Why is it that only "female" friends cause jealousy?

[nescafe1982]

But it would be kinda hypocritical of me, don't you think? we both haven't done the crap we used to do in a very long time.

 

No, it wouldn't be hypocritical of you to police your boundaries and protect your romantic relationships.

 

People can change... your BFF *can* change. But everything you've written here demonstrates to me that she has not changed, or at least has not changed enough.

 

What does come off as hypocritical is that you seem very concerned about being fair to everyone.. but that same concern leads you to be VERY unfair to your GF. This is just my opinion, but I think perhaps you're too focused on how you look rather than how you're acting towards this person you love.

[Summerslam]

Things couldn't have gone any better, I can't even believe I was obsessing over this. Before I even uttered a single word, she apologized for putting me in the middle of their fights, she said she talked to my friend again & they agreed to stay out of each other's throats.

 

I was right every.step.of.the.way, I can't believe I was second guessing my self, thank you everyone for your help anyway, believe it or not thinking the worst possible outcome was the likely scenario made things much better.

 

I'll stay here & post in other threads since the huge boulder is off my shoulders now.

[serial muse]

I was right every.step.of.the.way,

 

It's great that your girlfriend is absorbing all the heat on this for you...but the bolded seems to be going a bit far. How do you figure, exactly?

 

1)she's not down on you for having female friends (contrary to the thread title and opening post, which implied that - clearly based solely on your own fears)

2)she had a legit reason to mistrust this particular female friend of yours

3)you weren't up front about your past sexual relationship with this friend, and in fact denied vehemently that she could possibly know

4)you did cross a lot of other boundaries with this female friend that clearly made your GF uncomfortable, and you were pretty stubborn about reconsidering them, too

5)and yet she's willing to absorb it all and not ask you to do anything about any of it - in fact, she's apparently willing to take the blame for the whole shebang, which unfortunately isn't holding you accountable for your part in things the way you should be

 

What I'm taking away from reading everything you've written here is that, contrary to the worst fears of yourself and some others, your girlfriend is so far from dictating your actions and controlling you that she's willing to be unhappy for the sake of keeping the peace. I'd say you were pretty much wrong about everything.

 

But yeah, it's kind of a win-win for you I guess.

[nescafe1982]

It's great that your girlfriend is absorbing all the heat on this for you.

 

Ha! Couldn't have said it better myself. But that was what he wanted, right? Glad it "worked out" OP.

[Summerslam]

It's great that your girlfriend is absorbing all the heat on this for you...but the bolded seems to be going a bit far. How do you figure, exactly?

 

1)she's not down on you for having female friends (contrary to the thread title and opening post, which implied that - clearly based solely on your own fears)

2)she had a legit reason to mistrust this particular female friend of yours

3)you weren't up front about your past sexual relationship with this friend, and in fact denied vehemently that she could possibly know

4)you did cross a lot of other boundaries with this female friend that clearly made your GF uncomfortable, and you were pretty stubborn about reconsidering them, too

5)and yet she's willing to absorb it all and not ask you to do anything about any of it - in fact, she's apparently willing to take the blame for the whole shebang, which unfortunately isn't holding you accountable for your part in things the way you should be

 

What I'm taking away from reading everything you've written here is that, contrary to the worst fears of yourself and some others, your girlfriend is so far from dictating your actions and controlling you that she's willing to be unhappy for the sake of keeping the peace. I'd say you were pretty much wrong about everything.

 

But yeah, it's kind of a win-win for you I guess.

 

I already said in many of my posts that the time I spent with my friend was no problem & it was out of my GF's mouth, the problem was this particular friend, everyone here decided that there was some deeper meaning & that she didn't mean what she said, which I actually bought into.

 

Not that I don't appreciate everyone's help, I do & I'm thankful

 

EDIT: I just read the last part, why would she be unhappy?

Edited August 23, 2013 by Summerslam

[Els]

What I'm taking away from reading everything you've written here is that, contrary to the worst fears of yourself and some others, your girlfriend is so far from dictating your actions and controlling you that she's willing to be unhappy for the sake of keeping the peace. I'd say you were pretty much wrong about everything.

