Dumped after 5 years.

[Vinsanity1307]

Ok This is going to sound like the most screwed up story but here goes. I am a 27 year old guy who was in a "relationship" with a 35 year old women with three kids and divorced twice (Claimed both exes cheated on her).

 

We started dating in 2008. Everything was good in the beginning, the sex was amazing (although nothing compared to the future with her sexually) and we got along. Then as time went on I learned she was still married (separated for about 1 year) and had not even filed for divorce yet. She told me she didnt have the money and whatnot. Anyways I ended meeting the kids 2 months into the relationship and they loved me twins that were 4 at the time and a 14 year old boy. As time went on I would bend over backwards for this girl from bringing the kids to school , getting them ready, or to just taking them out to chuck e cheese. As time went on she was still in contact with a guy she slept with before dating me, and they were talking sexually through facebook. Then her recent ex husband was saying sexual stuff as well to her through text messages. From there it only got worse (Although I couldnt prove anything i saw the messages on facebook of them just talking about it, as well as another guy I had no idea about but couldn't prove it

 

. This girl had alot of health issues that I would stay by her side for operations and whatnot until recovery. So after about a year I was in love with her regardless of all the issues and we got engaged. I was doing everything and anything for her. About 6 months later she dumped me after me bringing up her still talking with these guys. I begged tried buying her things but nothing worked I was heart broken. I tried talking to her about what I did and she ended up running over my foot and as she drove away saying don't bother her anymore... She threw me down stairs if I tried hugging her and I ended up hitting my head and she just leaves.... I eventually left her alone and about 10 days later of no contact she texted me. Just saying ok......

 

We end up talking in person then having sex and getting back together. As time went on she still was sketchy and*mean*towards me so I told her I didnt want to commit to her anymore after about 2 months. She was devastated. We continued to date but nothing official and I was going on dating websites which destroyed her and she would beg and plead for me to stop and be her bf. I stopped going on the sites as we continued to "date" unless we had a big fight. I would go back on the dating website to piss her off. Then suspend it once everything was settled...For the next 2.5 years she turned into a wonderful person doing anything and everything for me. Even quit smoking for me after smoking for 15 years. I had the I dont care attitude but def showed her the love here and there. We basically acted as a couple unofficially.....Also during this 2.5 years she lost her job and was having issues keeping a car,and even a cell phone. She was going to school to be an EMT after losing her job in late 2010. About 2 months ago i decided enough was enough and would consider making a real go at the relationship seriously.

 

She just recently got her **** together and is an EMT , has a car,and her own cell line that I bought for her.... I was nicer but not needy still had that i dont care attitude but ALOT nicer And giving the relationship a real go... We did beyond things you could imagine sexually(and things she was petrified to do in the beginning.)She would beg for sex from me or pleasure me whenever. It was great And no words can describe the sexual chemistry we had...... We were even getting along really well .We went to Maine together and she was all over me as I was her. She had to leave maine cause she just started a new job and could only get 2 days off. But she drove to and from maine 3 times just to see me.... So when I came back about a day later she wrote me an email saying she no longer wanted kids and ( which is something I wanted and something she promised she would give me for 5 years) she was too afraid of my response cause she thought I would leave her is what the email said. I was upset but told her having her in my life was more important.

 

This was a once and a lifetime chemistry which it really was....She didn't believe so I showed her the engagement ring I bought her to show I was ready to commit and be with her forever. About 2 days later she texts me and dumps me out of the blue . She said she is not in love with me and we hurt each other too much... I begged and pleaded but she just started being mean.I showed up at her house and she flipped out and saw she was even smoking again. She threatened to call the police if I didnt leave. After a while I left. Said Id rather die then go through pain without her she said go ahead and kill yourself then. I wrote her one last text and nothing. So a week and a half go by with no contact and I really still wanted her back. I ended up breaking no contact and I showed up at her house again and tried talking...I quickly looked at her phone and saw she was texting a guy she use to screw right before dating me who is about 40 and he sleeps around ..I am not being conceited but I am a fit 27 year old who works out have muscles w/e..I don't understand going from me to back to him especially after her being all over me in Maine and this guy was one of the guys going for her when we were engaged.....regardless....i acted cool and said I guess that's the nail in the coffin for me...

