He's LYING about me!!

[vla1120]

He is telling some really crappy lies about me right now. He's telling his new women I'm psycho and was a horrible wife. He's making up complete bull$hit about me! Some of the stories are just unbelievable! He took our 17-yr-old daughter on a camping/canoeing trip this weekend. He was telling people I tried to talk her out of going, that insane people live in those woods and will kill her in her sleep and that if the canoe tips over, there are sharks in the river that will eat her! WTF??!! I had to talk her INTO going because she likes her creature comforts and didn't want to be without running water and her flat iron!

 

Do I confront him? Do I ignore it all? Since he keeps telling me I only presented a generous and reasonable divorce agreement because I feel guilt (which I do NOT!) should I tell him I am prepared to revoke all extra financial help I was willing to provide to prove I do not feel guilty?

 

I'm so angry!! He's a liar. I just want him out of my life!!

[trippi1432]

My first inclination when I read this was "Why the hell did you stay with him for so long...an a**clown like this?"....then I recalled that people asked me the same thing four years ago when I hit LS after my 15 years with my ex.

 

Well, that doesn't help very much, because you have to ask yourself...WTF was I thinking?? You have to rise above his BS. I'll give you some advice four years down the road, do not extend him financial stability, do not take on his debts joint or otherwise, do not take on his crap that he has dished on you because I can tell you when you become "conditioned" to that being your life (taking his crap) it's not the way of the world.

 

I felt guilt that I was not a good wife, I wanted him out of my life as he had made me feel I was never good for 15 years...so I just took on everything while he left our family and took up with another woman. Do not give him financial stability, do not feel sorry for him, rise above him, set him free so you can set yourself free. Revoke, revoke, revoke.....why should you feel guilty for a man who was not there for you, that you could not depend on, who was not being a Man but was being a Neanderthal? All about him....well, let HIM figure out on his own how to be all about HIMSELF.

 

Set yourself free.

[vla1120]

I know you are right, Trippi. I know it, and yet I feel guilty when I think about not helping him financially because he is the father of my children, I guess. He has done a real number on me, I know. I wish I could stay angry with him. I think it would help. I don't stay mad. I always just chalk it up to him being an a-hole and once I get away from him, I'll be better off. I thought I had sought all the help I needed to get through this. I think I need to go back and see my therapist to learn how to deal with this. I know one thing. I'm not giving him the three months he asked for to keep living in the same house so he can prepare financially. I'm outta here as soon as an apartment becomes available in the complex I've chosen. I am going to revoke my extra financial help and only do what is required of me by law.

 

I guess it's time to change my strategy. I was only trying to keep things civil for everyone's sake. Thank you.

[Porridge]

OP, I can relate to this. As said in my own thread, my ex has made up a complete fantasy story about me including:

 

- I was domestically violent

- I'd broken her arm

- I'd kicked her out of the house and stopped her seeing the kids

- I was having an affair and letting the woman live with me and kids

- I'd forced the ex into staying in a motel

- I'd applied for custody of the kids

- My grandmother was dead

- Our son was in hospital with suspected meningitis

 

None of it was true and never had been throughout our years together.

 

There's an absolutely fantastic medical term named 'Pseudologia Fantastica' which basically refers to the issue of compulsive lying. Unfortunately, some people feel compelled to do it but you have to ask yourself why.

 

The truth is, the compulsive liar is attempting to cope with a deep insecurity - an insecurity where they feel they are not good enough just being themselves. So in a desperate attempt to win attention, favour, sympathy, understanding, support etc, they fabricate things to make themselves sound interesting and hard done by. They want to be pitied, to be wrapped in cotton wool and mollycoddled. Their self-esteem is shot.

 

I can't stay angry about it either. If people began to believe the ex then I probably would be a lot more concerned. In truth though, they don't. A steady, rational, responsible individual will always win through against this type of person. Why? Because you lead by your actions, not your words. And another big thing in your favour - you're consistent.

