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Why do BS bury their heads in the sand?


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I may be wrong but I think the BS in my situation would kick MM's ass to the curb so fast he wouldnt see it coming if she solidly knew about our A.

 

I think BS stay and rug sweep for the MM/MW to keep status quo, life goes on, treating the aituation as "now that that's out of your system we can move forward".

 

This angers OW/OM and we take this as a defeat, although we also would have stayed with MM/MW to continue the A love, validation and "fairytale".

 

Either party staying with WS for the wrong reasons... but thats life.

 

 

Yeah, I suspect this is the case with my exMM as well. If the wife really knew what he was up to last year, and all involved, she'd probably not be hanging out in her marriage.

 

Most of the time I think the BS is given such a watered down version of the truth he/she would rather fix things than rock the boat.

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As far as the BS believing that the OW is at fault and a crazy psycho, well we believed MM when he told us the things he did about the BS .

 

Well technically we are at fault for knowiingly getting involved. With a taken person.

Also for hurting an unwitting party.

Oh and remember that at the heart of it none of our relationships are actually that special and are all textbook/cookie cutter/all the same...

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whichwayisup
I told his girlfriend that he has been texting me asking me to meet him at their house for sex. I thought this woman was married to him, but as it turns out they were planning on getting married in a month and are just living together now. I just found out this info from her yesterday.

She believed me at first, but as soon as she confronted him he made me out to look like a psycho, a liar, he said I have MPD, (which I don't), he said I live a secret life. Which is true, I was cheating on my husband with him so yeah, I guess I was living a secret life, but I am not crazy. He threw me under the bus so fast, but of course I was expecting that.

I think she wants to believe that he had no intentions of meeting me for sex, at their house no less, despite the fact that I provided her with several of the texts he sent me requesting we meet and have sex.

I'm pretty sure she is still planning on marrying him in a few weeks, even though they do not have children together, she does have 3-5 kids (I'm not sure) and he has 3.

 

So does your husband know you've been cheating on him? Now that his future wife knows about the A, be prepared that she will contact your husband.

 

Many MM throw their OW under the bus and make them out to be the crazy ones. It's how they protect themselves. And remember, it's always all about them. I'm sure he made his fiance out to be the devil, greatly exaggerated problems or issues with her to make himself look good in your eyes, to keep you into him. It's a script many (not all) MM say to their OW's. And, keep in mind that many MM are very skilled liars and know exactly how to play each woman to get what he wants..Selfishly.

 

Anyway, as you say BS's have their head in the sand, the same can be said for an OW. The only person who knows what's what is the MM, as he is in control and has all the attention on him, having the best of two worlds.

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AlwaysGrowing

Sheesh...MM get bashed pretty hard around here, don't understand the difference between the alphabet soup handles around here. OW/OM/MM/MW all use the same mental gymnastics to engage in toxic behaviour, even if they never, ever, choose to face what they did to another(BS), it is still toxic behaviour that is self inflicted.

 

 

As for BWs and OWs being so similar...

 

Being a BS has absolutely nothing to do with anything that you posted. Being in a toxic relationship does. Whether one has been cheated on or not.

 

Being an AP does though...it comes with the territory...one has to condone/encourage toxic behaviour..in the other party...and in themselves.

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Why do BS bury their heads in the sand? Why do they believe their husbands didn't "mean" to have an affair? Why do they believe their husbands will change for them? Why do they stay even after being given evidence that the affair DID happen, multiple times and in their own homes and marital bed?

Why do they still marry their boyfriends even after being shown evidence that he was cheating on them the whole time they were dating?

Why do they choose to believe their spouse and think that the OW must be psycho, crazy, has multiple personalities, is a liar, lives a secret life, etc. But yet they believe their spouse is telling them the truth when they swear up and down that it was the OW fault?

I find this mind boggling.

 

Why do you want this guy the same way she does? Why did he tell her you were crazy? Why does your husband not want a divorce? Why can't you divorce him?

 

I find those things mind boggling. Really, there is much difference.

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Nowhere in this thread (unless I've missed it) did I hear one person mention staying for love.

 

I don't think love has any place in this particular scenerio.

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In general terms, because they love them. It is incredibly painful to find out that the person you love could do something like that to you. So many ow are in. Such pain after an affair that lasted a few months...try the pain after your spouse of many years cheats.

 

There's also the fact that unless an ow is around at d-day ( in the same room) they have zero understanding or knowledge of what was said. Maybe they are hiding their heads, maybe not.

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canuckprincess
In general terms, because they love them. It is incredibly painful to find out that the person you love could do something like that to you. So many ow are in. Such pain after an affair that lasted a few months...try the pain after your spouse of many years cheats.

