Why is it that only "female" friends cause jealousy?

[Els]

Again...if you read the whole thread, you'll see that the vast majority of posters are NOT saying that he shouldn't have female friends. In fact, the very fact that he titled his thread that way is misleading and automatically paints the GF in a bad light - because that was never the real issue. Frankly, I think that was intentional on the OP's part. He made it the issue because it's easier to defend. AKA a straw man. That's what you're defending too.

 

It's this specific female friend who was the issue. I won't go through it again, but there were plenty of things specific to her, and ways that the OP was basically placing all the onus on the GF, that many of the respondents were uncomfortable with and called him out on. For all the good it did. Whatever.

 

Not to mention that many of us AREN'T exempting the gf of all accountability. I personally think that she should have asserted her boundaries better, and not agreed to things that she wasn't actually comfortable with just to appease her bf.

 

Unfortunately, none of us have any way to talk to her, so we're stuck with the OP.

 

Personally, I'm just giving this thread the double facepalm and moving on.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Okay, speaking as a female with jealousy issues and a boyfriend with a female friend with whom he was previously romantically involved with to some extent, I can safely say that many of these responses make me feel all kinds of sick...

 

I mean, seriously?

 

Thanks for having half the population down as needing this special language that needs to be translated "into GIRL"... SMH. And people say that what our OP is doing is disrespectful. Not everyone with tits and a vagina are all the same. We don't all think the same way... I'm stunned I actually need to say this. It's just so disgustingly offensive.

 

I am sorry my posts to the OP offended you.

 

They were written specifically for him, in his situation and no other.

 

In my defense, although I don't need to defend myself. I am a girl. I have raised a girl, have a sister, a bunch of nieces and friends.

 

I also have raised a boy, all of his friends, teammates, several nephews and a ton of male friends in my lifetime, and I have been married a long time. Again, enough qualification to know that, if they are honest, boys think differently than girls and they don't understand they way women think.

 

This situation is not all that unusual really. I am happy for you that your approach maintains a happy committed relationship for both of you. But for most of the rest of us, this kind of a relationship wouldn't work or last.

 

And by the way, I am as qualified as the next anonymous poster to have an opinion and you can disagree. Sorry this made you sick, take some TUMS..

[Lixxy]

 

In my defense, although I don't need to defend myself. I am a girl. I have raised a girl, have a sister, a bunch of nieces and friends.

 

I also have raised a boy, all of his friends, teammates, several nephews and a ton of male friends in my lifetime, and I have been married a long time. Again, enough qualification to know that, if they are honest, boys think differently than girls and they don't understand they way women think.

 

 

And by the way, I am as qualified as the next anonymous poster to have an opinion and you can disagree. Sorry this made you sick, take some TUMS..

 

You're qualified to have an opinion, sure.

 

What you're NOT qualified for, however, is to speak on behalf of all women and "translate" because you yourself are one, had one, had a boy, and know some others. Nah.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

You're qualified to have an opinion, sure.

 

What you're NOT qualified for, however, is to speak on behalf of all women and "translate" because you yourself are one, had one, had a boy, and know some others. Nah.

 

Whatever makes you happy.

[Lixxy]

Whatever makes you happy.

 

Could you be any more completely and utterly obnoxious?

 

You don't represent all of woman-kind, so translating for them is completely ridiculous.

[Els]

Could you be any more completely and utterly obnoxious?

 

You don't represent all of woman-kind, so translating for them is completely ridiculous.

 

I think you're reading way too much into his/her phrase. Lots of people use the terms guy-talk and girl-talk, and I'm pretty sure that not all of them are arrogant enough to think that they speak for ALL of man/womankind.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Could you be any more completely and utterly obnoxious?

 

You don't represent all of woman-kind, so translating for them is completely ridiculous.

 

I don't believe I said anywhere that all women or all men are alike, or think the same or any such thing. I referred to this specific topic where he was asking about why this one friend might be an issue.

 

This topic was not about or for you. Your relationship works, you are all happy you don't have any issues or problems. You manage your own jealousy and you did not come for advice.

 

But yet you seem awfully hostile...do you want to explore why that is? Are you just normally combative or does somehow the advice i gave to another person so offend you in a personal way?

 

You have every right to disagree with me, I am not offended by that, but I do think calling me names is less than sporting.

 

You do realize you can block me if that helps you.

 

As I said. Whatever makes you happy.

[yankees51988]

A lot of you guys must be really crappy friends if you can just let a close friend go because your girlfriend does not like her. I don't know about you guys but I am very loyal to my friends and family. I would not cut out someone who was important to my life for such a petty reason, it is not right and if you do so you were not really "friends" in the first place. Friends are always there for each other, not like a baseball card that can be traded away for a girlfriend. Especially when you are the TC's age, nobody should expect you to cut off a relationship with someone important to you because of insecurity. The friend was here supporting you before the girlfriend, and often times they are the ones supporting you when you and her break up.

 

I have had girls that had problems with my friends and I in fact did stop hanging out with them once for her. Even after months of not really hanging out when we broke up and I came crawling back to my friends it was like nothing changed between us- friends should be there for each other no matter what, and that involves not kicking them to the curb for something they can't control/is completely normal and acceptable.

