cannabiscat Posted August 16, 2013 Share Posted August 16, 2013 I hate myself, but feel I am above most others on the food chain. I judge myself more harshly than I do others. I do horrible things and I am a repeat cheater to my husband of 12 years. My husband and I love each other and I would consider him my best friend, but we have zero sex life. We were not sexually compatible even before we got married. I was so oversexed when I met him that it was refreshing to have a man just pay attention and talk to me like I was a human and not a sex doll. He has a pretty serious fetish and will only become aroused by feet, nothing else. It insults me and destroys my self confidence. I cheated once before we had children and moved into my mothers, only to come running back, full tilt, knowing I had let a good person go. After that I promised myself to just make it work and try to cater to his needs and desires. 8 years later with absolutely no oral sex, French kissing, or much intercourse to speak of, we had 3 kids. He was unemployed sucking up unemployment and laying around doing nothing. One of our children is special needs and it is always a fight when I would ask him to help me. I ended up becoming so desperate for sex that I cheated on him with a different man several times before my husband found out via cellphone records. We ended up separating for about 10 months and my husband left me to the wolves. Taking away the only car, refusing to help with kids so I could have a job while he did nothing but drink with his friends. I ended up having to resign from a salary position job that I had acquired during the separation. He told me that I should have my boyfriend take care of me and the kids... the guy I was cheating with was a total piece of ****, I have no idea what I was thinking when I chose him to satisfy my sexual needs. After being left alone with no money, car, food, or anything, I begged my husband to take me and the kids back... and he did. He worked, paid the bills, and pretty much put me on lock down. I tried to get a part time job and my husband would sabotage it or tell me he knows I am only working to have an excuse to go **** someone. My husband said he would work on our sex life and everything would be fine... only to fall back into the same routine of his foot fetish leaving me with nothing. My husband and I have been back together for about 13 months, he works, still doesn't really do much with our kids, we have fought in front of our kids many times, physically and verbally. I throw him out .. and then he comes back and the cycle starts over again. I have not had any kind of sexual relations with my husband or anyone since mid December... it is August now. I have met a man online whom I speak to daily on the telephone, Skype, and chat. I feel madly in love with this guy, but he is also married. He promises me the world, to care for my children like they came from his own loins, to marry me, to love me, to pay for everything, and make me happy. We are supposed to meet very soon for the first time after months of talking. Since, I am monitored constantly by the miles on the car, telephone records, and am never really allowed to leave, I have no idea how I am supposed to get away to meet this guy. I really believe that our love is completely mutual, but I have my doubts. My mother was once all for me meeting this online guy, but now she is telling me I am selfish and I need to just stay where I am till my kids are older. I don't know what to do. I feel so heart broken and stressed. I am not happy here with my husband, but it hurts me to have to lie and make plans to abandon him. At the same time, it breaks my heart to know there is a chance my soul mate is out there begging for me to meet him and be with him completely (relocating). It is impossible for me to work right now and gather my own money and when my husband and I split up no one is around to help me pick up the pieces, or give me a ride, or anything. I don't have many friends anymore since I never leave and my mom is always so flakey. What is wrong with me? Why am I such a **** up? Why cant I just suck it up and be a happy housewife? What should I do? I know the online guy and my love sounds totally crazy and unrealistic, but I have never spoken so honestly and open to someone; had real conversations, had someone that really relates to me and my situation, or had someone boost my self esteem so much in my life. If I were to make a list of all the perfect things I require in a partner and lover; he has every single attribute. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cannabiscat Posted August 16, 2013 Author Share Posted August 16, 2013 I am very picky when it comes to people. So for me to find someone I feel love for is very rare which is why I want to meet him so badly. To find out if he is really real. Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted August 16, 2013 Share Posted August 16, 2013 There are several issues I want to comment on: 1. You're a touch wishy washy, either you husband is your best friend who you love and loves you dearly, or he's a massive control freak and kind of abusive. 2. You made a mistake and the previous affair is out in the open. Your husband has definitely kept you from doing it again, but he's also using manipulation to keep you stuck with him. 3. Have you thought about addressing these problems in marriage counseling? 4. If you really want to leave your husband, there are always ways to squirrel money away, but it does require work on your part and I'm thinking your energies have to be elsewhere - which is what your husband wants. 5. This is not an easy scenario, but since your situation is so controlled. Maybe the OM needs to leave his marriage first, so he can set up an environment for you and your kids. OR Maybe he could give you start up money. 