 

There's also the fact that unless an ow is around at d-day ( in the same room) they have zero understanding or knowledge of what was said. Maybe they are hiding their heads, maybe not.

 

I have some idea of what was said and I'm sure over the course of the last 21 months he has jumped through many hoops to convince his bs that he ended his affair. I know he does all the right things to make her believe he is no longer seeing me. She can choose to believe him or she can choose to trust her gut. If she wanted the truth it's clear as day.

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So does your husband know you've been cheating on him? Now that his future wife knows about the A, be prepared that she will contact your husband.

 

Many MM throw their OW under the bus and make them out to be the crazy ones. It's how they protect themselves. And remember, it's always all about them. I'm sure he made his fiance out to be the devil, greatly exaggerated problems or issues with her to make himself look good in your eyes, to keep you into him. It's a script many (not all) MM say to their OW's. And, keep in mind that many MM are very skilled liars and know exactly how to play each woman to get what he wants..Selfishly.

 

Anyway, as you say BS's have their head in the sand, the same can be said for an OW. The only person who knows what's what is the MM, as he is in control and has all the attention on him, having the best of two worlds.

 

It is always about the cheater.The cheater MM is the puppet master in all of this.He lies to both sides,makes promises and makes up lies.

 

He has OW so manipulated she will NEVER call wife or girlfriend to confirm his version of his marital life and he knows that.

 

The underlined message to OW is, you accept whatever I tell you. You are never to call my BS and intrude into my real life. You are never to question BS to see if what I say is fact.You are to accept all I say. If you dare call my BS, I will throw you under the bus and claim you are crazy. You see I am the only one who matters in this triangle. My feelings change from day to day.

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thefooloftheyear
I am not saying the OW are special, I am just saying, it cuts both ways.

 

 

NO ...It doesnt....

 

The BS usually has no idea whats happening until D Day...The OW(in almost all cases) exactly knows the deal, just chooses to enter into it..

 

Ive said it before and Ill say it again...If you see a Rattlesnake in the road, do you pick it up? If you do and wind up in the hospital, whos fault is it?

 

TFY

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This is what I don't understand. Who cares what the BS does or what her motives are for staying with a cheater. Why doesn't the blame not lie at the MMs feet. Why doesn't he leave? And why would you stay with MM who continually doesn't choose you, especially when the affair has been outed. I think the anger is misplaced.

 

 

I have to say, I never understand this myself. I mean, if OW absolutely is happy with the situation ...the BS doesnt matter to her, I can wrap my head around that.

 

But if OW ultimately wants MM full time or even if she finds BS inconvenient or her behavior upsetting....why on earth would you allow someone you don't know to have such control over an part of your life that you apparently value?

 

As a person, that's beyond me. I honestly don't get it.

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I don't think it does. I think that love is part of why this happens. They put their heads in the sand and believe whatever because they love them.

 

What I thought didn't belong in this scenario is you didn't answer the OP, you just threw in a bunch of questions that were kind of insulting.

 

My questions related to the subject of the thread directly .

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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thefooloftheyear
I'm not talking abut the BS, I am talking about the OW being a piece of ass, the MM had to go get that ass, he wasn't just walking down the street one day and it fell on his penis.

 

:laugh:...

 

I guess you aren't a man...Women throw themselves at men every single day..You dont have to "get" anything...I can attest, believe me.....Married or not...And some dont take NO for an answer....

 

See, you learned something new...;)

 

TFY

Edited by thefooloftheyear
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My xMM has multiple affairs while married. He had a kid with one that his wife knows about, I found out after. Other women in the past too. He was very open with me, I knew all his friends, I met his family abroad - at the time he went away I did not think he was with his wife...

 

When I was with him someone clicked on - maybe another woman he was involved with no doubt. She found our phone numbers and sent messages to all of us saying he was seeing me, the wife knew full well. She called me though I didn't know it was her number at the time. I hadn't picked it up. Around this time he made no effort to stay at home with the wife. He was still out all night whether with friends or me. He then got involved with another woman whom we both found out about as well.

 

It was all too much for me and it was me who kept ending it and he was the one always trying to get me back. He would stay away all night 2 or 3 times a week, would be away for 24 hours etc when we were seeing each other. He had small kids too. It was horrible. The fact too he said he was separated when we met....

 

I mentioned to my friend I could not understand why his wife put up with it. She said to me, well you put up with it for long enough being his OW.....

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NO ...It doesnt....

 

The BS usually has no idea whats happening until D Day...The OW(in almost all cases) exactly knows the deal, just chooses to enter into it..

 

Ive said it before and Ill say it again...If you see a Rattlesnake in the road, do you pick it up? If you do and wind up in the hospital, whos fault is it?