 

Ditto.

 

I really hope that one day you do wake up and become the man that such a woman deserves, and you both have a happy-ever-after.

 

Not holding my breath though.

[Els]

 

EDIT: I just read the last part, why would she be unhappy?

 

Oh for fug's sake.

 

You told her, "Don't call me until you sort things out with my friend." That pretty much means: Accept this girl and everything I'm choosing to do with her, or it's over.

 

She, the poor dear naive soul, chose the former.

 

Is it really that hard to comprehend?

[chicaD]

What's up with you hanging out with girl friends without her? Invite her along.

 

"Girl friendS"? He said girl FRIEND.

 

He hangs out with several guy friends, and when he hangs out with non-males, it's actually only one girl. Hence, the girlfriend is jealous.

[Summerslam]

She may have only apologized to keep the peace. She was tired of fighting or didn't want you to be mad at her. Been there, done that. It won't be long before she brings it up again. She can't possibly be happy with this situation/taking the blame for this situation.

 

But as long as you're happy...right?

 

Its been a few days & its the happiest she's ever been, she doesn't check up on me anymore, & she doesn't look uncomfortable when I talk about my friend, she actually listens enthusiastically.

 

Oh for fug's sake.

 

You told her, "Don't call me until you sort things out with my friend." That pretty much means: Accept this girl and everything I'm choosing to do with her, or it's over.

 

She, the poor dear naive soul, chose the former.

 

Is it really that hard to comprehend?

 

You got everything wrong here, She did call & tell me the whole story way earlier, & then I called her days later & invited her over, where she apologized.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Summer

 

Most posters were clear that they felt the situation was unbalanced, unfairly burdened your GF and gave priority to your BFF.

 

I think the posters are saying that you are very blessed to have people in your life who are willing to embrace your non traditional special relationship requirements.

 

You should cherish your GF cause you are unlikely to find another willing to tolerate your relationship investment with BFF (1-3 1:1 per week, sleepovers, being relationship confidant). I assume from what you said, you made no compromises?

 

Glad it worked for you.

[Benz5]

Personally, i don't think you should be going out with just a girl when you are 24 and a serious relationship.. if you are out with girls and guys its fine.. in a group.. there's no reason to have a one on one night with a girlfriend. she loves you, that's why she's possessive. i'm the same way with my boyfriend..

[Summerslam]

Summer

 

Most posters were clear that they felt the situation was unbalanced, unfairly burdened your GF and gave priority to your BFF.

 

I think the posters are saying that you are very blessed to have people in your life who are willing to embrace your non traditional special relationship requirements.

 

You should cherish your GF cause you are unlikely to find another willing to tolerate your relationship investment with BFF (1-3 1:1 per week, sleepovers, being relationship confidant). I assume from what you said, you made no compromises?

 

Glad it worked for you.

 

None of the women I've dated previously had any problem with our relationship.

 

Personally, i don't think you should be going out with just a girl when you are 24 and a serious relationship.. if you are out with girls and guys its fine.. in a group.. there's no reason to have a one on one night with a girlfriend. she loves you, that's why she's possessive. i'm the same way with my boyfriend..

 

Everybody has been saying that here & I have yet to hear a legitimate reason.

[orderandcalm]

Your mileage may vary here. But this is my experience.

 

Before I was 35 or so, I would have gone to the mat insisting that men and women can be platonic friends with no agendas. 15 years later, I feel differently. It's all about the maybe.

 

From my observations, MOST women are capable of having a completely platonic relationship with a straight man, and not welcoming further involvement if given the chance. From my observations, MOST men would never spend time with any woman platonically that they would NOT be open to becoming involved with, if given a chance. Again, this is my summary of my observations; but I've found many men and women who agree with this, based on their own experiences and observations.

 

If by chance your girlfriend feels this way, too, it would be only natural for her to behave differently when you have a night out with your male friends versus your female friend. How you negotiate that going forward will be interesting, but I will say that I don't think her feelings or actions are unreasonable or completely unfounded in *general*. Annoying to you, perhaps, but not batsh*t crazy.

