Broken dreams and guilt prevent me from moving on

[Starbright25]

Hi, I am 31 and I was married since Sept 2010 and recently annulled due to his computer games addiction in June 2013. I invested a lot as I got my dream wedding, and built a comfortable home. My former spouse was at first nice, loyal, shy, quiet, accommodating when we dated for 2 years. However, we didn't live together for me to find out he secretly concealed computer games addiction until after the wedding my mom bought a marital home (studio apt) for us to move in to. I always wondered why he wasn't available much while dating esp. with phone calls or presence while we were dating, I simply brushed it off when he explained he was busy doing laundry or what not.

 

First year, he gamed nearly 20 hrs day till 6am b/c he collected benefits. Sometimes he wouldn't shower for 2 weeks at a time. I cooked and he ate at his desk, cleaned and stood by his side asking him to communicate or engage with me or go out but it was a struggle and he constantly would throw tantrums like a man child if I interrupt his gaming sessions. I stayed in with him or occupied myself with hobbies outside. I was simply going through the motions of life b/c of the routine of staring at 4 walls everyday as he gamed. I cried myself to sleep hearing his keyboard banging everyday. He also gambled, one time I drove for 4 days looking for him at 4 different casinos from NYC. We also bought a puppy and she has saved my life to an extent bc she allowed me care for her and she gave me some attention. My mom asked former spouse to help at her retail store in his free time while he was collecting benefits and she was willing to pay him $3000 monthly cash, but he refused so I started helping my mom as her daughter. As Asians, we strongly believe in philiopiety but he thinks my family is too ethnic and he doesn't understand why he has to go into retail when his specialty is IT. I told him she's a single mother and is his mother in law, and to help the family business that supports his marital home. He refused b/c he felt he contributed enough by paying maintenance fees for the home. I got along with his parents who were passive and turned a blind eye to his addiction, but his older sister interfered a lot and tells him I don't need to control his life, which I wasn't. She always was envious that our wedding was bigger than hers and I always stayed sweet with her no matter what she said.

 

Second year, I encouraged him to get a new job, he got an IT job he loved but gamed just as much once he came home. We went to therapy; he refused to cut it out. I became resentful he was willing to get out of the house for his job and emotionally and physically neglected me. I also got a full time job and my mom still needed more help, so I asked my best friend guy to help after his day job. I would also go to my mom's store after work to help her out and it became an escape for me. When I brought up the gaming addiction to spouse's family, his sister was certain his addiction was bc of me, and secretly moved him and his stuff out for 2 months and I came home that day and was floored. I couldn't believe they both did something so inhumane and cruel, not letting me know or contact him. She tried to convince him to divorce me b/c I keep complaining about his neglect. He eventually moved back in, but I was still hurt by what they did.

 

Once he moved back, he became more condescending, commanding, belittling, and mean. For another year, he didn't visit my mother though I attended his family functions. My best friend tried to save our marriage, and encouraged me to go therapy and counseling, I would go but my former spouse wouldn't go. My best friend was also there at my mom's store for a year or 2 so that I could go home and cook for my former spouse. He also supported me emotionally, while helping my mom out. One day, while visiting my former spouse's family event, his sister shut the door locked behind me while I walked the dog in front of their house. I was so upset already in the fact that they didn't like my dog, now they're shutting us out and when I came back him, she gave me a smirk. I acted out of emotions and told my best friend through text, who pranked call his sister. She told my former spouse it was him and to divorce me, so he felt threatened, moved out right before my birthday, and asked for a divorce. I tried to save the marriage, apologized, his mind was set, so protected myself with an annulment since he abandoned and deserted me.

 

I held out having children with former spouse because of his constant neglect and ability to care. I became terrified that when we have children, he'll still be consumed by his other priorities, addictions and his hobbies. Besides children, getting married should also be about with someone that loves/cares for you, otherwise they won't care about day to day necessities that come along with raising children.

 

Now, I feel a lot of guilt for loss of my marriage each morning bc I relied on best friend's help and bc I escaped to my mom's store, I know my best friend cares/loves me, and treats me like a princess like no one else can. I also care/love the way he loves me. I find guilt to picture myself married to my best friend. The guilt makes me not be able to picture a happy marriage with him or the idea of being in the same bed with him knowing my former spouse is out there. At the same time, i don't simply want to settle with any other guy just b/c they're clean slate?