Why do BS bury their heads in the sand?

[BetrayedH]

Nowhere in this thread (unless I've missed it) did I hear one person mention staying for love.

 

I stayed for love.

 

Eventually I had to leave her anyway.

[ComingInHot]

LHF, good to see you round* (There was have been a couple of posts where I thought it would be nice for all to read your comment/s).

 

To everybody else, I think I am reading in the last few pages an "expansion" to to the topic of "burying head in sand".

 

To Me, burying my head in the sand would be to acknowledge the A but do Nothing about and live as if I didn't care or CHOSE to deny the facts set forth (by whomever) or its possibility.

I did none of this.

 

The insinuation that "staying" in the M or in the A IS to bury one's head is not necessarily true, and there's another thread running on just this topic right now.

Staying in M, to Me, means acknowledging the A, then agreeing to attempt R, or fighting for the M in the hopes the A ends and the WS chooses the M.

 

I think these tow separate topics are getting blurred together, Even though the two Can happen simultaneously.

 

Thoughts?

[OpenBook]

the MM had the choice to say NO as well as the OW not getting involved...

 

You can put all the blame on the ow if it makes you feel any better but fact is MM had a choice, he was never forced.

 

I think you've skimmed the surface here on something that remains largely unspoken about men, and why it appears that BS bury their heads in the sand about their H's.

 

It's all based on the premise that men in general have an inherent weakness/vulnerability when it comes to women, regardless of their character or the state of their M.

 

W's buy into that and cut their H's some slack while taking social steps to remove their H's from temptation - like stepping into a conversation, or lavishing PDA's on their H's in front of women whom they perceive as a threat, or treating their H like a child, forcing him to "check in" with her as often as she sees fit.

 

The onus is always on other women being the "Jezebel" threat of temptation. Nobody holds the guy accountable for his own actions or choices. It's been that way forever in human society, and excused with the reliable old "biological" argument that men are just built that way and women just have to put up with it.

 

It pisses me off to no end.

[road]

LHF, good to see you round* (There was have been a couple of posts where I thought it would be nice for all to read your comment/s).

 

To everybody else, I think I am reading in the last few pages an "expansion" to to the topic of "burying head in sand".

 

To Me, burying my head in the sand would be to acknowledge the A but do Nothing about and live as if I didn't care or CHOSE to deny the facts set forth (by whomever) or its possibility.

I did none of this.

 

The insinuation that "staying" in the M or in the A IS to bury one's head is not necessarily true, and there's another thread running on just this topic right now.

Staying in M, to Me, means acknowledging the A, then agreeing to attempt R, or fighting for the M in the hopes the A ends and the WS chooses the M.

 

I think these tow separate topics are getting blurred together, Even though the two Can happen simultaneously.

 

Thoughts?

 

 

Burying one's head in the sand is to ignore what is happening and carry on with the status quo.

 

Head in sand can happen during the affair.

 

Head in right back in sand can happen on dday.

 

Head in sand can happen after the affair is over and the affair is rug swept.

 

Head in Sand is mistaken for living in Egypt when people are seen to be living in the Land of Denial.

 

To make anything else of burying one's head in sand is to try to make something that has no matter, mass, or energy. In other words something out of nothing.

[road]

I don't think I am twisting anything. You put it out there that the OW may have just have been a piece of ass. I agree that may be so BUT the MM had the choice to say NO as well as the OW not getting involved.

So what if what if you get propositioned by a woman, no means no, the same go's for a woman when she is propositioned by a man.

 

Do you really believe that ALL ow are just a piece of ass? That's just stupid.

Every situation is different even though there are a lot of similarities. There might be times when the ow pursued a mm and there also might be times when they didn't.

Sounds to me, you have your own agenda.

If it has nothing to do with sex as you say then where does the piece of ass come in?

 

To answer your question, NO I do not believe ALL mm prey on ow, that is ridicules. Almost as ridicules as you believing that some don't.

You can put all the blame on the ow if it makes you feel any better but fact is MM had a choice, he was never forced.

