C00kie Posted August 18, 2013 Share Posted August 18, 2013 (edited) I've just woken up. I had this nightmare that still seems so real, I barely have any strenghts in my body. I don't feel like getting up, I am still my bed writing this. I know, it's "just" a nightmare and sometimes it just reflects our fears, not reality, or maybe a mix of the two. In my dream I saw my MM in a family reunion, and I was happy to see him, until she showed up, and she was pregnant. At first I thought she was just fat (denial), even though it was obvious that she was pregnant. Then he confirmed it. And they were one happy family. No signs of coldness between them, just a normal stable couple. I asked him how could he do that to me, because he always told me they don't have sex, or hardly any, and he should have been careful because he said he wanted us to be together. And then he looked at me with pity and said we couldn't be together anymore. Whenever I found myself alone with her I would stroke her belly in a loving way, I felt love for that child. She had no idea I was her husband's lover, she thought I was a friend. Then I found myself in a church crying desperately, alone, looking at Jesus on the cross and saying "I have to be here, if I leave I'll end my life". I woke up crying and it still feels so real, even though it isn't. Jeez. Re-reading it, it sounds creepy. But I just feel so bad, I wish someone (HE) was here by my side saying it was just a bad dream. I wish there was no wife, no connection with reality, and that I could feel relieved. Last night I went to my best friend's bday party and felt so alone. We went to a brazilian restaurant, which wasn't great because me and MM have spent holidays in Brazil and EVERYTHING reminded me of him. The decoration, the music. The kind of vibe that's supposed to make you feel cheerful just left me so depressed. I wanted to run to the bathroom and cry my heart out. I was just so sad instead of being happy for my friend, but I managed not to show it. As usual, I said a few jokes and managed to laugh. And seeing all those happy (or so they seem) couples around me, dancing, kissing, being openly in love, being happy...I felt so empty. I guess none of this helped and may have contributed to this nightmare I had, together with everything else. Yes, I know I deserve more and have to move on but right now I just wanted to get it out... Edited August 18, 2013 by C00kie Link to post Share on other sites
fanine Posted August 18, 2013 Share Posted August 18, 2013 You've come to the right place to let it all out Better to do that than hold it all in. I can understand totally how you feel. Hang in there. One day it will all be a distant dream. One day it will feel better. I keep telling myself that. It will take time. But will one day be okay x 2 Link to post Share on other sites
WakingUp Posted August 18, 2013 Share Posted August 18, 2013 Cookie, your post made me cry. I too have been having nightmares about his W. And being with my friends... and feeling like an alien. Because I don't belong, I am not authentic and honest. I am not who I say I am, my life is not real anymore. Its an awful feeling. I am taking one day at a time. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TaintedLuv Posted August 18, 2013 Share Posted August 18, 2013 Funny- recently every night for a week I was having nightmares about being in the same place as MM and his W with her pregnant belly. It's frustrating to not be able to get peace even in sleep. So I started drinking enough to completely pass out and not remember my dreams. Worked like a charm. Lol. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author C00kie Posted August 18, 2013 Author Share Posted August 18, 2013 It's frustrating to not be able to get peace even in sleep. True. I never had problems with sleeping before, but now...well, I can't remember the last time I had a good night of sleep, unless I take medication, which I avoid. So sad... Link to post Share on other sites
Author C00kie Posted August 18, 2013 Author Share Posted August 18, 2013 Cookie, your post made me cry. I too have been having nightmares about his W. And being with my friends... and feeling like an alien. Because I don't belong, I am not authentic and honest. I am not who I say I am, my life is not real anymore. Its an awful feeling. I am taking one day at a time. At least we have people here to talk to...it's not good to know other people are experiencing this, but at least we don't feel so alone. I'm taking one day at a time too...it gets better, so let's just live by the moment and hope for the best... Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted August 18, 2013 Share Posted August 18, 2013 Cookie, vivid dreams are a way for you to work through your grief. Obviously, you are hurting right now. We all do our best to go through our daily lives without disruption, while at the same time carrying this painful, heavy secret. I've had similar dreams and they are so disconcerting. Those dreams stay with me all day. I had a dream my exMM was in my bed, stroking my hair, talking to me about his new home. It was such a heavy sick feeling when I woke up and realized it was just another new day of NC...that is was a dream, and I was alone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted August 18, 2013 Share Posted August 18, 2013 Funny- recently every night for a week I was having nightmares about being in the same place as MM and his W with her pregnant belly. It's frustrating to not be able to get peace even in sleep. So I started drinking enough to completely pass out and not remember my dreams. Worked like a charm. Lol. Please, please seek help. Drinking until you pass out is not the answer at all. OP, I've had some odd dreams the last few weeks, but not quite that odd. I understand why you would wake feeling like that. I can totally relate to being around other couples and not feeling like you fit in, etc. I went somewhere last night with friends and it seemed like everyone was part of a couple. It made me feel very, very alone. My friends wanted to go out to clubs and party more, but I just came home around midnight instead. Just wasn't in to it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author C00kie Posted August 18, 2013 Author Share Posted August 18, 2013 My friends wanted to go out to clubs and party more, but I just came home around midnight instead. Just wasn't in to it. That's what happened. I stayed at the restaurant till about 1am, then they decided to go somewhere else to dance, and I just came home. I wasn't enjoying myself at all and couldn't put up a front much longer... Link to post Share on other sites
Author C00kie Posted August 18, 2013 Author Share Posted August 18, 2013 (edited) Please, please seek help. Drinking until you pass out is not the answer at all. I thought it was a joke or that maybe it only happened a couple of times...hope it's in the past. Edited August 18, 2013 by C00kie Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted August 18, 2013 Share Posted August 18, 2013 That's what happened. I stayed at the restaurant till about 1am, then they decided to go somewhere else to dance, and I just came home. I wasn't enjoying myself at all and couldn't put up a front much longer... Exactly! There was a dance party and they wanted to dance so we stayed a bit, but just seeing all of those happy couples together made me cringe. (I'll say he's currently experiencing a medical emergency of sorts and that's why we didn't see each other this weekend. Even if he weren't a MM, we would not have been together this w/end unless it was me taking care of him, anyway and he hates that kind of thing so probably not even then. lol) Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted August 18, 2013 Share Posted August 18, 2013 Cookie, vivid dreams are a way for you to work through your grief. Obviously, you are hurting right now. We all do our best to go through our daily lives without disruption, while at the same time carrying this painful, heavy secret. I've had similar dreams and they are so disconcerting. Those dreams stay with me all day. I had a dream my exMM was in my bed, stroking my hair, talking to me about his new home. It was such a heavy sick feeling when I woke up and realized it was just another new day of NC...that is was a dream, and I was alone. Oh man I had 3 like this myself all last week. It's so disconcerting when you wake up and not only is he not there, then you remember he'll never be there again. I hadn't dreamt about xMM in probably 5 months, then boom, there he is lingering in my mind so vividly it feels real. Cookie, I'm sorry you had such a rough night. Hopefully you're starting to shake it off. I ended up taking a sleeping pill every single night except 2 for almost 2 months after DDay. Even with that, it still took about a month before I even slept all the way through the night. Anyway, hope you're feeling better and just know you're not alone (((hugs))) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaintedLuv Posted August 18, 2013 Share Posted August 18, 2013 Please, please seek help. Drinking until you pass out is not the answer at all. OP, I've had some odd dreams the last few weeks, but not quite that odd. I understand why you would wake feeling like that. I can totally relate to being around other couples and not feeling like you fit in, etc. I went somewhere last night with friends and it seemed like everyone was part of a couple. It made me feel very, very alone. My friends wanted to go out to clubs and party more, but I just came home around midnight instead. Just wasn't in to it. I'm not an alcoholic!! I didn't literally mean I drank til I was unconscious. I just meant id have a couple drinks so I would sleep more soundly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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