"I should be treated better" & Reaction?

[robimus86]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm new here. For the past 6 months, I've been in a relationship. 2 of which have been Long Distance(she is in China and I am here in the US). We've sort of had a lot of miscommunication issues, and so it hasn't been the most stable relationship but I we both have put in a lot of time besides busy work schedules to always work things out with each other and communicate. Unfortunately, recently we have both not talked in the last 3 days.

 

Basically, she had sent me a text her mother had sent her about what to expect from a relationship, and I had casually replied "well, my aunt[kind of like my mom] typically doesn't care and always say as long as the girl treats me nicely they are happy. Otherwise, since you're a decent guy don't tolerate it". I guess it was probably something I shouldn't have said but she responded with "Well, I'm not that type of girl". "What do you mean? :b" I replied... kind of thinking she was joking and that was when she had told me "I expect to be treated BETTER by my bf than I treat him. it's common sense". It made me quite angry, and we both argued about it. She told me "If you can't follow my #1 rule then we have no hope!!!".

 

We had both blocked each other afterwards as we agreed the back and forth nature of our relationship is unhealthy. I agreed with that, but I'm just wondering... does it seem like my reaction was somewhat reasonable? :/ I can't help feeling guilty because I have strong feelings for her and would hate to lose her over something that... hey, really could be "common sense"? Overall(and I am told) I'm a great respectful guy although I know I'm not perfect like anyone else and I definitely go out of my way to appreciate her so I just don't see the point of saying that. I don't want to just fold over my own values so it is tough to express this when she feels another guy would willingly accept this notion.

 

I bought a plane ticket to see her in early October(she is going to be in China for about 9 months), but at this point we aren't talking and I have to go through the process of planning and getting a visa so I'm not sure now how things will work out. I really like her and I'm afraid that if we can't get over this and I miss my chance to see her, this relationship is pretty much screwed. At the same time I don't want to seem like going back on my word, and I also don't want to lose my dignity and be seen that it's okay to have a relationship where someone thinks its okay to get 'better' consciously(although as a guy I'm fully aware women deserve to feel special and appreciated!)

 

I think moreover, I just kind of need an outside perspective as I don't want to go bugging my friends/family as it's embarrassing(not to mention in our situation, people are already telling me "it's long distance, wouldn't work anyway!" so I'm a bit hesitant to bring up something negative). Thanks for you input/opinion on the matter!

Edited August 16, 2013 by robimus86

[Phoe]

"I expect to be treated BETTER by my bf than I treat him. it's common sense"

 

LOLWUT.

 

 

what the heck. that is just stupid.

 

 

forget this girl. she sounds ridiculous.

[robimus86]

LOLWUT.

 

 

what the heck. that is just stupid.

 

 

forget this girl. she sounds ridiculous.

 

haha. so direct. thanks, I probably needed to hear this. I talked to one friend who's married and a bit older(31), he said to ignore it and she will live with it but I didn't feel quite right about that

[soccerrprp]

"I expect to be treated BETTER by my bf than I treat him. it's common sense".

 

This statement is what doesn't MAKE SENSE. Complete rubbish.

[robimus86]

well, she's got a rebound guy already apparently.

 

today, I see some status comment on a social media site saying "Bf, C u in Shanghai soon". Crazy thing is the last day we had talked(Tuesday) she had earlier talked about how she "needed me" and making love. I asked her straight forward but nicely about it and get no reply. amazing that people can't have the balls or the integrity to at least be honest about it when they've essentially been using you or too scared to be alone. We've been arguing long distance, but agreed we'd let each other know this sort of thing if it comes up since we're so far apart. I guess love makes you a fool sometimes... I had a feeling I was dating a serious narcissist for a while and just ignored it until it became amazingly obvious towards the end of that. Feeling pretty stupid. I guess a risk in love you have to take

 

Thanks for your replies though! It definitely helps shifts this into perspective.

 

The hardest part is now not wasting time thinking/obsessing over this. There are plenty of fish in the pond here in NYC I'd say(although personally I can't imagine doing the whole rebounding thing... ahh well. meh).