[vla1120]

The truth is, the compulsive liar is attempting to cope with a deep insecurity - an insecurity where they feel they are not good enough just being themselves. So in a desperate attempt to win attention, favour, sympathy, understanding, support etc, they fabricate things to make themselves sound interesting and hard done by. They want to be pitied, to be wrapped in cotton wool and mollycoddled. Their self-esteem is shot.

 

This describes him to a tee. I've known our entire relationship he was a compulsive liar, but was always about silly, insignifant stuff that I didn't care about, except the 2+ year affair with my best friend - he still won't tell the truth about that. Even though my daughter caught them kissing and groping in the kitchen, he swears they "never went further than kissing" for two whole years. Yeah. Uh huh. I believe that. Oh. Wait. I just remembered the instance when I went to get credit on something and was told I had late payments on a credit card that I didn't even have. I started querying the credit company and found out it was a joint card with him, which I do not have because he's lousy with money. I asked him about it. He said "Oh. They must have added you automatically." I called the credit card company to complain, they said they had my signature on file as a co-applicant. I asked them to send me a copy of that and they did. There it was in black and white - he had forged my signature on the application. I was livid! I told him he BROKE THE LAW! He played it off saying that we had discussed it and I gave him permission to sign my name since I was at work when he applied, or some nonsense. Like always, I dismissed it because it wasn't worth the battle.

 

Reading back on that paragraph, I have to ask myself, like Trippi said, why on earth did I stay for all these years!? Why did I turn a blind eye to his lying behavior!? I know one thing I'm grateful for. All three of my daughters have integrity and have an excellent work ethic. Whew!

 

Yeah. I thought I had this all figured out. It was going to be simple and civil. As time goes on, I feel like I am emerging from the fog and starting to see things as they are, and have been for years. Silly damn me. There is no "simple" and I think "civil" may be on its way out the door, too.

[vla1120]

I forgot to ask, Porridge - Do you confront her on these lies? Should I just keep my mouth shut? You are correct in that the people who know me know when he's lying about me, so I don't care about that because they have my back. I guess I shouldn't care about the people who don't know me, especially his new girlfriends.

 

Part of his compulsive lying is that he starts to believe his own lies as gospel. I guess there would be no sense in confronting him, in that case. I think I just answered my own question.

[Yasuandio]

Yas' Rules About Pathologolical Compulsive Liars (Learned Through The School of Hard Knocks)

 

1. The best way to not get lied to is not to inquire about the liars lies.

 

2. Whenever the liars mouth is moving, their statements are most likely embedded in lies.

 

3. Compulsive liars are also telling lies about you and themselves to the outside world.

 

4. There will be many times that you will be so shocked from the outcome of what a liar has done behind your back, that you may not even believe that it could possibly be true. Once this happens enough times, and you go to the various sources to find out the exact truth (as happened with the credit card signature form), then you will have the real picture.

 

5. Liars will continue to lie even when the solid, direct evidence is presented right before them.

 

6. When caught, liars will deny, deny, deny. Even in the face of direct, hard cold factual evidence.

 

7. When a liar is caught, they will find a way to blameshift their need to lie onto you. Their "lying" will become you fault - "if it weren't for you (or something you did or said), they would not have had to lie or be deceitful.

 

8. Liars have creative ways of lieing. By lying thru "omission" - they can argue that they really didn't tell a lie.

 

9. Sometimes liars say that they lied to protect you, so that the can attempt to endear themselves to you.

 

10. Pathological liars are experts at gaslighting - and have no conscious whatsoever about messing with your mind.

 

11. A common statement you might here from a chronic liar is "are you going to believe 'they' say, or are you going to believe me?" When you've heard this question about 100 times, that may be a sign that you should invest more credence in what "they" say.

 

12. The best way to get along with a liar is simply to not put any worth in what they say or promise. Always have a back-up plan. Do not allow a liar to have access to your financial affairs - you will live to regret it. Have a PO box for special checks, moneys, banking, tax or credit matters.