[The Way I Am]

A lot of you guys must be really crappy friends if you can just let a close friend go because your girlfriend does not like her. I don't know about you guys but I am very loyal to my friends and family. I would not cut out someone who was important to my life for such a petty reason, it is not right and if you do so you were not really "friends" in the first place. Friends are always there for each other, not like a baseball card that can be traded away for a girlfriend. Especially when you are the TC's age, nobody should expect you to cut off a relationship with someone important to you because of insecurity. The friend was here supporting you before the girlfriend, and often times they are the ones supporting you when you and her break up.

 

I have had girls that had problems with my friends and I in fact did stop hanging out with them once for her. Even after months of not really hanging out when we broke up and I came crawling back to my friends it was like nothing changed between us- friends should be there for each other no matter what, and that involves not kicking them to the curb for something they can't control/is completely normal and acceptable.

 

Friends also don't stand in the way of their friend's happiness. I have a guy friend I used to spend a lot of time with. We'd go out jogging at least once or twice a week then pick up food and drink a beer afterward. I had zero interest in him as a partner, but we had been on a date in the past and he'd asked me out a couple times since. He started dating a girl that he considered to be too clingy. Other than his slight paranoia about her, to me, she seemed really great and much better than the women he had been chasing who played games. When I met her, she didn't seem overly thrilled with me, and we didn't seem to have much rapport. As he got more involved with her, I was perfectly fine with letting the time he and I spent together dwindle. I didn't make a fuss about him not being a good friend.

 

It's been a few years, and I only see them occasionally. They've been married for a couple months, and when I've talked to him about her, it's obvious he's never been happier in his life. It would have been really stupid for him to hold on so strongly to a friendship with me when that friendship could never have made him this happy. And it would have been really sh*tty of me to try to occupy his time that was better spent on his relationship or getting mad at him for "not being a good friend".

 

Edit: Actually, I've lost track of time. I think they've been married over a year and started dating somewhere between 3-5 years ago.

Edited August 27, 2013 by The Way I Am

[freestyle]

Friends also don't stand in the way of their friend's happiness.

It's been a few years, and I only see them occasionally. They've been married for a couple months, and when I've talked to him about her, it's obvious he's never been happier in his life. It would have been really stupid for him to hold on so strongly to a friendship with me when that friendship could never have made him this happy.

 

 

And it would have been really sh*tty of me to try to occupy his time that was better spent on his relationship or getting mad at him for "not being a good friend".

 

 

I think your POV is mature, and balanced.

 

There's a lot of truth to the parts which I have bolded.

 

I have a handful of OS (opposite sex) friends, too.

Whenever one of my male friends would get into a relationship, or start dating, I made sure the new woman in his life had nothing to fear from me.

 

Whatsoever. If we all hung out together, I'd make a point of including her in the conversations, and stayed away from those "trips down memory lane" that would have naturally made her feel left out.....It's not cool.

 

I also realized that I would no longer have priority status, and accepted it graciously---it's part of maturing. As we get older, and our priorities change to being more focused on family, and our primary relationships---socializing needs to come second.

 

 

Friends who make unrealistic demands, or try to lay guilt trips on a friend for being less available after becoming involved romantically, are being self-serving. They're not supporting their friend's happiness.

[yankees51988]

There is a difference between being less available and completely giving up a friendship with someone.

[AMusing]

There is a difference between being less available and completely giving up a friendship with someone.

 

Uh... yeah... That's why nearly all the posters you think you're arguing against have advocated compromise about this friendship, not "abandoning" it entirely.

[nescafe1982]

There is a difference between being less available and completely giving up a friendship with someone.

 

Yes, but the point is that OP's friend is doing the opposite of yielding space to his GF. She's getting aggressively territorial, and OP either refused to see it or refused to put a new boundary in place himself.

 

A good friend strives to become a "friend of the relationship" when a new romance buds. Someone that doesn't roll with changes in circumstances makes you wonder what their intentions are.

[freestyle]

Yes, but the point is that OP's friend is doing the opposite of yielding space to his GF. She's getting aggressively territorial, and OP either refused to see it or refused to put a new boundary in place himself.

 

A good friend strives to become a "friend of the relationship" when a new romance buds. Someone that doesn't roll with changes in circumstances makes you wonder what their intentions are.

 

The "friend" also has an established history of attempting to sabotage his girlfriend's relationships.

 

This should be a no-brainer.

[Simon Phoenix]

A lot of you guys must be really crappy friends if you can just let a close friend go because your girlfriend does not like her. I don't know about you guys but I am very loyal to my friends and family. I would not cut out someone who was important to my life for such a petty reason, it is not right and if you do so you were not really "friends" in the first place. Friends are always there for each other, not like a baseball card that can be traded away for a girlfriend. Especially when you are the TC's age, nobody should expect you to cut off a relationship with someone important to you because of insecurity. The friend was here supporting you before the girlfriend, and often times they are the ones supporting you when you and her break up.

 

I have had girls that had problems with my friends and I in fact did stop hanging out with them once for her. Even after months of not really hanging out when we broke up and I came crawling back to my friends it was like nothing changed between us- friends should be there for each other no matter what, and that involves not kicking them to the curb for something they can't control/is completely normal and acceptable.

 

I don't think you've actually read this thread.