Edited August 17, 2013 by robimus86

[justwhoiam]

For the past 6 months, I've been in a relationship. 2 of which have been Long Distance(she is in China and I am here in the US).

But she's not Chinese, right? She's American just like you?

 

She told me "If you can't follow my #1 rule then we have no hope!!!".

So, I'm assuming she's American. She was blunt when she said that, but you... you seem inexperienced regarding women. What you said was stupid and your reaction too. Do you really love this girl? I'm not sure you do. If you are ready to let her go over pride, then it's a good thing you're parting ways. Life is long and if you're really planning your life with someone, you need to rethink your pride issues, if you don't want to find yourself divorced after two months from the date of your wedding.

I can accept many things, but if he's that stubborn when he should try to understand what happened and make up, what future lies ahead?

With this, I don't mean she must be a spoiled child, but if you really really care, first you avoid this kind of petty arguments, and secondly if they happen, you make up right away, talk it through and then decide if she could have a reason to react the way she did. At times it just a matter of principle, and I know something about it. Matters of principle can be huge things for me. At times I say I love him a lot more than he does, and he says it's impossible. That makes me think that maybe it doesn't show as much as it does with me, or it's less obvious... but should he agree, I would read it as a plain confirmation of my thoughts, and I would feel it's not fair, and I would start to think why doesn't he love me as much as I love him, etc. In short... I'm sure things would deteriorate. But I trust he will not lie to me just to keep me quiet and to make me happy. Women have intuition, so don't start saying things just because you think it's what she'd like to hear. Just be honest. But if you can, don't be an idiot.

 

We had both blocked each other afterwards as we agreed the back and forth nature of our relationship is unhealthy. I agreed with that

I think everything deteriorated when you said that and gave up on her and the relationship. My man must have faith when I lose it, and support me, and believe in us. If he's the first not to believe in us, what's the point in being together?

 

I bought a plane ticket to see her in early October(she is going to be in China for about 9 months), but at this point we aren't talking and I have to go through the process of planning and getting a visa so I'm not sure now how things will work out.

3 days is already a lot of time if you really love her and don't want to lose her. Call her and tell her it was all a big misunderstanding and that you love her so much and want to make up with her. AFTER you made up, tell her you're still going to visit her in October.

 

I really like her and I'm afraid that if we can't get over this and I miss my chance to see her, this relationship is pretty much screwed.

Pretty much 99.9% so.

 

today, I see some status comment on a social media site saying "Bf, C u in Shanghai soon"

Maybe she wrote that in the hope you would read it. Pick up the phone and confront her about that. Did she have a bf on the side? Be direct, but keep calm and don't raise your voice. That doesn't mean you should take it lightly, be as serious as you can be during the phone call, without losing your temper.

 

I guess a risk in love you have to take

Taking risks doesn't make you less manly. On the contrary.

[robimus86]

She is Chinese. @justwhoiam, I really appreciate your input here so thanks for the reply. I see you can see where she is coming from, and its nice to be able to understand her view a bit more from it. I tried to call her yesterday morning(her time in the morning, at least), and she didn't pick up twice.... but I unblocked her. This app we use is a little weird though so you can both optionally block each other, and she unblocked me and accepted my request soon after which showed she must not entirely hate me.

 

The Bf thing was a misunderstanding thank god, I didn't know this but on this social media app you can't see people who aren't your friends comments and her college classmate had joked 'find a bf!'. I do trust her so I take her word, and the world makes whole lot more sense. I feel stupid for believing she got a boyfriend so soon too :|

 