 

I think you've skimmed the surface here on something that remains largely unspoken about men, and why it appears that BS bury their heads in the sand about their H's.

 

It's all based on the premise that men in general have an inherent weakness/vulnerability when it comes to women, regardless of their character or the state of their M.

 

W's buy into that and cut their H's some slack while taking social steps to remove their H's from temptation - like stepping into a conversation, or lavishing PDA's on their H's in front of women whom they perceive as a threat, or treating their H like a child, forcing him to "check in" with her as often as she sees fit.

 

The onus is always on other women being the "Jezebel" threat of temptation. Nobody holds the guy accountable for his own actions or choices. It's been that way forever in human society, and excused with the reliable old "biological" argument that men are just built that way and women just have to put up with it.

 

It pisses me off to no end.

 

 

The BS does not give the blame to the WS because the BS wants to recover their marriage.

 

The BS blames everything on the AP because there is no motivation to forgive and forget.

 

It pisses me off to no end that people can not see why the BS lets the WS off the hook and hangs the AP.

 

Talk about burying one's head in sand and living in denial.

[Goodbye]

The BS does not give the blame to the WS because the BS wants to recover their marriage.

 

The BS blames everything on the AP because there is no motivation to forgive and forget.

 

It pisses me off to no end that people can not see why the BS lets the WS off the hook and hangs the AP.

 

Talk about burying one's head in sand and living in denial.

 

 

 

Huh? Yes, it is fine that a BS decides to forgive the spouse and not the "other" in order to move on...as a COPING MECHANISM...but that is all it is. The fact remains that it isn't really "rational," as the BS (in most instances) knows little about the "other" and has a lifetime vow and commitment that was violated and ignored by the very one she/he has chosen to "forgive and forget."

[KathyM]

No, now you are just twisting the scenario to meet your agenda...Its just stupid....When I say they dont take no for an answer, its got nothing to do with sex.

 

Answer this question...

 

 

-Do you really believe that ALL men just "prey" on unsuspecting OW? That women dont come on to men(and come on VERY hard -married or not)?

 

Of the stories that you read on here, I wonder how many of the OW were the ones that pursued...

 

Rape? No...But what would you say if I told you that many times I have been propositioned by women who knew I was married and couldnt care less...Some getting so raunchy and nasty as to send compromising photos of themselves-even though I never asked?

 

And Im not special...Just ask any guy that isnt a complete troll..Seems like all women think that their gender is made up of a bunch of Mother Teresa's

 

Maybe its you that needs to get your head out of the sand..

 

TFY

This is a good point and has a lot of validity. Oftentimes MM get the reputation on LS that they are the ones who relentlessly pursued the OW until she finally gave in to pressure, and she is the victim of a manipulative man, but that is certainly not always the case. That may be true in some cases, but there are many cases where the OW was the pursuer and relentlessly pursued the MM until he gave in. I've read about such cases from some of the BSs here, as well as know about several IRL. One of my former friends had always heavily pursued men, and took delight in being able to steel away someone's boyfriend or husband, and she would relentlessly pursue. We found out she pursued my sister's boyfriend, actually both my sister's boyfriends, who did not reciprocate her interest, but when she relentlessly pursued my married cousin, we realized that she was not just an over-the-top flirt, but a woman that will resort to anything to get the man she wants. Fortunately, my cousin eventually came to his senses after what could be called an emotional long-distance affair, but she would have pursued him until he left his wife. Women come on to my husband very blatantly, knowing full well he is married, all the time. Same thing with my sister's husband. There are plenty of shameless hussies who have no respect for marriage. So it's not always the MM who is the pursuer. Often, it is the OW, and the MM eventually gives in to the pursuit.

[Seductive]

To the OP-I find this mind boggling too. I have lost two friends madly in love with cheating men. One man would even tell my friend how he had three-somes to her face. Another friend's husband tried to get me in bed right in front of her. Both of these women say they don't care, nor do they think it's a big deal. They don't talk to me anymore, because I gave them my opinion on how I don't think their men's behavior is okay.

