Insecure me or cheating man?

[The Way I Am]

Should I question him about this if he calls tonight? I don't want to seem like I'm interrogating him.

 

No. Let it go this time. Think of it in terms of reward punishment. If you punish him with an interrogation about why he didn't call before, he's less likely to call again. If he calls to talk, reward him by being glad to get his call and just talk about what you would have if he'd have called immediately.

 

I don't like the idea of playing games but I think if I went for away and called sprats ally through the day that maybe he'd understand what I'm going through.

 

That's not a good idea. If you're purposely trying to avoid his calls and put him off so that he "gets it" and starts calling more, you'll end up more frustrated if/when that doesn't happen.

 

But it would help to keep yourself busy so you don't think about it as much.

 

He used to go away every few weeks for a few years and I got used to it. I know there were times when I got paranoid and upset, but for the majority of the time I was fine. However we would talk for about 20 mins at his lunch and about a half an hour in the evening....and this went on for years. Now it's like pulling teeth to even here from him.

 

That's way too much talk for me personally. Texting every day is too much for me. But this isn't my relationship. About an hour a day was the norm for your relationship. Now it's not, and it's perfectly legitimate for you to be concerned that that has changed.

 

I don't see this so much as you need his attention to be happy. It seems to me like you're desperately trying to understand why your relationship has changed. You need him to show you that he still loves you. You're trying to get that by re-establishing the norm. The more he resists, the more the scared and obsessed with it you get.

 

Also, as for contacting the friend on the trip. It is a male and I wouldn't necessarily say he's a friend but more of an acquaintance of my husband and I. I've had Facebook conversations with him frequently so it wouldn't be out of the ordinary to ask. I just don't know how to put it. I don't want to say. "He told me you guys were working sat and sun is that true?" I don't know how else to ask. There is no one else that I could call at a main office or anything. If you have any suggestion on howl ask (THIS WAY) or anyone else please lemme know.

 

Do you only have contact with him on Facebook? Do you have his number or ever call him? Do you and your husband ever do things with him in person? Would it be weird to send him a FB message saying you're planning a surprise dinner for your husband on that 2nd extra day and asking him to come? There's a good chance you'll get an answer with the info you need. If he says "we won't be back yet", the days are probably legit and you say "Oops. I forgot about those extra days. Darn. That's the only day it would have worked. Oh well." If he says he can make it, that means he'll be back from his trip. You caught a lie. You wait a few days and tell the friend you had to cancel the dinner. Then confirm by sending him a message on the first extra day asking something like how the trip was and if he's glad to be home.

Edited August 18, 2013 by The Way I Am

[22pinesway]

The guy has never been over for dinner so it would be strange to invite him now. I do have the guys number but we usually just talk through Facebook. We talk randomly about once a month but I talked to him two days ago and he told me he was tired of working there.

 

Should I just forget everything that's happened up to this point? Not calling is one thing but lying to me about work days is another. I need to get proof from my friend, any more ideas?

[The Way I Am]

The guy has never been over for dinner so it would be strange to invite him now.

 

I meant something like a group dinner out. Like "Hey [name]. I'm trying to arrange a surprise dinner with friends for when [husband] gets back. Just a fun little get together since everyone hasn't seen him in awhile. I thought you might like to join us. I'm not sure where we'll go yet, but some friends are thinking [restaurant] or [restaurant]. We're planning to do it on [one of the extra days] at 7pm. Would you like to join us?"

 

Should I just forget everything that's happened up to this point? Not calling is one thing but lying to me about work days is another. I need to get proof from my friend, any more ideas?

 

I think you should stop looking at his facebook all the time, cut back on how much you contact him, and don't give him a hard time for not contacting you enough.

 

But I do think you should find out about those extra days. Otherwise, you'll never be able to get over the discrepancy between what he said and what's on his schedule. That detail is pretty hard to just ignore.

[2sunny]

Has your H called you tonight?

[22pinesway]

I went out of the house last night and it really helped. I lost all of my anger and frustration. We spoke yesterday at about 3pm for about ten minutes, then he called around 7pm and we spoke for about half an hour. He told me that when I got home at 12:00 he'd still be awake and we could talk. I called and he was asleep. He did answer the phone and we talked for 5minutes.