 

13. Have no expectation at all from a chronic liar. Then, if the liar actually does not lie for a period of time, (like a normal honest person), consider yourself lucky.

 

These are some points right off the top of my head. Maybe others can add to this list. Yas

Edited August 18, 2013 by Yasuandio

[vla1120]

12. The best way to get along with a liar is simply to not put any worth in what they say or promise. Always have a back-up plan. Do not allow a liar to have access to your financial affairs - you will live to regret it. Have a PO box for special checks, moneys, banking, tax or credit matters.

 

Thank you, Yas. Especially for this one!! I'm about to get a pension loan. I have been toiling over how to get to the mail before him so I can retrieve the check before he does. I never thought of a P.O. Box. I am getting one on Monday! Another thing he does is open everyone's mail! He opens my daughters paychecks, calls her to tell her how much she got paid, borrows money from her, and never pays her back! I'll have her send her checks to my P.O box too, from now on. I've told him countless times it is a FELONY! He doesn't care, thinks he is entitled.

 

LS is saving my sanity right now. Thank you, everyone.

[M30USA]

I don't believe anything productive comes out of confronting a liar during their distortion campaign. Many times liars are projectors (especially if they have BPD) so they might not even know they're lying. Other times they might be highly spiteful and vindictive, in which case they would only derive satisfaction out of knowing they've "gotten to you". So in this case confronting them would most likely continue the behavior.

 

You can't do anything to remedy lies and distortion campaigns. Just have a strong identity, know these things aren't true, and know who your true friends are. If necessary, address the lies with your friends. Everyone else doesn't know you from Adam so they'd have no way to judge anyway.

[Misadventure]

I think they make this all up because they can't tell people the truth because would make them look bad.. and they want to look like they were the victim.

[Yasuandio]

12. The best way to get along with a liar is simply to not put any worth in what they say or promise. Always have a back-up plan. Do not allow a liar to have access to your financial affairs - you will live to regret it. Have a PO box for special checks, moneys, banking, tax or credit matters.

 

Thank you, Yas. Especially for this one!! I'm about to get a pension loan. I have been toiling over how to get to the mail before him so I can retrieve the check before he does. I never thought of a P.O. Box. I am getting one on Monday! Another thing he does is open everyone's mail! He opens my daughters paychecks, calls her to tell her how much she got paid, borrows money from her, and never pays her back! I'll have her send her checks to my P.O box too, from now on. I've told him countless times it is a FELONY! He doesn't care, thinks he is entitled.

 

LS is saving my sanity right now. Thank you, everyone.

 

Also you taxes and tax refund needs to be secured this way also.

 

It is a funny story how I learned this in 1987 - can u believe that? My husband had done one of his disappearing acts, but, had returned home, as was the typical pattern. But during his time away, I had been expecting my tax refund checks to arrive. I waited, and waited. I even called the State and Federal Income Tax Offices - both told me they had been mailed out. I waited and waited some more.

 

I often mentioned it at home to my husband, "Gee, the mail certainly is slow. I wonder when my tax refund checks are going to arrive?"

 

Weeks went by, and I placed a call again, to request the checks be sent - as they must have been lost in the mail. However, both the State and Federal Income Tax Refund Offices informed me that both checks had been cashed months ago. And I was like, "WHAT?" "No Way!"

 

So, they sent me proof, the checks, with the endorement. The checks were endorse with my name, but my husband's handwriting - and were cashed during that period he had abandoned the marriage for a few weeks. Apparently, he was monitoring the mailbox.

 

His handwriting is very distinct, as he, especially back then, was using a few Greek characters by accident once in awhile, as he was not fully proficient in English writing obviously.

 

With this evidence - he still denied steelin those checks from my mailbox and forging my name in order to cash them. When I pointed out the Greek characters to him, he claimed it must have been another Greek person. To this day he would not ever admit that theft. Isn't that interesting?

 

Which brings me to one more point for the list:

 

14. Believing liars can be a win-win situation sometimes. You want to believe the liar (cause it provides you a sense of relief), and the liar wants you to believe them (cause it provides them with a sense of control). This makes for a strange sort of harmony - which we might know have other terms for, such as "co-dependence," etc.

