he gets angry when I get upset!!!!!!!!!!Advice please!!!

[misskelly]

Hi there, I'm new to this board, Just needed some feedback. I've been going out with my BF for 3 yrs. Problem is that whenever I'm down he cannot console me or reassure me. He says I'm usually down over something he did/said, over the relationship, but even if that were true, it makes it so much worse if he doesn't comfort me. It makes me regret that I turned to him and confided in him, and it makes me feel very lonely. Some people might say that one has to learn to comfort oneself & I try but I still miss a shoulder to cry on. I think he feels put down whenever I'm upset so he may withdraw to protect his own feelings.

 

The other day he told me it did no good to console me since we continue these discussions regardless, and I wonder what he means by that. The other day he asked me why I was sad & I told him how his tone of voice had brought back painful memories of my dad; he didn't say much at all & turned over in bed. I guess he heard me sniffling when he asked what was the matter for the second time. I told him I would have liked him to give me extra affection or console me in some way. He said he couldn't believe we were having that discussion and how it reminded him of the time before he moved out. Then I decided to ask him directly if he could please give me a kiss. He didn't move for some time. He ended up giving me affection but the time he took to do so made me feel like I wasn't very lovable to him. When I'm in high spirits though, he does give me affection & loving.

 

I believe our dynamic was largely shaped by this. We argued a lot before. I'd bring something up and in place of reassurance & consoling he questioned and argued my feelings until we'd both end up angry and the original issues went by unresolved. So it happened often.

 

How would you handle this problem? I'm at a crucial point in my life, I'm 36 & want to have children soon and I should decide whether this can be solved or not.

[moimeme]

I suggest you read Men are from Mars by John Grey. While I don't subscribe to all his theories, he says men feel bad and wrong when their women are upset because of them. Therefore they don't respond well. You both need to talk about this but getting some inside insight from a male in the form of that book might be useful before you broach the subject. And when you do, make sure it's not in the middle of one of these situations but rather when you are both getting on well and having a good day.

[misskelly]

Thankyou for your suggestion, I've actually read the book, it's great and has a lot of truths for me & my relationship. It helps me understand where my BF is coming from. Nevertheless it's still difficult to live with. Wondering if anyone on the post has had a similar experience and how they dealt with it.

[Nosmas]

The suggestion to read Grey is a good one. If nothing else it certainly makes these moments more entertaining. But if you're 36, want a child, and (I suppose) want to be married to this guy: YOU WILL NOT CHANGE HIM.

 

So, you will have to change yourself. Get out the magic wand and "Cowboy Up" those emotional episodes? Unhappily, there is no wand. My guess is that while there are elements that cause you concern that your BF reminds you of your father, there are also elements of this nature you've found attractive.

 

Cry on a girlfriend's shoulder,

Nosmas

[Pocky]

Overly-emotional people are very difficult for me to deal with. I'm not making an excuse for your boyfriend, but it may be that he doesn't have the patience to deal with you. It seems like you get upset quite a lot and you look for him to cheer you up or make you feel better. It's hard work always trying to make someone else happy - have you ever thought that maybe you're depressed? I think you're placing blame on him instead of looking at why you need so much emotional care taking.

 

I'm not trying to be mean - please don't interpret it that way, but I think that you may be having some depression problems of your own and unfortunately your boyfriend isn't going to be able to fix them by being more patient and caring with you. He may be growing tired of your emotional needs.