Should I be worried about bf and bestie?

[Emilia]

I am not going quietly.

I think you should try to keep your dignity.

[kiara94]

Probably part of the problem. Men tend to want and respect women who don't give them 'everything they want'.

 

Yeah, I know. I got sucked in, I thought he was the one.

 

Look, I wouldn't have had the threesome for him I would have done it because I am curious as well so it probably sounded worse the way I worded it but your point is taken.

 

I got a number of piercings because he was into that. He didn't force me, I got them because I knew he liked them, some of them hurt like hell getting them. Never again for a man.

 

I really feel sorry for the next man I meet because I doubt I will be able to give them my complete trust. I just want to hibernate for a year and come out the other side and hope it's all ok.

[kiara94]

I think you should try to keep your dignity.

 

What dignity? Everyone knows that I have been played for a sucker for the last year while the two people I trusted most were f**king behind my back.

 

I look like a complete idiot for not knowing. We were so so close, I just can't believe she did this to me.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

What dignity? Everyone knows that I have been played for a sucker for the last year while the two people I trusted most were f**king behind my back.

 

I look like a complete idiot for not knowing. We were so so close, I just can't believe she did this to me.

 

I know. I know how devastating it is, and I know how much you want to hurt them back. I do. Thing is...I know too that what will likely happen is that 6 months from now you will wish you had not done it. It will be embarrassing to you.

 

You take care of yourself. No judgement here, just trying to help you not have more regrets.

[emva07]

Well you didn't know, looking like an idiot would've been knowing what was going on and staying with him. You still have your dignity.

 

This does hurt, but we just gotta pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and keep it moving. Don't be jaded, their are better people out there.

 

Like you said, focus on you now. I'm glad you were strong enough to walk away, that says volumes about you and your self worth!

....and about them. They both know what kind of people they are. Let's say they were to try to be together now....they will both be insecure about the other because they both know they are lousy people. It's rare for two cheaters to live happily ever after. They are stuck in a rut of being disgusting beings, you are free of all that, free to make a happy life for yourself.

 

You're young! Just starting life, don't let this affect the rest of your life. There is so much more ahead of you than these people who were just a bump on the road.

[emva07]

PS: Don't we all love Brick's advice on these things?

Bless him, so full of optimism, for lack of a better term.

[Keenly]

Over reaction to a simple misunderstanding as to which side of him you were on. I wonder if the vest friend was on the side of him that the op usually sleeps on, hence the mix up.

 

 

I also don't understand how you can be mad at your best friend for waking up with an arm around her. Like she has any control over that while passed out.

[Keenly]

I should start reading the entire thread before I post.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I'm so sorry to hear that. To be betrayed by a boyfriend is one thing, but to be betrayed by my best friend would kill me. I would believe every word she said over anything a guy could ever say if this situation ever arose, because man... she's my best friend.

 

I hope you're doing as okay as you possibly can. I too think you'll regret the facebook posts, but chances are they'll delete it soon if they haven't already. Trust me when I say time will help you to get past this, you'll never forget it, probably never forgive it (and that's fine) but the pain will lessen week by week until you're living an awesome life again and are glad you got the heads up when you did and didn't spend any more years of your life being close to either of them. You deserve better.

[kiara94]

Which is it?

 

She says only once but shes a lying slut so why would I believe a word she says. He still denies it even happened, not even man enough to stand up a take it.

 

As far as I am concerned it started a year ago and they could have been doing it every day since, it makes no difference, once was one too many times.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Are you talking to either one of the or are you NC?

[kiara94]

to be betrayed by my best friend would kill me.

 

It is killing me.

 

I can't believe that I meant so little to her. I cut an overseas holiday short to come home and be with her when she split from her boyfriend and she repays me by f**king mine, how does that even cross someones mind?

 

We were so close. We grew up together, we double dated in our younger days, we are going through university together. We work together. FFS, we even got our piercings together, we held each other personal bits apart while the piercings were being done, that's how close we were.

 

I still cannot believe it.

 

And the boss has refused to change my shifts so I still have to work with her. We only work Friday and Saturday nights so it's not like I have to put up with her all the time but I told the boss she better stay away from me or the bouncers will have to separate us.