 

Don't feel bad. Highly intelligent people get caught into this crazy-making maze for decades. I'm not ashamed to admit it happened to me. Yas

[vla1120]

Ironic update - they just got home from the camping trip. The 17-yr-old said their canoe tipped and they lost everything and she was being swept upstream before someone else from their group grabbed her. I said "That must have been very scary. I'm glad you were wearing a life jacket." She said "No. We had all taken them off because they were bulky and uncomfortable." Again - WTF!!?? Seriously!? I had to try so hard to keep my cool in front of her and not go downstairs and freak out on him. Then I said "Well, I'm sure you wore your life jacket on the trip back upstream?" Nope. Too bulky. I'm livid beyond description.

I told her she is 17-yrs-old and is old enough to take responsibility for her own safety. She's damn lucky there was a quick-thinking marine with their group! He dove in and caught her! He will never take her on a trip like that again unless I go, too. Luckily, she said she NEVER intends to go canoeing or camping again.

 

I guess I should be happy she wasn't eaten by a shark.

Edited August 18, 2013 by vla1120

[Yasuandio]

I don't believe anything productive comes out of confronting a liar during their distortion campaign. Many times liars are projectors (especially if they have BPD) so they might not even know they're lying. Other times they might be highly spiteful and vindictive, in which case they would only derive satisfaction out of knowing they've "gotten to you". So in this case confronting them would most likely continue the behavior.

 

You can't do anything to remedy lies and distortion campaigns. Just have a strong identity, know these things aren't true, and know who your true friends are. If necessary, address the lies with your friends. Everyone else doesn't know you from Adam so they'd have no way to judge anyway.

 

I agree, confrontation gets you no where in the so accurately described "Distortion Campaign."

 

But I do have a little secret of my own. "if you can't beat them, join them."

 

I started making up some clever stories myself. And purposely lied about simple things just for the heck of it. Even if I was just asked what time it was, I might distort my response by 1/2 hour. Somehow, it gave me a little source of pleasure, sort of a little thrill each time I did it - which motivated me to do it more and more. I think that may be called Passive-Aggressive.

 

I never got caught in a lie, but I knew exactly what I would do if I did: "Deny, Deny, Deny." How do you like that idea?

[M30USA]

I agree, confrontation gets you no where in the so accurately described "Distortion Campaign."

 

But I do have a little secret of my own. "if you can't beat them, join them."

 

I started making up some clever stories myself. And purposely lied about simple things just for the heck of it. Even if I was just asked what time it was, I might distort my response by 1/2 hour. Somehow, it gave me a little source of pleasure, sort of a little thrill each time I did it - which motivated me to do it more and more. I think that may be called Passive-Aggressive.

 

I never got caught in a lie, but I knew exactly what I would do if I did: "Deny, Deny, Deny." How do you like that idea?

 

I'd just be careful with that. Why become just like the very traits you despise?

[trippi1432]

I'd just be careful with that. Why become just like the very traits you despise?

 

That's actually a very good warning. I've found there is more integrity in never joining in on the things you despise. (i.e., cheated on does not equate to being okay to becoming one yourself). Integrity is what makes you rise above the hardships.

Edited August 18, 2013 by trippi1432
added quote

[M30USA]

That's actually a very good warning. I've found there is more integrity in never joining in on the things you despise. (i.e., cheated on does not equate to being okay to becoming one yourself). Integrity is what makes you rise above the hardships.

 

That's exactly why shrinks tell us that abusers were the victims of abuse in the past. End the chain.

[Porridge]

I forgot to ask, Porridge - Do you confront her on these lies? Should I just keep my mouth shut? You are correct in that the people who know me know when he's lying about me, so I don't care about that because they have my back. I guess I shouldn't care about the people who don't know me, especially his new girlfriends.

 

Part of his compulsive lying is that he starts to believe his own lies as gospel. I guess there would be no sense in confronting him, in that case. I think I just answered my own question.

