Girlfriend going clubbing

[Marty33]

So I have a girlfriend I have been with for a little over a year now. I love her a lot and she loves me, but there's one thing that's bothering me.

 

She likes to go clubbing sometimes and obviously I don't like it. She tells me she goes there to just dance with her friends and I never forbid her to go (as that's something I don't think I should do nor something I WANT to do), but I always tell her it's not something I'm very fond of. My ex-girlfriend used to go clubbing, too, and clubs were the place, I later found out, where she would pick up the guys she would cheat with on me (be it just making out or an actual intercourse), so I think it's understandable I don't like my girlfriend going there, and I have told her the story of my ex as well, so she knows.

 

As I said, I never told her not to go, I just always say that I don't like it much, but she always assures me that she's there to only dance with her girlfriend and would never even look at or talk to a guy. I believed that and, because I trust my gf, I always was kind of okay with her going. However, I accidentally stumbled onto a picture of her at a club (I knew she went there) with some guys I did not know and confronted her about it. She said that they were just old friends from her home town and that she met them there and danced with them only for a few minutes, but I find it weird that she didn't tell me about it straight away and decided to keep this from me. If she told me, it would be fine, but the fact that she said nothing and I only found out by accident is what's worrying me.

 

So, my question is, what should I do? As I said, I love her a lot and she does me, and I don't want to forbid her anything, especially something she enjoys, but I have my reasons not to trust the club scene and my recent finding has put a shadow of a doubt on her trustworthiness.

 

She usually goes clubbing only with her girlfriends, so me going there with her is probably out of the question

 

What would you do? Any opinions? Thanks!

[The Way I Am]

She usually goes clubbing only with her girlfriends, so me going there with her is probably out of the question

 

Why? If she's not doing anything bad, I don't see why you wouldn't be allowed to come along. Have you asked her? My girl friends and I always appreciated having at least one guy we knew and trusted with us at the club to get rid of sleazeballs. But we genuinely were there just to dance and not to meet guys. I'd at least ask and see how she reacts.

[Joaquin]

Based on yr exs shananigans its no wonder yr a bit worried. But by making an issue of it yr just gonna come across as an insecure control freak and itll no doubt make u appear very unattractive over time.

 

Maybe u need to be with a girl who doesn't do boozy late nites with her mates. Or u could give her the benefit of the doubt and trust her.

[Jbum5]

She did not mention the other men in order to avoid fighting with you.

 

When you found out anyway, she likely watered down the details, also in an effort to avoid fighting with you.

 

You have a history that she is aware of so it makes her more conscious and selective in what she decides to disclose.

 

She chooses to do the above because she'd rather not give up having fun at the club with her girl friends (and maybe guy friends too, she just isn't going to admit it to you), even if she is serious about you.

 

She is likely still young and into that lifestyle.

 

You, therefore, have the option of putting up with it (given that she likely won't change right now) or breaking it and finding someone who has grown out of that lifestyle or was never into it in the first place.

 

Don't be a lovesick fool.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Spy on her.

 

Oh wait, I said that already. This is EASILY the simplest infidelity to bust (or prove innocent). Get a friend who doesn't know her go to the club one night. She either really does go to dance in a man free bubble, or she's a bar w.h.o.r.e. It is REALLY simple to find out which. SPY!!

 

Problem solved.

 

This is the correct response.

 

Listen OP, I'm a guy that used to be VERY into the club scene. Do all girls there hook up? No. But if she's going out even on a semi-regular basis to "hang out with the girls", then I'd be suspicious.

 

There's something that you need to understand about women. VERY few go out to "just dance". They either go out to:

 

1) hook up

2) attention-whore

 

Or a combination of the two.

 

Again, this is my observations from dating and being friends with many girls, frequenting nightclubs, and actually working at a few.

 

Don't be fooled again.....and start dating home-bodies.

[emva07]

I used to go to the club all the time with my girlfriends. Guys always came up to me to dance, I always said no. My bf said he didn't have issues because he knew that if i were cheating my behavior towards him would change and he'd notice.

 

That being said, a girl that's looking to cheat/attention....can EASILY get it at the club.

