MassiveAtom Posted November 8, 2004 Share Posted November 8, 2004 Hi all, I haven't posted in a while. I've been working to create some harmony in my marriage. It's is ever clearer now that one person cannot save a marriage, but one person can destroy it. My wife has decided to leave, take the kids, the dog, and the cat and leave me with the task of selling the house, and moving on. She is convinced that there is no hope for our marriage, she refuses to attend counseling with me, she IS remorseful that her actions are causing me pain, and truly believes that there is no hope for our life together. I can't help but feel abandoned, and truly believe I did ALL I could. I understand how she feels, I was there myself before. I still want our marriage to work and she's absolutely right that it's not working. I want her to be happy, and I'm willing to let her go so that she can be happy. My question. As I work to accept, understand, forgive, and be compassionate and kind to her in her most diffcult times, I have to figure out, outside of therapy, how do you get through the hours after your mate and partner leaves. I expect a deafening silence, a roomfull of dimmed sunshine, with every fleck of dust reminding me that my life, as I wanted it, is over. I fear the sadness that will fill that shell of an empty home, and the grief that I must enter and own to get through the pain that's imminent. There's a statement that keeps rolling through my head as I prepare to support her in ripping the heart out of my 6 year old daughter. I plan to tell her that "I don't want this. If there was anything I could do to stop it, I would. If I could cast a magic spell or wave a magic wand that I would right this minute. But we know that magic wands and spells are just fairy tales. I will always be your father, and I will always love you no matter what." I know I have to say the same thing to myself as well. Well, not the father part. It breaks my heart to know that the woman I love and truly do feel is the reason I am who I am; she opened my eyes to what I couldn't see in myself, and gave me cause to improve, is now convinced that this marriage is not worth saving., and I am not worth working with. That last statement is her perspective. I know that I am truly special and have a lot to give. even moreso, that I AM worth all the things that marriage entails. I invite anyone so inclined to look up my other posts to gain some perspective before replying. mA Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted November 8, 2004 Share Posted November 8, 2004 MA, be sure to check your PM.... Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted November 8, 2004 Share Posted November 8, 2004 MA, I'm so sorry things didn't work out for you. I had you in my prayers for the longest time. Hang in there brother, we're here if you need us. Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted November 8, 2004 Share Posted November 8, 2004 I am so sorry that things did not work out, but you did what you could and if she has to go then let her go. Just remember your daughter and do talk to her and do not neglet her. I went through my parents divorce and it was very hard for me. I remember having to chose whether I wanted to live with my mother or father and it was difficult. I chose my mother and I know my father was hurting because of it. Do not think less of yourself for this. Like you said she opened your eyes. She showed you all the wonderful things there was to you and they are still there. You sound like a wonderful father and like I always say things happen for a reason and just because you cannot see those reasons now it doesn't mean it's the end of the world. Its hard and your hurting but we cannot think about ourselves all the time..maybe she needs this... Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted November 8, 2004 Share Posted November 8, 2004 Originally posted by EtErNaLlYCoNfUsEd Do not think less of yourself for this. Like you said she opened your eyes. She showed you all the wonderful things there was to you and they are still there. You sound like a wonderful father and like I always say things happen for a reason and just because you cannot see those reasons now it doesn't mean it's the end of the world. Its hard and your hurting but we cannot think about ourselves all the time..maybe she needs this... very well said EC.... Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted November 8, 2004 Share Posted November 8, 2004 MA, i'm so sorry that you're going through this but at least you can be confident that you've done everything you can. i know that doesn't help much right now. I plan to tell her that "I don't want this. If there was anything I could do to stop it, I would. If I could cast a magic spell or wave a magic wand that I would right this minute. But we know that magic wands and spells are just fairy tales. I will always be your father, and I will always love you no matter what." telling your daughter won't be easy. some say that you should be careful NOT to assign blame.... or not to even say things like "i don't want this" because even though you're not saying mom does... it can cause problems. she's young and she may not necessarily