Guide on Relationships Ending

[Sukotto]

Scott’s big post of relationships v1.0

 

Well after reading the forums here at LoveShack for the past few months there seems to be a recurring pattern with questions asked regarding the break down of relationships. My two and a half year relationship with Lynsey ended just over a month ago and I’d like to at least provide some pointers on how to deal with the end of a relationship and what can be done to salvage what is left.

 

The circumstances in which a relationship ends always decides what happens in the future, I’ll try to explain what happened in clear terms and how you should handle the whole situation.

 

(Potential) Infidelity

This is the most destructive end of a relationship, a partner starts another relationship while the other has no knowledge. The cause will most likely be that interest as feigned in the current relationship or that they are unable to resist temptation and think they can have their cake and eat it too.

 

So you’ve discovered that your partner has been seeing someone else, what do you do now? If they came to you and confessed about this relationship and are showing remorse then you have a tough decision to make. Do you continue with the relationship in the knowledge that they could potentially do this again, you will have lost trust in this partner and this is a hard thing to regain or do you end it there and protect yourself in the event of this happening again?

Its really down to personal choice here, you have to make sure that they drop contact with this other person which can be a problem if they work together. You will need to try and work out what the true cause of their infidelity is and it may involve attending relationship counselling.

 

Potential infidelity signals that a relationship may be about to end, a partner is questioning their current relationship with you. If this is their first serious long term relationship then its definitely going to be the end to a relationship, though it could just be temporary as the other partner tries new relationships and if what you had was special then its likely that they will come to a realisation that you’re the one for them. This should be treated as the end of a relationship though and not a “break”.

If this is not the first serious relationship then they are a lot of things that can be done to salvage the relationship before it goes bad. You’ll have to sit down with your partner and find out what the source of this unhappiness is, they may well lie and deny that anything is wrong. You will also have to ask yourself, what has changed about me? Are you treating them differently, if so tell this to your partner and if they truly want the relationship to work then they will help. Stress or some repressed feeling or memory from a previous relationship could be a factor.

 

Long Distance Relationships

A partner may have to leave for work, educational or family reasons. They may be tempted to just end the relationship because they’ve already decided that it just won’t work. If you truly care for this person then you will convince them otherwise before they have to leave.

You have to assess each situation differently, how long will they be away for? Can you move to be with them? Do you trust your partner?

The latter is the most important, if you don’t trust your partner then the LDR is not going to work and you’ll just end up paranoid. You have to realise that a relationship should bring your happiness, if that can’t be fulfilled due to the fact you only see your Partner every 6 months then it may be best to end the relationship. Once they are nearby then you can always consider rekindling what you once had.

 

“I don’t love you any more” or “The spark is gone”

We’ll take these words and pass it through our BS translator, the translation is “I want to end the relationship but don’t know why”. The honest truth is that they know their feelings have changed but aren’t sure what has caused this change, they assume that they will never be able to get the feelings back that they once had. The first is a misconception that the infatuation that you get from a new relationship should always be there, the truth is once you’ve finished courting your partner you stop putting the same energy into the relationship because you believe it’s not longer required.

The feelings should in time change from that of infatuation to love and mutual respect, so what is really needed here is to get those feelings back but also making sure that your partner realises that its completely natural for this spark not to be there all the time.

Romantic gestures are needed here to sort this, it doesn’t have to be anything expensive or extravagant, sometimes the simplest actions will bring back the most intense feelings. A popular one is doing what you done on the first date, for me this was travelling by train to the city and then going to the cinema and then the train back. Neither of us could drive when we met and the train journey also gave time for Lynsey and I to talk, something that may be missing from the relationship.

A little random gift for no reason at all, this could be flowers, chocolates, lingerie or maybe even breakfast in bed, let your partner see how much you care. If you think it’s an emergency then a weekend away at a nice hotel completely free from the usual complications of everyday life. Though this can have some repercussions, the partner may come to expect weekends away as the norm.