6. While you may not be abused, you might be able to contact so programs that help women in abusive relationships, they have resources for jobs, housing food etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cannabiscat Posted August 16, 2013 Author Share Posted August 16, 2013 I know I sound totally wishy washy, but my husband tells me no one else loves me and no one will love me like him. What if that is true?!? We have been through a lot together, but maybe if he was a better provider we would have never had to experience those problems. The other man has offered to send me money while I wait for him to set up house and he tells me to be patient. How long should it take him to get everything together?How long is an acceptable time to wait for the OM? We are even thinking of holding off our meeting until both of our houses have settled down. His wife and my husband are not idiots and they know something is going on, they just don't have any hard evidence since neither of us are unaccounted for. So, because of this, both our houses are being stressed with insecurities from our spouses. My husband has refused to do marriage counseling. Most of the organizations to help want me to have transportation or do classes on how to acquire a job. I have a degree and am perfectly capable of finding a job, its just that my daughter requires 24/7 care and daycares are not equipped for that and trying to have a nanny has failed for me in the past. I guess all I can do is wait. I just feel like such a villain. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted August 16, 2013 Share Posted August 16, 2013 You can't be counting on the OM for your escape. He is just a fantasy in your head, and you have no idea what life would be like with him (or if he would actually even leave his wife). The love you feel for him is hope. He's the light at the end of your tunnel, and your salvation, and you so want him to be "for real", that you've built him up in your head as some kind of "soul mate", when really... you don't know him; only what he has chosen to share with you. Your marriage sounds horrible, but there has to be another way out. Can you call a woman's shelter and explain your situation with your daughter and see if they have recommendations? Link to post Share on other sites
Author cannabiscat Posted August 16, 2013 Author Share Posted August 16, 2013 I hear what you're saying and I understand completely that I sound like I am blinded by fantasy. I am pretty tech savvy and I have researched him and everything he has said has came out to be true. He stresses to me so much that he is willing to walk away from everything for a chance at a happy life with me. I have turned him down many times and always reply with no, but the past few weeks I have really thought about it and I'm willing to go "all in" for slim chance at happily ever after with him. The events that led up to us meeting couldn't have happened any other way. He is not the first man that has ever talked to me online and we both have been labeled as notorious cheaters, but we are both extremely unhappy with our marriages and both our reasons for not getting divorced is that it has been comfortable and convenient to just stay where we are. It is a shame we have to lie and hurt people around us while we try and fight for a better life for ourselves and our children. I know it all sounds like bull****, but many people are meeting online these days, so it is not unrealistic to say that this could not be real love. idk I just feel like we need to meet asap to validate our feelings, but I am not sure how to go about it or if I am a complete *******. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 16, 2013 Share Posted August 16, 2013 We were not sexually compatible even before we got married. RED FLAG not to get married. Divorce him. He will be upset and it'll take him time to grieve the loss but he will heal and find a woman who will love him, not cheat on him and find him sexually compatible. Link to post Share on other sites
fanine Posted August 16, 2013 Share Posted August 16, 2013 RED FLAG not to get married. Divorce him. He will be upset and it'll take him time to grieve the loss but he will heal and find a woman who will love him, not cheat on him and find him sexually compatible. I agree. It isn't easy getting out of a marriage, but I left my husband in the end for the exact same reasons. I wanted him to find someone who would truly love him and give him a good life BEFORE anyone else got involved, before I might have found myself cheating on him. That would have hurt him far more. I was not being fair on him staying in a marriage that I was unhappy in any more. Link to post Share on other sites
wanting more Posted August 16, 2013 Share Posted August 16, 2013 You need to leave BUT don't leave to be with someone else and be dependent on him. You don't know him. You know what he wants you to know. I know you said you checked out everything's he's told you, but that doesn't mean you know him. I was with my xMM for 3 yr A, we saw each other often, talked everyday, in the end, I didn't know him, I knew who he pretended to be, and I had let him become in my mind who I wanted him to be. It was all bullshi* You're not in a good place. That's not a life youre living, it's an existence. And I know exactly how you feel. I've been in your place before. I upped and moved 800 miles away, me and my kids, knowing 1 person in this new state. Was it hard, yes. Did I cry many nights wondering of I'd made a mistake, yes. Was it the best decision I'd ever made, YES. but now, I provide for my family. Me and me alone. You can do. It'll be hard, very hard. But don't leave your husband (whom you depend on financially and move in with a stranger and depend on him financially. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cannabiscat Posted August 17, 2013 Author Share Posted August 17, 2013 so it worked out for you? a happily ever after? Link to post Share on other sites
wanting more Posted August 17, 2013 Share Posted August 17, 2013 My love life sucks at the moment but I provide for my kids and myself. I depend on me. And I'm learning it's not so bad to not have a man in my life. My kids keep me very active. I'm enjoying my "me" time. It's a great feeling, knowing how it was to depend on someone financially, who wasn't a very nice person, and now, knowing I control my world. No one else 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Nibbles Posted August 17, 2013 Share Posted August 17, 2013 my husband tells me no one else loves me and no one will love me like him. What if that is true?!? I can't imagine why anyone would believe something like this, or wonder whether it was true. Link to post Share on other sites
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