 

This morning I was on Facebook and he was on so I messaged him and we Facebook talked for about 3 mins before he had to go and he said he'd call me before work started. He did not call but sent a text that he wouldn't be able to. He called again at 4pm and we talked for 20 mins when he told me he'd call me at 8pm. Well I didn't hear from him until 10pm when he said after work he played football and now he was going to dinner. He told me he'd call after dinner unless I texted him that I was going to bed.

 

During these calls I haven't complained at all. I didn't bring up the fact that i was upset that he didnt call me with my family emergency two days ago. Over the course of this trip, I've never yelled at him, but I have complained a lot about this trip driving me crazy. So I decided to not complain anymore because if I complain constantly then I think my issues will just be ignored.

 

We actually got to talk today which is nice. I had some stuff to tell him this evening but he was busy, so that's a bummer. But I actually feel like he made time or me and even sent a few random texts in the afternoon.

 

I'm not sure what to do about the extra 2 days. I still haven't seen or heard any proof, at the same time I want to trust him and stop looking for proof. I don't know what I want to do about this. Proof would just ease all suspicion, but if i go searching to see if he's lying, does that make me a bad spouse?

 

Any advice for my next step?

[CC12]

I'm not sure what to do about the extra 2 days. I still haven't seen or heard any proof, at the same time I want to trust him and stop looking for proof. I don't know what I want to do about this. Proof would just ease all suspicion, but if i go searching to see if he's lying, does that make me a bad spouse?

 

I'm not going to say it makes you a bad spouse, but fact-checking everything your husband says does not make for a healthy relationship. It's not fair to him to assume he's lying when he's given you no real reason to distrust him. A relationship won't survive that. The snooping needs to stop at some point. Why not stop now?

 

If you keep looking for proof of him lying, you're going to find it eventually. Even two people who are always 100% honest with each other are still going to have misunderstandings. So you will eventually find a discrepancy. And you're going to interpret it in the most negative way possible, when there might be a reasonable, or at least understandable, explanation for it.

 

For example, if you find proof that he did not work those two days, you're going to assume it's because he's cheating on you. In reality, it's possible that he just wanted to stay in town that weekend because there was a concert he wanted to go to, or a coworker was having a party, or something. He knows you've been having trouble with the distance and instead of telling you he was choosing to spend time elsewhere, he just lied and said he had to work. It's not good to lie, but sometimes it's just easier.

 

And it would mean that there are problems in your relationship, but the problems are down to communication and trust, not "He's breaking his marriage vows." One is something easily worked on, the other is Consider Divorce Time. Again, this is just an example, but I can easily see something like this happening if you don't make some changes to the way you process things.

[2sunny]

I'm glad you two connected today.

 

Shouldn't the 2 extra days of work show in his pay? That is proof enough.

[The Way I Am]

Yeah... Why don't both of you delete your Facebook?

 

It seems to cause a lot of drama, confusion, jealousy, questions, discussions, disagreements, etc.

 

Facebook doesn't cause anything. That's the same a suggesting getting rid of your phone because it causes drama. Facebook is just a means of communication. How you use the various means of communication are what cause problems.

 

Proof would just ease all suspicion, but if i go searching to see if he's lying, does that make me a bad spouse?

 

No. Checking every single little detail would make you a bad spouse. Checking on the big things like if his schedule is what he says it is when he's been acting distant is not that bad. When you have contradicting information such as his online schedule not matching what he's saying, not verifying that is just stuffing your head in the sand.

[JourneyLady]

Usually if you sense something is off, it IS off.

 

That doesn't mean cheating. A man might have a crush on someone else that he isn't actually in contact with or only knows from work. In the old days, this stuff would fade by itself. But these days, anyone can go online and find photos and info about their crushes and it can lead to an obsession. So it might be that he is just obsessed with someone and knows he can't feed that obsession in your presence.

 

No way to tell if that might be it. Just keep alert for changes - especially the ones you mentioned that would indicate a new lover. Otherwise just hang in there - eventually you will figure it out or if he has an obsession that doesn't materialize - it will fade.