 

. I told her I loved her and left....Its been almost been 6 weeks since D day and 21 days of no contact I really want her back and have no idea what to do...I am having anxiety issues (chest apain and shaking) constantly, and cant seem to be shaking these feelings .I spend about 80% of the day thinking of her and the good times ...no matter how hard I try to stop the good thoughts storm in........what do you think I should do...And of this situation..what happened??? Please help....I feel im going nuts

[MrRightNow]

As time went on I would bend over backwards for this girl from bringing the kids to school , getting them ready, or to just taking them out to chuck e cheese. As time went on she was still in contact with a guy she slept with before dating me, and they were talking sexually through facebook. Then her recent ex husband was saying sexual stuff as well to her through text messages. From there it only got worse (Although I couldnt prove anything i saw the messages on facebook of them just talking about it, as well as another guy I had no idea about but couldn't prove it

 

You definitely should have ended it at this point. Dating a woman with so much baggage was a terrible idea in the first place. She already had two failed marriages at age 30. Based on what you've written, it's clear she was emotionally manipulative and volatile. I'd be glad I didn't marry her if I were you. Move on with your life and let her be some other guy's problem.

[Faith13/2]

You probably won't get many responses to this post as it is quite long and not everyone has time to read through it. Anyways..

 

I don't know how to put this in a decent enough way really, but I will try. I understand you care for her a lot, but it seems this relationship has had it's "red flags" from the very beginning. You really need to find some strength and gain some real self-esteem for yourself. This is not a healthy relationship and is surely not a relationship ready for serious commitment.

 

Seems you may have become to dependent on this relationship and maybe even lost your dignity along the way. Also, saying things like "ill kill myself without you" "I can't live without you" is going to get you no where. Just makes you seem mentally unfit, and if by any chance you mean those things, I suggest you look for some help.

 

From what you've said about her it doesn't seem she's worth all this, sorry to break to it to you, but you need to move on.

 

I noticed you've posted on a few occasions about this same situation, and I think it's quite obvious that everyone has told you the same thing. For your own sake open your eyes.

Edited August 16, 2013 by Faith13/2

[Vinsanity1307]

Thanks for your replies.......although I feel in an aweful state as of right now...I appreciate your opinions on the matter....sorry for it being so long I just dont know how to let go....and it is affecting my work and personal life (obviously)....I wouldn't kill myself was just my emotiobs running wild and the pain made it seem that way....I did depend on her and the relstionship....but figured she did too....its just really tough and we are at 6 weeks since she left and having a hard time dealing...thanks again

[Faith13/2]

Completely understandable, just try to stay strong and let the situation unravel itself.

 

No problem, stick around the forum there's plenty of people who are kind and willing to listen. You're not alone.

Edited August 17, 2013 by Faith13/2

[Vinsanity1307]

Any other comment and speculations please???? Hurts so much

[JDPT]

Wow your story is somewhat similar to mine. To sum her up I would label her as unappreciative. You were clearly there for her every step of the way and she was not only verbally but physically abusive to you by disregarding your safety. My ex was nine years older than I am and had kids and believe you me she was stunning and sex was beyond great. Toward the end of our relationship we became distant and she eventually dumped me. What many people tell me is that she was simply not the right person for me. I probably to this day still think that she was perfect from me but if I objectively view the relationship I would have been a slave for the rest of my live without the possibility of accomplishing any of my dreams. There are certain times in life when you need to be selfish and this is clearly one of those. Trust me, you will meet a girl that will be more suitable for you and that's what I keep telling myself albeit at times I still think she was it for me. Time will only tell who you will spend the rest of your life with and this will be a person who will make you fully happy. Be strong, commit to NC and keep in mind that, that woman has been nothing but abusive to you.

