Advice, Never meeting and lies all around.

[Memnon]

Hi to all

My first post

 

I have been involved in a Long term Long Distance Relationship.

approx 3 years at this point.

 

She lied to met from day one, with three pictures that were not her. Kept on maintaining they were for a year.

Just discovered recently, after her swearing there were no other lies when the pics were discovered to be fake, that she is 41, not 31 as she professed and her supposed 'ex' marriage, is in fact, still a 'marriage'.

 

She recently moved and although I thought she was living alone with her son, she is now living with her husband, but claims its only for her sons benefit and that he only lives there at this point she she is ill and his help is beneficial for her and now that he is off the drugs and therefore is not beating her as he was, including breaking her jaw, nose, cutting her up with a knife. But apparently he is a 'changed' person and hes reformed and straightened out now.

 

 

There is far more to this storey but it is her position she was 'faithful' and 'loyal' to me this whole time, but only lied to me because she wanted me to love her (the pics, since she felt is she didnt have pics, which she didnt at the time I wouldnt talk to her initially), and that she lied to me about the 'age' ..ie ten Years diffrence, beause she thought I woudl be more 'intersted' in a younger woman, but that her age shouldnt have made any difference. THe 'husban'd, was out of her life she claims, so it was as 'if' she wasnt married to him anyway. She decided to let him come live there with her, now, because she felt we were not working out and I wasnt 'understanding' enough and she felt shes made the best decision.

 

When I would try and phone her, she woudlnt answer the phone at night, saying her son would wonder who she was talking to, and/or wake him up.

I did talk to her on the phone at times, usually the 'day'.

 

She did get a web cam after a few years, but it was always an argument to try and get her to turn it on sometimes as she was 'uncomfortable'. It was almost something she used as a weapon or punishment if I didnt treat her 'right'.

 

She started to phone my office and hang up, and she demanded I fire an employee that I was having a relationship with. I did not lie about the relationship RT I had, but I did later on after she started to demand I fire her and not work in her presence etc.

 

I only found out about her age by using court documents online, she never told me of her own accord.

 

There is obvoiusly alot more to this, ill just start with this, but, what does this all say really.

 

And, why cant I get accross to her that people NEED to meet, 'before' they say tye 'I love you word'. Her position is, that I was telling her I loved her, and she was my one and only, and therefore my relationship RT with someone, is the reason she refused to meet me, and what I did and was doing with this girl was FAR worse than her lies, since she says she showed herself on web cam to me, did finally give me pics of herself, her house etc, and that she 'did' talk to me from time to time on the phone.

 

I feel as if I was always just kept out of 'reach' . Is it fair to say that her lies about misrepresenting herslef, from day one, that she claims was recitified by her finally after a year telling me the pics were not her, then having me find out her age is ten years different, but that , as she thinks, its not a big deal, but she regrets doing it and apologizes.....is it fair for her to say my RT relationship was the 'cause' of me never meeting her and that she is justified to think I am not 'loyal', and I betrayed her?

 

I didnt want to end my RT relationship, after I started to get uncomfortable insticntually about how this person wouldnt even meet me in the first place.

Now after years, of talking online, the situation is so strained, all we do is argue, and I still refuse to accept how anyone would not meet me, no matter what. I finally did tell the RT relationship about the online and that has caused my life to be upside down. The RT thinks I'm crazy and has lost all respect for me, but I wanted to get this out in the open because it was kiling me..and the ambivilance was tearing me up. I just wanted to Meet the ONling person and be able to make some choices about what and who I wanted in my life. I felt as if i was between a Rock and a Hard spot.

 

So what is reasonable and not reasonable to expect in this situation of the Online, and how do I Defend myself against her position that I am not loyal , etc, to a woman that wouldnt even meet me, who has presented herself to be anything but 'honest' and 'real'....But who demands that her love was real and she was with 'nobody' and that her lies are insignificant to my being with someone else, as I told her I loved her and she was my only?

 

I feel like I'm in a tug of war and I cant get any clairity on this because how do you make life altering choices for someone you've never even met? To the 'online', she claims meeting isnt necessary, and that shes basically having me believe I ruined everything, although she did lie, its nothing compared to what I did. Now, I am not the 'man' for her...but good lord, am I crazy to think that meeting was THEE most imperitive thing after all this?

 

Help.

[bluechocolate]

Yikes !! You must be getting something out of this - 3 years correspondence relationship with a habitual liar & you're still angst over it.

 

how do I Defend myself against her position .....

 

What position? She doesn't even have one - you two have never even met!

 

Cut her loose, pretend she never existed, start over.

[velveteel]

I think she never intended for the two of you to meet, or she wouldn't have given you fake photos or lied about her age. She needed a little excitement and pursued an online fling. Obviously it got more serious than she'd intended.

 

Have you thought that maybe she never wanted to meet you in person because,

 

1) If you weren't attracted to each other, it would end your relationship.

2) If you were deeply attracted, she would be forced to change her life.

 

She didn't (and doesn't) want to change her life. She wanted to maintain a fantasy double life that helped her stay exactly where she is.

 

It doesn't matter whether what you did is "worse" or not. This isn't about who is right. Who cares? Does the "right" one get to move on with no pain or sadness or loss?

 

What matters is that you accept that this three-year relationship is really over, and that what you'd hoped for was never going to happen. You can look back with fondness, since the two of you clearly had a serious emotional connection, but get the hell out of this situation.