 

Personally, I've always been of the mind that if I have a romantic relationship going, my relationship with my straight opposite-gender friends will naturally change. It sucked in a way, but I felt it was realistic; and if they found themselves in a romantic relationship, I naturally knew our relationship would be changing then, too. Didn't mean we weren't friends. But we didn't spend one-on-one time together in person any more, and phone calls were fewer and far between. In the end, *within the bounds of reason*, most people benefit by making the person they're sleeping with happy. Not any more complicated than that.

[yankees51988]

Dinner, movies, bars, video games, that's date-like activities? I do that with my male friends too, & I'm not gay.

 

Lol, right. Some people assume just going out doing normal things is a date if they are of the opposite sex. I don't think you are doing anything wrong. I have a big group of friends and we party all the time together, so I have a lot of close female friends- some I have hooked up with, others I haven't. Even with the ones I have hooked up with in the past I can go out to the bar and get wasted with them or hang out at their house without us trying to bang. Going out to dinner with someone doesn't mean it's a date, it means you are hungry.

 

I feel like a lot of the people on here are too far into the hopeless romantic side of things with these "emotional affairs", etc and saying guys and girls can't be friends. Maybe they are just older or something but at my age (23) guys and girls hang out together/alone together all the time. We just like to party and hang out, no reason why I shouldn't be able to do that just because my friend has a vagina instead of a dong.

 

If he was an "uncaring ass", like some of you are saying he would not be posting this concerned on a forum, he would be over at that chick's house railing her, but he is not so cut the dude some slack. It's crazy how controlling people can be before they have a reason to doubt the trust in the relationship. There is absolutely no difference between going out with my homeboy or one of my close lady friends. I see all of my good friends at least 2-3 times a week usually, including hanging out with women 1 on 1 and it is not a big deal. Some people need to stop being so old fashioned, guys and girls can be best friends without feelings, etc., even if they have had sex in the past, I do not see any reason for insecurity here. He hooked up with her in the past, so what? Everyone has a sexual past, and if you get all caught up on stupid **** like that how can you expect to honestly have a successful, happy relationship? The past is the past fellas, and guys and girls can be great friends.

[yankees51988]

Give me a break! The only men I know who are "friends" with women are "Nice" Guys who are trying to get out of the friendzone or insecure pansies who need constant female attention for low self-worth / validation and cheaters.

 

Sure, my friends and I are "friendly" with women but none of us are FRIENDS with them.

 

What man wants to talk to some woman about their new BF, what happened on Dancing With The Stars, the fight they had with their mother last week, what Sally said at the water-cooler at work today, hear about their new haircut and their new highlights, watch girly TV shows or movies, etc.

 

My relationship with the girl I am dating and with my Sisters is WAY MORE "girl time" than I can possibly want / need. Why would any man on earth want more?

 

 

 

Oh... I see. Relationships are not about to individual people working together as one to achieve common goals, share their lives together, grow, challenge and bring out the best in one another and do all that and MUCH MORE with thoughtfulness, kindness, tenderness, forgiveness, understanding, respect, consideration, compassion, love, etc?

 

It's two people seeing what they can get away with and constantly bouncing against or busting through the person you say you love, admire, respect, value, etc. boundaries.

 

 

 

Not sure what planet you live on or if you only pick up women through Craigslist or not... On my planet, most women I know DESTROY men in every way when it comes to compassion, empathy, understanding, thoughtfulness, mercy, compromise, etc.

 

 

 

Are you 6 foot 4, sculpted like a Greek God, Rich and packing some heat?

 

Based on your avatar... A girl accepting a date with you isn't getting everything she wants from day 1.

 

 

 

You go shopping every time she wants you too? You listen to everything she tells you about your GFs, her mother, her friend and her new BF? You read people magazine, Vogue and watch TMZ so you can talk about Pop Culture or Celebrity Gossip with her?

 

Do you actually think she enjoys giving you BJ or having sex with you every single time?