 

The boss said that he doesn't care about our personal lives and to leave that at home. We will be expected to work together as usual. There is no way I am dancing with her so I will probably lose my job because of this as well. I just hate her right now.

[kiara94]

Are you talking to either one of the or are you NC?

 

What would I say to them? I hate you both! It's been said.

 

They have both been texting, emailing and FB messaging but I have no intention of replying.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I understand.

 

It really feels unforgivable now.

 

A long long time ago I had the same thing happen to me. We stopped being friends for many many years.

 

A few years ago we said hi on Facebook, but that's all.

 

This was about 30 years between. This caused problems that ended our mothers friendship etc..

 

I never did get an explanation about how they thought it was ok to betray me.

 

I really have no feelings about it, and haven't since about 6 months after, if that helps at all.

 

Oh and you need to get another job.

[emva07]

don't quit before finding another job. Don't let her get the satisfaction of seeing you unemployed because of her fault.

[The Way I Am]

kiara, that's really terrible. Sorry you're going through this. You're making the right calls -- except maybe that Facebook thing. I agree with IIWII. You might be embarrassed about it later. And you should start looking for a new job.

 

I went straight to his place. She must have already rung him because he knew and kept saying she was lying. I never said a word to him, I got my stuff and left. I told his mum on the way out what he did.

 

Without a doubt, he's lying. No way she would have given him a heads up if she were making it all up.

 

Take care of yourself and as hard as it is, try to remember that not everyone is scum like these two. There are good men out there, and good friends.

[kiara94]

you should start looking for a new job.

 

I have already started asking around. We have been there together for a year and the money is incredible, it will be hard to walk away from.

 

I can go to another club but they don't get as many people through an so the money is not as good.

 

She says she still wants to be friends. If she is true to her word she should walk away from the job rather than forcing me to. I would love to tell her than but I refuse to talk to her.

 

I fear that if I open up communications that I wont be able to stop. I can't believe I miss her so much it hurts, it really does. My mum has been great, she has made sure I have eaten (typical mum) otherwise I would have just stayed in my room. My dad is angrier than me, if my exbf comes anywhere near him I don't think it will end well.

 

Without a doubt, he's lying. No way she would have given him a heads up if she were making it all up.

 

Very true. At least every single one of our mutual friends has fallen on my side. They both can do whatever they want now without a care in the world. They have no friends left to hurt, they can now hurt each other.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

One thing you may want to do is to have someone, like your mom, reach out to both of them and tell them you don't wish to ever have contact again. Get any stuff back that is yours. Then block them both.

 

That the betrayal is too significant.

 

The XBF is easy, actually you can just block him so he can't contact you anymore.

 

The XBFF is harder, but there really is no way to fix it, and unless you have things she could do to fix it then there is nothing too do.

 

Sometimes when selfish choices are made the world changes completely. She made a critical error in judgement and the consequence is that a life long friendship is over.

 

I am so sorry for your pain...

[stillafool]

I would never want to lay my eyes on either of them ever again. She cannot be trusted believe that. Nothing could make me do that to my best friend, nothing. Don't give her a second chance to hurt you. If I were you I would consider them both dead. I wonder if they were playing around with each other before they fell asleep and he ended up spooning her. Just take care of yourself and stay away from them.

[emva07]

I would never want to lay my eyes on either of them ever again. She cannot be trusted believe that. Nothing could make me do that to my best friend, nothing. Don't give her a second chance to hurt you. If I were you I would consider them both dead. I wonder if they were playing around with each other before they fell asleep and he ended up spooning her. Just take care of yourself and stay away from them.

 

 

Or it was minutes away from going down.....if you know what i mean

Getting ready to slip down and slip in.

[kiara94]

I can't do this, it's just too hard, there is too much history to let it go.

 

As I said earlier I had to work with my bff last night. I wanted to rip shreds off her and scratch her eyes out before I got there. But as soon as I saw her and I could see she has really been suffering with this I just automatically felt empathetic towards her. She kept apologizing and I had this overwhelming feeling to accept her apology so I could have my friend back.