 

If your partner wants to end it and refuses to let you do anything to try and resolve the lack of feelings that they are having then some shock tactics might be required, the easiest to do is to get them face to face and look into her eyes and ask them “Do you really believe you done everything possible to save this relationship”, once you have them agreeing that they never gave it a chance its then time to tell them why you love them and why you fell for them.

 

Now if none of the above seem to be working then something else is at the cause of this and you should read the next section on a relationship suddenly ending for clarification and methods to work out what is caused it and if there is anything you can do.

 

We need a “break”

This is your partner telling you that they need to sort out things in their life, it may be that they’re adjusting to a new lifestyle and situation such as starting college or university. They may also be bored of the relationship and want to experiment with other people to see if your relationship was really meant to be.

Treat this as a permanent thing rather than just temporary, you shouldn’t set yourself up to get back with this partner then realise its not going to happen. You should try to remain friends as it is likely that you will reconcile but you should still read the sections on coping with the end of a relationship and second chances.

 

Sudden Relationship Ending

You may be in the position that your partner has suddenly informed you that they wish to end their relationship with you and though it may be crushing at first you will have to work out what the cause was to have closure on the relationship and to determine if reconciliation is possible.

Your partner probably gave you a reason about why its no longer going to work, think about this and does it seem plausible? If not then they’re most likely lying and you’ll need to try and pry. Though how do you find it out, its not something that can be brought up easily in conversation. Try to identify your own faults, when you get your partner face to face with you then tell them what you think was the reason it ended, “I know that I never showed any appreciation for the things you done” or “I know that I neglected you for my friends”, so many things can go wrong but if you identify your own faults then its likely that they will come forth and explain what they believe the reason was, if they don’t and just agree with you then you might have to just come out and ask what they think went wrong. If they ask why then you can just say its for self improvement so you don’t make the same mistake again.

If it was something relatively insignificant and you believe it’s the truth then there is a good chance that you can reconcile but you’ll need to follow what is mentioned below regarding second chances.

 

Coping with the end of a relationship

This section is intended for those who were not the person whose choice it was to end the relationship, at this moment in time you’re probably still upset. Your only thought is probably how can I get my partner back? This isn’t what you should be focussing on after a break up, I say this from personal experience. The first thing you will most likely do is beg them to reconsider and no doubt you’ll cry in front of them and decide that you have to keep contacting them and trying to change their mind. But are you really considering the consequences of getting them back like this, what would their reasons be? If they are getting back together with you is it through guilt or pity? These are not the qualities of a proper relationship and in a few months you’ll be back in the same situation. The quicker you realise this the better, you can spend your time focussing on self improvement.

 

Now that you’ve passed the stage where all you want to do is beg to your partner to reconsider you should start to focus on yourself. First thing to do is to try and remove items within your dwelling that belong to your partner or that they gave you. Grab a shoebox or a bag and put in all those photos that are no doubt about and those letters they wrote that you keep in your drawer. My own box contains tickets from our first date, notes, letters, receipts from our first vacation, lots of photos and a chain she got me for my birthday that reminds me of how much she meant to me. Put your box / bag in a closet or cupboard out of the way, this will remove the temptation to dwell on the past which is counter productive.

Over your relationship it’s a sure thing that you neglected some friends for your partner, possibly you’ve even distanced yourself from these friends because you spent all your time with your partner. Your friends are the people who will get you through the transition from a relationship to single, they’ll be the one who will go out with or just someone to talk to.

What to do with all that extra free time that you’ve acquired? I probably had a 30 hour void to fill in my week when my relationship ended. I worked all the overtime that my boss would give me, I also started going to the gym four times a week and then filled the rest of the time with other random tasks, nothing like redecorating to keep you occupied. The whole point is to try and prevent yourself from thinking too much about your partner as this is completely counter productive.