 

If my bf had told me not to go, I would deff ask him to come with me to ease his insecurities. When you care about someone, you try to compromise.

[Keenly]

A girl that goes to a club and turns down guys that want to dance? I'm not buying it. Not even a little bit.

[emva07]

A girl that goes to a club and turns down guys that want to dance? I'm not buying it. Not even a little bit.

 

She can dance, but what happens after is up to her.

[darkmoon]

A girl that goes to a club and turns down guys that want to dance? I'm not buying it. Not even a little bit.

 

sometimes it is best not to lead a man on, and there are girls nights out that are just to let off steam, nobody is looking for a ONS

 

I think OP should spy on her, she has not been proved guilty, not quite yet...xxxxxx

Edited August 17, 2013 by darkmoon

[aliveagain]

Why are you letting her go to the club without you? People go to clubs without their spouse's for one reason, to meet someone new. She's shopping, who's idea is it to let her go alone, yours or hers? If your doing things without the other your relationship is doomed.

[emva07]

I never cheated on my bf when I went clubbing, and none of my friends ever went home with any of them either. If a guy tried to get frisky we would put an end to it, if a guy was ok with keeping a distant that was great, if not we didn't dance with them. Some guys are really just there to dance....maybe salsa places are different? since ppl DO go there to just have a good night of dancing and it doesn't involve grinding? Idk.

 

Not that I'm saying she is or isn't, just saying not every girl goes out to cheat.

 

My friends would sometimes laugh and say I had eyes for no other than my bf. I would wish so badly he was there with me but he couldn't dance, and prob didn't care to learn. Sounds like you are willing to go though, and she's the one that doesn't want you there?

[Chi townD]

Dude, sorry. But, going out clubbing with the girls is the same as girls night out. If you do a search on this site for "girls night out" you will get thread after thread of horror stories.

 

Girl's clubbing happens because they like the attention they get from other guys. To dance with other guys and have them buy them drinks.

 

When she became committed to you, that stuff should have stopped or invite you along.

[bubbaganoosh]

Seems to me that you picked the same type of girl. I'm not saying that she's cheating on you but your first girlfriend liked to bar hop and now you picked another that does the same thing. When this relationship first started you should have had a good idea that she likes to hit the bars with her girlfriends.

 

In the future, find a girl more towards your lifestyle rather than a girl who enjoys the bar scene. Then you can be out with her having a nice evening rather than be posting on this forum. The problem I have seen on these forums, is guys look at the girls from the neck down rather than listening to what they have to say. If you open your ears and listen to them, then you get an idea of what type of person they are. Just saying.

[Babolat]

So I have a girlfriend I have been with for a little over a year now. I love her a lot and she loves me, but there's one thing that's bothering me.

 

She likes to go clubbing sometimes and obviously I don't like it. She tells me she goes there to just dance with her friends and I never forbid her to go (as that's something I don't think I should do nor something I WANT to do), but I always tell her it's not something I'm very fond of. My ex-girlfriend used to go clubbing, too, and clubs were the place, I later found out, where she would pick up the guys she would cheat with on me (be it just making out or an actual intercourse), so I think it's understandable I don't like my girlfriend going there, and I have told her the story of my ex as well, so she knows.

 

As I said, I never told her not to go, I just always say that I don't like it much, but she always assures me that she's there to only dance with her girlfriend and would never even look at or talk to a guy. I believed that and, because I trust my gf, I always was kind of okay with her going. However, I accidentally stumbled onto a picture of her at a club (I knew she went there) with some guys I did not know and confronted her about it. She said that they were just old friends from her home town and that she met them there and danced with them only for a few minutes, but I find it weird that she didn't tell me about it straight away and decided to keep this from me. If she told me, it would be fine, but the fact that she said nothing and I only found out by accident is what's worrying me.

 

So, my question is, what should I do? As I said, I love her a lot and she does me, and I don't want to forbid her anything, especially something she enjoys, but I have my reasons not to trust the club scene and my recent finding has put a shadow of a doubt on her trustworthiness.

 

She usually goes clubbing only with her girlfriends, so me going there with her is probably out of the question

 

What would you do? Any opinions? Thanks!