 

I didn't accept it and I made it clear how much she hurt me and she just burst into tears. Next thing we are hugging, these things just come automatically. We went about our job as normal and I started to feel less anger towards her as the night went on. At the end of the night we hugged and said our goodbyes as though we were besties again.

 

This morning I feel dirty. I can't believe I let her off the hook. I don't even understand why I let her back in even a little. Right now I hate her again.

 

Why did I do this? Do I subconsciously want to forgive her? Is it just a familiarity thing? Right now I want her out of my life, last night I was happy for the first time since I found out about this.

 

I am so confused. What is it I want? Am I going to look weak and like a fool if I do forgive her or am I just going to look like the bigger and better person?

 

Do I even really want her back? I definitely want my old bff back, not the cheating one. Is it possible to really forgive and forget the cheating and just remember her for all the wonderful times we had?

 

I hate her this morning, I loved her last night, I miss her deeply but she betrayed me. People forgive betrayal all the time, I'm not sure I can.

 

I know I don't have to make a decision any time soon, I can heal at whatever speed I need to, but I don't want to open the door a little only to slam it shut in her face somewhere down the road. Please don't let me make a decision I will regret.

[The Way I Am]

Ultimately the decision whether to still be friends with her is completely up to you.

 

But I'd advise you to stay away from toxic people, and someone who sleeps with their friend's boyfriend is a toxic person. Every boyfriend or ex boyfriend of my friends may as well not even have a penis in my mind. One of my friends exes wanted to date me after they broke up. I all but laughed at him. A guy I was seeing off and on asked that same friend out for a "friendly lunch". Without really knowing all the details of my relationship with the guy, she called and asked me if that was ok with me. I told her I would like to say I was ok with it, but it would be difficult for me. She didn't go. Those are the kinds of friends you should hold out for.

 

Before you resume your friendship, think about how it's going to affect you and your future relationships. Will you ever be able to trust her around a future boyfriend? Is having her around going to prolong your insecurities that the next guy will do the same thing?

 

In any case, don't feel bad about missing her, wanting your friend back, or even changing your mind on her. If you decide you don't want her in your life despite your bonding session last night, it'll suck for her. But that's nothing compared to what she's done to you.

Edited August 24, 2013 by The Way I Am

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I can't do this, it's just too hard, there is too much history to let it go.

 

As I said earlier I had to work with my bff last night. I wanted to rip shreds off her and scratch her eyes out before I got there. But as soon as I saw her and I could see she has really been suffering with this I just automatically felt empathetic towards her. She kept apologizing and I had this overwhelming feeling to accept her apology so I could have my friend back.

 

I didn't accept it and I made it clear how much she hurt me and she just burst into tears. Next thing we are hugging, these things just come automatically. We went about our job as normal and I started to feel less anger towards her as the night went on. At the end of the night we hugged and said our goodbyes as though we were besties again.

 

This morning I feel dirty. I can't believe I let her off the hook. I don't even understand why I let her back in even a little. Right now I hate her again.

 

Why did I do this? Do I subconsciously want to forgive her? Is it just a familiarity thing? Right now I want her out of my life, last night I was happy for the first time since I found out about this.

 

I am so confused. What is it I want? Am I going to look weak and like a fool if I do forgive her or am I just going to look like the bigger and better person?

 

Do I even really want her back? I definitely want my old bff back, not the cheating one. Is it possible to really forgive and forget the cheating and just remember her for all the wonderful times we had?

 

I hate her this morning, I loved her last night, I miss her deeply but she betrayed me. People forgive betrayal all the time, I'm not sure I can.

 

I know I don't have to make a decision any time soon, I can heal at whatever speed I need to, but I don't want to open the door a little only to slam it shut in her face somewhere down the road. Please don't let me make a decision I will regret.

 

First of all...whatever you feel, you feel. There is no right or wrong.

 

Second...people forgive or get over or whatever all the time too. They also don't.

 

I think the thing is...your friendship is so long with her...you still have feelings for her, and that friendship...no matter what she did.

 

In this case...I think what would make you feel better is to be able to discuss it. Find out the whys etc. without the commitment of forgiving?

