After rebuilding your life what can you expect from old flames

[HarryWilliams]

So the love of my life broke up with me about a year ago this month. It was very hard for him to do. We met a lot afterwards and he seemed very unhappy in the relationship. I can understand why but nevertheless he found it tremendously difficult to leave me.

 

A few days after break up I called him and begged him to reconsider. I convinced him and he said he would come over straight away. I then persuaded him to come over tomorrow (because I wanted to continue drinking myself to oblivion). I was really that sad and pathetic an addict.

 

I begged. Pleaded. Promised I would change. Of course none of this was enough to convince him to give us a second shot. Eventually he went NO CONTACT "talking doesn't seem to be helping". When I got the chance I would ask for us to start a new and he would say things like "have you changed? No. Why you have hope"?! He told me "I won't wait for you to change" and I believe him. Nevertheless I think it was harder for him than he expected and he could not help still loving me.

 

I did nothing bad to my ex. Never fought with him or was abusive. The only abuse was him being in a relationship with me in the first place. Because dating an addict is abuse in itself and I have come to understand that now.

 

About 6 months after break up we met again and it was like we had never been apart. But I was still a mess as a person and looking back I can see how I must have come across. He almost changed his mind. But then he realised nothing had really changed and went back to minimal or no contact.

 

Unfortunately so desperate to be with him whenever I got the opportunity to talk to him rather than just communicating with him I would always mention the relationship etc.

 

I then made one last message to him. Told him everything I still felt. Not really a proper reply from him. So I got rid of every line of contact with him. Living in hope of a reply online was not healthy for me and was exactly the kind of behaviour that made him leave me in the first place.

 

So this past year I have had periods of my life where I have thought about him little. Anyway three months ago everything came to a head and I went into a complete meltdown. I had started to see him in places he wasn't. When I went to an art gallery we had our last meeting etc. I had started online stalking to an extent. He is a VERY private person and so I found out little. Obviously this was out of control and very sad and extremely pathetic. I spoke to my GP and requested to be referred to a counselor. Waiting lists as they are. I was drinking again and heavily emaciated. I eventually just quit my life and went back home to my parents.

 

After six months of getting better and recovering and sobriety etc I feel much better. I believe I am actually a healthy weight for the first time in my life too.

 

Two days ago I emailed my old flatmate and he replied in email (Hi. How are you? Sorry I never replied to your last email.The thing is I am still GREATLY MAD at you. I know I should forgive and forget but I need more time."

 

Getting the opinion from my old flatmate who I lived with during my relationship with my ex. I was a fully blown addict. I accidentally broke things in the apartment. Created tremendous problems etc. Getting the reply from my flatmate sort of makes me feel like he answered my questions about my ex. My ex probably still does wonder how I am etc but is also angry at me.

 

I got things into perspective about my ex. Even though I still miss him and love him if he did come back tomorrow would it help me?! Probably not. I have only been sober three months and the recommended amount is 1 year before you embark on any relationships.

 

Anyway I still do want to make a mends with my friend and my ex one day. They both seem to want more time.

 

I suppose I am both asking for responses and thoughts and also answering questions on change to other users who want to know. Change is incredibly hard. I prefer to think of it more as evolving. Change takes a long time and does a lot of damage.

 

Just because I may have decided to get my **** together and refocus my life. Doesn't mean that my friend or my ex will be waiting on the other end ready to take me back. That doesn't mean they both don't care though. I understand that too.

 

I know one day I will contact my ex again. I am sure hopefully he will meet with me. But maybe the damage has been too great for us to ever get back together.

 

Anyone been in situations like this where they allowed addiction to ruin their lives and after they have rebuilt it situations with their friends and exe's?

 

I dated my ex. I know what type of person he is. I am just not sure how things will work out when I finally make contact with him again.

 

If the relationship with my ex had just been nothing special then I would have forgotten him by now. I wouldn't try and contact him in the past or one day in the future. Unfortunately I really love this man but fortunately right now not in love with him.

Edited August 17, 2013 by HarryWilliams

[Hoax]

About 6 months after break up we met again and it was like we had never been apart. But I was still a mess as a person and looking back I can see how I must have come across. He almost changed his mind. But then he realised nothing had really changed and went back to minimal or no contact.

 

How did you know that he nearly changed his mind? Maybe he was just being polite or wanted you as a friend?

 

Unfortunately so desperate to be with him whenever I got the opportunity to talk to him rather than just communicating with him I would always mention the relationship etc.

 

Do you think you will not do that this time around?

 

I then made one last message to him. Told him everything I still felt. Not really a proper reply from him. So I got rid of every line of contact with him. Living in hope of a reply online was not healthy for me and was exactly the kind of behaviour that made him leave me in the first place.

