Girlfriend going clubbing

[emva07]

or if they ever do, do not make a regular habit of it.

 

I think this tiny sentence here is KEY to this whole argument.

 

Seems like the people who have had experiences with cheating women at the club on here were with women who went every week or something close to that frequency. That is where I can start buying into the argument that she's going for attention/to cheat.

 

If a woman is going maybe once a month, once every two months, for friend's birthday, work promotion or stuff like that, she is most likely just looking for a good time and not attention of other men.

 

Brick describes it well here:

 

"If 5 of my male friends ask me for a night out and there are no girls or girlfriends in attendance, then I am not going to ask my girlfriend to go. I am also not going to refuse to go out and diminish my friendships on account of being in a relationship. I'd expect the same of my girlfriend and expect that we both trust each other to be able to go out without supervision and manage not to fall into bed with a stranger."

 

No foul here, he was invited by friends, he wants to hang out with them, so why would he say no, his intentions are to hang out, not to cheat. Yeah maybe a girl might flirt, that's cool, but that doesn't mean he'll give in.

 

Now, If this was something he just LOVED to do every single weekend without SO, that's when it could start being a concern to SO.

[The Way I Am]

In your hurry to type "idiotic paranoia" over and over

 

No hurry. Quite leisurely actually.

 

you didn't even bother responding to what I posted.

 

Because it's stupid, slightly off-topic, and I've already addressed why and how it's stupid at length elsewhere -- where it was more on-topic.

 

The comparison between a woman being annoyed of her man going to strip clubs and a man being annoyed of his woman going to clubs to sop attention is apt and I'll stick to it.

 

Idiotic paranoia is apt, and I'll to stick to it.

Edited August 22, 2013 by The Way I Am
Forgot to address the first two "points"

[KungFuJoe]

Some hilariously neurotic responses in this thread.

 

Op, if she isn't giving you anything to suspect she's cheating, then why worry?

 

Girls go to clubs for all sorts of reasons. Sure, some go to hook up, but some also go because they like dancing with their girlfriends.

 

We can all sit here and try and think up potential scenarios, but it really comes down to ONE thing.

 

Do you trust her?

 

If you trust her, then by all means, let her have her fun. If you don't trust her, then that's a whole OTHER problem.

 

Me, personally, I love going to clubs so it's rare that my wife (or any previous girl I've dated, been with, etc) has ever gone alone. But on the occasions that they have...I had NO problem with it whatsoever. Why? Because I trusted them and had no reason to doubt their intentions.

[Els]

This is probably something that both of you have to agree on, OP - I don't personally like such behavior in a R, so I agree with you on this, but your gf evidently feels differently. If you can't work out a compromise, probably best to chalk it down to incompatibility.

 

A girl that goes to a club and turns down guys that want to dance? I'm not buying it. Not even a little bit.

 

Weren't you the guy who said in another thread that the poster who was hanging out at his female ex-FWB's house 2-3 times a week was completely within his right to do so, and his gf was just being crazy and insecure because she didn't trust him? The hypocrisy would be amusing, if it weren't so typical.

[BeholdtheMan]

just as stupid as the "every man who gets a lap dance is hoping to bang the stripper" idiocy.

I sure wouldn't mind though

[Chi townD]

Big difference when guys go out with guys and girls go out with girls.

 

Guys go to the sports bar with his friends to watch the football game and eat wings. He leaves the house wearing jeans a t-shirt and a ballcap.

 

Girls leave the house to go clubbing with the girls are wearing a skin tight, black, mini dress. Hair and make up done up to the nines and wearing 5 inch heels.

 

I have NEVER been to a club where I've seen a cute girl wearing jeans, a sweatshirt and a ballcap with a ponytail out the back.

 

Now, out of the two examples, which one of the two are looking for attention?

[crederer]

Just because they're looking for attention doesn't mean they're going to cheat.

 

I've been in bars and flirted with girls before. It's nice to know that someone else out there wants you other than the person the "has" to want you because you're their partner.

 

I never cheated though, and never even considered it an option. It was just for fun.