 

 

 

Why would you even consider dating Pure Evil / The Spawn of Satan... Women?

 

Believe it or not, even though you paint then entire female gender black... Those EVIL VILE CREATURES would still give you some tips on how to give an amazing BJ. Way I see it, switching teams is your only option unless you just enjoy being miserable and treated like crap.

 

Also, this post is just dumb. Lol, you are "friendly" with women but not friends with any. Yeah, because all chicks talk about is boys and make up. Uhhh, no maybe you need to hang out with cooler chicks. With my main homegirls we talk about how drunk we got last time we hung out, joke around, going to shows/music, traveling, etc. You know, the same exact **** you bs about with the boys. Hell, some of these girls can drink me under the table and are fun as hell to hang with! Yeah, all guys that hang out with women as friends are "nice guys" trying to get out of the friend zone or players, hahaha what a load of crap. Maybe a guy could already have a girl he is banging/dating but like hanging out with these chicks because they are fun, not bc you are trying to get in their pants? Ppl need to stop being so judgmental because of the parts in someones' pants and just view people as people, no reason a man-woman friendship can't be as deep and fun as hanging with your homeboy without having sex, lol.

 

"men and women cant be friends" and "only nice guys and players are really friends with chicks" are the most generalized, black and white, idiotic assumptions.

[Simon Phoenix]

Dinner, movies, bars, video games, that's date-like activities? I do that with my male friends too, & I'm not gay.

 

Lol, right. Some people assume just going out doing normal things is a date if they are of the opposite sex. I don't think you are doing anything wrong. I have a big group of friends and we party all the time together, so I have a lot of close female friends- some I have hooked up with, others I haven't. Even with the ones I have hooked up with in the past I can go out to the bar and get wasted with them or hang out at their house without us trying to bang. Going out to dinner with someone doesn't mean it's a date, it means you are hungry.

 

I feel like a lot of the people on here are too far into the hopeless romantic side of things with these "emotional affairs", etc and saying guys and girls can't be friends. Maybe they are just older or something but at my age (23) guys and girls hang out together/alone together all the time. We just like to party and hang out, no reason why I shouldn't be able to do that just because my friend has a vagina instead of a dong.

 

If he was an "uncaring ass", like some of you are saying he would not be posting this concerned on a forum, he would be over at that chick's house railing her, but he is not so cut the dude some slack. It's crazy how controlling people can be before they have a reason to doubt the trust in the relationship. There is absolutely no difference between going out with my homeboy or one of my close lady friends. I see all of my good friends at least 2-3 times a week usually, including hanging out with women 1 on 1 and it is not a big deal. Some people need to stop being so old fashioned, guys and girls can be best friends without feelings, etc., even if they have had sex in the past, I do not see any reason for insecurity here. He hooked up with her in the past, so what? Everyone has a sexual past, and if you get all caught up on stupid **** like that how can you expect to honestly have a successful, happy relationship? The past is the past fellas, and guys and girls can be great friends.

 

Do you have a girlfriend? If not, then your situation has nothing to do with the OP's at all. If the OP didn't have a girlfriend, he could hang out 1-on-1 with his female friend all he wanted.

[The Way I Am]

None of the women I've dated previously had any problem with our relationship.

 

And how are those previous relationships working out for you now?

 

X was fine in my failed relationship, so X should be fine in this one. Great approach.

[yankees51988]

Or maybe Y was here for me after my last heartbreaking relationship with another X, and I can tell her anything/be myself around her because we trust each other and are close friends, so I shouldn't kick her to the curb because X doesn't like her and if I do break up with X, Y is my friend and would be there for me like she always has...

[AMusing]

I know you have no motivation to listen to us or change your behavior, but keep in the back of your mind how very very few posters sided with you here. Just because your girlfriend is playing the doormat doesn't mean you are in the right here.

 

Its been a few days & its the happiest she's ever been, she doesn't check up on me anymore, & she doesn't look uncomfortable when I talk about my friend, she actually listens enthusiastically.

