supposing she does ask for some alteration of some kind. What are you actually willing to change, if anything? Or do you just want her to say she's jealous so that you can tell her not to be?

 

Pretty much this. What are you even trying to press FOR, OP? Communication is good, but if you're pretty much dead set in your ways, I'm not even sure what you're hoping to happen from the talk. Talking usually is done with the purpose of both parties working out a compromise. Are you hoping to just try and convince her that she should be okay with what you're doing?

[It-is-what-it-is.]

And how did it go?

[nescafe1982]

And how did it go?

 

Not so well, apparently: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/417825-women-s-intuition-how-hell-do-you-counter

[Charlie Harper]

She is also too good looking & successful to be insecure.

 

What do you think I should do? talk to her or wait until she starts talking?

 

We're both 24, been together for a little over a year, if that info helps.

 

There is no such thing as a good looking and successful to be insecure.... INSECURITY is a very common malady on humans (men and Women alike)

 

The childish way to go is become a control freak on her friends (men or women) and let her know how it feels.

 

The mature way is letting her know that her lack of confidence in you shows up badly, with her constant calls.

 

And BTW men gatherings are way more dangerous on getting laid with women but dont let her know, in fact keep the secret LOL

[Woggle]

I think the OP should be more sensitive to her feelings but I admit I do wonder what the responses would be if the genders were reversed. I think there there would be a lot of responses calling the guy insecure.

[Els]

I think the OP should be more sensitive to her feelings but I admit I do wonder what the responses would be if the genders were reversed. I think there there would be a lot of responses calling the guy insecure.

 

Yes, yes, all of us would give a guy's gf high-fives for spending several hours a week alone at her male friend's house and offer her plenty of suggestions to convince her bf that he's being insecure, the primary one being, "Shut up, I have pussy, I go where I choose." :rolleyes:

 

The only ones who'd probably change their responses had the genders been reversed would be Keenly and TheRhine.

[Woggle]

Yes, yes, all of us would give a guy's gf high-fives for spending several hours a week alone at her male friend's house and offer her plenty of suggestions to convince her bf that he's being insecure, the primary one being, "Shut up, I have pussy, I go where I choose." :rolleyes:

 

The only ones who'd probably change their responses had the genders been reversed would be Keenly and TheRhine.

 

It wouldn't be that blatant. The men's responses would probably be different as well. On this board people tend to be a bit biased as far as gender.

[Woggle]

SOME people. You ought to speak for yourself.

 

I, and many others (not including you), judge behavior for what it is. Not by the genitals and hormonal formula of the person doing it.

 

In this case, the girlfriend may or may not be insecure. That is not the issue. The issue is the behavior of the OP.

 

Some people yes but threads like this usually take a predictable turn with the usual suspects chiming in. For the record I actually think his GF has every right to be suspicious. While I think there is a limit to how much you should cater to a persons insecurities hanging out on a regular basis like this with somebody you used to sleep with is certainly taking it too far.

[BeholdtheMan]

so what exactly is the difference except for the fact that my female friend has a vagina & my guy friends have penises?

That's a pretty big difference bro

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I think the OP should be more sensitive to her feelings but I admit I do wonder what the responses would be if the genders were reversed. I think there there would be a lot of responses calling the guy insecure.

 

Not true...similar post with roles reversed going on now...actually our advice was to the guy who's wife has a friend who hangs out at her house 2-3 times a week. You think they are playing video games?..

 

My Advice is to dump HER too, same advice I would give this guys girlfriend cause obviously he's in love with the friend...

 

You guys are so funny...