Sex dilemna

[Timothy]

This is simliar to a post I made recently, so I'm sorry if some of this info is redundant. My fiance is an incredible lover, she and I have been sexual for some time now. Recently, as I stated in an earlier post, she started talking to me about prior abuse and such. Sexual abuse starting since she was twelve, and statuatory rape by at least 10 people up until she was 18, including a gang rape. Ick, I mean, imagine a fifth grade student dating/screwing a 25 year old? Anyhow, I think this is all due to her piss poor parenting. I just had to state this before I get to the problem.

 

Since discovering all of this I'm having, erm, sexual problems. Such as, I dont want to have sex nearly as much. Sometimes while having sex, I lose my erection. I dont mean too, but a little voice in my head will point out at the wrong time "You realize, she learned how to do this from her grandfather when she was fourteen, right?" poof goes my sex drive.

 

Of course, since it started recently, when she has asked, I just tell her I have no idea what the problem is. Blaming it on the weather and alignment of the planets is only going to last for so long. I hope she doesnt think I'm seeing someone else or something...

 

How do you think I should work around this? Am I just screwed? I definatly dont want to tell her what the real problem is, I know it would upset her greatly. She is a wonderful wonderful person, and I want to find a way to work around my own problems here. Hoping maybe someone can shed a new outlook on this. Fortunatly our relationship isnt based on sex, but this is still an issue.

[Tony T]

As you may know, sex is largely in the mind. Erections are created in the mind first...and the penis goes soft in the mind first. So your judgements of your girl's past are ruling you mind and your sexual attitude at this time.

 

If you can learn to stop making judgements about her past and just enjoy the present, that would be great. Almost everyone has something in their past that would disturb a partner if they knew.

 

If you pay big bucks for a counsellor, he/she is only going to tell you the same thing I'm saying here...cease making judgements about this girl's past. Why should she have to pay a second time for the abuse she suffered as a child? Why should she be denied sexual pleasure now because of the hurt, pain and abuse in her past? This girl deserves more and she does not deserve to be judged or punished for things that were out of her control.

 

If you are making love and you find your mind wandering away from the present, consciously shift your thoughts to something highly sexually stimulating for you. Keep your thoughts AWAY from those places that bother you.

 

You must understand that her past is her past, she can do nothing about it, and she is doing her very best to move things forward for herself in a very healthy way with someone she cares a great deal about. Help her do that.

 

If you really love her, you will delete all thoughts and judgements about her past from your mind. She deserves much better and I know you are the man who can deliver for her.

 

Working on this will pay you big dividends because wonderful ladies like this aren't just found at every corner.

[Timothy]

Thanks for the advice again Tony. So your suggesting just making myself not think about it? Is it really that simple? I'm worried that if I force myself to look the other way everytime my mind wanders there, that I'm only prolonging it, or putting it off til later. I'm sort of relating it to work, the longer you put it off, the worse it will be when you have to actually get it done. I dont know, the whole thing is unfair to her, unfair that it happened in the first place, and unfair that I'm having these stupid hangups about it. I dont feel like I'm judging her, I think she's a wonderful person, who was put in bad situations by the people who were supposed to care for her the most, her parents. Maybe I am underneath, but on the surface it doesnt seem so. I'll try just shifting my thinking when it comes around as you suggest, her past is her past, and I, of all people, shouldnt be dwelling on it. Its not my place.

 

Its funny, I can look at myself, and realize how my thinking is "wrong", and how sometimes I am creating problems that dont really exist in my own mind, but even though I consciously realize I'm doing it, I find it incredibly difficult to change the way I think. I wish my mind were as easily manipulated as code. Thanks again for your opinions.

 

-Timothy

[MegaB]

Well, the problem is not her, but you. If you can't deal with it now and it's bothering you so much, then why not take a time off from her? Tell her honestly about your feelings...I don't think pretending what happened to her doesn't bother you is going to help her. Of course through that process, you will hurt her feelings, but in order to find peace in your mind...you probably do have to take a step back. But honestly, sorry to say this...it's just too bad that she's engaged to you.

 

Are you selfish? Yes you are, but hey, you are being just a typical male I think. Let's face it...human society has double standards imposed upon women when it comes to sex. If a boy had so many sexual experiences, he would be considered an early bird and his excellent techniques would only make him a stud...whereas for a woman, she is no longer "pure". Isn't that what's going on in your mind? Like...she reminds you of a "whore"? Be honest to your self. What happened to her was one of the most disturbing stories I have heard in a long time, but at the same time...it is one of the saddest. She had NO power over what happened. Why doesn't she hate her father? Do you know how difficult it is to admit that your parent is a sick psychopath? It invalidates your entire existance...do you even know how that feels? She probably was angry for a long time, and probably struggled through it. The fact that she can detach herself from the horrible past is an indication that she has dealt with it. Trust me...I've been there and she seems like she is at a very healthy stage of dealing with the issue. She has dealt with it...but you can't, therefore, you should just leave and lose out on this wonderful healthy person. Too bad that she's engaged to such a stereotypical male who has double standards on women's sexual experiences.

[Rogue]

I think you should be honest with her and tell her that her past makes you feel uncomfortable. She already suspects that it might have something to do with that,being honest just clears the air. But when you decide to tell the truth, you should tell the whole truth.

 

The whole truth is that you have so much more than just sex, and even if you may feel a little queasy right now doesn't mean your feelings for her have changed. Also let her know in no way do you hold her responsible for what happened and that this whole thing will pass. I think it will pass eventually, and you'll regain your attraction in a matter of time.In the meantime , respect and honesty should prevail. She was honest enough to tell you something unpleasant about herself, and you should be prepared to admit it bugs you a little.(Imagine what she would think if it had no effect on you whatsoever? That would be disturbing to me.)

[leah]

i don't mean to sound harsh, but your response to the violence inflicted on this woman is why rape is so underreported. this double standard is why when a woman is raped in afganistan (?) SHE goes to jail, not the man who raped her.

 

i can understand that you are sickened by the events in her life. but obviously she loves you enough to trust you with a terrible secret. i wonder if you do love her...if you don't then let her go to find someone who can comfort her and love her eventhough she may feel defected sometimes.

 

if you tell her your feelings, she may close up...and not share anymore with you or any other man. but then again, she needs to know if you are as shallow as you sound.