I wont lie and say that you’ll instantly feel better, it can take many weeks or even months to get over the end of a relationship, one of my friends Susan still thinks of her ex boyfriend even though he was unfaithful and she’s got a new love interest that she’s been seeing for the past two years.

 

Dos and Don’ts

Do keep a positive attitude

Do talk to you ex, even if its just small talk

Do consider that it could really be the end

Don’t beg your ex to come back

Don’t waste money on flowers or gifts

Don’t get into a relationship before you’re over your ex

 

No Contact

You will see the position of no contact continually be brought up and their really are two camps on this strategy, some believe that it’s a good way to get your ex back and others believe it’s a way to let yourself heal. My own position is that you should stop contacting your ex to allow yourself time to get over the end of the relationship, I’m not saying drop off the face of the earth completely but you shouldn’t contact them while your still not over the initial shock, you want to show your ex that you still care so drop them an email or even a letter but do not declare your undying love in this correspondence. I also don’t recommend phoning as it can be hard to control emotion once you’re talking, with a written format you can rephrase sections.

 

Meeting the ex

Meeting your ex can be some what awkward especially in your current state, you’ll most likely still want to hug and kiss your ex as will they, but its something you need to resist. Why do you do it? Because its second nature, you’ve been doing it for so long that you don’t even think about it.

Topics of conversation? Well if you’ve still not discovered the real reason for the relationship ending then that’s always something to talk about but definitely not an opening topic. Discuss something that you’ve both got in common or ask how their work / education is going before you try to figure out what went wrong with the relationship.

You should always come over positive and never cause a confrontation as this will only leave bad memories, if they start arguing and their point is somewhat valid then just agree with them and then point out what was wrong, this will take the wind out of their sales and you’ve turned it into a positive meeting which is important for a future friendship.

 

Getting your partner back (Second Chances)

You want to get back together with your partner? You should sit down and ask yourself, is it for the right reasons? Are you wanting to get your partner back because you miss the security of the relationship or is it because you still love them? There is no point in attempting to get your partner back if your still upset about the break up, you should at least have come to terms with it before you attempt any sort of reconciliation.

 

The first thing you need to do is to rebuild the friendship that all relationships are built on, you need to start casual meetings in which you can talk to each other and do something you enjoy without the pressure of getting back together. A trip to the cinema to see a movie is good since you’ll have something to talk about when you’ve watched the film. A meeting for coffee or even lunch is also acceptable. You need to start creating positive associations between your ex and you, the more of these that you do the easier it will be to get back together. You need to treat this like the start of a new relationship, but it just so happens you have some insider knowledge of what they like and dislike.

If they rebounded to someone else you should still continue with establishing a friendship, just because they are seeing someone else it doesn’t mean they are not interested.

You can find whole books devoted to this subject, I personally recommend “How to Get Your Lover Back” by Blase Harris, this will give you some good insight into how to re-establish a connection.

 

Once you have a healthy friendship you’ll soon know if a romantic relationship is possible, do they reciprocate your feelings? If not then at least you have another friend.

 

If you do get your partner back then you need to make sure that you address the original cause of the problem, your relationship will need to be managed, if neglected then it will just revert back to the way it was before.

 

Summary

I hope that anything I’ve typed is useful, most of it is experience that I’ve gained in the five weeks since Lynsey ended our relationship. I tried the begging and crying, I tried taking her away and even some roses. All were in vain, I also read many self help books and had a good read of other people in similar situations.

The most important thing to remember is to never use guilt or pity to get a partner back, this will be a destructive relationship and is just putting off the inevitable.

 

My relationship and what happened for those who care

Well Lynsey and I met in High School, I was a year older than her and only had a few months left before attending University. We’d known each other for about 6 months and had been talking a lot prior to our first date.

 

During the first year we had some hard times, I was adjusting to my new life outside School and I had problems with her friends but we managed to get through that even though her parents forced us apart for a week before our first Christmas.