[Chi townD]

Just because they're looking for attention doesn't mean they're going to cheat.

 

I've been in bars and flirted with girls before. It's nice to know that someone else out there wants you other than the person the "has" to want you because you're their partner.

 

I never cheated though, and never even considered it an option. It was just for fun.

 

 

But if your in a loving and caring relationship, why would you need to SEEK the attention from others. Isn't that disrespectful to the person that your with?

 

To me, it just seems like your scratching at the lock on Pandora's Box. Screw with it long enough; eventually, it's going to pop open.

[youngnlove89]

Just so you know....

 

When I have a boyfriend and he tells me he is insecure about something (having guy friends, going clubbing, or me going to Vegas), I put him as my PRIORITY and do whatever I can do to make him comfortable. Trust is 99% of a relationship. If I love him, I respect him. So I either drop that guy friend, stop going clubbing (or invite you to join) and take a rain check for Vegas when my boyfriend can join me.

 

That's what a caring girlfriend does.

 

When you are in the right relationship, jealousy or insecurity doesn't exist.

[youngnlove89]

I'd argue you're not in the right relationship if you have to sacrifice things you love to appease your boyfriend's insecurities.

 

It is not sacrificing at all! I am no longer single when in a relationship. I can't do the same things like a single woman would do. I can't go on random dates, have one night stands, go out dancing and partying and drinking.

 

When you accept a relationship, things change. It's not giving up thing, it's just changing how you do things. I don't think there is anything wrong with inviting my bf out instead of going alone. I don't think it's wrong to give up clubbing, because when you go out you are approached by men and offered shots. You are putting yourself out there as a single woman. And I think it is necessary to always invite your SO out. Now, if you have a girls night and go see a movie and have dinner and wine...that's different. But going to bars with girls willingly knowing there will be horny men there...hello, you aren't single anymore!

 

A relationship is about two people. Being single is about one person. In a relationship we have to think about the other person and respect them. It's not a control thing. It's a consideration, being treated the way you would want to.

[youngnlove89]

If your BF ever messes up, promise you'll give me a shout! Most refreshing.

 

lol. Well I'm single!! My boyfriend couldn't commit to me so left me.

[crederer]

But if your in a loving and caring relationship, why would you need to SEEK the attention from others. Isn't that disrespectful to the person that your with?

 

To me, it just seems like your scratching at the lock on Pandora's Box. Screw with it long enough; eventually, it's going to pop open.

 

It's just the way people are by nature. I'm fairly open minded. My girl would flirt with guys and they'd buy her drinks. She did it for free booze and it didn't bother me in the least.

 

It's all about the intent behind it, I guess is what I'm trying to say.

 

Just like when I flirt with women I am not intending on it going anywhere, it's just for fun, for sport, if you will.

[youngnlove89]

Sorry to hear, imagine you won't be available very long with your attitude.

 

:-) Well I actually want to be single. I am not interested in dating other people at the moment. I want my next relationship to be successful, and still pining over my ex won't allow the best for my next boyfriend. Time to focus on me!

 

Anyways back to OP, just remember, if there is something you want out of your relationship, VOICE IT! Talk to her, not us. You have your advice now, but it's really best to get her point of view!

[youngnlove89]

It's just the way people are by nature. I'm fairly open minded. My girl would flirt with guys and they'd buy her drinks. She did it for free booze and it didn't bother me in the least.

 

It's all about the intent behind it, I guess is what I'm trying to say.

 

Just like when I flirt with women I am not intending on it going anywhere, it's just for fun, for sport, if you will.

 

This is a situation where you must find the right person for you. Flirting to me is not something I would want my boyfriend to do. Nor is it something I care to do when in a relationship. You have to find the right person for you, the one that matches you best, is the moral of the story.

[Chi townD]

It is not sacrificing at all! I am no longer single when in a relationship. I can't do the same things like a single woman would do. I can't go on random dates, have one night stands, go out dancing and partying and drinking.