 

TFY

 

But what if it's a neglected and misunderstood rattlesnake? When he bites he doesn't really mean it.

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Midnight_Princess
I'm not talking abut the BS, I am talking about the OW being a piece of ass, the MM had to go get that ass, he wasn't just walking down the street one day and it fell on his penis.

 

Well maybe women should stop giving that ass to someone they know is married. How do they expect it to end? That in no wsy excuses the MM behavior but the other woman is just as bad to knowingly get involved.

Im aware theres lots of different scenarios in which an affair happens, but thats just how I see it.

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I'm not talking abut the BS, I am talking about the OW being a piece of ass, the MM had to go get that ass, he wasn't just walking down the street one day and it fell on his penis.

 

I think the question should be, why do you find the attention of a married man trolling for ass valuable?

 

I am a professional woman. Over the years I have come into contact with various married men trolling for ass. I found it insulting, not flattering.

 

Why is that behavior attractive to you?

 

If a married guy tries to chat me up, first of all , I'm married and have no desire to cheat, so take this with a grain of salt. I consider how id feel if I was single, and I'm mentally putting him in the same category as a homeless dude, a diagnosed <insert personality disorder here>, an addict, an alcoholic, broke guy with 5 baby mommas, etc. He would not be considered in my mind as relationship material.

 

So I think the question for ow and bs (with nonremorseful spouses) should be, is this person worthy of you?

 

Think about the.character of most actively cheating mm. Don't focus on the way he makes you feel or the feelings he inspires in you. Take the emotion out. What kind of person is he?

Edited by Quiet Storm
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Why is that behavior attractive to you?

 

If a married guy tries to chat me up, first of all , I'm married and have no desire to cheat, so take this with a grain of salt. I consider how id feel if I was single, and I'm mentally putting him in the same category as a homeless dude, a diagnosed <insert personality disorder here>, an addict, an alcoholic, broke guy with 5 baby mommas, etc. He would not be considered in my mind as relationship material.

 

 

Think about the.character of most actively cheating mm. Don't focus on the way he makes you feel or the feelings he inspires in you. Take the emotion out. What kind of person is he?

 

 

I dated someone for awhile. The chemitry was amazing as he was physically what I would have called my "dream man". He was also full of flattery and I was flattered he chose me. He seemed very respectful of the fact I wanted to get to know him so there was nothing sexual happening. I thought he was a complete gentleman.

 

My perception of him ended one Sunday morning when I received a call from his live in GIRLFRIEND/FIANCE. As soon as I spoke with her I knew I would never speak with him again. Here we were 2 young people me early 20's, he late 20's . He was not married, had no children , but I knew I could not be a part of hurting someone else. PLUS I was angry he deceived me for so long. I knew now,his character was bad, though his mask showed otherwise. He tried for weeks ,begging me to listen to him. But he was dead to me.

 

Now I see and hear all these OW acting as though they had no control over their behavior when a MM comes onto them. like many here, I find it such a turn-off ,even though MM will treat you like a queen,as they make you feel sorry for them. . Yes, theMM is to blame, but just cause someone is willing to sink to the lowest level does not mean you have to join him in his betrayal. I can never understand that logic.

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I dated someone for awhile. The chemitry was amazing as he was physically what I would have called my "dream man". He was also full of flattery and I was flattered he chose me. He seemed very respectful of the fact I wanted to get to know him so there was nothing sexual happening. I thought he was a complete gentleman.

 

My perception of him ended one Sunday morning when I received a call from his live in GIRLFRIEND/FIANCE. As soon as I spoke with her I knew I would never speak with him again. Here we were 2 young people me early 20's, he late 20's . He was not married, had no children , but I knew I could not be a part of hurting someone else. PLUS I was angry he deceived me for so long. I knew now,his character was bad, though his mask showed otherwise. He tried for weeks ,begging me to listen to him. But he was dead to me.

 

Now I see and hear all these OW acting as though they had no control over their behavior when a MM comes onto them. like many here, I find it such a turn-off ,even though MM will treat you like a queen,as they make you feel sorry for them. . Yes, theMM is to blame, but just cause someone is willing to sink to the lowest level does not mean you have to join him in his betrayal. I can never understand that logic.

 

I always felt like you. I'm 44 and never thought I would end up a OW. Each situation is different. I could never understand before why women would get themselves in this situation and thought all OW were evil bitches tbh. In your case above you say it was not physical and you obviously weren't in love with him.