 

I can only imagine that these women are so deeply in love where they want to make excuses for the man. They don't want to lose the person that they think is incredibly amazing.

 

What's funny is that these same women will defend their men, yet say that all men are dogs and *******s. They also will get envious of other women that aren't in their situation. It's like they know it's wrong deep down inside, but they have to justify themselves.

Edited August 18, 2013 by Seductive

[Goodbye]

This is a good point and has a lot of validity. Oftentimes MM get the reputation on LS that they are the ones who relentlessly pursued the OW until she finally gave in to pressure, and she is the victim of a manipulative man, but that is certainly not always the case. That may be true in some cases, but there are many cases where the OW was the pursuer and relentlessly pursued the MM until he gave in. I've read about such cases from some of the BSs here, as well as know about several IRL. One of my former friends had always heavily pursued men, and took delight in being able to steel away someone's boyfriend or husband, and she would relentlessly pursue. We found out she pursued my sister's boyfriend, actually both my sister's boyfriends, who did not reciprocate her interest, but when she relentlessly pursued my married cousin, we realized that she was not just an over-the-top flirt, but a woman that will resort to anything to get the man she wants. Fortunately, my cousin eventually came to his senses after what could be called an emotional long-distance affair, but she would have pursued him until he left his wife. Women come on to my husband very blatantly, knowing full well he is married, all the time. Same thing with my sister's husband. There are plenty of shameless hussies who have no respect for marriage. So it's not always the MM who is the pursuer. Often, it is the OW, and the MM eventually gives in to the pursuit.

 

 

"MM eventually gives in to the pursuit." And breaks his vows? You make it sound like a toddler begging for a toy and the tired mom finally says f-it and buys the toy to get some peace. Is that what happens? The married man tries and tries to stay true to his vows but the scantily clad seductress keeps rubbing herself on him until he NEEDS to say "Yes, lets have sex" just to shut her up?

[waterwoman]

Why do I need to forgive OW? I don;t give a toss about OW. I have no need or desire to see her again. H, on the other hand is my life partner and the father of my kids, it's worth the effort to forgive - and it is an effort. Why make the effort on behalf of someone who I don't care about.

[thefooloftheyear]

This is a good point and has a lot of validity. Oftentimes MM get the reputation on LS that they are the ones who relentlessly pursued the OW until she finally gave in to pressure, and she is the victim of a manipulative man, but that is certainly not always the case. That may be true in some cases, but there are many cases where the OW was the pursuer and relentlessly pursued the MM until he gave in. I've read about such cases from some of the BSs here, as well as know about several IRL. One of my former friends had always heavily pursued men, and took delight in being able to steel away someone's boyfriend or husband, and she would relentlessly pursue. We found out she pursued my sister's boyfriend, actually both my sister's boyfriends, who did not reciprocate her interest, but when she relentlessly pursued my married cousin, we realized that she was not just an over-the-top flirt, but a woman that will resort to anything to get the man she wants. Fortunately, my cousin eventually came to his senses after what could be called an emotional long-distance affair, but she would have pursued him until he left his wife. Women come on to my husband very blatantly, knowing full well he is married, all the time. Same thing with my sister's husband. There are plenty of shameless hussies who have no respect for marriage. So it's not always the MM who is the pursuer. Often, it is the OW, and the MM eventually gives in to the pursuit.

 

It all depends on how it turns out.....

 

Scenario A...MM goes back to BS and leaves the OW at the curb.

 

"Hes a scumbag, predatory MFer.He's a cheating liar. He clubbed me oiver the head and dragged me into his sex lair..I had No control over the situation.. He's a piece of garbage"...(Even though it was THEM that f'ed with the Rattlesnake..)

 

Scenario B....MM leaves BS and goes off into the sunset with the OW..

