Insecure me or cheating man?

[22pinesway]

So I've been with my husband for 8 years. He has never cheated or lied to me. He treats me very well and we have a great relationship. However, he frequently has to go out of town for business.

 

I just have this feeling like something is going on with someone else but I can't tell if its just me being insecure or jealous. He has been gone for a month at a place that is 2 hours away.

 

The first week: I know that he works a lot and understand that he can't call me on his lunch everyday so I asked him to text me if he's too busy to talk. And he wasn't calling or texting me during his lunch. He did call me every evening though. Of course I still got upset that he couldn't even text me during lunch. At the end of the week he came back home to visit me. I looked at his phone and found no evidence of him calling or texting anyone else that he shouldn't be. And in fact for every excuse that he gave me for not texting or calling during lunch turned out to be confirmed through his texts to others. also when he came home i noticed that he had shaved and this is unlike him to do during the work week.

 

The 2nd week: he was able to call a few minutes for lunch everyday and a few minutes in the evening, so we hardly got to talk that week, about 15mins a day for the week which upset me. He came home for one day at the end of the week. I looked at his browser history and he had cleared it. Still nothing bad on his phone. But he did shave again which is not like him. Before he left for the next week he shaved in front of me.

 

3rd week: one day he promised me he'd call at a certain time because his work had to be canceled for that hour. Well he didn't call for about 3 hours later. The next day, the same thing. He told me that he didn't have to start work until late and could call me at exactly 1:30pm because that's when I'd be on lunch at my job. I ended up getting sick that day and stayed home from work. I texted him and said that I wasn't going to work and that he could call earlier. Well it gets to 1:35 and I know he was awake because I saw he was on social media, so I call him and his phone is shut off...this is out of the ordinary because he uses his phone as an alarm clock and ive never seen him shut it off.He calls at about 2:15 he says that his seminars got changed around and he was getting things together. I was actually able to find evidence online to confirm what he said was true. He claims that he had trouble sleeping so he shut his phone off to help.

 

Week 4: he was supposed to have a 3 day weekend where I'd be able to see him. However now he tells me that he has to work two of those days and doesn't feel like coming home for the one day when his work is close to being over. However online I didn't see anything about adding the two additional days.

 

When he did come home during these weeks, he seemed a little distant, spending a lot of time on The Internet , right in front of me. I don't know if he was more distant than usual or if I craved his attention and when it wasn't on me I felt neglected. Both times he came home we did sleep together, and it didn't seem any different than usual. And both times he came home he did give me lots of kisses, even when he thought I was asleep.

 

And he mention about doing a similar trip in the summer next year and my stomach just went to knots.

 

Does it seem like something could be going on or am I just insecure because I can't tell.

[anna121]

From what you've said I wouldn't necessarily conclude he is cheating. He may just be an "out of sight; out of mind" person.

 

It is also possible that he needs less contact than you do, and could even like his solo time. Are you very compatible in terms of how much time you like to spend together when he is around? Or is it generally you wanting to spend more time with him?

 

The trick is to negotiate how much contact you will have and not get whiny or mad. Try to see his perspective, and turn it into a win-win.

 

I mean, I assume you want him to WANT to text you everyday, right? And not just do it out of obligation?

[emva07]

whenever you feel someone is distant, it's not just you, something is off.

 

I always had proof that excuses were confirmed but it still turned out to be cheating.

 

I mean we don't know if him not calling/txting/the shaving/and the trip necessarily means he's cheating.

 

But the him being distant is not a good thing. Either he's cheating or looking to cheat.

[22pinesway]

Thanks for the responses. Before this trip of his, we spent about 6 months together, pretty much every night and its was great. I dont think we could have spent more time together.We have a really great relationship, so if he is cheating I think it's just for sex, because I know he loves me.

 

He has always spent a lot of time online. But it felt weird when we had one day a week together and he spent a few hours lying in bed looking on the Internet. I laid with him and talked to him and he had his arm around me. I wish he would have just talked to me straight on without being online.

 

I do want him to want to text and call me. I've been telling him the trouble I've had with him going away and he tells me he's doing everything he can to talk to me. He also said that maybe I don't want him to have any fun without me. I told him that I want him to enjoy himself, I just want him to want to be with me more.