 

I dated someone a lot like you, in my doormat days. When my then-boyfriend would do something ****ty, I'd feel an immense amount of inner turmoil. I knew I should dump him for how he treated me, but I couldn't stand the idea of losing him. So I would figure out some way to blame myself (of course, like you, my ex was all too eager to help with the blame-shifting). Once I managed to trick myself into self-blame, I would feel euphoric. I didn't have to be angry at him anymore (because, hey, all of our relationship problems were MY fault, not his!), and I didn't have to face ending the relationship. I expect your girlfriend has similar feelings right now (whether she wants to admit it or not). To paraphrase an essay on the topic:

If our hope for a happy relationship lies in our partners’ hands, and they're not up to the task, then the situation truly is hopeless. And hopelessness is a far worse pain than self-blame.

Maybe they are just older or something [...]

 

Most of your post is nonsense to me, but you are right about the age difference. A lot of posters here are older than you and Summer, which means we tend to take our relationships far more seriously than most people in their early 20's do. With that in mind, we have learned that keeping ourselves out of risky or hurtful circumstances is worth sacrificing a little fun. We have learned to expect more from ourselves, and in turn expect more from our partners. We've advised Summer based on lessons we've learned when we were your age. That's neither old-fashioned nor romantic; it's being mature.

 

[...]even if they have had sex in the past, I do not see any reason for insecurity here.

He's already admitted that the friend is prettier and has more in common with him; this friend also helped to steal the girlfriend's past boyfriend to get revenge. Is it really insecurity, if the feelings are warranted?

[yankees51988]

I get the crossing boundaries line and all that, but I just completely disagree with the whole notion that men and women can't just be friends. Honestly at my age I think it is kind of strange for a guy to have no female friends, only other guys. A guy with no female friends should be just as much of a red flag as a guy with tons and tons of them, it is all about balance and hanging out with people you enjoy to be around and have fun with. There are 2 or 3 chicks I would say are some of my best friends, and a bunch others that I am very close with. These chicks are a blast to be around, and when I hang out with them I do the same stuff I do with my guy friends. I get in this scenario it is different because the girlfriend and other chick have a bad history, but normally I don't see how it's different for me to get a 12 pack and invite either Bill or Suzi over when I'm bored because I know either one will be much more fun to hang out with than by myself.

 

Guys my age that have absolutely no women friends they hang out with often have a problem communicating/finding common interests with the opposite sex, or get so caught up with every girl they are close to that they have to have a relationship/sex with them or something. Chicks aren't all about talking about boys and soap operas, tons of of them like to chug ****ty beer, go to concerts, hike and swim, etc. Same **** that you'd do with the boys just they are available, wanna hang out, are fun, and happen to have a vagina. That doesn't mean you can't bust on them, encourage them to take one too many shots, joke around and just chill the same way you would any male friend.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I get the crossing boundaries line and all that, but I just completely disagree with the whole notion that men and women can't just be friends. Honestly at my age I think it is kind of strange for a guy to have no female friends, only other guys. A guy with no female friends should be just as much of a red flag as a guy with tons and tons of them, it is all about balance and hanging out with people you enjoy to be around and have fun with. There are 2 or 3 chicks I would say are some of my best friends, and a bunch others that I am very close with. These chicks are a blast to be around, and when I hang out with them I do the same stuff I do with my guy friends. I get in this scenario it is different because the girlfriend and other chick have a bad history, but normally I don't see how it's different for me to get a 12 pack and invite either Bill or Suzi over when I'm bored because I know either one will be much more fun to hang out with than by myself.

 

Guys my age that have absolutely no women friends they hang out with often have a problem communicating/finding common interests with the opposite sex, or get so caught up with every girl they are close to that they have to have a relationship/sex with them or something. Chicks aren't all about talking about boys and soap operas, tons of of them like to chug ****ty beer, go to concerts, hike and swim, etc. Same **** that you'd do with the boys just they are available, wanna hang out, are fun, and happen to have a vagina. That doesn't mean you can't bust on them, encourage them to take one too many shots, joke around and just chill the same way you would any male friend.

