Newbie here. Heartbroken, Will I Survive??

[Daisy2013]

Greetings. I am an OW for 2 years, recently dumped into friend zone. My heart is breaking, and I wonder how to pull through. I cannot talk to my friends, as they are disgusted with me. I deserve this pain and wishing I could just no longer exist. No sympathies. But, how does one heal? I am a poor excuse for a Christian and I know God will forgive me, but how does the "human" side of me heal?

 

Why does he call and still want to be friends???

 

My Story:

 

I am 45, married 14 years; he is 55, married 11 years.

 

No Dday for either of us.

 

Friends with Deacon in my church for 10 years, we worked together in same ministry. Got along great, no funny stuff at all. Could talk and have fun.

 

2 years ago, out of the blue, he started admitting lustful feelings for me and described them and what he would have to do to himself. For years, I had been neglected in my marriage and lonely, but kept it to myself, except for 2 close female friends. He didn't even know. I fell hook, line and sinker.

 

For 2 years we would meet. Started several times per week, down to one time, maybe 2. Always at his convenience. Everything revolved around him. I only met with him in his vehicle, never public places.

 

No actual intercourse, but lots of other. Lots of emotion, deep friendship and physical stuff.

 

Said he loved me, but never promised to leave. He had been divorced twice (is on his 3rd marriage), and wouldnt divorce again. Is unhappy. His wife is weird and not many people like her. She didn't treat his children well. He is funny and easy to get along with. She is not. Marriage of convenience, as they each needed something. Her a breadwinner and him a home, which she had.

 

We got closer, with no promises. He asked that I trust him, said he loved me and wanted to be happily ever after with me, but it likely wouldn't happen. We had to accept what we had.

 

Every few months he would "dump" me out of guilt. We are Christian and this was causing him much torment with God. We'd stay friends and met up as friends and start all over again.

 

2 weeks ago, after an incredible time together, he did it again in a very hurtful way. This time, I won't go back, and I think he won't either. He told me the turmoil was too much, and no matter how he feels, he has to honor his commitment. Marriage is forever. He was not a Christian in his other marriages. Well, in his 2nd he became one, but ex wife didn't like it.

 

Now we are doing the "friend" thing again. This time no visiting. But he speaks to me at church and calls once per week to chat. He asks how I am "really" doing aside from work and home, and I say "great." It kills me to talk to him knowing he won't ask to see me, but to ask him not to call at all round cut it all off.

 

I have 2 daughters, almost grown. He has 3 grown children from 2nd marriage and a step daughter from this one who is leaving for college. He says kids are one reason we can't get together. They have to see commitment. He wants his kids to know and follow God.

 

He cheated in both previous wives and told me he was a "dog" when single. Didn't ask him if I was his first affair with this wife.

 

I do love him and believe he loves me in his own way.

 

Why is he calling me and wanting to be friends???!!

 

My part is my fault. But I didn't go looking as miserable as I was in my marriage, never looked at another man until he opened his mouth. I am dying on the inside.

 

I can't confess to my H so that we can work through why Indus this. He is not a believer and would walk. His W likely knew or suspected.

 

Please help!

[Owl]

I'm going to give you some painful advice, one christian to another.

 

You know what you need to do. But you're refusing to do it. As a Christian, you know what steps both of you need to take...but neither of you want to face the consequences of those choices, so you're not doing so.

 

And that is why neither of you are moving forward. That's why neither of you are healing, and you continue to remain in the same state you're in.

 

Do what you're supposed to do according to your beliefs...and things will go as they're supposed to.

 

Keep it hidden away...and no change is possible.

[wannabdone]

Oh girl, first off ((((hugs))))).

 

Reading your post, I can feel how much pain your in. And I am so sorry.

 

I have been exactly where you are, not knowing how my heart will ever stop hurting (I mean literally I could feel it breaking).

 

I loved my XMM very deeply, and like you I didn't go looking for an A at all. I think the stereotype of the harlot chasing the married men, sure there are those women, but more and more we see ppl who it seemed to just "happen" to. As a matter of fact, I would have thought I would be the LAST person to ever do so. But....

 

My XMM too was heavily involved in church, and gave me the same excuses as yours is giving you. Being a Christian I think a lot of times gives ppl a way to hide behind things, and not deal with them. Christian or not makes zero difference here. What matters is who is he and who you are and what is going on plain and simple. I think that from what you say, he seems quite selfish. Which isn't too far from par with men or women for that fact of the matter who have A's He has cheated on all of his wives, and was as you say a "dog" when he was single. He continues to let you go (at his convenience) and then pick you back up, again at his convenience. You two see each other, again at his convenience. So my question to you is.... is any of this convenient for you or your life or your mental well being???? Doesn't seem like it. Now I know that doesn't take away the hurt and the pain or the love you are feeling for this man right now, but it something you need to take a step back and take a look at.