 

He is very smart so if he is doing something he would know how to hide it. Part of me says he's behaving himself since he did come home twice. Part of me says something's up because he has added on extra days that I haven't found any evidence of.

 

It is possible that he's just enjoying himself and feels like "it's only a month" and he'll be back. But I've never felt this worried before and he used to go on business trips all the time.

[emva07]

Thanks for the responses. Before this trip of his, we spent about 6 months together, pretty much every night and its was great. I dont think we could have spent more time together.We have a really great relationship, so if he is cheating I think it's just for sex, because I know he loves me.

 

He has always spent a lot of time online. But it felt weird when we had one day a week together and he spent a few hours lying in bed looking on the Internet. I laid with him and talked to him and he had his arm around me. I wish he would have just talked to me straight on without being online.

 

I do want him to want to text and call me. I've been telling him the trouble I've had with him going away and he tells me he's doing everything he can to talk to me. He also said that maybe I don't want him to have any fun without me. I told him that I want him to enjoy himself, I just want him to want to be with me more.

 

He is very smart so if he is doing something he would know how to hide it. Part of me says he's behaving himself since he did come home twice. Part of me says something's up because he has added on extra days that I haven't found any evidence of.

 

It is possible that he's just enjoying himself and feels like "it's only a month" and he'll be back. But I've never felt this worried before and he used to go on business trips all the time.

 

My mom always says, if you feel something's up it's because something is up you just want to believe it's not.

 

She also says, but who am I to tell you what's going on, you need to witness it for yourself and learn it the hard way.

 

Good luck in coping when you find out your fears are a reality. It really hurts, but know it's not your fault.

Edited August 17, 2013 by emva07

[22pinesway]

Emva, how did you find out he was cheating on you? I don't know what else to look for.

 

I've been looking up characteristics of a cheater and most of them don't work on my situation. His work has always been sporadic and crazy hours, he's always been on the computer a lot. I've also read that cheaters often act either really nice or extremely distant. He hasn't been overly nice but he hasn't been ignoring me, but It did feel distant when he was on the computer so long instead of just being with me. The rest of the day, he took me to breakfast, dinner, and we went shopping. However the last hour of the night he spent on his phone with his brother. It didn't bother me at the time because i figured if we aren't getting much time to talk then he hasn't been talking to his brother.

 

The one thing that makes me think that he is not cheating is because his "down there" hadn't been shaved and I know he likes to keep it groomed. I figure if he's with a new lady he'd probably want it groomed for her.

 

I spoke to a family member, who knows him pretty good and they said they think I'm just paranoid since I've been complaining the entire time he's been away. Plus my family member was cheated on repeatedly and said that they don't see him as being a cheater.

 

I hope that he's not and I have to believe that, but everything I've been reading says that if I suspect something there usually is something....and that makes me nervous

[salparadise]

Regardless of what emva's mother said, or her pessimistic predisposition, I don't think you have any reason to be suspicious of your husband. I think you're paranoid and looking for reasons where none exist. My mother said don't make up stories in your head, and don't turn fleeting irrational thoughts into full-blown assumptions (ok, my mother didn't say that, her son did). You said yourself that you have a great relationship––spend that energy showing him how much you appreciate him so you can keep it that way.

[22pinesway]

It could be like Anna said, and that maybe he thinks that he is away for only a little while and so calling/texting and the extra days aren't a big deal because he'll be back soon. I could see him feeling that way.

 

My family agrees with you salparadise. They think I'm being paranoid and looking for reasons and problems. They don't think he is a cheater.

 

I also wonder that if he's not cheating that maybe I'm making it easy for him to not call when he says he will. He knows that I'm at home the majority of the time. He knows that every time he calls ill be able to answer and he knows that when he texts ill respond. I want to just ignore a phone call or two, but I was advised that doing that could cause more problems.

[22pinesway]

Although I want to think he's not doing anything. I texted him a few hours a go because a friend went into the hospital and he hasn't responded at all. Which isn't a big deal but I just saw that he was on Facebook. I really feel torn over the situation.

[anna121]

If I msg'd my husband, didn't get a response and saw that he was FB you can be damn sure I would immediately send him a message via chat.