 

Read some of my posts on this topic with my EX gf.

 

I know she never cheated. She made it clear I was alwasy invited. And I did go sometimes. And I never once questioned her or told her to not go.

 

If you are not comfortable with it then I would move on, unless it's YOUR trust issue from your previous gf and your current gf is trustworthy.

 

I have no issues with a girls night out, dancing, clubbing, whatever. With my ex it was the frequency, the late nights and usually into the morning, heavy drinking, drugs and the environments she put herself in.

 

It was also a lifestle difference...compatability. I like to go out, drink, dance, party a little, not every weekend though and I maintain control of myself. She would drink to the point she was stumbling, slurring, needed a cab ride back to a friends house, passed out on the floor at a friends house, or in some cases her male best friends hotel room when he was in town for the weekend.

Edited August 19, 2013 by Babolat

[emva07]

 

In the future, find a girl more towards your lifestyle rather than a girl who enjoys the bar scene. Then you can be out with her having a nice evening rather than be posting on this forum. The problem I have seen on these forums, is guys look at the girls from the neck down rather than listening to what they have to say. If you open your ears and listen to them, then you get an idea of what type of person they are. Just saying.

 

This is very true. Clubbing aside, we have to go for people whose lifestyles we are comfortable with. Clubbing doesn't make her a bad person, but it's not something you necessarily enjoy about a partner.

[BeholdtheMan]

What would you do? Any opinions? Thanks!

In these situations, you only ever have two options and one of them isn't trying to control her (this never works).

 

You can either...

1) Tolerate her behaviour even though it annoys you.

 

or

 

2) Put your foot down. Say you're uncomfortable with her "girls night out" clubbing adventures. If she refuses to change, you leave.

 

Don't whine and take no action. Don't try to manipulate or guilt-trip her. It's either full tolerance or zero tolerance.

 

Full tolerance doesn't mean behaving like a door mat. It means that if she gives you reason to trust her and she's not disrespecting you, you don't whine and complain, you just give her your trust. This is easier said than done. If however red flags start popping up...lies, questionable photos, withholding information, I would advise zero tolerance. Man up and leave.

[almond]

Lol, most of the responses in this thread are completely and utterly ridiculous.

 

I go clubbing, both with and without my partner. I never flirt, and I do not act inappropriately towards guys in any way, shape or form. I respect my partner, and always act in a way that I would if he were right there next to me. I am happy to have a chat with men in the smoking area or what have you, and I simply mention my boyfriend very early on so as not to lead anyone on. Having random, drunken chats with new people is half the fun! I would never restrict my partner from doing this, and I expect the same in return. I have never let a guy buy me a drink. I am conscious of my surroundings, and appreciate that most (or all) men that speak to me do so with the initial intention of getting laid. I act accordingly, and try to politely and somewhat indirectly advise them that this is not going to happen - I've never had any problems. We end up having a chat, a laugh, and we leave it at that. I am a very social person, and I would quickly move on from anyone that was insecure enough to hold that against me.

 

I've met plenty of really cool guys out, and had some hilarious chats. My boyfriend is completely fine with all of this - he isn't insecure, and trusts me completely.

 

The negative and super-suspicious posts in this thread speak volumes about the posters and their attitudes. I mean, advocating spying!? Lol. "all women go to clubs for blah blah cheating blah blah attention whores." Please. Plenty of women go out clubbing to dress up, dance and have fun with their girlfriends, and nothing more.

 

You all need to relax IMO. If your girlfriend is a cheater, she will be a cheater whether she's clubbing or not.

Edited August 21, 2013 by almond

[crederer]

Yah just cause someone is clubbing doesn't mean they're going to cheat. They likely will have friendly interactions with other men, maybe flirt, but then go home to you. It's an ego boost and most people (men and women) do it. It's not cheating, you have to be confident in yourself in that she's into you and not them.

 

I mean honestly, when you're in a relationship, have you never interacted with the opposite sex ever?

 

If someone wants to cheat they'll find a way and it's just as likely that it will be with a coworker or friend, or someone they just met in the supermarket.....

 

 

Now I got a feeling we're going to see a thread saying "my girlfriend often talks to a male coworker" lol.