 

I'm not making excuses, I know I have to pay now for what happened. I didn't know for 8 months he had gone back to his wife. We were virtually living together. I stayed with his family abroad, his friends are now my friends. He kept on coming back and yes I was stupid I did let him back. Not now though. Yes it is hard, he cannot respect the fact I do not want to be with a married man. His friends contact me telling me how much I mean to him. That he is only living in the same house as his wife because of the kids. That he cannot afford to live separately from them, he cannot pay for two homes.

 

I have been divorced and this is far harder, because emotionally it wears you down. My husband and I had simply grown apart, it was still very sad after 9 years though to leave him and the life we had together. In a situation where An OW leaves a MM, especially if the whole start of it was based on deceit, is emotionally a roller coaster that does sometimes make one question one's own sanity...I wish I had known the truth a month or two down the line, then I would have got out then.

 

Yes maybe some of this is to do with some of my insecurities. I have an incredible high flying job, I have many friends, I live in a big city with an active social life. But he got me somewhere in my heart that I found hard to let go. I have to discover why that is.

 

But truly we can all say with many things I would never do that. But sometimes **** does happen we could never imagine would in a million years...

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thefooloftheyear
Yes, I hear of men being raped on the daily.......:rolleyes:

 

 

No, now you are just twisting the scenario to meet your agenda...Its just stupid....When I say they dont take no for an answer, its got nothing to do with sex.

 

Answer this question...

 

 

-Do you really believe that ALL men just "prey" on unsuspecting OW? That women dont come on to men(and come on VERY hard -married or not)?

 

Of the stories that you read on here, I wonder how many of the OW were the ones that pursued...

 

Rape? No...But what would you say if I told you that many times I have been propositioned by women who knew I was married and couldnt care less...Some getting so raunchy and nasty as to send compromising photos of themselves-even though I never asked?

 

And Im not special...Just ask any guy that isnt a complete troll..Seems like all women think that their gender is made up of a bunch of Mother Teresa's

 

Maybe its you that needs to get your head out of the sand..:laugh:

 

TFY

Edited by thefooloftheyear
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So happy wrote, "...they put their heads in the sand, because they Love them"

 

I view the OW/MM doing the same thing... It's crazy isn't it!

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So happy wrote, "...they put their heads in the sand, because they Love them"

 

I view the OW/MM doing the same thing... It's crazy isn't it!

 

Exactly what my friend said to me when I said to her I could not understand why my xMM's wife stayed with a man who constantly cheated on her. I needed a close friend to say that to me to realise I was the same. We were both burying our,heads in the sand. I guess I am lucky as it is easier for me to have walked away. No marriage, no kids with him. No lifelong tie....

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As a former OW, I can tell you that I TOTALLY buried my head in the sand. For one year I allowed myself to believe the MM. He told me a very detailed story about how his wife wanted a divorce, basically making himself the victim. He claimed they were living separately but still raising their young son together. I loved him. I had loved him for a very long time, as we had been a couple years ago. I believed his story and our PA developed. There were hundreds of red flags along the way. Looking back on the story, re-reading the emails of our early PA, I know have the jaded sense to see how obvious the bullsh+t was. But, I loved him and wanted him. Before our last time meeting up he confessed he created the story of his wife leaving so I'd not take the blame for the break up of his marriage. I believed that as well. Looking back, even that was just to buy him time, to cover his tracks...to convince his wife that nothing unusual was going on.

 

In a nutshell...there are so many factors at play. Everyone is burying his/her head. The MM has to do it to have the affair and go home to his family. The OW has to do it to ignore the obvious signs that she is getting the "leftovers" and preserve her esteem enough to go on. The BW must do it to stay with my MM when in most affairs the signs are there, but easy to ignore if one decides to do so.

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thefooloftheyear
As a former OW, I can tell you that I TOTALLY buried my head in the sand. For one year I allowed myself to believe the MM. He told me a very detailed story about how his wife wanted a divorce, basically making himself the victim. He claimed they were living separately but still raising their young son together. I loved him. I had loved him for a very long time, as we had been a couple years ago. I believed his story and our PA developed. There were hundreds of red flags along the way. Looking back on the story, re-reading the emails of our early PA, I know have the jaded sense to see how obvious the bullsh+t was. But, I loved him and wanted him. Before our last time meeting up he confessed he created the story of his wife leaving so I'd not take the blame for the break up of his marriage. I believed that as well. Looking back, even that was just to buy him time, to cover his tracks...to convince his wife that nothing unusual was going on.

 

In a nutshell...there are so many factors at play. Everyone is burying his/her head. The MM has to do it to have the affair and go home to his family. The OW has to do it to ignore the obvious signs that she is getting the "leftovers" and preserve her esteem enough to go on. The BW must do it to stay with my MM when in most affairs the signs are there, but easy to ignore if one decides to do so.

 

 

Well said......And everyone needs to own their part...

 

TFY

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