Why is it that only "female" friends cause jealousy?

[pteromom]

I have no issue with you having a female friend. I think it is awesome, even considering your history.

 

But think about this from your gf's point of view. Imagine that once or twice a week, she goes and hangs out at some single male friend's house. Wouldn't you be uncomfortable with that?

 

It sounds to me like your gf is trying to be cool with your friend. But she has limited info - she only knows that you are hanging out at this girl's house regularly, so her mind fills in all she doesn't know with the worst-case scenarios. Then she gets anxious and worried and calls you because she needs relief from the anxiety.

 

She isn't asking you to dump your friend. She isn't even asking you to change your behavior, so kudos to her for keeping it together and respecting your friendship.

 

BUT - you may want to think about changing your behavior in some ways. You know your gf is having worries, so if you care about her, you should want to relieve those worries.

 

My suggestions:

 

- Try to cultivate a friendship between the two women. This doesn't mean you drag your gf around as a third wheel when you are hanging with your friend. There are other ways - have a double-date (set your friend up with a male friend of yours - it doesn't have to be a real set-up; you can even tell your friends that you just want your gf to get to know them.) Have a small party at your place and invite your friend. Go out as a group to a movie or bowling or club or whatever you do, and bring both your female friend, male friends, and gf. There are ways to do it. Your gf needs to see you and your female friend interacting so she can have some real info about your friendship instead of filling in the blanks with bad thoughts.

 

- Don't hang out at your friend's house. Certainly you guys can meet at a coffee shop or restaurant or park or somewhere public.

 

- Volunteer the details about your outings to your gf. Just tell her what you did, anything funny that happened, etc. (both with your male and female friends). And end your story telling her you are so happy to see her/talk to her.

 

Yes, insecurity sucks. But sometimes, one partner's actions can fuel insecurity or cause it where it didn't exist before. This is one of those cases. But it sounds like your gf is cool, so it is to your benefit to try to reassure her.

[Star Gazer]

We did sleep together years ago but it was a mistake & my GF doesn't even know about it, we decided that our past should be our past & never asked each other about past relationships

We never flirt with each other, they don't have a relationship beyond acquaintances, & yes she's single.

 

maybe once to twice a week, & we don't really do anything normal friends wouldn't do, dinner, movies, or just hang out in her place or my place.

 

You hang out once or twice a week ALONE with a female friend you once had sex with, and you do date-like activities and/or hang out a your houses alone together?

 

TOTALLY inappropriate. I'd dump you for this.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Whenever I go out with my guy friends, my GF leaves me alone, & I get a decent night out. But whenever I'm out with my female friend, she calls me every once in a while, & obsessively asks me about every single detail, so what exactly is the difference except for the fact that my female friend has a vagina & my guy friends have penises?

 

Your girlfriend has an issue with this one specific person.

 

I chose to pretend that I'm not noticing her jealousy, if she wants to be serious, she should just tell me she's jealous, but frankly, I'm getting tired of her obsessive phone calls (in which she asks me trivial questions that can wait until later), &

She is failing your test of your expectation that she accept this relationship.

 

I'm starting to think that I should just go ahead & talk to her, but I'm still not sure it would make any difference, since I'm not gonna give up my friendships for no real reason. She is also too good looking & successful to be insecure.

 

So her being jealous of this one person is not a good enough reason. This indicates that the friend is a priority over the girlfriend. And that you are deciding that her feelings are invalid (dismissive)

 

What do you think I should do? talk to her or wait until she starts talking?

 

We're both 24, been together for a little over a year, if that info helps.

 

Only if you intend to consider her feelings and work to make her more comfortable, and if you want the relationship to succeed. Otherwise, you should break up.

 

We did sleep together years ago but it was a mistake & my GF doesn't even know about it,

. She knows or suspects.

 

we decided that our past should be our past & never asked each other about past relationships

ok, in this case it's probably a mistake to have not told her.

 

We never flirt with each other, they don't have a relationship beyond acquaintances, & yes she's single.