 

To be honest it varies. In most cases I ignore it and roll my eyes but sometimes the claims can be more serious and harder to ignore. If she pulls one of her whoppers out of the bag then I can't help but strike upon it, purely because I will not allow her to think that she can manipulate me. Whether confronting her does much good - well not as a direct consequence but I feel it does serve the purpose of letting her know that I'm wise to her.

 

There's some other comments on this thread which are so accurate to my experiences. Firstly, my ex does have BPD and so lies are an inherent part of the condition. The whole victimisation thing rings true too - they lay a burden of responsibility on other people to make them happy. They cannot create content for themselves and so in turn, there is usually a desperation by these people to find a relationship as quick as possible. They don't do single!

 

One on Yas' list says:

 

When a liar is caught, they will find a way to blameshift their need to lie onto you. Their "lying" will become you fault - "if it weren't for you (or something you did or said), they would not have had to lie or be deceitful.

 

This psychology extends beyond lies and goes into everything with the ex. Every bad thing she's ever done, she is never culpable but was brought to do it by people and circumstances. She has recently stolen jewellery from a disabled woman - i'm awaiting the blame for that one in some sort of bizarre way. This again goes into the BPD mindset - they cannot handle criticism whether that be by someone else or themselves. So they avoid it at all costs - they excuse whatever they did wrong as some kind of survival technique.

[todreaminblue]

Do I confront him? Do I ignore it all? Since he keeps telling me I only presented a generous and reasonable divorce agreement because I feel guilt (which I do NOT!) should I tell him I am prepared to revoke all extra financial help I was willing to provide to prove I do not feel guilty?

 

I'm so angry!! He's a liar. I just want him out of my life!!

 

yes confront him and even though this part is going to be hard because you are frustrated and angry with his lies i have handled a situation like this before with positive results....this is what i said it might give you some ideas....

 

 

hey (my ex),

 

i dont want to start an argument with you, i have no energy or desire to fight, i have to say something though because i am hurt by something i have heard second hand and i just want to clear it up with you........

 

 

i heard that you have been................ (tell what you have heard)...........

 

now i dont know if this is true....i havent heard you say it personally,but i would appreciate in the future if you have this sort of compulsion to make me look bad...please dont........we both know its not true,and what is important is our daughter and that is who we need to concentrate on...her happiness.....us as fighting parents isnt going to make her happy......

 

 

 

 

NOW FROM ME TO YOU

i wish you loads of luck.....if people or exes tell lies to make you look bad..that is pretty sad on their behalf.they must feel guilty aboUt something to want to taint you AND PAINT A FALSE PICTURE OF YOU.....they themselves feel a taint maybe..in the end......it is them who look bad not you.....lies have a habit of coming back to hurt the sender.....keep your dignity.......hugs to ya.....FROM deb

[M30USA]

"Wherever there is a lie, there is self-promotion."

-Me

[vla1120]

I had been doing so well. I've known he is seeing a new woman (and it's not the one from 17 yrs ago. This is a newer one). The only thing that bothers me is that he continues to lie about it! I'm the one who finally decided to divorce. I couldn't care less that he's seeing someone. What bothers me is that he still feels the need to lie about it. I don't even know why I care! Perhaps I just want him to show some integrity and own his actions instead of trying to make me feel insane for expressing what I KNOW is true.

 

He didn't come home last night. I had mixed emotions all night. Why did I care? Was I jealous? - a resounding NO! If he has someone, maybe he'll finally let me go in peace. Luckily, my 17-yr-old was at a friend's house last night. She would have freaked if she had been here and he didn't come home at all. When he stays out late with the gf, she starts feeling anxious, texting him, calling him, asking him where he is and wanting him to come home. She does not know he has a gf (at least, no one has told her), but I believe she suspects something and that's why she gets so anxious.

