A separation worth of a soap award!

[Porridge]

Well it’s been a crazy couple of months! Sorry for the long post but this would probably make for an episode of Dynasty!......

 

I wrote about our split previously. To summarise, she was acting distant for a while (although she wasn’t having an affair as she was around nearly all the time) then eventually said she wanted out of the relationship. It was a tough time because I knew the relationship had died, but I struggled with not seeing my children every day.

 

Anyway, the events! She took a job in March as a carer for a disabled lady. Not being one to last five minutes in a job, it came as no surprise that by June, she was failing to turn up for work. She explained to me that she was resigning and this was around the time she asked to separate.

 

In early July I received a knock at the door. It was from the disabled lady’s husband who dealt with the ex’s employment. He wanted to talk to her. I explained that she moved out a week earlier and he acted surprised. He then explained what had in fact happened over the past couple of months:

 

 

1. She kept promising to go back to work and was still doing so, but wasn’t turning up. 2. 2. They had lent her approximately £1,000 (appx $1,500) for various things where she claimed a desperate need. These included:

i. Money for a motorcycle to give her independence. I knew about this but she said they bought it for her as a gift.

ii. She’d told them I’d kicked her out of the matrimonial home and she’d been abandoned on the streets. They funded her money to get a bedsit.

iii. She told them that I’d refused them access to the children and that she was involved in a bitter custody battle for them. She then explained that she had legal fees to pay and if she didn’t settle them, she’d lose the children. They paid for these ‘legal fees’.

3. 3. She told them that I was domestically violent and had fractured her arm.

4. 4. She said I was having an affair and the new woman was living in our home with the kids

5. 5. She said that my grandmother had died to excuse herself from work.

6. 6. She claimed our son had suspected meningitis and was in hospital.

 

All of this was complete fantasy and lies. She was in fact in the house acting bizarrely for some time. There was no tension, just indifference most of the time.

 

The gentleman was shocked by the revelations and obviously upset that they’d given her money in good faith, yet been duped all along. I was also angry at several things but the claim of our son having meningitis particularly annoyed me. So I sent her a text telling her in no uncertain terms that she was an utter disgrace. There were no threats, no profanities, just an articulate message condemning her actions.

 

About ten days later a man came to the door giving me court papers. I thought it was a bit extreme for a divorce but it wasn’t. The ex had applied for an injunction (referred to as a non-molestation order in the UK). She had written in her statement that I was manipulating, had controlled her for nine years and was harassing her. It was all total lies and just an attempt to stop me confronting her for her recent actions.

 

Four days later I was in court. Luckily for me, I have family with contacts in the legal profession and had a good lawyer with me. The prosecution asked me to accept an ‘undertaking’ (i.e a promise without an official order) to leave her alone. I said no and that I intend to defend it robustly. I have plenty of proof to show that she is merely trying to hide from her recent actions.

 

Court is now scheduled for 28th August. Unless she withdraws, which she might. It’s on for now, anyway.

 

Next, the disabled lady’s husband comes to see me again. They have around £3,000 worth of jewellery stolen and my ex is the only other person that had been in the house. They’ve reported it to police and the police have visited the ex. She denies any knowledge of it and the police said it’s harder to do much more without proof. But then they asked me if I had any knowledge of new jewellery or sales etc, then it dawned on me…………

 

About one month into her employment (we were still together), we were shopping in town one day and the ex asked to stop in a pawn brokers. She explained that her employer had asked her to see what she could get for some pieces of jewellery. I remember him inspecting about 10 small items and saying they weren’t worth a great deal. She got about £20 for them ($30).

 

But then there was another regular event. There was a jewellers closer to our home and the ex would regularly ask to be taken there. I asked her on the second occasion why she was going in, and she bluntly responded ‘never you mind’. On the third time I became more persistent and she turned aggressively and said, ‘I was paying instalments to buy you a new wedding ring (mine had been missing for some time) but now you’ve ruined the surprise with your constant nosing’.

 

I thought no more of it until the police asked questions. Since then they’ve asked the jeweller got details and whilst they are keeping very coy on knowing the ex, they have confirmed that they don’t accept part instalments and that they have never sold a ring in such a fashion.

 

So two days ago I had to go to the police and give a statement against my ex – the mother of my two children and the person I’ve spent many years with. It is highly likely this will now go to court.

 

The whole separation now makes sense. She’d been stealing from this poor disabled woman, had cleared all her jewellery out, knew that it was only a matter of time before it was spotted, stopped going in, then also knew that I might found out and therefore ran from me as well.