 

"I saved this precious human being from the clutches of thet wretched, fat, ugly, alcoholic BS...Thank God for me I have given him a new lease on life"

 

 

TFY

[thecharade]

Many, many MM end up hating the OW, and I never really understood it until recently. I read a wayward say he hated her for not saying no, for allowing him to hurt his family when she KNEW he loved them and didn't want to hurt them. Holy Toledo! Really?!?! She was supposed to protect him from him? Because he couldn't do it himself? How about the fact that she maybe loved him and wanted to believe the actions she was seeing in him? Yep, it's an OW fog, but can't we understand the fog of love? And yet he ends up using the LOVE she felt-and believed he felt-against her, to end up being "repulsed" by her, for not seeing through his bs and helping him stay devoted to the woman he is actively willing to betray????

 

Oh, l see. I am supposed to be logical and rational all the time, even in the face of all sorts of seductive actions! Real actions! And I need to always, always think with my head and not my heart as my heart is getting confused and wooed by all these actions. Because I am a woman. I should be able to overcome it ALL.

 

But us men need all the women we meet to help us be strong, because our male members are going to make us say things and do things completely against our will! Because that's what a male appendage does, and we're very sorry. But hey, you can't be walking around all young and cute, with breasts and v-jay jays and expect us not to get dizzy and confused about who we love. You need to tell us No! It's your job. Don't blame us if we say and do all sorts of loving or passionate or caring things. Or blame us if we end up having an affair. Or raping you. We're men. Need we say more?

 

Yep, all evidence suggests that this is truly what people believe.

[thefooloftheyear]

Many, many MM end up hating the OW, and I never really understood it until recently. I read a wayward say he hated her for not saying no, for allowing him to hurt his family when she KNEW he loved them and didn't want to hurt them. Holy Toledo! Really?!?! She was supposed to protect him from him? Because he couldn't do it himself? How about the fact that she maybe loved him and wanted to believe the actions she was seeing in him? Yep, it's an OW fog, but can't we understand the fog of love? And yet he ends up using the LOVE she felt-and believed he felt-against her, to end up being "repulsed" by her, for not seeing through his bs and helping him stay devoted to the woman he is actively willing to betray????

 

Oh, l see. I am supposed to be logical and rational all the time, even in the face of all sorts of seductive actions! Real actions! And I need to always, always think with my head and not my heart as my heart is getting confused and wooed by all these actions. Because I am a woman. I should be able to overcome it ALL.

 

But us men need all the women we meet to help us be strong, because our male members are going to make us say things and do things completely against our will! Because that's what a male appendage does, and we're very sorry. But hey, you can't be walking around all young and cute, with breasts and v-jay jays and expect us not to get dizzy and confused about who we love. You need to tell us No! It's your job. Don't blame us if we say and do all sorts of loving or passionate or caring things. Or blame us if we end up having an affair. Or raping you. We're men. Need we say more?

 

Yep, all evidence suggests that this is truly what people believe.

 

You are entitled to your opinion, but Im not seeing that...The only time I have ever heard of angry MM at their OW are the ones in A's with MOW who went back to their husbands...They are no different than the OW that cry foul when things dont go their way..

 

Many MM actually do love their OW..Even the ones that dont, dont HATE them or wish bad upon them...I think that only happens after the WS goes back to the BS and the OW goes bunny boiler...Then thats to be expected. They are just being vindictive at that point..Especially if they (OW) knew the lay of the land while in the affair..

 

TFY

[waytogo]

Why do BS bury their heads in the sand? Why do they believe their husbands didn't "mean" to have an affair? Why do they believe their husbands will change for them? Why do they stay even after being given evidence that the affair DID happen, multiple times and in their own homes and marital bed?

Why do they still marry their boyfriends even after being shown evidence that he was cheating on them the whole time they were dating?

Why do they choose to believe their spouse and think that the OW must be psycho, crazy, has multiple personalities, is a liar, lives a secret life, etc. But yet they believe their spouse is telling them the truth when they swear up and down that it was the OW fault?

I find this mind boggling.