 

Anyways, after a night of reflection, I realized why I'm angry. HE asked ME to stay in this house with him until at least the end of the year because he can't support himself. I'm leaving him destitute by divorcing him. (This is a man who makes PLENTY of money to support himself - he makes an upper middle class income all on his own. He's just horrible with money!). I still pay all the bills. What would be his incentive to leave? I am waiting for him to leave so that I can leave. Luckily, we sold our house a few years ago and rent because of our daughter's school. Once he's out of here, I'm out of here!

 

I'm also angry because, after we part ways, he'll have plenty of time for undetected sleepovers with the new gf. I feel it is disrespectful to still cohabitate with me for financial purposes, but then stay out all night at his gf's house, especially for our 17-yr-old, though she wasn't home this time. Am I wrong?

 

It's 7:54am. He just walked in the door. This is what I said to him:

 

"I don't care that you've found someone new. I wish you happiness. Since YOU asked ME to stay in this house with you until you can afford to move out of your own, please have enough respect for your daughters and for me to wait until after you move out to stay out all night with another woman. Don't lie to me anymore, either. I'm not stupid. I know where you are. Be a man and own your actions. Otherwise, it looks like you have reason to be ashamed. If you have reason to be ashamed, you run the risk of losing the respect of your daughters and affecting your relationship with them - especially "the youngest", whom you already know is feeling anxious about where you spend your time."

 

The fact that he wouldn't look me in the eye let me know all I need to know. Surprisingly, he agreed that it was irresponsible to stay out. He had too much to drink and didn't want to drive home. He claims they've never touched (LOL, M'okay). I told him I don't care what he does with her, but if he thinks that, when a man spends the night at a woman's house, there won't be the assumption of sexual relations between them, he's sadly mistaken. He doesn't need to care about my feelings (I'm way past it anyways), but if he thinks it won't affect his daughters' or family's view of him if they find out that he's bedding another woman while still living with me and allowing me to support him, think again! He's not exactly discrete about it.

 

Now, I'm going to go remove this placard advertisement I'm apparently wearing that says "Doormat", take a shower and go over to my new apartment complex. I am going to sign up for the next apartment that becomes available.

 

STBXH, beware. I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!! I don't want to act vengeful and revise the separation agreement so that I'm not giving him the world on a silver platter in the hopes of him just letting me go quietly, but I must admit, it's crossing my mind. (Especially after him torturing me for a month after telling him I want a divorce - acting wounded, launching a FB campaign of lies against me, and now, showing blatant disrespect for me by expecting me to stay and support him while he stays out all night with the OW. Maybe he can move in with her!)

[vla1120]

Reading back on some of the advice, and my own words, I find myself sobbing. I rarely cry. I don't even know why I'm crying so hard (trying not to ruin my iPad with this steady stream of tears). Maybe the look on his face when I confronted him, which pretty much validated my feelings about the situation, was enough to give me a release from the cover ups and lies over the past month about where he's spending his time. Again, I don't care. I just hate the lies. I guess him not coming home last night also brought back a flood of emotions for me that I thought were long, long gone. It's time to take my daughter and go.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Yes it is.

 

It is time for you to think about you and your daughters well being.

 

Get a new apartment. Get out of that squirrelly hell hole.

 

 

IIWII

[vla1120]

This to me is ODD!! Not just odd but a WTF??!! He had an affair, left you for another woman and you feel guilt? Are you ****ing kidding me?

 

Call me old school but it still is a MAN's duty to provide for and protect his family. Only a sissy boy piece of trash would need your financial support. He sounds like a complete loser of a BOY that you are so much better off without.

 

You were a horrible wife? So what! No one is perfect! Was he winning the Husband of the year award??

You were a psycho? Who the hell made you a psycho with all the cheating and lies!

 

Woo Wee Honey! Take a minute to celebrate! Let that skank have his pansy ass! Go on with him! She'll see the real him and find out that she's a psycho soon

 

Tell him these EXACT words: GO F U C K YOURSELF!

 

And laugh at him! laugh in his face! Laugh at his OW for being the fool that took him off your hands. Let her financially support him, let her put up with his lies, tell her THANK YOU HONEY! You can damn sure have him!

