Feedback Appreciated - Back with the Ex?

[kerrie71]

My BF of 8 months broke up with me 2 months ago, after yet another argument about the amount of time we spend together (I'm a big-time planner; he is not AT ALL!) Throughout our relationship, I brought up the issue over and over again. It was really was our only issue...but to me it was a huge deal. Looking back on it, I realize that I had become a bit clingy. I was keeping my calendar clear for him in the hopes that I would see him, and then getting angry with him when he didn't make plans to be with me. I was constantly pushing and prodding at someone who is a semi-commitmentphobe and he, of course, was pulling further and further away each time I did. And, each time he'd retreat, I'd flip out. The final straw for him was when I sent him an ultimatum email, saying that we spend more time together or we end it.

 

So, he ended it, citing my constant dissatisfaction with the relationship. He asked that we be friends, but I couldn't do that, and told him so. He was very upset by this, and argued that I was as close to him as family, and that he didn't want to lose me completely. That he loved me. But I was afraid I would never be able to look at him in a platonic light, and would only be setting myself up for future heartache. We left it at that, and he respected my request for NC.

 

6 weeks later, we see each other at a party. We kind of circle around one another with polite chit-chat but, as the evening progresses, we are talking one on one. He begins to get upset and emotional. He tells me how much he loves me, how I'm his best friend, how much he's missed me. I tell him that breaking up was the right thing for him to do, and that it would all work out. We leave the party together, he asks me to stay over. And I do. We don't have sex....we just sleep together. It's nice. He takes me to lunch the next morning, and calls me at work at least 8 times the following day to say hello.

 

He invites me over the following night. Another platonic evening. We hug goodbye at the door, and I go home. He calls me multiple times the next day.

 

He invites me over again the next night. We watch TV and talk. Around 1030pm I get up to leave, and he asks me to stay longer. I stay an hour longer, and then go to leave again. He asks me to stay over, promising not to make any moves on me. I agree to do so. We go to bed and start talking about happier times, good memories. A kiss on the cheek turns into a kiss on the mouth and yada, yada, yada - we have sex. We wake up in the morning and do it again. He phones me after I've left...probably 6 or so times that day/night.

 

A day later, he invites me over again. We dance in the living room, and he cooks for me. I stay over, and we just sleep together. He calls me a few times after I've left his place.

 

I don't want to get my hopes up that we are reconciling, although it certainly feels like it. I had a friend that suggested that I try very hard not to discuss the relationship with him at length...that I just chill out and see where it goes. She seems to think that if I don't put pressure on him to define things, that he'll define it on his own. It seems that the less I say, the less I ask for, the more he gives me.

 

Feedback?

[theone44]

Originally posted by kerrie71

 

My BF of 8 months broke up with me 2 months ago, after yet another argument about the amount of time we spend together (I'm a big-time planner; he is not AT ALL!) Throughout our relationship, I brought up the issue over and over again. It was really was our only issue...but to me it was a huge deal. Looking back on it, I realize that I had become a bit clingy. I was keeping my calendar clear for him in the hopes that I would see him, and then getting angry with him when he didn't make plans to be with me. I was constantly pushing and prodding at someone who is a semi-commitmentphobe and he, of course, was pulling further and further away each time I did. And, each time he'd retreat, I'd flip out. The final straw for him was when I sent him an ultimatum email, saying that we spend more time together or we end it.

 

So, he ended it, citing my constant dissatisfaction with the relationship. He asked that we be friends, but I couldn't do that, and told him so. He was very upset by this, and argued that I was as close to him as family, and that he didn't want to lose me completely. That he loved me. But I was afraid I would never be able to look at him in a platonic light, and would only be setting myself up for future heartache. We left it at that, and he respected my request for NC.

 

6 weeks later, we see each other at a party. We kind of circle around one another with polite chit-chat but, as the evening progresses, we are talking one on one. He begins to get upset and emotional. He tells me how much he loves me, how I'm his best friend, how much he's missed me. I tell him that breaking up was the right thing for him to do, and that it would all work out. We leave the party together, he asks me to stay over. And I do. We don't have sex....we just sleep together. It's nice. He takes me to lunch the next morning, and calls me at work at least 8 times the following day to say hello.