 

maybe once to twice a week, & we don't really do anything normal friends wouldn't do, dinner, movies, or just hang out in her place or my place.

 

 

Single available heterosexual friend, you hang out with doing dating stuff (meals, movies, hanging at each others house). This is dating.

So dig deep Summer, if you were single and she were single you guys would not be together? Ever?

 

What is it the friend gives you? Emotional support? A place to vent your girlfriend frustrations? This is at minimum an emotional affair (look it up) IF you consider yourself attached to your girlfriend.

 

I do understand the phone calls, but if she feels jealous or threatened, she should talk to me instead of calling me to ask about my favorite shoes when she knows I'm out.

 

She is in investigation mode. She is assessing your relationship.

 

I have no problem with her having male friends, she just chose not to have them, even if its someone she slept with in the past, despite the fact that she doesn't even know we've slept together years ago which makes her checking up on me make less sense.

 

You should suggest she supplement your relationship with male friends then... Suggest that she should find some guy to hang with 2-3 times a week for meals, movies, hanging at their places.

 

Good point, but would a woman that loves someone request that he ends a friendship based on trust issues?

 

Successful relationships have all kinds of compromises. Require them. Sounds like you aren't willing?

 

 

She tagged along a few times, but she was uncomfortable & very quiet which is unlike her, so I decided not to invite her to come with us anymore.

 

Cause she is getting the girl vibe from your friend. She got the "I take priority" vibe. You guys have the secret handshake, shared experience and she felt like a third wheel. I am assuming you didn't raise the issue to ask and expected her to say something?

 

I will say again...you want girl advice? You want to fix it? Or do you want validation that no girlfriend should manipulate you.

 

Cause if you just want a bunch so single guys to tell you you are right, then listen to the boyz.

 

If you want to fix it then ask what to do.

 

In my opinion, this other relationship means more to you than you are admitting to yourself, your girlfriend senses that and is assessing whether she is willing to continue to invest any more time in this relationship with you.

[Star Gazer]

OH whoops my bad... I did not read the bolded part... then again I kind of just quickly skimmed the thread. In that case, your GF has every right to be a little antsy and a little insecure.

 

Apparently, she does not know this. Regardless, he's essentially "dating" this friend on the side. Unacceptable.

[Maleficent]

Well OP, in the end, are you looking for validation?

 

If so, go with the single guys' advice...

 

If you care about your relationship, talk to your girlfriend and find a middle ground that works for both of you. If she is truly insecure about this pseudo girlfriend, you'll have to decide which one matters most.

[sweetjasmine]

I wouldn't have a male friend that I couldn't hang out with my boyfriend in attendance as well.

 

Same thing with him - if he was pal-ing around with some chick going to movies, dinner, and hanging out alone at each other's houses and such, he could kiss my ass good-bye. That's called DATING. Those are things you do with your S.O. or in a group.

 

Exactly! There's a difference between having friends of the opposite sex...and having one friend of the opposite sex who you hang out with several times a week and spend time alone with at each other's houses. I can't believe this is controversial. If I were hanging out at a single guy's house 2-3 times a week, my H would flip a sh-t. With reason!

[Summerslam]

exactly.

 

look, I am the most trusting girl you'll find - it doesn't bother me one iota if my boyfriend wants to hang out with his female friends 1 on 1. never complained in the past, never had any reason to.

 

THIS IS DIFFERENT.

 

why?

 

1. she's single

2. they've had sex in the past (we CAN pick up on this without it being said)

3. he tells us "she's not interested in me anyways." huge red flag. OP is without a doubt sexually attracted to this girl (don't care what he "says" haha).......which wouldn't be an issue except for the fact that THEY HANG OUT AT EACH OTHERS' PLACE 2-3 TIMES A WEEK!

 

I mean, really, all you male posters defending this guy tooth and nail? stop bitching about how his girlfriend is "dictating" his life. obviously she only has issues with this one girl - AND FOR GOOD REASON!

 

1- So I can only have a female friend that isn't single?