 

Your NEVER and I mean NEVER going to be able to heal because he is not allowing you to start the grieving process. Although you say "you will never go back", lets be real... you are hoping he will "come to his senses" and the two of you will be together. You made it apparent by your statement that you are worried to "cut" off ties with him. And my gut tells me that he doesn't want to let you begin that process. Not in a romantic kind of way that we can get twisted in our heads that they love us, but in a way of that he likes to have you around when he wants you there.

 

I think you have been in a miserable marriage with no attention, that this is so flattering and feels so good, you have down played your self worth to whatever this man is willing to give you. The one thing that I see that A's do.... they make us to stop loving or respecting ourselves, and put all our love and focus on someone else. That is not healthy in any relationship.

 

You are going to have to stop talking to him. Yes, I know you don't want to. But I don't think you will want to continue feeling like this, and you most certainly will if you don't. Just tell him that him calling does not help either of your situations, and you need the ability to move on. (fyi...he's asking how you REALLY are, to feed his ego. please know that it doesn't have to do with how you really are. Hate to be mean, but it is what it is). I'm not saying that he isn't a good man, but I know that just like I said A's make women stop loving themselves, they also make men seem to go into superego drive. I watched a man who I loved dearly become more and more selfish, to the point it was sickening. That's what is going on here.

 

Next: go to counseling. There is something much deeper than this going on, I promise you. It will give you a place to work through things and understand why you are feeling the way you are. It won't change who you are, it will just help you to recognize your feelings and why you are do what you do...thus helping you to make better choices for yourself.

 

As far as God forgiving you, sweetie its already been done. Fact is you are so low on yourself with your marriage and now this, you can't see how wonderful of a person you are. God has forgiven you and you will be able to forgive yourself. You will be able to heal, and will become a better and stronger woman from this.

 

I NEVER thought I would be able to get over my XMM of 10 years. But I did. I do still love him, but the best thing... I love myself now. So, it is possible!!!

 

Keep posting and keep your head up!!!

[Owl]

I'm going to gently disagree with you, WBD.

 

If being a Christian is core to her beliefs and life, then its key to how the OP moves forward here.

 

As a leader in a ministry at church...where all of this started...she knows full well what steps need to happen from the church aspect. She should no longer continue in that ministry, nor should he continue as a deacon. They need to talk with their pastor, resign those positions to someone else, and remove themselves from the leadership in the church at least until this entire situation is resolved.

 

On the home front...whether or not her H is a Christian, she is. There are specific steps towards addressing a situation in which you have wronged someone else spelled out in the Bible. She knows what those are. Until she takes those steps, that situation will remain out of kilter with her faith.

 

If she wants things to get right, she needs to take the appropriate actions of her faith in order to address them...both within the church, and within her home.

 

Doing anything less is against her faith.

[ComingInHot]

Daisy2013 wrote, "I am 45, married 14 years; he is 55, married 11 years."

 

Daisy 2013 wrote, " I am an OW for 2 years, recently dumped into friend zone."

 

Daisy2013 then wrote, " I cannot talk to my friends, as they are disgusted with me."

 

Daisy2013 added this, "Work together in the same Ministry." AND "We are Christian and this was causing him much torment with God."

 

Hi Daisy2013,

I would like you to Re-Read Your Topic Post again and this time read it, Out Loud.

You are killing me here Daisy! You KNOW what you are doing! And just like OWL wrote, You KNOW what you have to do!!

 

That "shame" you feel? That Depression you feel? That is Knowing what you are doing is WRONG (no matter what religion you are). It is Knowing the lives you are going to damage (no matter what religion you are).

 

It is no wonder the state you are in!! You have become the perfect picture of Hypocrisy that turns SO MANY AWAY from Faith of any kind, especially Christianity. I would feel the SAME way as you too. In fact, I HAVE felt the same but not in an A situation.

 

Daisy, the problem is, if you believe in God as you state, then you know that you are NO accident. You were Designed by Him to have FREE WILL, and with that Free Will CHOOSE Him and Love Him and Obey His Love Letter to You.

If you believe, as you say you do, you also know that you will "sin", fall short, Which You are Doing now and have been for 2 years. It is the sin of Adultery that God allows condemnation and dissolution of the M and Family.

If you believe as you write that you Do, you Know that this can be Forgiven! Done. Over. As far as the East is from the West! Without this, you will remain HopeLESS, shameFUL, Guilty, and separated for eternity.