 

I think you had a good idea in post #8. Don't play games, but DO take advantage of this time and do some fun stuff for yourself! How about some girl time, or taking up a favourite hobby? Get out of the house. Not only will it probably make you feel better, if he's started to take you for granted it might get his attention.

[22pinesway]

I just realized that their is something wrong and not just me being paranoid. I can tell because I texted him earlier about my family being in the hospital and he didn't respond and I saw that he was on Facebook. When I saw him on Facebook I called and he didn't answer. He called me about an hour after that. Claiming that he was just on fb for a few minutes before getting in he shower and THat his phone was off and he was calling me as he to out of he shower.

 

I thought I was being paranoid crazy, but you'd think that if someone texts you "emergency" and then a description, that they'd respond, even before taking a shower. So I don't think it's just me. I think it's one of two option:

 

1) he's cheating

2) he's taking me for granted and has made me a lower priority than his work

[emva07]

i'm trying to send you a private message to respond to your question but it says you don't accept.

[22pinesway]

Emva, it won't let me send or receive private messages because I'm a newer member. When it does ill let you know.

[The Way I Am]

Suspecting something is up isn't always an indicator that something is up. Some people are just paranoid by nature. My boyfriend, for example, seems worried that I'm sleeping with every male I speak to on a semi-regular basis. Which I'm not.

 

On the other hand, if you're not a paranoid person, and you think something's up, something probably is. If you've had a relationship with a person for a year or more, never suspected a thing then suddenly feel like something is off, something probably is.

 

The fact that you've had no worries about him going on these business trips in the past tells me you're not a paranoid person, and there's probably reason for you to worry. It's kind of odd that he wouldn't groom downstairs if he's cheating. If I had to guess, I'd say he's got a crush on a coworker but hasn't slept with her yet.

 

I think you should definitely be on guard and check up on whatever he says. Is there some way you can get concrete confirmation about the extra two days he says he'll be working. Like somebody at the company you can call and be like "I can't get ahold of my husband right now, but I really need to schedule [whatever]. Can you tell me what day he's coming back from the work trip?"

[CC12]

Claiming that he was just on fb for a few minutes before getting in he shower and THat his phone was off and he was calling me as he to out of he shower.

 

Well, how did he respond when he found out someone was in the hospital? Did you tell him that you were upset because you couldn't get a hold of him? Was he surprised and apologetic?

 

I thought I was being paranoid crazy, but you'd think that if someone texts you "emergency" and then a description, that they'd respond, even before taking a shower.

 

Do you really think that your husband of eight years saw your emergency text, shrugged his shoulders, and went back to browsing Facebook? That would be really messed up if he did that, and your relationship has more problems than him potentially cheating on you.

 

To me, it really looks like you're being paranoid. Instead of believing his pretty plausible story, you immediately assume the worst and think something must be wrong and he must be cheating or he's taking you for granted. If he had been a dirty, lying dog throughout your relationship, I'd say your suspicions are probably correct, but you said in your OP that he's never lied to you or cheated on you, and that you have a great relationship.

 

I don't want to hurt your feelings, but do you know why he hasn't been calling as much as you want him to? In my opinion, it's because you're being too demanding and clingy, and it's very likely exhausting for him. For the first week, he called you every night, but you still got upset that he didn't text or call during his lunch breaks. The second week, he did call you every lunch break and every evening. You still got upset that it was only about 15 minutes per day. Third week, you're upset again because both of your schedules cleared up, and you expected him to have phone calls with you instead of you both getting to enjoy some unexpected personal time. You're putting a lot of pressure on him and taking things too personally.

 

I know it's hard for you to be away from him, but you've got to manage your own personal time better and not expect so much from him. Be more busy. You've remembered every single time he hasn't contacted you, you tried to analyze his personal grooming habits, and you let all this nonsense fester in your brain until it resulted in paranoia. You're invading his privacy to fact-check his stories like you're his mother or parole officer. If he's been a good husband, he doesn't deserve that from you.

 

It is possible that he's just enjoying himself and feels like "it's only a month" and he'll be back.