[The Way I Am]

For example, if you find proof that he did not work those two days, you're going to assume it's because he's cheating on you. In reality, it's possible that he just wanted to stay in town that weekend because there was a concert he wanted to go to, or a coworker was having a party, or something. He knows you've been having trouble with the distance and instead of telling you he was choosing to spend time elsewhere, he just lied and said he had to work. It's not good to lie, but sometimes it's just easier.

 

If your husband would rather avoid your calls and lie to you about where he's going to be and why rather than work with you so that you're comfortable in your relationship, you've got Consider Divorce Time-scale problems.

[JourneyLady]

If your husband would rather avoid your calls and lie to you about where he's going to be and why rather than work with you so that you're comfortable in your relationship, you've got Consider Divorce Time-scale problems.

 

I'd say Counseling Time-scale problems first. If he's just got an obsession, it may fade - and knowing what it's doing to the marriage might wake him up.

[The Way I Am]

I'd say Counseling Time-scale problems first. If he's just got an obsession, it may fade - and knowing what it's doing to the marriage might wake him up.

 

Fair point. I was talking about in comparison to if cheating is Consider Divorce Time. A lot of people would consider an affair Counseling Time. I think of that kind of lack of regard for the relationship on the same level as an affair.

 

For a lot of people, the being lied to is the worst part of an affair -- the not knowing what's going on in their marriage or why their partner is behaving so distantly. Doing that kind of lying without the affair is in some ways worse than lying to cover up an affair. If a person's having an affair, at least their lies are motivated by lust or thinking they're in love. Driving your spouse to that level of insecurity and uncertainty because you feel a little claustrophobic in your relationship and want to go to some concert or golf or something is cold-hearted.

 

It's really not that hard to just say "I can tell you're worried right now. I just want you to know I love you. What can I do to make you feel better about the situation?" Instead of "Yeah, I'll call you at 8pm" then don't call and lying about when your business trip is over to get some "me time" while it's obvious your partner is stressed about you being gone. The latter is the behavior of an a**hole.

 

I dated a guy who behaved the way this guy is now for two years. It hurts to have someone who's supposed to care about you dismiss and avoid you and make no effort to support you (such as here when a family member is in the hospital). I wasn't anywhere near as obsessed as pinesway has been, and I only once tried to catch him in a lie. I dumped him when I had enough of the lack of consideration. I don't know if he was sleeping with other women. He probably was, but it doesn't matter. The cause of how he was acting toward me didn't really matter as much as the way he was acting. Even if I had been acting clingy, that wouldn't be a good excuse for treating someone like that.

Edited August 21, 2013 by The Way I Am

[CC12]

No. Checking every single little detail would make you a bad spouse. Checking on the big things like if his schedule is what he says it is when he's been acting distant is not that bad. When you have contradicting information such as his online schedule not matching what he's saying, not verifying that is just stuffing your head in the sand.

 

Eh, she kind of has been checking every single little detail, though, through reading his emails and texts, checking his phone, his Facebook, and his computer. And she's been able to confirm a lot of what he said is true. One thing she hasn't been able to confirm is his work schedule. And her reaction was something like "He's cheating on me or doesn't care about me anymore, I wonder if I should call his coworker to find out the truth" rather than, "Oh, they must not have updated the two extra days yet."

 

Sometimes things can't be verified. It's not stuffing your head in the sand to trust the word of your partner who has never given you a reason to distrust him.

 

The cause of how he was acting toward me didn't really matter as much as the way he was acting. Even if I had been acting clingy, that wouldn't be a good excuse for treating someone like that.

 

It's not a good excuse. But I disagree that the cause doesn't matter. I think it matters a lot. If he lied because he's having an affair, that is unforgivable, in my opinion. It's a full-fledged, disgusting lie. If he lied because he's feeling suffocated because of her neediness and unrealistic demands of his time, and he just needed a break for some time to himself and he couldn't bear to tell her because he didn't want to hurt her feelings, that's kind of understandable. It's a white(ish) lie told because someone didn't want to risk confrontation. Still doesn't make it okay. Still means there are problems. But one is much easier to accept than the other, I think.

 

Anyway, I guess this is all just hypothetical since the OP doesn't know either way. Any updates, OP?