 

Follow the Good News Daisy!! Do it Today*

[ComingInHot]

wannabdone wrote, "As far as God forgiving you, sweetie its already been done. Fact is you are so low on yourself with your marriage and now this, you can't see how wonderful of a person you are. God has forgiven you and you will be able to forgive yourself."

 

Hey Wannabdone, I think you are a Great encourager and all here should see that*

However, and I am not sure how much knowledge you have of the Christian faith, it is written in the educational handbook for Christians lol* The Bible, that the only way for God to forgive you is for you to Confess your sin to God then ASK forgiveness through His Son in order to Be Forgiven.

 

But No Sin is Too Great to Be forgiven if asked, and that IS Good news!

 

Wannabdone, also wrote, " You will be able to heal, and will become a better and stronger woman from this."

 

I believe you above post here 100% wannab!! And from just your story alone, I hope the OP can gain wisdom and strength. You are quite a testament in overcoming and being a stronger healthier and happier woman!!

CIH*

[Daisy2013]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and offer help. I feel so alone as I cannot go to my friends.

 

Wannabdone, thank you for your care and concern and encouragement. Yes, there is more. For years, I've longed for a relationship with my H, but I always came last. I also have daddy issues. I've never "felt" loved. All I knew when this started is someone showed me attention. Satan knew my weakness and exposed it and I was caught up before I knew it.

 

Nothing has ever been at my convenience. It's all been about his comfort level. Although, what is confusing is in the last several months his focus has been on me, rather than him allowing me to pleasure him. Yes, It only happened when he allowed. And then he turned the tables, calling me every day, wanting me to know he loved me, to trust him, I'm so sweet and blah blah, then blam, he's dumping me again.

 

So, when he calls he also says we need to "do lunch" because it is safe and public. We work close by and he has always said that, but never made time. I don't believe him about lunch.

 

 

10 years, eh? You give me hope from the human side. Thank you.

 

Owl, all you say is true. And, I did drop from the ministry about a year ago. He did not and also remains a deacon.

 

Everyone suspects, but nobody approaches. The pastor asked him about our relationship, and he replied it was a friendship and working relationship. Supposedly, a church member approached the pastor about us.

 

Confession. My dearest friend is a family/marriage counselor and is well regarded within our church. I have put her in a tough spot. She caught on 2 years ago and has tried in vain to help me with all she knows. We have quit talking about it as she says she needs to step back and allow God to work with me on this.

 

She says he needs to publicly confess and I should pray to determine who I may have offended by them seeing this, and ask forgiveness. She is chomping at the bit, waiting for me to give word so she can confront him. She wants him gone, saying she has always had a bad feeling about him. Apparently, several people find him negative and proud. Nobody else in the church knows about 3 marriages and affairs. I told her.

 

I am praying of confession to my pastor and apologizing to others. I won't, however, mention his name. It is for him to do. All heck will break loose and I will lose my family if H finds out. I recently tried to talk some "heart stuff" with him and he got mad (not this situation, but H's and mine). We have never had an intimate conversation because he can't. I know my AP better than my H.

 

I am meditating on Ps 51, for it is God whom I have offended.

 

Cominginhot - I agree. I am a sorry excuse for a Christian. He is feeling guilt. I was so caught up being loved and am now so heartbroken losing it, and I can't feel guilt. That eats me up. The only thing that happens is when I hear certain scripture or sermons, my ears burn and I feel sick. It seems the Holy Spirit is guiding our pastor with words because so much is touching on my situation.

 

I am doing my best to follow the Good News. Humanly, I am having trouble submitting and letting this go.

 

Jesus is waiting. I have confessed to Him. Now, I need to pick up my cross and carry it.

 

Thank you all again. It is good to talk about this. As I've said, I can't talk anymore with my 2 church friends.

 

Please excuse any typos, I am on my iPad!

[ComingInHot]

Pierre, sorry man but you totally are not daisy's judge or jury. You can certainly Say she doesn't come across as sorry or remorseful, but please dont try to condemn her.

 

Daisy, Honestly, here's the thing, I Know you are sorry because you are hurting, right? And our merciful God will always keep His promises to us. So you have asked for forgiveness. That's awesome!!

How then, are you repenting, working to change your heart and never do this again?

[Daisy2013]

Pierre, sorry man but you totally are not daisy's judge or jury. You can certainly Say she doesn't come across as sorry or remorseful, but please dont try to condemn her.

 

Daisy, Honestly, here's the thing, I Know you are sorry because you are hurting, right? And our merciful God will always keep His promises to us. So you have asked for forgiveness. That's awesome!!

How then, are you repenting, working to change your heart and never do this again?