2- That's irrelevant, even assuming that she picked up on it, we agreed that the past is the past.

3- I will concede that she is very attractive, but I am not interested in having a sexual or romantic relationship with her.

 

those are not good reasons.

 

OP if you're so trustworthy, would you have any problem with getting both girls together and discussing the issue out in the open? as another poster said, kissing your GF in front of her while assuring her she has nothing to worry about?

 

I kiss her in front of everybody, why is everybody assuming that I'm hiding my GF from my friend?

 

I have no issue with you having a female friend. I think it is awesome, even considering your history.

 

But think about this from your gf's point of view. Imagine that once or twice a week, she goes and hangs out at some single male friend's house. Wouldn't you be uncomfortable with that?

 

No, I trust her.

 

It sounds to me like your gf is trying to be cool with your friend. But she has limited info - she only knows that you are hanging out at this girl's house regularly, so her mind fills in all she doesn't know with the worst-case scenarios. Then she gets anxious and worried and calls you because she needs relief from the anxiety.

 

She does ask me passively about my day with her, & I always tell her exactly what we did.

 

She isn't asking you to dump your friend. She isn't even asking you to change your behavior, so kudos to her for keeping it together and respecting your friendship.

 

BUT - you may want to think about changing your behavior in some ways. You know your gf is having worries, so if you care about her, you should want to relieve those worries.

 

If she has worries, she should come & talk to me.

 

My suggestions:

 

- Try to cultivate a friendship between the two women. This doesn't mean you drag your gf around as a third wheel when you are hanging with your friend. There are other ways - have a double-date (set your friend up with a male friend of yours - it doesn't have to be a real set-up; you can even tell your friends that you just want your gf to get to know them.) Have a small party at your place and invite your friend. Go out as a group to a movie or bowling or club or whatever you do, and bring both your female friend, male friends, and gf. There are ways to do it. Your gf needs to see you and your female friend interacting so she can have some real info about your friendship instead of filling in the blanks with bad thoughts.

 

She hates being set up with someone she doesn't know, & we have had many parties before where both my friend & my GF is around, you should know that things become less personal & more about entertainment when its a crowd, that's why I tried making it just the three of us to no avail.

 

- Don't hang out at your friend's house. Certainly you guys can meet at a coffee shop or restaurant or park or somewhere public.

 

Some of our hobbies can only be done at home, like Video Games, & its not like I go to her place a lot, its rare, its just that we don't avoid it or it would like we don't trust each other being alone.

 

- Volunteer the details about your outings to your gf. Just tell her what you did, anything funny that happened, etc. (both with your male and female friends). And end your story telling her you are so happy to see her/talk to her.

 

I do tell her what we do.

 

Yes, insecurity sucks. But sometimes, one partner's actions can fuel insecurity or cause it where it didn't exist before. This is one of those cases. But it sounds like your gf is cool, so it is to your benefit to try to reassure her.

 

Having dinner with someone should not cause insecurity.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Well you have your answer then.

 

You are unwilling to compromise.

 

You are unwilling to do anything proactively to assist your girlfriend in feeling more comfortable.

 

You use openness as a shield to be thoughtless and callous of her feelings.

 

Your relationship with your girlfriend is less important than your other relationships

 

Your girlfriends discomfort shows she can't be in a relationship with you, because you are not willing to compromise.

 

Do everyone a favor and man up and end it.

 

You are not mature enough for a lasting relationship yet, and you are keeping her from meeting someone who is.

[Keenly]

Younglove89, I don't really know where you think you can claim i have no experience, you must be confusing me with some one else.

 

 

What I can admit though is that I missed the part where he didn't actually tell her about the past. I was going off the false impression that he told her and SHE said the past is the past.

 

My way absolutely works if both parties are open and honest. This is not the case for this situation.

 

Now that I have successfully dug myself into a hole, I have no problem admitting my view of the situation was factually incorrect, but all of my opinions on insecurity, jealousy, and control still stand.