 

At the start of our second year together she was preparing for exams and we’d started becoming closer, we done more things as a couple since I had passed my driving test and we had the opportunity to go out more often for meals. We also joined a gym and we had a great time together.

 

The beginning of our third year together and I felt that she was the one for me, we had came through so many problems and we only ever had one argument and it was about something completely silly. So I decided that we deserved a holiday together so I booked and paid for a week in the sun at Easter as a present for our 2 years together, the holiday went great.

Lynsey had her first year exams when we got back and was pretty stressed but I supported her through them and even gave her time apart, we probably only saw each other once a week as exams approached.

When the exams were over we both started working since it was the summer and all students are meant to work over the summer so they can afford to be lazy during term, but I decided that we needed a break and organised a long weekend at the start of July to London. We went to see a musical and done the usual tourist things you’d expect. At that moment in time my feelings for her were so intense and she felt the same way. The rest of the summer was filled with work and attending the gym three times a week with the occasional meal at the weekend.

 

Enter August 2004 and we were still in our same routine, though we broke it with a trip to my Aunts, it was only 150 miles away but the drive and the escape of work and the gym were definitely needed. We stayed the night and done some things with my cousins the next day before heading back home where our old routine started back.

 

September 2004 she went on holiday with her friends, 6 girls in total. I trusted her and didn’t see a problem with it, she went on holiday the previous year to the same place and I had nothing to worry about. She sent several SMS everyday and phoned every couple of days to tell me how it was and I was sure everything was great.

On her return things appeared different, she seemed very distant towards me and very unaffectionate, a week after her return I brought this up with her and she just informed me that she was tired after partying all holiday and getting up early for work wasn’t helping either. I accepted it and just let it pass.

A week later I was over at her house and were sitting watching TV, during a commercial she turned off the TV and turned to me and says she couldn’t pretend any more, things weren’t working and she just didn’t feel the same way anymore. I was crushed and left upset and without any real answers.

The next day I went over and spoke to her and suggested we have some time apart and then see what happens, she agreed but says she wouldn’t promise anything. I took this as a good sign as some progress was better than complete rejection so I went and booked a nice night out and an overnight stay in a hotel before a return journey the next day.

Waiting two weeks felt like an eternity, we didn’t see each other but we still kept in contact via SMS and chatted online through MSN. When we finally met I couldn’t stop grinning and I just felt so good about the what was going to happen, we got on the train and during the journey we had a discussion about what we’d been doing the past few weeks. When we checked into the hotel we went to the room and we sat and hugged for a while and then that ended with us kissing in bed. All good I thought, so we went out for dinner, the show and then back to the bar where we had a few drinks and went back to the room.

After getting ready for bed she lay on my chest and I wrapped my arms around her and she fell asleep, I thought I had achieved my goal and got her back. The next morning while she was in the bathroom I saw her phone sitting there and I know that morally I shouldn’t have done it but I read the messages on her phone. She had lots from this guy she’d met on holiday, when we got to the station I confronted her about them and she confessed that he had kissed her on holiday and nothing else had happened. Though since her return they had been talking everyday even though he lives 500 miles away and its out of the question for the two to actually meet.

I was crushed even more than when she broke up with me, I had assumed that her reason had been she was missing the “spark” that we once had and that some time apart followed by some time alone would resolve it.

Its now been three weeks today since I found out and in that time I’ve done a lot of stuff that’s helped me focus on what’s really important, I couldn’t believe that the person I trusted the most and worshipped could do something like this to me. I then came to realise that if she really loved me then she would have ignored this guy when she returned and told me what had happened.

I’ve been at the gym on my own 3-4 times a week and lost over 20lbs that was really needed. I’ve looked at a flat for myself and I’ve been going out with friends whenever I can.

 

The end of the relationship has been hard, we still talk to each other infrequently on MSN and I’m determined to get some sort of friendship from her even though she hurt me so bad.