 

I'll admit that I didn't read to the end on this one. The obvious may have been stated after page 2. I'm chiming in as a FOW. Why does an OW think MM will change for her? She has less reason to think so. MM already changed his staus from S to H for W. Why does OW continue to be OW after multiple DD's and still not chosen?

 

Why does OW believe BW is psyco, doesn't want sex, fill in the rest...because a man who does not make a life with her, doesn't take his out when he has it but begs the wife back, but will will have sex with OW says so??

 

I find this mind boggling.

[Seductive]

Again..whew...how long are we going to continue with this?

 

Go back and read my post...I dont blame anyone but myself..Which is a hell of a lot more than most around here..

 

I POSTED THAT I DID OWN IT...

 

Good effin grief..give it up or get new reading glasses, Sunshine...

 

TFY

 

 

So, you're basically saying you have cheated before? I'm not surprised at this. People who accuse other posters of being the type to cheat and leave usually do the same things themselves.

[thefooloftheyear]

So, you're basically saying you have cheated before? I'm not surprised at this. People who accuse other posters of being the type to cheat and leave usually do the same things themselves.

 

Ii think YOU need new glasses as well......Where the hell did you extract that from?

 

Who did I accuse of anything?

 

...

 

Sheesh..

 

TFY

Edited August 18, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[So happy together]

Ii think YOU need new glasses as well......Where the hell did you extract that from?

 

Who did I accuse of anything?

 

...

 

Sheesh..

 

TFY

 

Just as an aside, I never saw where you said anything of the sort either. Can't we just all agree that AP and MM/MW make a decision to cheat. Nobody makes them, it doesn't matter who pursues whom. The simple fact is, if someone pursues the hell out of you and you are not down for it, you won't. If you are ripe for it, you will. It's not weakness, it's a choice. I own my choice. So does my sMM... do you?

[Cocochai]

This thread is actually good seeing it from both sides but... It's the MM/MW who took the vows. I blame them 99% of the A. 1% to the AP why? Because they didn't take those Vows.

 

The BS only has her head in the sand when she blames the OW for the wrong doings of the A. Handle that w/ the MM who put that ring on your finger.

[canuckprincess]

This thread is actually good seeing it from both sides but... It's the MM/MW who took the vows. I blame them 99% of the A. 1% to the AP why? Because they didn't take those Vows.

 

The BS only has her head in the sand when she blames the OW for the wrong doings of the A. Handle that w/ the MM who put that ring on your finger.

 

 

Like x 100

 

Also the bs that continues to blame the ow after dday rather then the ws who continues to break vows has their head in the sand.

[Cocochai]

Even if OW is a bunny boiler and starts to cause problems once the MM ends the A (which i don't condone) Its still the blame on the MM.. Why? Because he should have thought of the consequence before he decided to play single Man again. Pregnancy, STD's and heartbreak. All that could be given to you BS as well.

 

 

Something to think about before you bury your head in the sand again. Like I said... Nobody wins in this love triangle so why blame the person who ddnt take the vows?

Edited August 18, 2013 by Cocochai

[thefooloftheyear]

Even if OW is a bunny boiler and starts to cause problems once the MM ends the A (which i don't condone) Its still the blame on the MM.. Why? Because he should have thought of the consequence before he decided to play single Man again. Pregnancy, STD's and heartbreak. All that could be given to you BS as well.

 

 

Something to think about before you bury your head in the sand again. Like I said... Nobody wins in this love triangle so why blame the person who ddnt take the vows?

 

 

Fine...

 

But you are aware that there is NO affair without a willing OW/OM, no? And ID say most OW/OM are fully aware of the MM's circumstances yet proceed anyway...so how do they get off scott-free? The only way I sympathize with a OW/OM is if they were deliberately duped into thinking the AP is single...Thats VERY rare..Its just too hard to pull off.

 

Playing single man? Since when does a single man choose to have a half assed relationship?

 

Point is EVERYONE needs to accept their part...Mistakes, yes even critical ones, are made by bigger people than ever will post on this site..Even a CIA head(Petraeus) and a Commander in Chief(Clinton)..Succumbed..Doesnt make it right...No one is bigger than the game...