[Summerslam]

You hang out once or twice a week ALONE with a female friend you once had sex with, and you do date-like activities and/or hang out a your houses alone together?

 

TOTALLY inappropriate. I'd dump you for this.

 

Dinner, movies, bars, video games, that's date-like activities? I do that with my male friends too, & I'm not gay.

 

Your girlfriend has an issue with this one specific person.

 

For no reason other than the fact that she's a woman?

 

 

She is failing your test of your expectation that she accept this relationship.

 

 

 

So her being jealous of this one person is not a good enough reason. This indicates that the friend is a priority over the girlfriend. And that you are deciding that her feelings are invalid (dismissive)

 

Her being jealous irrationally is not me being dismissive.

 

Only if you intend to consider her feelings and work to make her more comfortable, and if you want the relationship to succeed. Otherwise, you should break up.

 

I am considering her feelings, but I want her to come talk to me about her feelings instead of hiding them.

 

. She knows or suspects.

 

I'm not sure she does.

 

ok, in this case it's probably a mistake to have not told her.

 

Why? we agreed that our past should stay in the past, both of us.

 

Single available heterosexual friend, you hang out with doing dating stuff (meals, movies, hanging at each others house). This is dating.

So dig deep Summer, if you were single and she were single you guys would not be together? Ever?

 

No, that's why we decided after that one night mistake in which we were drunk teenagers that we don't want a romantic or sexual relationship, there wasn't even any awkward period after it happened.

 

What is it the friend gives you? Emotional support? A place to vent your girlfriend frustrations? This is at minimum an emotional affair (look it up) IF you consider yourself attached to your girlfriend.

 

She gives me the same things your best friend gives you, she just happens to be of the opposite sex.

 

She is in investigation mode. She is assessing your relationship.

 

She doesn't need to investigate, she can just ask me.

 

You should suggest she supplement your relationship with male friends then... Suggest that she should find some guy to hang with 2-3 times a week for meals, movies, hanging at their places.

 

She does have male friends, just not close male friends, & if she somehow finds a male friend that she can hang out with, I have no problem with that.

 

Successful relationships have all kinds of compromises. Require them. Sounds like you aren't willing?

 

That's not compromise, that's just control.

 

Cause she is getting the girl vibe from your friend. She got the "I take priority" vibe. You guys have the secret handshake, shared experience and she felt like a third wheel. I am assuming you didn't raise the issue to ask and expected her to say something?

 

Well, I assumed she either hated her, or didn't know what the hell were we talking about, either way, I'm not a mind reader & she should talk to me about it.

 

I will say again...you want girl advice? You want to fix it? Or do you want validation that no girlfriend should manipulate you.

 

Cause if you just want a bunch so single guys to tell you you are right, then listen to the boyz.

 

If you want to fix it then ask what to do.

 

I'm asking for advice, but all I'm seeing is people judging me because I have a female friend.

 

In my opinion, this other relationship means more to you than you are admitting to yourself, your girlfriend senses that and is assessing whether she is willing to continue to invest any more time in this relationship with you.

 

She's my friend, my best friend even, but why should I have to choose between my friend & my GF? having a romantic relationship doesn't mean I have to ignore all my other relationships.

[Summerslam]

....she doesn't know? Sorry OP, I was fully on your side at the begining. However, you are lying to your gf. I hate insecure girls, especially ones with no reason to be insecure. I've never cheated on my fiance, nor do I talk to any exes or hook ups...let alone hang out with them. If I was in your shoes my fiance would have every right to be pissed off.

 

I'm not lying, we just agreed that our past should stay in the past.

 

I wouldn't have a male friend that I couldn't hang out with my boyfriend in attendance as well.

 

Same thing with him - if he was pal-ing around with some chick going to movies, dinner, and hanging out alone at each other's houses and such, he could kiss my ass good-bye. That's called DATING. Those are things you do with your S.O. or in a group.

 

Or a friend, right?

 

Exactly! There's a difference between having friends of the opposite sex...and having one friend of the opposite sex who you hang out with several times a week and spend time alone with at each other's houses. I can't believe this is controversial. If I were hanging out at a single guy's house 2-3 times a week, my H would flip a sh-t. With reason!