The problem with what you're saying is: I did try to talk about the issue. I told her I believe in treating her well no matter what, but in a relationship both should treat each other well and with respect. You have really good points, I shouldn't have been so apt to agree with this and accept it. On the same token, it is a two sided issue and I've dated much more reasonable people before(its too bad reasonable isn't always what people are attracted to -_-). I really do have feelings for her and it hurt like hell to ignore her. I told her this on the messaging app and wished her a nice day before noting the whole BF thing. She hasn't said anything bad but she's barely replied. I realize she needs some space though. So, ahh... I don't know... I am not sure what's going through her mind and I can't manage to talk to her on the phone so while I'm trying to be patient I am emotionally preparing myself in case things don't work out(you know... at least accepting the possibility). It's going to be my last semester in graduate school, and its sort of hard to focus on my thesis while trying to deal with this and its hard to divide my attention and do everything well. Barely made it through my summer finals and I am just trying to be realistic here. :/

Edited August 17, 2013 by robimus86

[robimus86]

After thinking a little more, he whole idea of having -no- pride doesn't really make sense. It's important to have boundaries. For a long term relationship, if a person can't see the other as deserving of equal respect its not going to be too healthy in the long run. I do treat her amazing when we're doing well. I am constantly thoughtful and make nice gestures, I give her massages when she's tired, I give occasional gifts, I listen, etc... but it doesn't mean I should put up with basically stubborn temper tantrums. When we're not arguing she's great, loving and supportive but these kind of baseline "rules" in a relationship aren't maintainable in the long run and I've never been in this sort of relationship to simply accept it bc to be honest it feels degrading after a while. I certainly see myself to some extent as one of those "yes dear" types of guys, but that's maybe for doing things around the house, picking up my end of the work, and not to the extent of being a doormat. I do love her, but love isn't going to build a great relationship. Even though I need to always treat my lady like a lady and acknowledge her as special to me and make her realize this, it takes two. There are guys who might be more accepting of this stuff, and to be honest maybe its more 60%, 40% than 5050(either way) most times but a woman in a relationship should also be a bit humble and realize a guy treats her well as a result of his love for her and not due to some entitlement. I'm a very loyal guy but I'm not a doormat. I know there's a lot of decent minded women in the world to accept something that is essentially only beneficial to one side of the equation. *stands off soap box*

[justwhoiam]

She is Chinese.

I had the feeling she was... So it's also a matter of culture. What happened might hide several other possible issues. I'm not Asian, but I'm not American either.

 

What would a foreigner watch out for? First of all, there's a popular belief that Asians can try to get married to Western citizens to get out of their country or for a chance to a better life, also depending on their social conditions... so it's like a Chinese woman would settle for an American guy, even if he's not the best of men. I'm not saying this is right, and surely she showed that she didn't choose you because of that. She was probably trying to prove that she's not willing to accept less than her minimum. She has her rules. Every woman does. I didn't know I was setting out rules, I realized when he said: "I go by your rules". I was like: "What? What rules??" It's not that I gave him a list of DOs/DON'Ts. He figured them out along the way. Like I don't like him to use nasty words. He's so used to foul language at work, and he tries to limit that to the essential while talking to me. I know it's common sense, but some women are even more foul-mouthed, so that depends from woman to woman. And it's not even that he gets repressed like that, as he already uses much of the jargon at work, and it doesn't do much for him. It gets better when he tells me about his work issues and I let him see things he didn't think of, and he's aware of the value of words.

 

Besides the popular belief that she might be lower maintenance (not financially speaking), her culture has ancient wisdom, and you should learn more about it, instead of having your western culture prevailing and having the "we're equal" thing getting in the way. You must know men and women are different, and being equal in love is arguable. Yes, people should fundamentally have the same rights, but if in the US men and women were really equal you would see a lot of women proposing on their knees holding a ring for their man to wear... This is not how it goes. It's your culture. Learn more about her. Be curious. And pick from it. Probably there'll be things you won't agree with. As there are also things in the American culture that could be definitely trashed. Pick the best of both worlds.

 

If she unblocked you, she's waiting for some move from you.

[robimus86]

I had the feeling she was... So it's also a matter of culture. What happened might hide several other possible issues. I'm not Asian, but I'm not American either.