 

I think that's very possible. Again, not trying to hurt your feelings, but you seem like you're being a handful at the moment. Maybe he needs a little time for himself.

 

So my advice is to stop snooping. This is somewhat of a controversial topic around here, so I hope it doesn't start a derail. Some people say snooping is fine, some disagree. It's not even about that in your case, it's about not letting yourself obsess over trivial junk, and spending more time focusing on something healthy, like a hobby you enjoy. And trust your husband. He's been good to you for eight years, and he's still being pretty damn good to you, if a little distant (which is kind of understandable.)

 

Allow him some freedom while he's away. Fifteen minutes of daily contact scattered throughout the day seems very reasonable to me. That could just be me. How much time do you think seems reasonable? Honest question.

Edited August 18, 2013 by CC12

[2sunny]

Since he seems to spend so much of his free time on facebook - can you log into his page and see if he's messaging/chatting with someone through that avenue?

 

He's on there a lot for a reason - find out why FB is more important than supporting his wife.

 

If it were me - I wouldn't text or call him. I'd let him see how it feels to be ignored - and I'd be honest and tell him he's being a lousy communicator.

[22pinesway]

My family agrees with you CC12. They think he is just hard at work and I'm just too demanding. And I was believing this.

 

However, a close family member went to the hospital last night and is having major surgery. He never responded to my text. Later on he called for about 5 minutes saying he just got out of the shower and I saw he was on Facebook. He said he was going out to dinner and promised we have a long talk when he was finished. He went to dinner at 8pm and didn't call me back until midnight.

 

I was so mad that I didn't answer the phone. His dinners usually do run long, but to me it's like if you know your wife has a close family member in the hospital wouldn't you skip out of dinner a little early to talk to her.

 

His work started at 10am this morning and I figured he'd try calling before that but he didn't. I sent him the following text: "sorry I missed your call last night but I must have fallen asleep right before you called and I didn't hear my phone. I assume you'll call me before your work starts today so we can talk about my family"

 

I knew his work started at 10, but he doesn't know that I know that and i sent him that text at about 10:10.

 

Was that a good text to send? Would it make him feel bad? I don't know what I should do next. I don't want to start a fight over text, but I think it's messed up that he can't make time when my family is in the ER.

[BradJacobs]

Was that a good text to send? Would it make him feel bad? I don't know what I should do next. I don't want to start a fight over text, but I think it's messed up that he can't make time when my family is in the ER.

He's out of town. What can he do from there?

 

And why on earth would you want to make your husband feel bad when YOU chose not to answer his phone call?

 

Game playing is foolish.

[22pinesway]

You are right Brad, I thought I was doing the right thing by not answering the phone. But now I regret it. I'm afraid to tell him how I feel because I don't want him to get mad and we start fighting while he's away. But the next time he calls I'm going to tell him that he should have made time to talk about my grandmother instead of calling me at midnight. When he called the first time he said "I promise ill have a lot of time this evening so we can talk.

 

When he called and I didn't answer he left a message saying "I'm very tired and going to bed soon" it made me feel like he didn't care. If in his message he would have said "I know it's late but I have time to talk to you" or something like that I probably would have called him back.

 

I have checked his Facebook and have found nothing suspicious. All of the time he's been on there and I haven't seen him enter into any conversations. Although he is very smart and could be deleting it.

 

His job is supposed to go 30 days. He gets an email every workday with the days tasks. A the top of each email it says "day # out of 30 days". The two additional days he mention have not been added onto this count , because it would say "out of 32 days",...this is what makes me think he's lying. It could just be that they didn't update it and I hope it is. I know someone who is working with him and I want to ask him about those two additional days but I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to ask him if he's working those days.

 

Really I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. I don't know if I should stop talking to him, or when he calls tell him the truth that it upset me he didn't call at a reasonable hour. I also don't know how to ask my friend about those two days without being so blunt.

[silvermercy]

You seem to be focusing a lot on facebook. It could simply be because he leaves the page open. I'm not sure exactly how it works but I do it all the time on facebook, skype etc. People think I'm online and they send me messages. But usually I am away (like eating or having a shower...)