read into those statements the way older kids do. but it's a hard line to walk. friends of mine just had a similar conversation with their kids (13 and 9) and pretty much just told them that mom and dad had been having some problems and weren't getting along very well and needed some time apart to sort things out. i don't know if they're just going for a separation at this point or straight to the divorce. when we told my kids, my ex insisted that i accept the "blame" for what was happening. in retrospect i should have put my foot down and said no. although things worked out ok, my son assumed that since i had stopped loving his father that i may stop loving him as well. so there were some rough times for the first month or two. you will make it through this, being alone isn't always easy. my divorce was my decision and sometimes i like my "me" time, but there are other times when it's very lonely. in time you'll find things to occupy your time and remember at time when your daughter is with your wife, you can still be in touch. i talk to my kids every night and sometimes several times during the day. mine are 11 & 13 and they each have their own cell phones to allow them an easy way to stay in touch. it makes them feel connected at all times. 6 is a little young for a phone but .... take care of yourself! izzy Link to post Share on other sites
Author MassiveAtom Posted November 8, 2004 Author Share Posted November 8, 2004 Originally posted by EtErNaLlYCoNfUsEd Its hard and your hurting but we cannot think about ourselves all the time..maybe she needs this... She needs to devastate her children and cause untold pain and damage to the people who love her most? hmmm. Maybe I'm not looking at this the right way. It's possible that she's lost her mind. That she can't think straight with everything she's trying to do. Is that just denial? I won't fool myself, She's completely lucid. The fact is that she just doesn't want to be married to me anymore. And I know she needs to be free of the demands of marriage. Ugh, This is really starting to hurt. Well.... I guess I'm off to the Divorce section. Need some advice on coping.. Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted November 8, 2004 Share Posted November 8, 2004 I am sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted November 8, 2004 Share Posted November 8, 2004 I am sorry for your pain but I have to ask....why are you letting her take your daughter with her? Why can't she stay with you? Or why don't you share custody 50-50? My husband and I are separating in a few months once my new house is built and the kids are going to split their time 50-50 with each of us. I could never take them from his home, and he could never keep them from mine. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted November 8, 2004 Share Posted November 8, 2004 I'm sorry to hear that, Atom. Originally posted by Izzybelle...telling your daughter won't be easy. some say that you should be careful NOT to assign blame.... or not to even say things like "i don't want this" because even though you're not saying mom does... it can cause problems. she's young and she may not necessarily read into those statements the way older kids do. but it's a hard line to walk. I do agree with Izzybelle on this. It is perhaps best to try to avoid assigning blame. It's too hard on a little one to feel divided in her loyalty to her parents. This is the time to present a united front as parents, each reassuring her, and supporting the other as much as they can. I know that will be difficult for you, because you're not the one who wanted to end the marriage. But you sound like a great Dad, so I'm sure you'll put your daughter's needs first. My question. As I work to accept, understand, forgive, and be compassionate and kind to her in her most diffcult times, I have to figure out, outside of therapy, how do you get through the hours after your mate and partner leaves. I expect a deafening silence, a roomfull of dimmed sunshine, with every fleck of dust reminding me that my life, as I wanted it, is over. I fear the sadness that will fill that shell of an empty home, and the grief that I must enter and own to get through the pain that's imminent. Please don't 'go there' before you have to. I don't doubt that there will be times when the lonliness is very difficult. But don't give in to expectation of it. Who knows? There might end up being a certain relief to finally have it all settled after all this time. Or you and your wife might reconcile at some point down the road. The future is not written in stone. Grief is a process and there will be good days and bad ones. Try to get out and enjoy the good ones, and let the bad ones ease on by. Always remember that no matter how low you feel today, there's hope for tomorrow. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Nosmas Posted November 8, 2004 Share Posted November 8, 2004 Massive, I'm most sincerely sorry to hear life has thrown you this misery. My feeling of regret that things did not work out better is only matched by my confidence that you have more than enough character to persevere. Link to post Share on other sites
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