 

What would a foreigner watch out for? First of all, there's a popular belief that Asians can try to get married to Western citizens to get out of their country or for a chance to a better life, also depending on their social conditions... so it's like a Chinese woman would settle for an American guy, even if he's not the best of men. I'm not saying this is right, and surely she showed that she didn't choose you because of that. She was probably trying to prove that she's not willing to accept less than her minimum. She has her rules. Every woman does. I didn't know I was setting out rules, I realized when he said: "I go by your rules". I was like: "What? What rules??" It's not that I gave him a list of DOs/DON'Ts. He figured them out along the way. Like I don't like him to use nasty words. He's so used to foul language at work, and he tries to limit that to the essential while talking to me. I know it's common sense, but some women are even more foul-mouthed, so that depends from woman to woman. And it's not even that he gets repressed like that, as he already uses much of the jargon at work, and it doesn't do much for him. It gets better when he tells me about his work issues and I let him see things he didn't think of, and he's aware of the value of words.

 

Besides the popular belief that she might be lower maintenance (not financially speaking), her culture has ancient wisdom, and you should learn more about it, instead of having your western culture prevailing and having the "we're equal" thing getting in the way. You must know men and women are different, and being equal in love is arguable. Yes, people should fundamentally have the same rights, but if in the US men and women were really equal you would see a lot of women proposing on their knees holding a ring for their man to wear... This is not how it goes. It's your culture. Learn more about her. Be curious. And pick from it. Probably there'll be things you won't agree with. As there are also things in the American culture that could be definitely trashed. Pick the best of both worlds.

 

If she unblocked you, she's waiting for some move from you.

 

Yeah. I am aware of the whole visa thing. Her famly is actually really well off in China and it's always a factor of course, but she's also talked about me moving to China a lot and I would have if I didn't have such a specialized job field(software development) where in China they require a language skill for that. I am open minded when I get further with my study of the language and some job experience of course. I think men and women are certainly not "equal" in terms of what is expected, but they should be equally valuable in a relationship. A woman typically loves appreciation and a man some acknowledgement... well from my experience. To be honest, I am happy just to be there for her... but when you have loosely defined general rules like that it is just bad. Sometimes, my life gets hectic and I cannot always be superman. I need a supportive woman as well who is understanding and flexible with the reality of life so I can have room to be stable and my best for her too.

[justwhoiam]

she's also talked about me moving to China a lot

Is she willing to move to the US or is that a big no-no? Be clear about that since the beginning.

 

I need a supportive woman as well who is understanding and flexible with the reality of life so I can have room to be stable and my best for her too.

Of course, you do. Tell her and see what she says. A woman in love can get out of her way for her man.

 

Anyway, talk about each other values. Personally, I wouldn't like to live in China. I don't like their working conditions. I don't like the one-child policy and that boys are valued more than girls. Not to mention environmental issues. And people spitting everywhere (so much that they have spitting containers, but I've been told they spit just anywhere). If you go there, it will surely be an experience.

[robimus86]

In terms of her waiting, I can tell she's still angry so it's better not to be an asshat and keep sending her messages(since she did unblock me and add me). But I did say good morning and wish her a good day hopefully we can actually talk about it but I don't want to jump straight into a potential argument as I know her a bit well for that(there are some things that... no matter how you frame them have the potential to create an issue when still sore). For anything to work in the long run we'd definitely need to find some kind of mutual understanding about the whole thing though...

[robimus86]

Is she willing to move to the US or is that a big no-no? Be clear about that since the beginning.

 

Of course, you do. Tell her and see what she says. A woman in love can get out of her way for her man.

 

Anyway, talk about each other values. Personally, I wouldn't like to live in China. I don't like their working conditions. I don't like the one-child policy and that boys are valued more than girls. Not to mention environmental issues. And people spitting everywhere (so much that they have spitting containers, but I've been told they spit just anywhere). If you go there, it will surely be an experience.

 

Yeah. We've been clear on her coming back. She's coming back for law school. I also have heard bad thing about the working conditions there. They don't value the engineers/tech workers either, so if you aren't middle management(from what I'm told) prepare to smile with(constant) overtime/no vacation Thanks again for your insight here. I can tell that you've also had experience with China

[justwhoiam]

I can tell that you've also had experience with China

Basically for work reasons... not love