 

TFY

[Seductive]

Ii think YOU need new glasses as well......Where the hell did you extract that from?

 

Who did I accuse of anything?

 

...

 

Sheesh..

 

TFY

 

Months ago, you told me how men would be afraid of their wives leaving them for another woman. In the thread, I had revealed that I have experienced sexual attraction to both genders. I was under the impression that you and other male posters were insinuating that I was unable to stay monogamous. You also said that men were sexually jealous. I just find it interesting that you're the one that's actually cheated, and I haven't.

[thefooloftheyear]

Months ago, you told me how men would be afraid of their wives leaving them for another woman. In the thread, I had revealed that I have experienced sexual attraction to both genders. I was under the impression that you and other male posters were insinuating that I was unable to stay monogamous. You also said that men were sexually jealous. I just find it interesting that you're the one that's actually cheated, and I haven't.

 

I was in the final stages of a D, when my "A" began so my situation is FAR different than most...heck, most people wouldnt even consider my deal a misdeed...I DO...Many people actively begin to date while in a D..

 

I stand by everything I said about your siutation.

 

So next time get your facts straight before you run your mouth, OK Sweetcheeks?

 

TFY

[Cocochai]

Fine...

 

But you are aware that there is NO affair without a willing OW/OM, no? And ID say most OW/OM are fully aware of the MM's circumstances yet proceed anyway...so how do they get off scott-free? The only way I sympathize with a OW/OM is if they were deliberately duped into thinking the AP is single...Thats VERY rare..Its just too hard to pull off.

 

Playing single man? Since when does a single man choose to have a half assed relationship?

 

Point is EVERYONE needs to accept their part...Mistakes, yes even critical ones, are made by bigger people than ever will post on this site..Even a CIA head(Petraeus) and a Commander in Chief(Clinton)..Succumbed..Doesnt make it right...No one is bigger than the game...

 

TFY

 

I agree but at the end day the day.. OW/OM didn't take the vows. We pay in our own little way. But the OW/OM gets to at least move on learn, and be with someone single or choose to be happy single.

 

The BS has to forgive, trust again, and still wash their funky little draws.

Edited August 18, 2013 by Cocochai

[KathyM]

"MM eventually gives in to the pursuit." And breaks his vows? You make it sound like a toddler begging for a toy and the tired mom finally says f-it and buys the toy to get some peace. Is that what happens? The married man tries and tries to stay true to his vows but the scantily clad seductress keeps rubbing herself on him until he NEEDS to say "Yes, lets have sex" just to shut her up?

I'm not absolving the role that either party (MM or OW) have in the affair, I'm just saying that this idea that MM are always the manipulative pursuer is not the case. Sometimes it's the OW that relentlessly pursues, and if a man is going through a rough patch in his marriage, he can start to be tempted to her offers. My sister tells me about women who come right up to their table when her and her husband are out somewhere, make small talk pretending to include both, but it is obvious the woman's attention is directed almost exclusively on my sister's husband, and the woman drops hints about where she likes to hang out. I experienced women throwing themselves at my husband as well. He's always turned them down, but they still keep trying. My ex friend was like this as well. Came on strong to every man she took a fancy to, regardless of whether they were married, single, or in a relationship. I'm not saying the MM is some victim of a manipulative woman, anymore than an OW is a victim of a manipulative man if she knew he was in a relationship and still participated. They can each own their own ****. And as far as the topic of this thread, why do BSs bury their heads in the sand, I doubt that is usually the case. Usually, the BS is unaware of what is going on, and when the affair comes to light, she either throws the guy out or, if he is remorseful and she feels compelled to try to get the marriage back on track, she will try to reconcile. I'm sure there are marriages where the wife is aware her husband is stepping out, but because of cultural factors or dependency or whatever, she chooses to reluctantly tolerate it, rather than stand up to it. I know one woman personally who fits that bill (sticks her head in the sand). She stays in the marriage for the sake of her kids, but once they are up and out, she will be gone.