My husband says things that hurt

[Madison1950]

Hello,

 

I've been married a long time and my husband has said things that made me cry. Some of the things he said are:

 

1. "You're not normal - you have a problem"

2. "If they measured your intelligence it would be below that of an ant."

3. "I really think there is something wrong with you - you're just looking for attention."

4. "You don't know how to talk to people."

 

He spends his time in the basement watching TV or doing his own thing and I'm upstairs by myself. When I mentioned to him that I get lonely upstairs by myself he said "Not my problem you don't like TV." or he'll say "Take the car and go out." When I said I'd like to do things with him, he said "You don't do anything interesting".

 

He said he'd try harder not to get mad. It doesn't happen often, but still does.

 

Last night he got angry and said "I really don't know where you came from. Anybody else would get it. It's just common sense."

 

I cry a lot. Am I too sensitive or do I have reason to feel this way?

[Ladyjane14]

I don't think you're being too sensitive. Those are hurtful things to hear from someone who's supposed to love you.

 

My husband used to say alot of really rotten things to me too. And this went on for years. What I found out is that there were two issues at work:

 

One was depression. The other was just plain old poor communication.

 

We were very successful with a combination of medical treatment and marriage counseling.

 

It's not easy to ask someone to be screened for depression. They often react defensively, as if you had told them they were crazy.

 

Consider starting with marriage counseling. The therapist might have better luck asking him to see his medical doctor than you would. If he won't go for counseling, DO go on your own. At the minimum, you'll get some support in coping with this situation.

 

Good luck, and post often. Sometimes it helps just to get it off your chest.

[johan]

Your post made me feel very sad and sorry for you.

 

He's being extremely cruel through his neglect and insults. You are not being over-sensitive in that you are upset by his behavior. But you are being over-sensitive if you let it sink in and make you feel bad about yourself. I hope you don't take his words to heart.

 

It is clearly something inside him that is wrong. He must feel bad in order to say those things. And it must make him feel even worse to know he's saying them. But good luck getting him to 1) own up to the problem inside himself, and 2) to find a way to deal with it effectively. Right now he's just throwing all his problems on you. If he doesn't find a way to stop, he'll kill your love.

[DJ_Dork]

Usually people who hate themselves (depressed/low self esteem) put down others to make themselves better.

 

The thing is you try to help them but in the long run you will find out they can't really be helped. I've had a relationship like this one, and after one girl I decided to filter out all those who have similar behaviors to save my own sanity.

 

I'm very sure you and your husband had problems before marriage.

[joseyposie]

leave him he is telling u to your face he doesnt have any respect for u. love is respect and he doesn't love u. so leave him and go on to someone who does.

[Madison1950]

Thanks to all for caring and taking the time to reply. It has lifted my spirits to know that I have every reason to feel this way. I needed to hear it from others.

 

My self-esteem has suffered but I am determined to make changes toward improving it.

[lilmoma1973]

i totally agree seems to me this man has a low self esteem that is why he is putting you down because it makes him feel better to put you down to think that he better than you thats how he gets his high making you feel bad because he feels bad about himself.. i wouldn't tell him whatever when he calls you names and tell him he just says things to you because he don't feel good about himself to make him look good.. and tell him you know you are a good person and he can't hurt you anymore!!!