[Vinsanity1307]

Thanks for your response.. How long ago was your break up? and Just so much time money and love put into the relationship ..I was not perfect please dont get that misconstrued, but I did what I could to make her happy especially in the beginning. I feel like a part of me died and I dont know who I am anymore, I am even trying to find a look I like.... (Facail hair or W/E) Your lucky my ex wasnt the best looking .So your lucky if you had an attractive ex... which makes it that much complicated to understand.... You said you still think your ex is the one, as so do I we just clicked on every level, and I didnt notice any downward spiral. She started her new job and was tired but still did what she could.... I did notice she didnt seem to be hanging on to everything I said as much as she use to but that again figured tired new job. We still saw each other every day, and again she was all over me up till the end on her own free will....Just hurts...thanks again

[JDPT]

Thanks for your response.. How long ago was your break up? and Just so much time money and love put into the relationship ..I was not perfect please dont get that misconstrued, but I did what I could to make her happy especially in the beginning. I feel like a part of me died and I dont know who I am anymore, I am even trying to find a look I like.... (Facail hair or W/E) Your lucky my ex wasnt the best looking .So your lucky if you had an attractive ex... which makes it that much complicated to understand.... You said you still think your ex is the one, as so do I we just clicked on every level, and I didnt notice any downward spiral. She started her new job and was tired but still did what she could.... I did notice she didnt seem to be hanging on to everything I said as much as she use to but that again figured tired new job. We still saw each other every day, and again she was all over me up till the end on her own free will....Just hurts...thanks again

 

We have been broken up for roughly 3.5 months. If I tell you the many things I did for her and the many hoops I had to jump over for her I would need my own thread. I held her hand through the most difficult moments of her life, when she divorced her ex husband when she need to find a new home to live, or when her car was reprocessed and she needed a new vehicle, I was there for her day in and day out and she completely disregarded all of the suffering and happy moments we went through together. What amazes me the most is that she simply decided to throw it all away, she trashed a 4 year relationship. It may be a bit challenging for me at times as I mentioned and I don't just say that because she was my girlfriend but she is gorgeous and I'm certain has no problem having guys wanting to pick her up. I also thought about finding someone like her, someone who would dress so conservatively yet classy and sexy, it may be difficult to find but I'm accepting the fact that she is gone for ever and that I should not find a look alike. Sometimes we get blinded by love and tell ourselves that the person we are with is the one for us but in reality they are not. In retrospect my ex used to give me so much grief, she always had a problem that I needed to solve for her, she forever had problems and there were certain times when I just couldn't do anything about them. However, when it came to my problems I was on my own, that to me is not love. She now has a new business that's taking off, works and makes pretty good money and is simply too busy to want to deal with me. With her I learned how it feels to be used. In retrospect I was simply a vehicle she used to accomplish all her objectives. We need to simply accept and move forward in life. Understand that you dodged a bullet with her and her situation in life. Our exes had way too much baggage to deal with. We are both single young guys and have the rest of our futures ahead of us.

[Vinsanity1307]

Ok really it sounds very similiar.. The repoed car...My ex had hers repoed TWICE! We were there for them for the hard stuff, and when things get better for them gone apparently! And need to say im not in the best situation and am kind of struggling... I have two jobs a small apartment, and a car to an extent but is having issues and when things get low they leave. I mean really! I am sorry you had to go through something similar. I dont wish heartbreak on anyone but glad I am talking with someone who can somewhat relate to my situation...Do you see light at the end of the tunnel yet? Cause I dont but its only been 6 weeks since she left and almost 4 weeks of no contact.....

[JDPT]

I'm also going through a rough patch in my life but when I had a great job and I would contribute financially and emotionally she was there. Now that I'm the one struggling and she is doing well, she has absolutely no problem kicking me while I'm down. This is certainly a learning experience more than anything and helps me realize who my ex really was. I'm not certain that I can see the light quiet yet but I'm sure is there and hope to reach it soon. We just need to be strong and take this as a very fundamental learning experience and never lose our identity in a relationship and hold ourself at high regards.

