just need to moan to strangers. sorry

[LosingDirection]

Hi. New here. I come in desperation, and frustration. I am here because I need to talk to strangers, I am so afraid of revealing my true feelings to people I know and who care for me, even though they know I'm not happy. I tell them it's because I feel tired all the time, or because I'm depressed, and they say 'oh dear, you know where I am' etc etc, but I think they know the real reasons which are simple... I'm just so damned lonely, and miss the touch and feel of a woman so badly.

 

I met a woman a few weeks ago, outside a pub. We got chatting and she asked me for her number, and as I am new to the area told me I should go out with her on Saturday night, and she seemed dead keen and told me to look her up on Facebook... but I couldn't find her, and I suspect because I didn't add her up she's not rang. I dunno.

 

A few months previous I split up with someone I cared for so much, someone I would have done anything for, her and her young son, but nothing seemed good enough for her. That was after I had put up with all sorts of rubbish, including her stealing and lying to me to feed her cocaine habit, which we were dealing with together as I tried to help her withdraw slowly over a few months and we had some success, but it all turned sour. I don't know why. I know she didn't want a relationship, as she told me, or that she 'wasn't' ready (as her last relationship had been awful for her) so I waited and waited, and tried and tried...and eventually she dumped me.

 

I was gutted. I still am. I've had a few relationships where I have been so in love, and it's just not worked, and it happens over and over and now I'm 45 and you know what? It's beginning to kill me slowly... I've become a recluse, I hardly go out, I don't like to socialise and end up staying in on my own and just, I dunno... wasting time... thinking about what I want, and how I can get it. I see other men, with their wives and girlfriends, and just think to myself why? What is so hard about finding someone to spend your days with?

 

I've lost all confidence in myself, I feel depressed a lot, and the only thing that seems to make me smile is my young daughter who's Mum I feel sorry for and care a lot for because she gave me such a beautiful little girl, and wish I could love her Mum in the way I want to love someone....I know what it feels like, and how good it can be, and I know I could never have that with her Mum (it was my decision initially...I ended it because I realised she wasn't what I wanted in someone - that was after she got pregnant.) Perhaps this is karma. Perhaps I deserve this. I'm not a bad person, I just know what I want, and what I feel will make me happy.

 

moan moan moan

Edited August 16, 2013 by LosingDirection

[Balzac]

Welcome to LS. This is the place to vent. I'm not quite sure if you are looking for suggestions or more that you're seeking validation and sympathy about depression and socially withdrawing??

 

Loneliness is not fun. That's a fact.

[LosingDirection]

I don't really know either. I feel protected from any more hurt I guess, by 'socially withdrawing'. Do I want validation? Not at all. I'm desperately sad, and yeah, bloody lonely. I don't really know what I am doing here to be perfectly honest, or what I want. I'm just sitting here looking out of the window and thinking 'what the hell am I going to do?' I spend my days hoping I'll meet the person of 'my dreams' and I'm just losing direction. The idea of 'singles nights' almost sickens me, and online dating ??? been there, done it, hate it. I guess I just wish I was someone else, someone happy, someone normal. Usual rubbish. Yeah you're right, random stranger, I don't know what I'm doing here either.

[atomicdog]

You need someone in your life you can be open with.

 

You should tell at least one of your friends the truth about why you're feeling depressed. Just telling them will help you emotionally, and they might also offer suggestions.

 

If you don't think your friends want to hear that, then maybe you either need new friends, or you need to do some good deeds for your current friends, so that in exchange, they'll feel willing to do you a good turn, by helping you out with your problems.

 

Also you could get a therapist. I had one for a few weeks. Definitely helped, though she didn't really address my issues. But at least I could vent to someone.