 

Then when you have WHAT YOU NEED to take the time to weigh it all.

 

Now I could be wrong and you got all the whys and wherefores to your satisfaction from the emails and Facebook messages and whatever, if that's the case, then the answer is you miss her too, but that you aren't sure you have it in you to forgive. Maybe at some point.

 

But I think the hard part is that the XBF never admitted, so never apologized. Your XBFF is suffering but never has given you enough to forgive her. Or begin to trust her, because of the lies.

 

I wouldn't even be able to entertain the thought of forgiveness without it.

[kiara94]

Your XBFF is suffering but never has given you enough to forgive her. Or begin to trust her, because of the lies.

 

I wouldn't even be able to entertain the thought of forgiveness without it.

 

Thank you for all your advice, it strikes a chord with me.

 

We are working together again tonight and I have asked her out for breakfast tomorrow "specifically to discuss exactly what happened between" them.

 

She has accepted and said she will tell me everything and anything I need to know as long as I promise to stay in her life.

 

I told her I can't make that promise right now.

 

I guess I'll just wait and see what she has to say.

 

I know everyone says it's ok to forgive but it still feels wrong forgiving someone for something like this. I feel like I want to forgive her and not forgive her at the same time, I can't make sense of it.

 

FWIW my mum says you give a true friend one chance and one chance only. After that they are no longer friend worthy. She has had her one chance (a bloody big one), she needs to come totally clean tomorrow or I will have no choice.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Thank you for all your advice, it strikes a chord with me.

 

We are working together again tonight and I have asked her out for breakfast tomorrow "specifically to discuss exactly what happened between" them.

 

She has accepted and said she will tell me everything and anything I need to know as long as I promise to stay in her life.

 

I told her I can't make that promise right now.

 

I guess I'll just wait and see what she has to say.

 

I know everyone says it's ok to forgive but it still feels wrong forgiving someone for something like this. I feel like I want to forgive her and not forgive her at the same time, I can't make sense of it.

 

FWIW my mum says you give a true friend one chance and one chance only. After that they are no longer friend worthy. She has had her one chance (a bloody big one), she needs to come totally clean tomorrow or I will have no choice.

 

I think what your Mom is saying is that forgiveness IS possible, but don't be a doormat. But...and I want you to really think about this.

 

She (BFF) gets to make no demands. At this point you are not friends. 100%truth from heris the entrance fee for you to "entertain" the thoughts of forgiveness. You need to know exactly what you are forgiving.

 

My list(make your own)

1. Exact details (facts) every instance of where and when and what. (This drives other questions)

2. Who else knows, and when did they know, how much do they know.

3. Assuming this was once (and I don't think that was the case here) what happened leading up to the instance and at any point did she realize that she was destroying a friendship...what was she thinking and feeling.

4. Assuming this was once...how exactly did the two of the collude immediately after and over time to hide it from you.

5. Assuming it was once how could she continue to put herself in intimate contact (like the tent sitch) over and over again.

6. How could she let you be in a relationship with a cheater.

7. What kind of ongoing discussions did the two of them have?

8. Assuming this was more than once (which I believe to be true, in this case) you have the when, what,how's from Q1 so ask her to explain both her thought processes and feelings for both him and you before during and after each.

9. Assuming this was more than once, Exactly the details of each and every conversation with him, (and each person who knows) since the tent episode and DDAY.

10. She should explain How and why after all of this you should trust her enough to be friends.

11. She should explain how and why after all of this you could ever trust her with your feelings, vulnerabilities, have her close enough to know what is precious to you.

 

The same would be true for him...if you wanted to.

 

After you know...then think about it. Your choice isn't to be BFF or NOTHING

 

It's every single gradiation in between. You might be able to forgive her (or both) but not be anything more than friendly acquaintances moving forward.

 

You might be able to be friends but you might always hold back your real feelings from her.

 

Or you might decide you cannot trust her at all.

 

Eventually, Forgiveness is something you can do.

 

Being friends is something else entirely.

 

Eventually, I forgave both in my sitch. But it was only once. We were never friends again.

 

Good luck.