 

I don't believe that most of us said there could be no opposite sex friendships, but that when in a committed relationship those friendships, in particular, have to change to prevent being a hindrance to the core relationship.

 

The rest of the arguments have been done to death on whether men and women can be friends. OPs argument on this thread was specifically that he was unwilling to make any accommodations to the core relationship for which the large majority indicated they felt that was a decision that would serve to be terminal for the relationship.

[freestyle]

OP

 

I went through a similar scenario to yours a few years ago, with my SO, and one of his female friends---

 

And my guy used to display a lot of the same attitudes....

 

I had NO problems whatsoever, with him having a female friend--

(in fact , I was looking forward to meeting her, after he described her)

 

First meeting happened-it left my head spinning.

She smiled & hugged me, exchanged pleasantries--

 

until my SO was out of earshot.

Then, the claws came out...

 

Subtly, at first--but by the end of the evening, there was no mistaking that she was a relationship saboteur. She tried to "lecture" me about my SO--coming from the lofty, I've-known-him-longer-than-you" position--and she tried to convince me that I was little more than a "booty call".

 

(guess she didn't know how much he & I had done together, he took me on expensive vacations, wined me & dined me...he was the 1st to say "I love you...")

 

She even pulled the "you'll never understand him the way *I* do" baloney...

She brought up his favorite hobby, and insinuated that I just "didn't get" how important it was to him, and therefore, I wasn't qualified to be with him.....

 

She wasn't aware that I did the 'hobby' professionally, so I had fun correcting her about that. Oh, the look on her face....

 

I kept my mouth shut about it at first---my gut told me she was trying to provoke me into a reaction, to drive a wedge between my SO & I.

So, I didn't play her game.

 

 

 

I waited, and observed........I knew she was setting me up, and if I showed jealousy, it would be used against me.

 

(maybe that's what was happening when your gf was 'quiet" the first few times you tried to hang out with her. I'm guessing her head was spinning, especially considering there had been a history between her & your "friend".)

 

 

 

 

And sure enough, when I tried talking with him about it--he tried to blameshift onto me--

 

I must be too jealous/insecure/feeling threatened/....

 

(even though I'd never displayed ANY of those traits in our first year of being a couple) (in fact, I think I was ultra-cool, regarding opposite-sex friendships...

 

And why didn't I trust him? (boo-hoo, poor him)

 

What, I can't have any friends?

(puuuh-leeeeze)

 

And--I'd bet cash money--that those notions about me--

were planted in his ear by her.

 

I very nearly left him over this, because he was being so stubbornly obtuse about it.

 

 

I asked him if she'd told him about the kind of things she'd said to me..

It was news to him.

 

Then I pointed out:

 

What kind of friend pulls your SO to the side like that, and keeps it from you?

 

How much respect was she showing for HIS choice to be with me?

 

It came up in conversation that this "friend" had tipped him off about something his exgf had said about him behind his back. In that scenario--she was buddy-buddy with my SO's then girlfriend.

 

Enough that the gf felt safe to confide in her, and vent about some of the relationship issues.

 

*whoops*

 

The saboteur friend was playing both end against the middle--she ran and tattled to my SO...and it played a part in the break-up with that girlfriend.

 

When I also pointed that out, the light bulb FINALLY came on in my SO's head.

 

 

OP---what some men might not realize---there's a certain breed of women who play these insidious mind games as a way of life.

 

They pull these Machiavellian maneuvers behind the scenes, to

maintain a "fan club" of male friends on their shelf.........

 

They have an almost pathological need to compete with, and "best" other women---to prop up their self-esteem. A lot of times they aren't really interested in "winning" the guy, because they have feelings for him, it's more about the competition.

 

In some cases, they move on to a new "target" once they've succeeded in breaking up the relationship.

 

If you learn to see the signs early, with female friends--you will have happier relationships.

 

Any female friend who isn't treating your girlfriend with respect, and warmth........(unless you have an genuinely abusive gf) is going to cause unnecessary friction in your romantic life.