 

When you accept a relationship, things change. It's not giving up thing, it's just changing how you do things. I don't think there is anything wrong with inviting my bf out instead of going alone. I don't think it's wrong to give up clubbing, because when you go out you are approached by men and offered shots. You are putting yourself out there as a single woman. And I think it is necessary to always invite your SO out. Now, if you have a girls night and go see a movie and have dinner and wine...that's different. But going to bars with girls willingly knowing there will be horny men there...hello, you aren't single anymore!

 

A relationship is about two people. Being single is about one person. In a relationship we have to think about the other person and respect them. It's not a control thing. It's a consideration, being treated the way you would want to.

 

 

I think you just gave every brokenhearted young man on these forums hope again. That a girl with your standards and morals actually exists!

 

Don't be surprise you start getting a ton of PM's from dudes. LOL!!!

[Joaquin]

:-) Well I actually want to be single. I am not interested in dating other people at the moment. I want my next relationship to be successful, and still pining over my ex won't allow the best for my next boyfriend. Time to focus on me!

 

Anyways back to OP, just remember, if there is something you want out of your relationship, VOICE IT! Talk to her, not us. You have your advice now, but it's really best to get her point of view!

 

You sound very classy.

 

Good post.

Edited August 28, 2013 by Joaquin

[tru]

You mentioned in your post before this that trust is 99% of a relationship. You're right, trust is the foundation a relationship is built upon. So I agree with you when you say that you can't have one night stands or go on dates anymore, but I strongly disagree when you say that you can't go out dancing and partying and drinking.

 

See, trust is just that, trust. Trust isn't the obliteration of anything that might put you in a position where you get approached, or the removal of anything that your boyfriend perceives as a threat. Trust is knowing that your partner is likely to get approached sometimes, but letting them get on with it anyway, because you know they will decline the advances and always return home to you. Not going out because your boyfriend is worried that you will cheat on him when you do is actually supporting his lack of trust.

 

You speak like bars and clubs are only for single people. I go out with my guy friends all the time whether I'm in a relationship or not. I still have a good time and I don't cheat. I would expect my girlfriend to do the same and I would be concerned if our relationship was curtailing on her friendships and the activities that she is 'allowed' to do with her friends. Do your boyfriends still go out with their male friends or is it forbidden?

 

It also sets a dangerous precedent. When you want to go out on a work night in a couple of years, or away to a conference, or your boyfriend decides he is uncomfortable with you going out for meals with female friends, are you going to cancel these activities again for him, just because he is insecure? Does it matter that you wouldn't cheat? Whats the difference if you wouldn't cheat in a club with your friends either? It's not a huge leap to see something like that happening after you have already quit going out with your girlfriends for a guy.

 

Yes, relationships require sacrifice. Emotion, time, energy, the list goes on. But you don't have to sacrifice the things that you enjoy doing though just because the other person disapproves of them. Honestly, if a girl was bugging me about partying with my friends, it's a relationship ender. I'd expect the same from her if I moaned about her going out. If she's not going out with her friends in some kind of effort to appease me I'd be very concerned and encourage her to get back out there. You can't build trust if you never come into contact with a member of the opposite sex, if you never go out alone, if you always have to check in and update each other etc. All you're doing is creating a projection of trust when, really, you're just monitoring and sucking the life out of each other.

 

Be happy and do what you want to do. Don't date people who can't come to terms with who you are or the things you enjoy. The right partner for you will let you do these and be comfortable with it, because he'll actually trust you. That's more proof of trust than killing your social life will ever be.[/quote

yeah might be true for the trust worthy however in case think not.

[youngnlove89]

Brick, I'm not hear to debate. My personal opinion is this: if you aren't happy and you and your SO don't share the same values/morals, get out while you can or you will be in a relationship that never gives. And you will constantly have that feeling that something is missing.

 

I just truly think that everyone has their own set standards. Brick, you are someone who seems confident and very secure, that is great. And you would need someone who is the same. Other people on the other hand, aren't as secure/confident and most likely that stems from issues in the past...those people need to meet someone who can balance that out for them. Someone who see's things the same way you do.