[The Way I Am]

Eh, she kind of has been checking every single little detail,

 

pinesway was specifically asking if checking on those 2 days makes her a bad spouse.

 

One thing she hasn't been able to confirm is his work schedule. And her reaction was something like "He's cheating on me or doesn't care about me anymore, I wonder if I should call his coworker to find out the truth" rather than, "Oh, they must not have updated the two extra days yet."

 

Sometimes things can't be verified. It's not stuffing your head in the sand to trust the word of your partner who has never given you a reason to distrust him.

 

If her husband hadn't been acting the way he has toward her, pinesway likely wouldn't have jumped to the "Is he cheating" question. This isn't all one-sided.

 

It's not a good excuse. But I disagree that the cause doesn't matter. I think it matters a lot. If he lied because he's having an affair, that is unforgivable, in my opinion. It's a full-fledged, disgusting lie. If he lied because he's feeling suffocated because of her neediness and unrealistic demands of his time, and he just needed a break for some time to himself and he couldn't bear to tell her because he didn't want to hurt her feelings, that's kind of understandable. It's a white(ish) lie told because someone didn't want to risk confrontation. Still doesn't make it okay. Still means there are problems. But one is much easier to accept than the other, I think.

 

Agree to disagree. I don't see that as a white lie. I see it a a completely f*cked up, disrespectful, and disgusting way of treating a person you're supposed to care about. Letting them grow more worried and insecure while you dodge their calls and lie so you can stay out having fun, because you don't want to have to address them in an adult manner. Okay for a teenager but a major character flaw for an adult in my book.

[CC12]

pinesway was specifically asking if checking on those 2 days makes her a bad spouse.

 

Oh, I was only commenting on your statement: "Checking every single little detail would make you a bad spouse." I apologize if I misinterpreted.

 

If her husband hadn't been acting the way he has toward her, pinesway likely wouldn't have jumped to the "Is he cheating" question. This isn't all one-sided.

 

I know it's not all one-sided. I don't think I've been defending only one side.

 

They can play the "if he hadn't done that, she wouldn't have had to do this" game all day and point fingers and argue about who is more wrong. It's not really productive. They both have to take responsibility for their part in the issue and move to resolve it.

 

Agree to disagree.

 

Ok.

[2sunny]

The biggest issue is that she feels he isn't acknowledging that he's avoiding her. It causes her to feel disconnected from her H - yet he hasn't made effort for her to feel close to him, to feel a part of his life while he's away.

 

Quite the contrary - he's doing his best to use all his free time squeezing her out even further. Even with a family concern - he isn't compassionate and interested in being a loving and supportive husband.

 

What's his change? I think he owes her answers as to why he can't make time for her. He hasn't made any effort, why?

 

His behavior sucks - and no amount of money he could earn would be worth being completely ignored for a month.

 

I'd want to know what is so important that he didn't have time to pay any attention to me. He claims going to dinner and needing to call at 10pm or later? How about grab a burger and make time to call or Skype?

 

His excuses are lame. Someone has his attention every night - he's not even making an effort to soothe his wife or make her feel important.

[emva07]

The biggest issue is that she feels he isn't acknowledging that he's avoiding her. It causes her to feel disconnected from her H - yet he hasn't made effort for her to feel close to him, to feel a part of his life while he's away.

 

Quite the contrary - he's doing his best to use all his free time squeezing her out even further. Even with a family concern - he isn't compassionate and interested in being a loving and supportive husband.

 

What's his change? I think he owes her answers as to why he can't make time for her. He hasn't made any effort, why?

 

His behavior sucks - and no amount of money he could earn would be worth being completely ignored for a month.

 

I'd want to know what is so important that he didn't have time to pay any attention to me. He claims going to dinner and needing to call at 10pm or later? How about grab a burger and make time to call or Skype?

 

His excuses are lame. Someone has his attention every night - he's not even making an effort to soothe his wife or make her feel important.

 

Agreed.

 

Now I'm not saying he should call you every single day at specific times, but yes, he's ignoring you at this point.

 

For 8 years you were fine, now all of a sudden you have a feeling something isn't right....I think that says volumes.

 

Something/Someone does have his attention, and it's not you.