 

I hope that anything I’ve written here will help you when a relationship is in the process of ending and you need some help.

[DJ_Dork]

When people go on vacation and they come back acting strange, distant. That is a bad sign. It means she spent a lot of time thinking about life without you and found it to be a good thing. Or she found some dude that she fancies. I've had this happen, and I know this happened to several people I know and I did what was best. I completely dropped her. Since it was "in a woman's way" to dump me in this fashion. It is a simple requirement for the "women" to grovel back into a relationship for me. Since she didn't do that, and was just doing simple phone calls "to say hi" I just told her to get the f---- out because *TRUE* friends want to hang out with you.

 

Why do you want friendship with a biatch that did you in on this? That's like your guy friend busting in on the goods with a girl you were already interested in. You cut them off like that.

[helena abadi]

Dear Sukotto, I read your whole story. You gave some excellent advice, and I've followed it. You're a good, wise man and I hope somebody else appreciates your intelligence, sensitivity and wisdom in the future.

[helena abadi]

Here's the rest of the story, for those who care.

 

Some weeks ago I lost the love of my life. I'm still in shock, every nerve is raw. We had been together for two years. I'm mature aged, so I should really have had the experience and wisdom of years to know what love was like, and how to deal with the end. But I didn't.

 

It doesn't matter how old you are, the same adult relationship dynamics still apply. It's heartening to read of so many similar experiences. It's good to know you are not alone. It's not just you!

 

I had little experience in love, for my age, although I had had plenty of boyfriends in the past. I had no idea they were such shallow relationships until I met this man. This was the first time I was madly, truely, deeply in love. I was the love of his life too, and he had a great deal of experience with women, although he's a lot younger than me.

It was the first time he had committed to a long-term relationship. It was the first time I didn't want to run away. And I've run away a lot.

 

He wanted the break up. So we tried to break up amicably, with hugs and declarations of love, and agreeing we had been fantastic together. There was a lot of love in the room when we talked. He wanted to remain friends (is this a guy thing?) but I told him I wasn't sure I could ever do that. I subsequently plunged into despair, pleading (just one angry scene of five minutes, no more than that), a chasm of pain and bewilderment and sought all the advice I could find to examine the pain and make sense of it. On an intellectual level, it made sense, but it takes longer to apply the advice to one's own life.

 

We are at the no contact stage, although the boundaries are a little fuzzy.

 

He didn't leave me for anyone else, although he said he would like to find someone his own age. As is his right.

 

Although the very thought of him with someone else is simply unbearable and will make me raging angry.

 

I moved countries to be with him, although I didn't move all my possessions. I was reluctant to move, but he implored me to do it.

 

I still gave up a lot to be with him. If I was on home turf I don't think I would feel so bad. I don't have my support system around me, and now I have to leave again, a very complicated, tiring, expensive process in itself.

 

We were never bored together, right up to the last minute. We shared the same love of crazy adventure and doing extraordinary things. But we were just as content to have slow down, quiet time too. We felt comfortable to show all sides of our characters. We rarely argued, which was unusual because we both can be very quick to anger. We could exchange sharp words, then get over it. Forgiveness was almost always present. He occasionally became verbally abusive when he was drunk, and he should have said sorry. But he didn't. We talked about everything. I read a lot about relationship dynamics, which was helpful when we had conflict. I never knew there was so much I didn't know!

 

He began to shut down, as his family and friends disaproved of the relationship, even though it was clear he had changed remarkably for the better through being with me. I had never questioned his socialising separately with his friends, but he began to spend way more time with them, disregarding the too much time I was alone. I became increasingly resentful.

 

I was alone a very long time before I met him, being alone again is earth shattering...

 

 

I think he has a responsibility to think outside the break up and be connected and supportive of me until I leave the country. Enduring this pain, and having to be strong enough to make the move again, is too much. Someone's advice, would be appreciated.