 

I’m completely disgusted. She is so horribly malicious and without any moral compass whatsoever. I feel truly ashamed on so many levels to be associated with her.

 

Yes, she has mental health problems. Yes, she’s acting very strange now and is no doubt in a bad place. But after nine years of attempted support and understanding, my time is done. I truly believed that progress was being made as she matured. Now I find she was committing the most disgraceful acts in our whole time together.

 

And finally? Well – despite my complete contempt, I have to remain positive for the sake of the children. She has a history of running away and I don’t want to fuel that, so it’s now a game of keeping her settled purely so she doesn’t try to run off with the kids.

 

And before anyone mentions custody – don’t worry. That’s on the radar and it’s something which we’re monitoring very closely!

[Tiberius]

Before she knows it she will be old and noone will care how independent she is with her motorcycle.

[GorillaTheater]

Enough is, eventually, enough. I don't have a word of advice, because you're doing great. I'm sure this is very difficult, but you're handling things as well as could possibly be expected.

 

How are the kids taking all of this?

[Porridge]

How are the kids taking all of this?

 

The kids are blisfully unaware, and that's how I intend to keep it. I put on the friendly mummy and daddy act just for them. Saying that, she's already had some bloke that she picked up from Plenty of Fish staying over there within less than a month of moving out. I explained that whilst she can do as she pleases, it's not fair to bring people in so soon, especially to stay for several days, when the children are still trying to adapt to a new environment.

 

Incidentally, the bloke is no more (he didn't even last the week). She's now scouring the internet for the next victim but i'm making it clear that I won't tolerate her house becoming like some sort of brothel. If she's on her own? Sure - knock youself out. When my kids are in the house? You put them first, not what sits between your legs.

 

I actually have the children in a few hours until Sunday and cannot wait. Sunday is always a little sad because we all want to stay together and the kids don't want to go back. As I said though, i'm just keeping a close obsevation of things at the moment. She hasn't been arrested yet so s**t is about to hit the fan!

[GorillaTheater]

I know next to nothing about UK law, but around here a documented history of mental health issues and an arrest record (again, a felony here given the value of the stolen jewelry) would be like Christmas when it came to determining custody. I hope you'll have a similar advantage.

[Porridge]

I know next to nothing about UK law, but around here a documented history of mental health issues and an arrest record (again, a felony here given the value of the stolen jewelry) would be like Christmas when it came to determining custody. I hope you'll have a similar advantage.

 

I try to look at the big picture. The woman is a whacko, she's all over the place. She's selfish, she lacks compassion or understanding for the fellow man, yet she can act like the most endearing and humble person you'll ever meet.

 

Yet that said, I recognise that outside of the general nuttery, she loves the children unconditionally, she looks after them, and she does very well for them.

 

My thoughts don't centre about whether she practically cares for them because I know she does, and she does it well. My concerns are about whether she cares for herself sufficiently and whether she is a suitable role model for the children. This time, right now, the events are entering the children's brains and will create a blueprint for their perspectives for the rest of their lives. I'm very aware of that and talk to them a lot to gage what's going on in their mind.

 

It's difficult because she isn't a neglecting mother and she would move heaven and earth for them. But she's reckless and her mental health issues can cause problems for others. For example, blaming others for her own inner issues. The kids don't deserve that and i'm very watchful to see if they do become affected.

[Chixmom]

It's so difficult to deal with the break up, let alone all of the crimes she committed to other people. All I can say is I feel for you.

 

Children can be resilient and see through lies and deception. Stay consistent with your words and actions in front of them so they will learn your morals and not hers.

 

You sound very intelligent with the types of concerns for them and how you are keeping track of their thoughts.

Edited August 16, 2013 by Chixmom

[Oberfeldwebel]

I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation. It has to be almost surreal to see an individual that you had invested hopes and dreams to be reduced to the present situation. Still you are doing remarkably well under the circumstances. The children have to remain your main focus, she has become her own worst enemy. Take care of the legal side of things and plan for your future with your children.

[Porridge]

I appreciate the kind comments. It's tough to get on with your own life whilst also watching how your ex is affecting your kids. The most important thing is to be calm and not get emotionally charged about things.

 

Just as an update, the ex got arrested last night. Much to our surprise, she cracked under pressure and confessed to everything. Further attendance at the police station is required next week, followed by a court date. We're told she won't get much of a punishment but to be honest I don't want her to rot, I want her to find compassion and understand right from wrong.