[drifter777]

I believe what Chi townD said: "Girl's clubbing happens because they like the attention they get from other guys". They need to prove over and over that they are desired by men and often willing to trade sex for the powerful feeling they get from being pursued by some drooling dudes. They don't understand that it has nothing to do with them; that a guy will drool over any flirty female that they think they can bed.

 

My question to you is why are subjecting yourself to this kind of anxiety and drama? Dump her and move on already. It's crazy to go through this kind of crap when you are single. Go out and have fun with the girls and stay away from these kind of "commitments" until you are truly ready to settle down with someone. If that someone has this "clubbing with her girlfriends" thing then just keep looking.

[almond]

Bahahahahahahaa

 

The last two posts were absolutely fabulous! I thank you both for the genuine lol

[The Way I Am]

This "every woman who goes to a club does it to rub on guys and get drooled over" paranoia is just as stupid as the "every man who gets a lap dance is hoping to bang the stripper" idiocy.

 

There's one question that I'm still waiting for an answer to, but OP seems to have gone away. If you're still around, Marty, I don't get why you seem to have just assumed that you're not welcome. You said "so me going there with her is probably out of the question" not "I asked and me going there with her is out of the question". I don't get why you wouldn't just ask if you can come along and have fun with her and her friends instead of assuming she must be doing horrible things and would never allow you to be there.

[emva07]

This "every woman who goes to a club does it to rub on guys and get drooled over" paranoia is just as stupid as the "every man who gets a lap dance is hoping to bang the stripper" idiocy.

 

There's one question that I'm still waiting for an answer to, but OP seems to have gone away. If you're still around, Marty, I don't get why you seem to have just assumed that you're not welcome. You said "so me going there with her is probably out of the question" not "I asked and me going there with her is out of the question". I don't get why you wouldn't just ask if you can come along and have fun with her and her friends instead of assuming she must be doing horrible things and would never allow you to be there.

 

That's something I was wondering too.

 

....I never go clubbing to get guys. When my bf went out to the bars with friends I never assumed he was there to hit on the bartenders.

 

If she wanted to cheat she could do it anywhere, doesnt' need the club to do so. Now you not trusting her is a whole new can of worms, but is independant of the club going. Not for all girls, but everyone here is making it sound like 99% of girls do this.

Edited August 21, 2013 by emva07

[The Way I Am]

I'll go with that analogy, fine.

 

Oh, geez. I should have realized someone would use my criticism of idiotic paranoia to launch into some idiotic paranoia. Now I'm sorry I mentioned it.

 

That was NOT an analogy between strip clubs and clubs. I did NOT say "a woman going to clubs is like a man going to strip clubs". I did not and have never said that either gender going to strip clubs are like or similar to the opposite gender going to dance clubs. In fact, there's a long thread where I tried to point out that's not the case. I don't really feel like repeating that discussion here.

 

If you want to go the childish "give him/her a taste of their own medicine" route, the way to do so in this case is to go to start going to clubs with guy friends.

Edited August 22, 2013 by The Way I Am

[The Way I Am]

You don't understand why I say "EVERY" woman goes to a club to screw a stranger. I don't understand why you all say no woman "EVER" goes to a club t meet and screw a stranger.

 

Wait a second. Now that I look at it, neither one of us said any such thing.

 

Yeah, you didn't say "EVERY" you just said "VERY few exceptions". Just as stupid and paranoid.

 

People go clubbing to meet and party with members of the opposite sex. VERY few exceptions. Meeting men, partying with them, dancing with them, flirting with them is fine, IF the BF/Husband knows about it. She doesn't tell him, and we all know why.

[Jbum5]

The thread is fluctuating between two extremes, but here is something people are collectively attempting to write:

 

Taken women who club (especially regularly) do not necessarily sleep with strange men, but many of these same women enjoy the ego boost from the sexual attention received. Because sexual attention can often involve flirting, the woman is considered to have cheated if she flirts back.

 

So flirting = cheating while in a relationship, not just necessarily outright sleeping with strangers. At least a few posters alluded to this.

 

Everyone has slightly varying standards to where they consider the line is drawn, so the above can be reasonable.