 

I would like to hear a serious rational explanation.

[truth_seeker]

I don't believe in having female friends to hang out with while your girlfriend is at home. Just like I don't believe in having my girlfriend go out with guys while I'm at home.

[Summerslam]

Younglove89, I don't really know where you think you can claim i have no experience, you must be confusing me with some one else.

 

 

What I can admit though is that I missed the part where he didn't actually tell her about the past. I was going off the false impression that he told her and SHE said the past is the past.

 

My way absolutely works if both parties are open and honest. This is not the case for this situation.

 

Now that I have successfully dug myself into a hole, I have no problem admitting my view of the situation was factually incorrect, but all of my opinions on insecurity, jealousy, and control still stand.

 

She did say the past doesn't matter either way, If the only problem is me not telling her about my past with my friend, I'd gladly tell her, since she & I already agreed that the past does not bother us at all, even though my sexual encounter with my friend was years ago & we promised each other that we would never ever tell anyone.

 

I will post here again after I tell her later today, & I'm almost positive nothing will change.

[serial muse]

OP, I have the distinct sense that you've already made up your mind about this. You've heard what there is to hear, and I'm sure that before you even came to this board you could take a wild stab at why your GF might be more uneasy with you going out alone several times a week with an attractive woman than with you going out with male buddies. Even if she hasn't picked up on your past history. (Which, let's face it, you don't know. Know why? Because you haven't asked her. You assumed.)

 

But you know what else you don't know? WHAT SHE THINKS. This whole thread is full of YOU speculating and judging her and blah blah blah based on the fact that you perceive her as calling more when you're out with this friend. You start a thread about this here and push back on all responses that don't tell you what you want to hear, and stubbornly maintain that if your GF has a problem, she should come to you.

 

Meanwhile, YOU are the one creating the drama, from what I can see. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO HAS THE PROBLEM WITH THIS. That means you should talk to her. Instead of, you know, condemning her in absentia when you haven't even discussed this with her.

 

Jesus H. Christ on a popsicle stick. :rolleyes:

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Summer,

 

The fact that you are digging your heals in in this issue, even after overwhelming advice that what you are doing isn't cool.

 

I have male friends, mostly work friends, we travel for work and have dinners etc. but a best friend no.

 

My husband would not be cool with me hanging out with a best friend, single male and no matter what, my marriage is more important than any friend.

 

That's why you are not ready for a real relationship. You want someone to have sex with while you get your emotional needs met by your best girlfriend.

 

That's fine, if everyone understands the score. Your girlfriend can never be your best friend, no matter how much she may want to be because that position is taken. So I imagine the magic sex is all she gets so when that loses its luster she will find someone else.

 

The fact that YOU aren't discussing it, that YOU aren't trying to solve it is an indication that you don't want it solved.

 

So break up with her. Issue solved.

[sweetjasmine]

I would like to hear a serious rational explanation.

 

You've been given serious, rational explanations. But you don't seem to understand what it means to have strong boundaries.

 

Spending time one-on-one with a close friend of the opposite sex while deliberately not inviting your partner is crossing a boundary. Even people who are generally secure will find that to be unacceptable behavior, and many (like myself) will find it disrespectful, especially if you're doing this on a regular basis and spending time alone with this person when you could be spending time with your partner, since you don't even want the two of them to hang out together.

 

There's really nothing more to say.

[Maleficent]

Come on ladies. We are wasting our energy

 

He is clearly looking for validation and wants us to tell him he's right.

 

So let's let him do his thing and when he comes crying his girlfriend dumped his uncaring ass, we'll get to say I told you so

[meebee33]

@summerslam - in my experience, jealousy is an emotional reaction to specific people/situations, and not a personality trait. so, i side with multiple posters on this thread that her issue isn't that you have female friends. her issue is with this specific female friend.