 

He invites me over the following night. Another platonic evening. We hug goodbye at the door, and I go home. He calls me multiple times the next day.

 

He invites me over again the next night. We watch TV and talk. Around 1030pm I get up to leave, and he asks me to stay longer. I stay an hour longer, and then go to leave again. He asks me to stay over, promising not to make any moves on me. I agree to do so. We go to bed and start talking about happier times, good memories. A kiss on the cheek turns into a kiss on the mouth and yada, yada, yada - we have sex. We wake up in the morning and do it again. He phones me after I've left...probably 6 or so times that day/night.

 

A day later, he invites me over again. We dance in the living room, and he cooks for me. I stay over, and we just sleep together. He calls me a few times after I've left his place.

 

I don't want to get my hopes up that we are reconciling, although it certainly feels like it. I had a friend that suggested that I try very hard not to discuss the relationship with him at length...that I just chill out and see where it goes. She seems to think that if I don't put pressure on him to define things, that he'll define it on his own. It seems that the less I say, the less I ask for, the more he gives me.

 

Feedback?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Listen to your friend.....u are doing just find.......Don't talk about the relationship,and do not pressure him in anyway about the pass or relationship. That was the mistake i made with my girlfriend and i believe i might have ran her away for good. I tell u i learn my lesson thro. Just play it cool,calm and collective......and try to hold yourself back some too........cause u don't want him to be just using u for sex. What i would do is hold back a little with, coming over to his house and hold back on the sex some too and see what happen.....don't express your feeling or emotion toward him to soon and she how he will pursue u.....

[SoleMate]

This looks a lot like a reconciliation to me. It sounds like you both got into bad habits during your original r/s - you pursued, he distanced himself - and as you say, now that you have pulled back, he is doing the pursuing. And I bet that feels good.

 

If I were you, I would keep doing what you're doing, and start reading a few books about communication and meeting needs in relationships. He may have a need for some degree of space and autonomy - many men do (as do lots of women). Your insight about how you would keep your calendar clear and wait for him to call is a good one. That puts a lot of pressure on him to provide all your social stimulation and entertainment. You may find you prefer a relationship where you both can do separate things and have your own interests, but also a lot of shared activity. This actually keeps the relationship fresher, since when you ARE together you can both talk about what you did separately - fishing, dance class, time with friends, etc.

 

One potentially touchy subject - especially if you are having unprotected sex - is whether either of you may have had any sexual activity during the breakup time. Otherwise, I would say cautiously that things look fairly good. But at some point, if this r/s is to continue, you both have to find an equilibrium that feels good to you, and a way to solve problems together so this type of thing does not recur.

[dugs]

Whatever you decide to do, take it slow and be careful. Don't let your guard up. Me and my ex broke up for 3 months and then we started talking again one day. Everything was fine and we were getting along better than before...we had sex a few times and then about a month after it seemed like we were really going to get back together she distanced herself from me all over again for no reason that I could possibly see. I don't mean to be a downer, but I have been in your situation before and it felt like we were breaking up all over again. Be careful. They already dumped us once, they can do it again.

[kerrie71]

Thanks for the responses!

 

Since my last post, not much has changed. The ex and I speak daily and hang out once or twice a week. There are no future-of-our-relationship talks, but we do chat about things that we did together while we were dating (only good memories).

 

One thing of note that you may be able to offer your opinions on:

 

The last time my ex and I saw one another, we met up at a friend's party. In a rare role-reversal, I was drunk and he was sober. I decided to leave, and said goodbye to he and his friends. He announced that he was ready to go, too, and that we should share a cab. In the taxi, he announced that we should just cab it back to his place and that, since he was sober, he could drive me home from there. Fine with me. We get to his apartment, and he says he just needs to go in and get something. Fine again. We go in and he turns on the tv. He suggests that I just stay over; that he'll be "good" and that he'll take me to breakfast in the morning. I was drunk and dizzy, so I agreed. I went to bed and he stayed in the living room for awhile.

 

I woke up some time later to find him kneeling down on the floor, next to the bed where I was lying. I don't remember much, but do remember that he said that he loved me, and that he gave me a peck on the lips. There was more said, I'm sure, but I can't remember. He kept his word, and didn't make a move on me. He put his arms around me while we slept, and gave me a kiss on the cheek here and there, but that's it.