 

Think long & hard about whether you want to keep repeating this dynamic throughout your life.

[The Way I Am]

And how are those previous relationships working out for you now?

 

X was fine in my failed relationship, so X should be fine in this one. Great approach.

 

Or maybe Y was here for me after my last heartbreaking relationship with another X, and I can tell her anything/be myself around her because we trust each other and are close friends, so I shouldn't kick her to the curb because X doesn't like her and if I do break up with X, Y is my friend and would be there for me like she always has...

 

The X I was referring to is not necessarily a person. It is any element, but you apparently missed the point. Just because something was fine in a previous relationship isn't a reason for it to be fine in another relationship. In some cases, something that was supposedly "fine" may even be what caused previous relationships not to work out.

 

Like if you and your ex both did coke. Now you started dating a sober, mentally healthy girl, and expect her to be okay with you doing coke, because your ex was okay with it. It's fine if you want to keep doing drugs, just don't expect to date anybody but coke heads. Just like OP's unhealthy relationship with his friend. It's fine if he wants to only date girls who are okay with their boyfriend spending that much personal alone time with a woman he slept with. He just shouldn't expect to date women who are emotionally stable and have healthy boundaries.

Edited August 27, 2013 by The Way I Am

[Lixxy]

Okay, speaking as a female with jealousy issues and a boyfriend with a female friend with whom he was previously romantically involved with to some extent, I can safely say that many of these responses make me feel all kinds of sick...

 

 

 

 

Wow just wow....I am going to translate what you just said into GIRL...

 

I mean, seriously?

 

Thanks for having half the population down as needing this special language that needs to be translated "into GIRL"... SMH. And people say that what our OP is doing is disrespectful. Not everyone with tits and a vagina are all the same. We don't all think the same way... I'm stunned I actually need to say this. It's just so disgustingly offensive.

 

Him seeing a movie with this female friend is no more of a "date" than it would be if he were watching a movie with a male friend.

It doesn't mean anything. A "date" is an event with the intention of possibly becoming romantically involved with someone. I swear the people that come out with this know exactly what's wrong with it, but they just want to stir crap.

 

Also remarking that he's "enjoying this"? Yeah, I see ZERO sign of that.

Those who are enjoying a bitter, personal vendetta against Summer and using HIS personal life as a means of getting atop a high horse of sanctimoniousness are those who are enjoying this far, far too much.

 

 

 

 

In my opinion, this topic is just another example of the male having to be the mind-reader whilst his girlfriend sulks about something he's supposed to know exactly how to react to.

 

There is nothing fundamentally wrong with having a female friend.

There should be nothing wrong with having a partner with a friend he was previously involved with, if he is no longer interested in pursuing her - which he has made clear countless times, but other people keep telling him (?!) isn't the case.

 

This entire problem should be completely workable unless someone wants to just have dominion over who someone interacts with.

 

That isn't love to me. It might be for someone else, fair enough. But if my partner finds pleasure in the company of another female who he may have had feelings for in the past, or whatever, his spending time with her doesn't necessarily mean that he wants to screw her brains out, or that he values her over me, and he has the very basic right to friendships.

 

If I take his word that he doesn't want anything romantic or sexual to do with her anymore, I am going to trust him, because he has never given me reason not to.

 

If our OP hasn't given his girlfriend a reason to mistrust him as a person, then the problem lays with her and her own insecurity issues from a place that isn't anything to do with him, so why should HE face the consequences of a problem that he has had no part in forming? This makes no logical sense.

 

And yet, the lengths some people are going to here to make Summer feel guilty, shameful, like an awful boyfriend and a dreadful person and the scum of the Earth is shocking.

 

He pretty clearly wanted to keep both of them. That isn't putting his friend before his girlfriend. But let's say he did ditch a friend for his girlfriend. That isn't completely the case: He would be ditching this friend because of his girlfriends insecurity. So then one would assume that every new female he interacts with needs to first get past his girlfriends "insecurity barometer", which is having some serious dominion and say over his life and right to friends.