[Vinsanity1307]

I agree man ...But easier said then done.....I just dont understand some people.. They just use you basically....and thats aweful aweful. Well that sucks no light yet. But everyones different so who knows but Unfortunetly when I attach and open up to someone I really attache to them if that makes sense.Know the ****ty part her house is 50 yards away from mine..Next street over and you can see it from my bedroom window...Moved closer to her to help out few years ago.....FML....

[JDPT]

That must really be difficult to live so close to her, you are bound to bump into her at some point. And yes I agree being used is a pretty ****ty feeling specially when that person came across as being genuine but in reality she had ulterior motives. And I understand, you devote yourself 110% to your love one for them to only treat you like dirt. I've learned to never again lose myself in a relationship and be my own support. And be strong enough to know that if things to south I will land on my two feet.

[Vinsanity1307]

Yeah being so close is the worst..... When did your anxiety stop If you ever had it...I have awful feeling in the middle of my chest like a weight....even as I talk to you now....

[JDPT]

That's pretty common, every one and then I get an excruciating pain in my chest the second I open my eyes in the morning and it also doesn't help the fact that lately I'm been dreaming about her almost every night. From what I recall I didn't have much anxiety only pain and worry about the future and all the uncertainty as I am now alone to fend for myself, it really throws you off but little by little as days to by you will get stronger and stronger like recovering from a cold. She really worked a number on me and I hope I never have to see her face or even hear about her it's much better this way.

[Vinsanity1307]

Any other opinions? Would appreciate more input. Having a rough night..Thanks

[Vinsanity1307]

Any other thoughts and opinions? Please???

[iouaname]

There isn't really much you can do about the situation. There is a lot that you can do for yourself, though. I really would recommend seeing someone and getting some sort of anxiety medication. Most of them are temporary and are meant to help us through the stage of grief where anxiety runs high.

[Vinsanity1307]

Thanks for your reply...

[aybc123]

We have been broken up for roughly 3.5 months. If I tell you the many things I did for her and the many hoops I had to jump over for her I would need my own thread. I held her hand through the most difficult moments of her life, when she divorced her ex husband when she need to find a new home to live, or when her car was reprocessed and she needed a new vehicle, I was there for her day in and day out and she completely disregarded all of the suffering and happy moments we went through together. What amazes me the most is that she simply decided to throw it all away, she trashed a 4 year relationship. It may be a bit challenging for me at times as I mentioned and I don't just say that because she was my girlfriend but she is gorgeous and I'm certain has no problem having guys wanting to pick her up. I also thought about finding someone like her, someone who would dress so conservatively yet classy and sexy, it may be difficult to find but I'm accepting the fact that she is gone for ever and that I should not find a look alike. Sometimes we get blinded by love and tell ourselves that the person we are with is the one for us but in reality they are not. In retrospect my ex used to give me so much grief, she always had a problem that I needed to solve for her, she forever had problems and there were certain times when I just couldn't do anything about them. However, when it came to my problems I was on my own, that to me is not love. She now has a new business that's taking off, works and makes pretty good money and is simply too busy to want to deal with me. With her I learned how it feels to be used. In retrospect I was simply a vehicle she used to accomplish all her objectives. We need to simply accept and move forward in life. Understand that you dodged a bullet with her and her situation in life. Our exes had way too much baggage to deal with. We are both single young guys and have the rest of our futures ahead of us.

 

God this stuff sounds so familiar when it comes to the problems, we could've been dating the same person. I literally was there for every single problem she ever had from the huge complete mental breakdowns to the petty and trivial that shouldnt have been a problem at all, and there was ALWAYS another problem. She put out this happy face to the world which is the one I fell in love with but all I ever got was problems. Looking back she was never there for me. We had a semi-long distance relationship for a year of our relationship and I remember talking on Skype with her several times a week inbetween weekend visits and those conversations were just a litany of things she wasnt happy with in her life, but i dont think she ever even used to ask how I was doing, emotionally it was all about her. Instead of saying she loved me, she would just ask if I loved her. It's not like she treated me badly, she was extremely loving caring and affectionate and did things for me, but even that I think was just because it made her feel good.