 

So, here's my issue, neurotic as I may be:

 

I'm happy to not be a booty call, but it's a bit of a blast to the ego when your man doesn't try to jump you! He clearly arranged to have me sleep over, but then he goes and treats me with respect He tells me that he loves me, but he keeps mum about what we are doing. Does he only want friendship? I'm just looking for another way of looking at it, I guess.

 

We are seeing each other tonight. I'm not going to discuss a thing with him, in keeping with my new method of not being the person who always brings up the State-of-our-Union talks, but I'm curious to see if he acts like my buddy or my boyfriend.

[pancakepalace]

I don't think he wanted to signify he only wants friendship by not pulling a move while you were drunk. I would say he wants you back, but is playing it extra careful. He must feel insecure about the whole thing and wants to make it as best as possible. It would have been a really bad move of him to take advantage that you were drunk. Be happy he is such a gentleman.

 

You are very lucky to have a second chance. Don't blow it by extrapolating ideas from his behaviours. Stay calm and enjoy yourself and yourselves and don't think about things too much. Life is full of wonderful mysteries and trying to unravel them too early can sometimes smother them.

 

I think a big problem in relationships (from my exprience anyhow) is that a lot of times one person tries to pin-down what the other person is thinking or feeling without having talked to him or her about it. The longer this guesswork is active, the more the guesser believes in what he has created as an answer. Problem is when the guessed finally wants to explain his feelings with words the guesser has already fabricated his or her own answer and will, probably subconsciouly, be less receptive to the guessed's own words.

 

Humans are extremely complex and can become quite unpredictable when under emotional pressure. This site is basically people in very stressed situations asking strangers to help them out by guessing what they should do or what the other person might be feeling. Very helpful and positive in a way, but also dangerous in another since these strangers have only one side of the story and can't really know what is going on. Take their advice: yes. Fabricate answers and ideas of your relationship based on these answers: not sure.

 

In due time, you both will need to communicate with precision what you are feeling for each other. Meanwhile, don't invent his mind by guesswork. Be open, be honest, be receptive, be there for him and yourself, enjoy every moment of it, but, don't invent or extrapolate.

 

When time comes to talk, you need a clean and open mind.

[mischafan160]

You are so lucky. Congratulations, if you move cautiously things are looking good for you.

[kerrie71]

Thanks, but HE'S the one who is lucky...I'm a catch

 

I'm not going to allow myself too much excitement at the prospect of getting back together. I don't want to get hurt again. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. I hope it does, but I'm not going to base my whole life's happiness on whether or not he realizes I'm worth the commitment.

 

Thanks again for the advice. Much appreciated.

[theone44]

Originally posted by kerrie71

Thanks, but HE'S the one who is lucky...I'm a catch

 

I'm not going to allow myself too much excitement at the prospect of getting back together. I don't want to get hurt again. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. I hope it does, but I'm not going to base my whole life's happiness on whether or not he realizes I'm worth the commitment.

 

Thanks again for the advice. Much appreciated.

 

 

 

Hey Kerrie71 i'm single and i will marry you..........

[mischafan160]

Originally posted by kerrie71

Thanks, but HE'S the one who is lucky...I'm a catch

 

That's so true I really hope it works out for you.

[kerrie71]

Thanks, guys. You're all stars!

 

Not to be too graphic, and I apologize in advance, but I'm now getting calls today from a very hot and bothered ex boyfriend. He's in need of a little action, apparently. I got these calls when we were together, and he was feeling randy, but I'm unprepared for how to deal with it now! I'm so worried about being seen as a booty call, as opposed to whatever it is that I am. He's not come right out and asked, but the innuendo is so much so that it's ridiculous.

 

He phoned last night, and said that he wishes that I were there, that if I were he would spoon me to sleep. I liked that because it was less sexual and more intimate. It was sweet. Today, while I'm happy that he "wants" me, I am conscious of the fact that I'm setting a precedent; that what I allow now will become the standard. And I want more than sex. I want intimacy. And love.

 

So, I'm just being coy and playing it off like it's a joke. Hopefully he'll find his own release later and will get off of this track!