 

Are you convinced that your relationship and your own feelings have progressed beyond this point? We often feel as though we are 'out of the woods' but it becomes so different when you actually see that person again, when you see the uncertainty (or worse, the nonchalance) in their eyes, when there's the potential for them to use you for sex in a moment of weakness, or just to leave you 'breadcrumbs' and pepper your conversations with dead end flirtations.

 

After six months of getting better and recovering and sobriety etc I feel much better. I believe I am actually a healthy weight for the first time in my life too.

 

Congrats on this. You should be incredibly proud of how far you've come

 

My ex probably still does wonder how I am etc but is also angry at me.

 

Perhaps you are falsely equating the way your roommate feels with how your ex feels? It might not necessarily be the same. He could have moved on by now.

 

If the relationship with my ex had just been nothing special then I would have forgotten him by now.

 

There aren't always limitless opportunities with people. It would be really great if you could get back together, I totally understand that desire, but having been an addict and then having acted crazy post-breakup, it could really influence his opinion of you and his level of respect for you going into the future. Just something to keep in mind. I don't know either way.

 

I don't have any personal experience with addiction but I worry more about your own feelings getting hurt.

Edited August 17, 2013 by Hoax

[HarryWilliams]

No my feelings have not progressed to the point where I could contact him again yet. So I don't contact him. I get a lot of feeling in my heart and a lot of emotions when thinking of meeting him and this I know is very dangerous for me. To meet him now and be rejected would have the power to potentially throw me back into the abyss. So I don't go near him right now or try to reach out to him. On the other hand I cannot help how I feel about him.

 

What does moving on really mean? Yes I am sure he is looking for other people. He may be dating somebody new. But that doesn't mean he will never have some feelings or love for me?! I really can't imagine him being totally cold and dead to me in his heart. Just not the type of guy he is.

 

I suppose talking to my flatmate made me understand exactly how much damage I did during that time of my life.

 

I wish I could totally forget him for a while. I am dating new guys and so on. Or at least talking to new guys to date. Doesn't mean I have forgotten my ex though.

 

I sometimes worry I am be ridiculous. But you know when you feel something isn't over?! I just cannot help but feel that it is all totally over with my ex. I mean I accept that our relationship has been dead for along time etc. But I just don't feel like in life I will never see him again.

 

It is such a difficult and complex situation I find myself in. If for example I get what I want eventually and we do date again. What happens if we don't connect and it just doesn't seem to work again? That would be PAIN all over again. Yet on the other hand you never know and that not knowing if it could work leads to regret which in itself is difficult.

 

Any thoughts on why you both fall in love with each other so much and yet it seems you are not really compatible or find it hard to connect?

Edited August 17, 2013 by HarryWilliams

[Hoax]

Yes, I know how this feels. I'm still in love with my ex and I honestly find it difficult to imagine really being with someone else, and I think I still carry an image of us together one day in my heart. It's unhealthy, though. I'm glad to hear you are dating other people. Perhaps you just need more time? It sounds like you have made some major improvements in your life and you would be best to stick to your current regime at least until it becomes status quo before you reach out to him again.

[HarryWilliams]

It took him 9 months to start dating again. It only lasted about 2 months and this is partly the reason I deleted him from my life because it hurt.

 

What I have come to realise is if you are really in a bad place and vulnerable then seeing them dating again almost kills you.

 

Yet if you are stronger and healthier seeing them dating again isn't anywhere near as painful.

 

I mean I can go on dates with other guys even like them a lot but I still love my ex. Maybe he feels the same way. Maybe not.

 

If I contacted him now so little time has passed in the scheme of things I imagine he would just think I am trying yet again and it would just come off as pathetic anyway.

 

As much as I would like to think he still thinks about me I guess he probably never does. I mean I have had a lot of spare time recovering and resting which gives me time to think about him. Most probably he is very busy and not thinking about me. Which I guess is a good thing.

 

I wish I knew what to say or do to bring him back one day. I know I really screwed up BIG TIME. But for what it's worth I have tried my best to sort my life out and grow as a person.

[HarryWilliams]

I am not sure though "HOAX" whether time can heal me any more.

 

At this point I am pretty sure I will always want my ex back and see if it works between us without me being addicted and a healthy person that loves himself too.

 

If it was me I would have given me another chance had he been like me. But that's me. Obviously for him things work differently.

 

I think he feels he tried his best and give us a lot of time and nothing got better. So in that respect he feels like there is nothing left to be done. For me I feel like of course things never got better because I wasn't getting any better.

[Hoax]

Yeah, I think I understand how you feel very much. It's hurtful to think of, but the truth is our exes probably don't think about us much at all and I doubt that they really regret their decisions to leave us either.

 

You say if it were the other way around, you would give him another chance. This is just yet more proof that we were the more emotionally involved/'in love' parties in both of our lost relationships :/

 

If it really was the other way around, we might not take them back. People who end relationships are usually pretty serious about it, and when we grovel and cry and beg, we only confirm their suspicions about us as weak, pathetic and unworthy.

 

It's harsh but true.