 

 

Hi again. Well, I'm trying to figure that out. I'm praying and crying out to God to place the desire to be obedient in my heart, as His Word says He will give us the desires of our heart. I'm deciding to choose to be obedient regardless of my "feelings." I know I will never have another A again. Had never looked at another man even in all of my difficulties, until he started it. But I am just as guilty on my end for playing.

 

I'm begging for Godly sorrow, to make me understand how wrong I am, and to be sickened by my sin. Not just sadness, but repentant sorrow.

 

I am trying to turn my affection to H, regardless of how he is acting, and be the wife I should be. I know I've been difficult to live with. I shut down and gave up before the A happened bc I got tired. I would have left if A had wanted me, that's how bad things were.

 

I won't meet with him if he ever asks again. I've not made eye contact with him at church for 2 weeks, although he says hello and smiles when we cross paths. He is trying to be my friend like we used to be. He said a couple of times it might one day come to this.

 

When he calls, I don't talk personal. This week I will try to not answer. One step.

 

This time is different. The way he dumped me was callous and cruel. I saw a side I hadn't seen before. My heart has been hardened. He probably doesn't even realize how he hurt me doing what he did, but I won't tell him. Doesn't matter.

 

I am trying to think of the negative things. Names he called his W. How he let her take a recent road trip with a car acting up. When I asked him how he could let her take her car knowing it had issues she didn't know about (he thinks timing belt on its way out), he replied "She has Triple A." How he told me our relationship was all about him (we had agreed it would be based on his comfort level) when I asked about my feelings.

 

Thank you for your support.

[ComingInHot]

Daisy are you Catholic?!

I wrote Repentant.. Not Penance. Lol!! Sheesh*

 

Have you thought of seeking counseling from an individual who would understand your conflict & help steer your healing? I am sure they could offer you sound advice on what you may need to do according to your doctrine.*

 

If your M is That Bad, you need to tell your H what you need and "share" (not demand kr threaten) that A,B&C needs to happen in order for the M to continue. If he can't, You walk!

God calls H's to cherish, honor,protect & love their wives, Not be some jackhole's door mat or punching bag or made... I Do think God would understand about your leaving your H. He's the one who made your H in the first place...

 

Hang in Daisy!!!

CIH*

[Daisy2013]

Daisy are you Catholic?!

I wrote Repentant.. Not Penance. Lol!! Sheesh*

 

Have you thought of seeking counseling from an individual who would understand your conflict & help steer your healing? I am sure they could offer you sound advice on what you may need to do according to your doctrine.*

 

If your M is That Bad, you need to tell your H what you need and "share" (not demand kr threaten) that A,B&C needs to happen in order for the M to continue. If he can't, You walk!

God calls H's to cherish, honor,protect & love their wives, Not be some jackhole's door mat or punching bag or made... I Do think God would understand about your leaving your H. He's the one who made your H in the first place...

 

Hang in Daisy!!!

 

CIH*

 

 

LoL, no I'm Southern Baptist! To repent is "to turn from," "run," so I have these things I'm doing in order "to turn from" and not look back.

 

I will look into counseling. My closest friend is an excellent one, but she gave up because in my fog I couldn't hear anything she was saying. Maybe someone neutral would be better.

 

Thank you. I feel so much better reading here. It is helpful to see other stories, patterns in As that mirror mine. I wasn't so special after all.

[Morgoth]

This is not directed at the OP at all. I find it amusing and interesting that all the "Christians" have libidos too. We are all humans, with human needs, except I am not going burn in hell for having a fling or 3 or 10. The hypocrisy of the Christian faith and religion in general is out there for everyone to see and why I believe that faith in God is declining, people are starting to think for themselves; self denial, a blind faith in superstition and mysticism is going extinct. I have found self described Christians to be THE most untrustworthy, ignorant, obtuse people on the planet.

 

OP good luck to you, your MM never lied to you, tried to break it off numerous times and apparently doesn’t want to continue on for “guilt” reasons. I say move on and don’t mess up everyone’s life by doing something stupid and confessing, although if your Baptist, the whole congregation probably already knows. I personally like Christian women, they are great sex partners if one can free them from the good girls don’t have sex for enjoyment mantra.

[ComingInHot]

Daisy, For the past 3+ years we've been doing the Southern Baptist thing* I have learned much of the "southern way" lol!! sometimes seems to go by a different set of rules but still very proper and prideful*

 

Today Daisy is a New Day, Put on your "armor" to stand against and/or run from all thing affairyland!!

[whichwayisup]

No friendship can happen, it's unhealthy and will only keep you into him. You need to end it completely and get away from him, change churches if need be.

 

As for your marriage, you need some counseling to figure out if your marriage is worth fighting for and saving or maybe it would be best to divorce. Either way, you're not happy. Time for change so you can live a happier life.