[The Way I Am]

The whole suffocating theory doesn't apply to your situation, pinesway. If you were newly dating, I'd agree completely with those assessments. But if you've been with someone several years and notice they're suddenly acting clingy and insecure, you don't react by avoiding their calls and texts. If you love that person, you ask them about their behavior and make an effort to work together to resolve what's causing it.

 

pinesway, even if your husband isn't cheating, he's not invested in your relationship enough to treat you better than he would an annoying, clingy woman he's been dating for just a couple months.

 

If my boyfriend started to act more insecure than usual, I wouldn't just start dodging his calls and putting him off. I'd ask him what's going on to make him act like that. -- Unless I had something to hide and didn't want to talk about what was wrong.

 

Everyone saying that the issue is just that you're being too clingy is ignoring the fact that you haven't normally been like this. You were fine with him going on trips in the past. There's something different now that's making you insecure.

 

The one thing they're right about is that you should cut out the clingy, nagging behavior. It's not helping you any.

 

Really I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. I don't know if I should stop talking to him, or when he calls tell him the truth that it upset me he didn't call at a reasonable hour. I also don't know how to ask my friend about those two days without being so blunt.

 

Is that person with him on the trip? Are they male or female?

 

Ideally, you should ask someone not on the trip, like a supervisor or secretary, because if something is going on, they're most likely not involved in it or in covering it up. He also doesn't have to know about the call.

 

If the person isn't on the trip, ask just like I mentioned before. It's basic social engineering. It's take decent acting and some clever filling in the blanks of my example. I can give you suggestions if you don't know what I mean.

 

If the person is on the trip and is a male, wait until the first of the extra 2 days. Then call and pretend you've been trying to call your husband but the call isn't going through. Ask if they're with him and can hand the phone over to him. (You'll need to think of something it's important to talk about since he might be there.) If that person hands the phone over, the work days are probably legit. If they say they the trip is already over, you've caught him in the lie. If they say they are with him but will have him call you back, they could be covering and you don't know anything.

 

Side note: Generally I would suggest talking directly to your partner over any concerns. But suspected cheating is its own animal. Without concrete proof, a cheater confronted will most likely just lie and cover their tracks better. Act as normal as possible and check up on what you're told until you either discover you've been lied to or until you're comfortable that you're being told the truth and your husband stops being distant.

Edited August 18, 2013 by The Way I Am

[22pinesway]

Brick, I really appreciate your honestly. I hate looking into his things it sucks and I think it makes me feel worse. I need to stop doing that because every time I do, I can see he's on Facebook or checking email and it makes me upset that he's not calling me instead of being online.

 

Something you said is that "I need his attention to be happy". This has really struck something with me because I've never seen it that way. It could be true. I do have a job and some hobbies but I've been too upset to really get off the couch.

 

What you said could be true, but why wouldn't he make time to call about my family emergency? Why did he not call me this morning about it? I really think I am being overly-demanding but if there is an emergency shouldn't he make time to check in? Should I question him about this if he calls tonight? I don't want to seem like I'm interrogating him.

[22pinesway]

Thanks for your input silver and the way. One thing is that he's never been in my shoes. He's never been at home with me away. I don't like the idea of playing games but I think if I went for away and called sprats ally through the day that maybe he'd understand what I'm going through.

 

He used to go away every few weeks for a few years and I got used to it. I know there were times when I got paranoid and upset, but for the majority of the time I was fine. However we would talk for about 20 mins at his lunch and about a half an hour in the evening....and this went on for years. Now it's like pulling teeth to even here from him.

[22pinesway]

Also, as for contacting the friend on the trip. It is a male and I wouldn't necessarily say he's a friend but more of an acquaintance of my husband and I. I've had Facebook conversations with him frequently so it wouldn't be out of the ordinary to ask. I just don't know how to put it. I don't want to say. "He told me you guys were working sat and sun is that true?" I don't know how else to ask. There is no one else that I could call at a main office or anything. If you have any suggestion on howl ask (THIS WAY) or anyone else please lemme know.

[2sunny]

I would not ask his friend.

 

Have you looked at his phone bill - his FB messages yet? Can you tell if he's earning for the days he says he's working?

 

I'd think he knows how you feel (ignored) and the fact that he's not trying to hand you comfort and peace of mind is disheartening.