Wife not interested in sex, I feel rejected - what can I do?

[roomie]

Help! I'm at my wits end. My wife has very little interest in intimacy and rarely shows effection. To paint the picture,we are in our early 30's, we have a very large, mixed family, My wife and I have been married for 7 years. We've had our problems, but we're still together and love each other, and are trying to work things out. She doesn't like sex. Hasn't liked sex since the birth of our son 5 years ago. she would give it up to me ONLY because I wanted it. Which is fine for her. Me, that's not working. Getting it under an emotionless state was better than nothing. I want it worse than I ever have in my life. I want to be supportive of her, but I end up angry due to total lack of any kind of attention. The lacking is more than just sex. My wife will basically never give a compliment, while I often let her know, that she looks good in what she's wearing or her hair looks nice or whatever. She will never just come up and give a hug or a aqueeze of the hand or a kiss, while I do. And our sex life? Twice a month is about where we are. I know we cant expect to be like a couple without kids and complications, but we could and should be doing better than we are and its really starting to bother me. I try to suggest things showering together, go to bed early (she then says lets just have a cuddle) she is not interested. Foreplay is really hard work it just does not flow I get frustrated at her lack of knowledge on intimacy & trying to satisfy me. She does not like to touch me down below - oral is out of the question. If I try to kiss her she at times turns away - I view it as rejection. I have had relationships in the past all of which were very satisfying. My self image and confidence are suffering, but she thinks Im being silly. Any ideas????. I don't know how to deal with my feelings. I don't understand my feelings. I have become a pervert and I don't like it. What can I do?

[bluechocolate]

You have not become a pervert - don't allow yourself to believe that. Affection & intimacy are very important to our personal well being & the marriage you've described does not contain very much, does it? <removed> has a lot of very useful stuff to say about it, more so than I could here - have a read under affection & then have a good think.

[Ladyjane14]

That's a fairly common problem, sad to say. If you'll scroll down to Flavius' thread on the Male Sex Drive & Female Sexual Ambivalence there was a recent discussion on it.

[jmargel]

Roomie.. I had somewhat the same thing happen. You two need to see a marriage counselor. But what the counselor told me privately helped quite a bit too.

 

First off, she could be in a depression and it's natural to lash out at the closest person to them. Either because they don't know what is causing it and also because their SO can't fix it.

 

Second, you are doing all the chasing. It becomes old to her. Even though woman are married, some like to know there is still a challenge. So, for the next week, which I know will be very hard. Don't show her affection. Don't be cold & say mean things to her, but don't hug her. Don't kiss her, don't tell her you love her, unless she does it first. The reaction you are getting from her is because of your actions. So even if she does hug you back it's in response to what you have done. That's not what you want all the time. You want for her to come to you.

 

When I train dogs (I work with them quite a bit), you want the dog to bond to it's owner. So, in doing this, you have one person holding the dog back, while you are about 200 ft. out calling it's name. Eventually have your friend let go of the dog. When the dog runs towards you, you actually run away calling it's name. So now you have the dog chasing you, no need to chase the dog! This is very handy when the dog sees something it likes and you don't want it to take off. The closer the bond, the better chance of it not running off.

 

So, you kinda have to put that perspective into this relationship. Don't keep asking her what 'is wrong', or are 'we ok'. All that does is make her feel like you don't trust the relationship. Let her sort things out, whatever it maybe. Give her space and time. It could also be that her parents divorced or something bad happened in her past, which gives her that personality of being distant. My wife is that way and it's hard not to take things personally. But going through counseling opened my eyes to alot. Call a local hospital and ask for references for a licensed marriage counselor. Actually if you get a female one, more the better. Your wife would be able to relate to her better.

[Ladyjane14]

JMargel, I know you did not just tell that nice man to 'train' his wife like he would train his dog! (I'm just teasin'. I've had a weird day. )

 

Anyway, I could see how that might work on a woman who craves affection, if not sex. As long as there is no perception of pouting. Pouting is a big bucket of cold water on anyone's libido.

 

It wouldn't have worked on me though. My perception of my husband's needs was of that of one more person in a really long-a$$ line of people who had demands on my time and energy.

 

I would have just taken his inattention and RUN with it. It was, afterall, what I wanted at the time. Just to be left alone.

 

Probably the first thing Roomie will need to know, is WHY her libido has sunk so low. Could be physical, could be emotional. He'll need to have a frank discussion with her though. I don't know how he can proceed otherwise.

[jmargel]

Yea.. that's fine. She probably will run with it for awhile. But then realize something is 'missing' from her life. Once she figures out what it is, she'll appreciate him more.

 

People have a tendency of thinking their partner is always going to be around, and take them for granted. Like you said, your husband was just one of many who were in demand of your attention. But you fail to realize he deserves this attention more so than anybody else, even your children.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by jmargel

.... your husband was just one of many who were in demand of your attention. But you fail to realize he deserves this attention more so than anybody else, even your children.

 

Yes, and because I did finally realize it, we were able to save the marriage. Although, I don't necessarily agree with you about the children's needs. I think that comes down to prioritizing in any given situation. i.e. You wouldn't leave a sick child's bedside to go have sex, and you'd have resentment for someone who expected you to do so.

 

Sometimes, BOTH parents must make sacrifices in order to meet the needs of a child. And sometimes they need to distinguish between what that child needs and what he/she just wants, so that they can make time to nurture the marriage.

 

It comes down to getting the message across to your partner when you've been neglected. How can you make them understand without playing games which could very easily backfire on you?

 

My husband and I only managed it through crisis, and at great risk to the marriage. Surely, there should be some better way for a person to communicate their needs without having to go as far as we did. ???

 

People have a tendency of thinking their partner is always going to be around, and take them for granted.

 

I think that's true. It's just a shame when it has to come to that, because so often by that time....it can be too late.