Ignore his lies....who cares what he says, you know he's a little bitch that just whines so you'll feel guilty and give him attention, money, friendship.

CUT HIM OFF, CUT HIM OUT!

Then take a bubble bath, drink some wine, get a facial....spend your money on YOU and your kids. Be good to yourself!

 

Thank you for the kick in the butt, bk, and for the encouragement, IIWII. I went to my new apartment complex today. I have a move in date of 10/9. It's brand spanking new - hardwood floors, granite countertops, awesome master suite, it's gorgeous. I am SO excited about moving. The only guilt I may have had left over was that one daughter was going to live with him, so I wanted to be sure he was going to be settled for her sake. She decided to come with me, too. Sayonara, mo fo. I'm OUTTA here. I gave him his nest egg (part of my pension, of which he gets half anyways). I am making sure every dime I give him is accounted for in the divorce agreement. He's on his own, now.

Edited September 7, 2013 by vla1120
Punctuation

[vla1120]

Let her financially support him, let her put up with his lies, tell her THANK YOU HONEY! You can damn sure have him!

 

I suggested this to him today. Ironically, she hasn't worked a day in her life, which is one of his concerns about her. I did actually laugh in his face at that revelation and told him he even sucks at picking a mistress. She won't last long with him.

[trippi1432]

BeenKilled has a very good point...my exH won the **** of the Year Award here on LS a few years back for less vla!

 

My exH is married to his OW now (2 years now), he hands his paycheck over to her, puts all responsibility on her shoulders so he can blame her when everything goes wrong. No kidding, my son sent me pics to prove there was no food in their house. Cupboards bare, refrigerator empty....freezer full of HER food. And they even label their food......

 

Since he left (because I didn't make him happy) four years ago, I've come to know REAL MEN rather than the blat-ass crybaby of a man who was in my life for 15 years. I'm not sure vla, if I told you this before, he left 9 days after I was recovering from surgery. This man was NEVER there for me, doesn't sound like yours was either.

 

One of the things I finally learned after this Vla, I learned to love ME. I learned it was okay to walk away from a bad situation that would impede my ability to love ME (being a doormat). What HE does is not your problem, nor is his financial situation. If he were a MAN he wouldn't be worrying about how YOU are going to help him through his financial situation, he would be working on it himself. In my opinion, he needs a soft place to fall and is hoping you will hang around til he does. Have you ever seen those women who breast feed their kids until they are about teen years....well hun....that's what us women become to our weak men, time to wean him off the n*pple. He plays your guilt....stop letting him.

 

I had issues with my teenage son when his father and I split up. Believe me, the gas-lighting that went on, his dad never did anything wrong and I just took his leaving and divorce hard, according to his dad. I took his father's BS'ing hard as he was having an affair but would never admit it to his son. My hard-earned advice, what he does is not your concern....he wants to lie, he needs to because he will never be a MAN...lying and having sex with other women is the only way he knows how to be a MAN. All those other things, love, respect, protect, provide, cherish, encourage, lead, empathy, courage....REAL MEN know those.

 

Those are the qualities I've been trying to teach my son and we have made a lot of progress since he opened his eyes and has seen things for himself instead of me reacting to things he repeated that his father and OW would say. Take heed of your reactions and at 17, she will eventually figure it out.

 

It's too easy to get caught up in looking behind and wondering why you didn't leave then, believe me, I sold my rings, furniture...everything at 8 months pregnant as I was done with my exH's drinking and his romp in the hay with a "whore", ready to leave him and start a new life...I gave in and let him come with me, not because I needed him but I thought of our child. If I could go back and change anything in my life, that's the one thing I would have changed......but I will never know how things would have turned out, so it's a waste of time to dwell on that as it only feeds anxiety. I do look at what I have today, a good life, career, three degrees and a lot less chaos and drama now. Once you take back control of the chaos that is present in your life, you will eventually find peace and serenity....it starts with not forgetting to Love YOU.