 

This issue would much better be solved by having a serious, calm discussion between Summer and his girlfriend and just trying to get to the bottom of why she feels this insecurity, where it came from, and perhaps even engaging in some form of counselling or therapy to help her trust him again.

 

If someone has issues with jealousy, trust, insecurity, etc.. it's up to THEM to speak to their partner about this and try to resolve the problem together.

Edited August 27, 2013 by Lixxy

[serial muse]

Okay, speaking as a female with jealousy issues and a boyfriend with a female friend with whom he was previously romantically involved with to some extent, I can safely say that many of these responses make me feel all kinds of sick...

 

 

 

 

 

 

I mean, seriously?

 

Thanks for having half the population down as needing this special language that needs to be translated "into GIRL"... SMH. And people say that what our OP is doing is disrespectful. Not everyone with tits and a vagina are all the same. We don't all think the same way... I'm stunned I actually need to say this. It's just so disgustingly offensive.

 

Him seeing a movie with this female friend is no more of a "date" than it would be if he were watching a movie with a male friend.

It doesn't mean anything. A "date" is an event with the intention of possibly becoming romantically involved with someone. I swear the people that come out with this know exactly what's wrong with it, but they just want to stir crap.

 

Also remarking that he's "enjoying this"? Yeah, I see ZERO sign of that.

Those who are enjoying a bitter, personal vendetta against Summer and using HIS personal life as a means of getting atop a high horse of sanctimoniousness are those who are enjoying this far, far too much.

 

 

 

 

In my opinion, this topic is just another example of the male having to be the mind-reader whilst his girlfriend sulks about something he's supposed to know exactly how to react to.

 

There is nothing fundamentally wrong with having a female friend.

There should be nothing wrong with having a partner with a friend he was previously involved with, if he is no longer interested in pursuing her - which he has made clear countless times, but other people keep telling him (?!) isn't the case.

 

This entire problem should be completely workable unless someone wants to just have dominion over who someone interacts with.

 

That isn't love to me. It might be for someone else, fair enough. But if my partner finds pleasure in the company of another female who he may have had feelings for in the past, or whatever, his spending time with her doesn't necessarily mean that he wants to screw her brains out, or that he values her over me, and he has the very basic right to friendships.

 

If I take his word that he doesn't want anything romantic or sexual to do with her anymore, I am going to trust him, because he has never given me reason not to.

 

If our OP hasn't given his girlfriend a reason to mistrust him as a person, then the problem lays with her and her own insecurity issues from a place that isn't anything to do with him, so why should HE face the consequences of a problem that he has had no part in forming? This makes no logical sense.

 

And yet, the lengths some people are going to here to make Summer feel guilty, shameful, like an awful boyfriend and a dreadful person and the scum of the Earth is shocking.

 

He pretty clearly wanted to keep both of them. That isn't putting his friend before his girlfriend. But let's say he did ditch a friend for his girlfriend. That isn't completely the case: He would be ditching this friend because of his girlfriends insecurity. So then one would assume that every new female he interacts with needs to first get past his girlfriends "insecurity barometer", which is having some serious dominion and say over his life and right to friends.

 

This issue would much better be solved by having a serious, calm discussion between Summer and his girlfriend and just trying to get to the bottom of why she feels this insecurity, where it came from, and perhaps even engaging in some form of counselling or therapy to help her trust him again.

 

If someone has issues with jealousy, trust, insecurity, etc.. it's up to THEM to speak to their partner about this and try to resolve the problem together.

 

Again...if you read the whole thread, you'll see that the vast majority of posters are NOT saying that he shouldn't have female friends. In fact, the very fact that he titled his thread that way is misleading and automatically paints the GF in a bad light - because that was never the real issue. Frankly, I think that was intentional on the OP's part. He made it the issue because it's easier to defend. AKA a straw man. That's what you're defending too.

 

It's this specific female friend who was the issue. I won't go through it again, but there were plenty of things specific to her, and ways that the OP was basically placing all the onus on the GF, that many of the respondents were uncomfortable with and called him out on. For all the good it did. Whatever.