 

also, i don't think she is trying to control your social circles because your first post indicates she hasn't mentioned anything to you about this, so really this jealousy that you "choose to pretend you're not noticing" is currently just speculation. you haven chosen to believe your assumption is 100% accurate without confirming it with your gf, and decided to consult a jealously forum for what we all think you should do.

 

i think you should get off the internet and go talk to your gf about this. first attain some sort of verification from her that your assumption has any truth to it, then open the lines of communication free of frustration or defense - so she can feel that you actually care enough to hear her out without her being judged.

 

if there is truth to your concern, then it's obvious she felt this was something she couldn't talk to you about. what kind of relationship is that?

 

you asked if you should talk to her or wait until she starts talking.. but isn't that a bit hypocritical? it bothers you that your gf won't "be serious" and talk about what might be bothering her - yet you decide to talk to a group people strangers on the internet before talking to her about what's bothering you.

[SadSouls]

I have a very good female friend, I've known her ever since I was just a little kid. Nothing has ever happened between us but now I'm in a serious relationship with my partner I respect that fact.

 

The only time I ever see her now is if we are out as a group with my other guy friends - as we all went to the same school together and still hang out once every couple of weeks.

 

What you're doing is disrespectful and this is coming from a guy. Stop looking for people to tell you that you're right, when you're very clearly wrong.

 

Grow up or face losing your girlfriend.

[New User]

I can't help but suspect that most of the posters on this thread would do a 180 on their positions if the genders were reversed.... Just call it a hunch.

I also can't help but suspect this is a wind up.

 

In the event that it isn't. Including your GF in earlier outings then excluding her completely.... I can't imagine any reason that would make anyone uncomfortable. And you banged this chick but don't think that your GF has picked up on any vibe between you two.....

[meebee33]

everyone has an opinion, and different genders will typically have clashing opinions - as seen on this post. and while i think my own opinion aligns with the majority of people here that the relationship OP + female friend have is highly inappropriate, especially given the fact he has withheld imperative details about his "friendship" with his gf (shady), and knows his gf is uncomfortable with the friendship (insensitive).. it's important that we try not to let our unsought opinions get in the way of what OP's original ask was.

 

his questions were simply: what's the difference between guy friends vs girl friends, and should he talk to her or wait until she brings it up.

 

...and this post was obviously a way to mention my opinion

[New User]

Ha - I flipped the genders specifically in my own response.

 

 

I said "most."

[pteromom]

Rather than wish she'd talk to you, why don't you talk to her? Tell her you notice that she calls you more when you are out with your female friend, and ask her if there is anything she wants to talk about.

 

I can see why she isn't talking to you about it. She doesn't want to come across as insecure or jealous. So she just doesn't bring it up and instead internalizes it.

 

But YOU see that she's having an issue, so start the conversation yourself.

[serial muse]

I can't help but suspect that most of the posters on this thread would do a 180 on their positions if the genders were reversed.... Just call it a hunch.

 

It's easy to ground-truth this - the issue has come up many times on LS with the genders reversed. What you say here isn't the fact, Jack.

[Phoe]

I personally have rarely had any issue with any boyfriend of mine having a good female friend. Only once did I ever have an issue and that was because there was extreme obvious flirting, lies, and eventual admission of cheating on me.

 

Even though I personally am fine with this kind of stuff, I can understand why she is uncomfortable, and she is not WRONG for being uncomfortable.

 

 

It's not like she's being controlling or unreasonable. She hasn't tried to stop them from hanging out, hasn't complained or anything, she obviously WANTS to try to trust him and let him have his time, but she simply cannot help it that she feels uncomfortable about this. She calls him up and tries to be casual just to ease her anxiety. I think she's being astonishingly reasonable about this whole situation.

 

 

OP, so far everything you've posted is about YOU. About how YOU feel. About what YOU want. About what YOU think you deserve. Not one iota of thought appears to be given to your girlfriend, not one bit of caring for her feelings. You've come here to complain about how you assume she feels rather than ask how you can make things better and compromise.

 

 

Your girlfriend has done nothing wrong.