[salparadise]

whenever you feel someone is distant, it's not just you, something is off.

 

My mom always says, if you feel something's up it's because something is up you just want to believe it's not.

 

...all of a sudden you have a feeling something isn't right....I think that says volumes.

 

emva07, you are the all-time queen of a cognitive distortion referred to as emotional reasoning. It means taking what you feel as evidence of truth or reality. Please quit trying to convince the world that this is valid reasoning. Now you've got JourneyLady doing it too. It is highly dysfunctional and often lies at the root of depression, low self-esteem, and relationship problems. Just quit!

 

Emotional Reasoning

[2sunny]

emva07, you are the all-time queen of a cognitive distortion referred to as emotional reasoning. It means taking what you feel as evidence of truth or reality. Please quit trying to convince the world that this is valid reasoning. Now you've got JourneyLady doing it too. It is highly dysfunctional and often lies at the root of depression, low self-esteem, and relationship problems. Just quit!

 

Emotional Reasoning

 

 

 

I disagree. Our intuition is there for a reason - it serves a useful purpose - healthy balance is when the head, the heart and the gut are in alignment.

 

When something is "off" the gut kicks me to pay attention to what I may be missing.

 

This may be a case where the OP is paying attention because her gut keeps kicking her because something isn't right.

 

Op - you ok?

[emva07]

saladparadise i think it's been established you and I have different views, so let me be.

 

If you don't believe this then don't ever follow your intuition and that's that. Most of us don't (I didn't for a long time).

 

I'm not saying she's getting cheated on, but something is off. She's known her H for 8 years, so after 8 years he does a 180, of course she will feel something isn't right. Whether it be that he's planning a surprise birthday party for her, he is acting abnormal to what SHE IS used to and she feels uncomfortable, who are you to come here and tell her she's in the wrong for feeling the way she feels?

[emva07]

I guess to sum up my answer of this question:

 

It may not be either/or (you being paranoid or him cheating), but there HAS been a change.

 

That change can be anything, cheating, surprise birthday party, he got demoted at work, he got bad news at work, the doctor's office, stress, or anywhere else.

 

We don't know what that change could have been but you would like to know.

 

saladparadise is just assuming you're paranoid (like every other shrewd woman, who goes around assuming their husband is cheating, you should just shut the hell up and continue being the perfect wife like Betty Draper and he will go back to being his old self).

No, this bothers her, she has a right to voice her concerns.

[emva07]

I agree this all sounds terribly clingy and exhausting for your husband.

 

 

I agree, for most of us that is too much communication, but this is something they've been doing for 8 years. Now there's a change. Like I said before, doesn't mean he's cheating, but this change didn't come out of the blue, something's on his mind.

[The Way I Am]

pinesway, I think I just had a revelation. Your husband's name doesn't happen to be Walter White does it?

[salparadise]

I disagree. Our intuition is there for a reason - it serves a useful purpose.

 

Yes, of course it serves a useful purpose. I would never argue otherwise. In fact, I am an quite intuitive myself - it's my dominant [MBTI] function, so this I understand well. My objection is that you ladies don't seem to be able to distinguish between intuiting and reasoning. You all are basically saying that if her intuition is telling her he's cheating, then it constitutes evidence that he's cheating. And that is BS.

 

...who are you to come here and tell her she's in the wrong for feeling the way she feels?

 

emva07, I resent how you extrapolate and twist things around and make accusations. For the record, I did not invalidate her feelings at all. This is just sh*t you're making up, in part because you aren't capable of drawing clear distinctions between truth and conjecture. I pointed out your distorted, emotional reasoning because you're giving bad advice. Most people intuitively see the distinctions even though you apparently lack the clarity of mind or processing power to do so yourself. So I'm mostly done, but when you try to put words in my mouth you can bet that I will call you on it every f*cking time.

[2sunny]

I didn't conclude her H was cheating - I encouraged her to be honest with her H...that same guy who is avoiding her the past few weeks.

 

I think OP is attempting to gather evidence - so she can determine what is going on.

 

Determining what's real and what's false has been the issue.

 

What she decides to do with that evidence remains to be seen - as she hasn't gathered enough info to know what's really happening.