 

Life is too short to waste your time with someone who doesn't make you happy. I've learned this the hard way!

 

:bunny::bunny:

[The Way I Am]

Its not about that. Its about that she planned to meet these guys there when it is out of the question that the boyfriends should stay away.

 

I think you misread. Nowhere did OP say her friend planned to meet the guys there. OP stated "She said that they were just old friends from her home town and that she met them there and danced with them only for a few minutes". No mention of it being planned.

 

Also, OP apparently just assumes he's not allowed to go. He's never come back to clarify why he thinks that.

 

Speaking of OP. I think he's gone. Only one post and never came back. Marty33 are you still around?

Edited August 30, 2013 by The Way I Am

[The Way I Am]

If she "met" them there, wouldn't it have to be planned? Otherwise she just happened to see them there. And in any case, wouldn't you think she'd have said, "hey, I saw some friends from school there".

 

You're making a lot of judgements based on second-hand wording.

 

Perhaps OP can clarify.

 

After this long, I don't think he's coming back.

 

Either way, it seems that girls night out means no men. Well, no boyfriends anyway.

 

This is a judgement based on what may be only an assumption by the OP.

[jimmytwowheels]

I'd just like to say that I'm mildly amused by the assumptions made about posters here. Someone said that it was all bitter, betrayed people, who were damaged from cheating. Another said we post here because our relationships are in the crapper.

 

My SO (soon to be fiancee) and I are in a very healthy relationship. I only post and read here because I've been in a lot of awful relationships and hoped that maybe I could offer some advice from my experiences.

 

I suppose the OP is gone, but regardless, maybe others will learn something from the stories that others have shared and the viewpoints given.

 

Personally, I don't care for clubs, or even bars. I like to drink, but I'm a house partier, or even better I like to down a bottle or two of wine with my lady while we watch a movie. It's cheap and comfy. And the bedroom is within easy reach lol.

 

She goes out with girlfriends every now and then, and I don't have a problem with it, because I trust her. She can go to a club in the city and I'll go grab a beer with friends. But she isn't addicted to the club like the OPs gf is. I'd personally have a problem with her if she was, and I'd let her.

 

One time we took my boss to a strip club (because he's a mormon and it's funny) and I called her FROM the strip club to let her know where I was. While smoking out back with two strippers haha. She trusts me, knows I find the place on the whole disgusting.

 

It's not a question of whether the clubbing is wrong. It's the fact that she should know that it makes you uncomfortable, and if she knows that, and does nothing to make you feel better, then she is in the wrong, and being ignorant.

[Chi townD]

This is a zombie thread folks!

[Chi townD]

Being just over 2 weeks when I first saw it, its new to me, which is why I responded.

 

Having said that, and seeing that he only has the one post, I'm wondering if he is dealing with his clubbing girlfriend. He might be too busy moving out, if living with her.

 

 

Does it really matter? The OP has one post and gone. Hit and run thread. So, we're not really helping anyone here. Just a debate (to which I was a part of, guilty as charged). The only reason I posted "zombie thread" is because anything being said here is not benefiting anyone. However, there are a ton of hurt folks that are standing by and eagerly waiting and desperate for help and that could USE our help. Just informing people that they're wasting there time on someone that isn't reading or even coming back.

[LifeGoesOnMan]

don't be blind bro, cuz that's what love does to you.

 

you have a picture of her with dudes @ a club, that she didn't show or tell you about...

 

she says they are only "old friends" from her "hometown"...means they have some sort of history with her...

 

its bull**** bro.

 

that feeling in your gut...listen to it.

[chucksagent]

Tale as old as time...song as old as ryhme...

 

slutty girl and the cllluuuuuuubbb...(Beauty and the Beast reference...lol)

 

Normal girls give up that petty crap when they put on their big girl adult pants and want to have a serious relationship. It's common courtesy not to hang out at a meat market when your spoken for.

 

Many of us have this SAME problem my friend when growing up because we fall for this person and don't want to lose them...but if they aren't ready to be serious then find someone who will. You deserve better.