Am I overreating or is my fiance cheating??

[00jb83]

My guy and I have been together for almost 8 years. Engaged for two. We both have crazy schedules and don't see much of each other. He has every Saturday off and I have every other weekend off. The days that I am off he spends time with us ( my child from a previous marriage) no problem. But the days that I work, even though I'm home around 10 pm he tends to be out until 4 am or so drinking. He comes home reeking of alcohol and passes out on the couch. He thinks its ok cause he's just with family. He also conveniently stops replying to text messages or takes hours to reply claiming he lost track of time or his phone died. This is a problem for me because in the beginning of our relationship there was an issue with me finding texts from another girl. We got past this, but its still triggers something in my mind when he starts acting shady. His excuse is always the same saying he's with family just enjoying them since he doesn't see them often with his work schedule being like it is. Says he's doing his best to balance his time everyone as much as possible with the 4 days he has off. I don't want to nag or control him since I know he doesn't see them much either and they are a really close family. But why so late? Last night he came in at 6am! I think it is so disrespectful and I'm just over it all and want to end the engagement. Overreacting??

[coffeebean201]

I don't know. He's not around and he doesn't seem all that invested.

 

Maybe work on your appearance and start being the person that will attract the kind of man you want to settle down with.

[emva07]

don't know if he's cheating or not but DEFF not someone you should marry. Like coffeebean said, doesn't seem invested.

 

First off, do you think the day you get married he will stop drinking, coming home at 4am, not answering the phone, passing out on the couch? His family will always be family so that won't stop. Try to distance him from his family will only make him/them resent you. Throw in the mix the lack of trust because of past cheatings, this makes for a long miserable life for you of waiting around, being upset, being paranoid,

being lonely. He knows you buy his excuses so he knows he can just keep using them and you're not going anywhere. Why would he change once you're married? You didn't leave when you were just a gf and a fiance, he knows you deff won't leave as a wife.

 

 

Secondly, if you are having doubts about the marriage, DON'T DO IT.

Edited August 19, 2013 by emva07

[nescafe1982]

He's being shady. I don't know if it's cheating, but if after 8 years he's not being honest with you 100%, that is a BIG red flag.

 

But what is more concerning isn't the spectre of infidelity... infidelity is often a symptom of a much larger problem. In this case, his drinking habit and coming home at all hours with little or no excuse, his erratic behavior... these all point to the kind of unstable personality that is not right for marriage.

 

- He stops responding to your texts messages: this may not be a sign of cheating, but it does convey a troubling lack of regard for you and a generalized self-centeredness. What does he say when you confront him on it? Have you told him that you expect him to be more reliable than that? Does he get angry, dismissive, or evasive?

 

- If he's seeing family, how frequently do you also visit his family? Why isn't he bringing you along? If he's not bringing you, that's a big red flag.

 

- You have a child. I'm not one to tell anyone how to mother their kid (I don't have children myself, fwiw), but is he coming home drunk when you child is around? How does he treat your child? These are important indicators of his level of investment... just being drunk in front of the child or exhibiting any erratic behavior is a big problem!

 

Your post is very brief, but if I were you I'd be VERY reticent to marry someone who has not worked out their major problems like this. He sounds unstable, erratic, and I'm willing to venture there is a good deal of interpersonal conflict between you two as a result of his behaviors. After 8 years I'm not sure what you'll want to try to do to fix this relationship... but you need an immediate intervention, and it must be big, done swiftly, and you must be willing to walk away from him if he is unwilling to change. The help of a professional might help.

 

Good luck, and if there are other signs of general instability (e.g. not just the "is he cheating" stuff), can you elaborate? My guess is that there is a much larger picture here

[ChessPieceFace]

Stepping into the husband and father role will require maturity. I'm not seeing any in his behavior.

[ExpatInItaly]

Out until at least 4 every time? And then out until 6? Which family members does he say he's with? He obviously knows it's distressing to you when he does this. The fact that he continues to do it says that he doesn't take your concerns seriously. That, for me, would already be a big problem.

 

I'd suggest telling him you feel like blowing off a little steam too, and that you'd love to join them on one of these nights out. Gauge his reaction.

[crederer]

I dunno I did this a bunch of times with a previous ex and I wasn't doing anything shady. I was 19-24 during that relationship, and I wanted to go out and tie one on from time to time. My ex reacted the same as you. Meanwhile I really wasn't doing anything wrong.

 

I'd come home at 4am quite a bit, like once a week or so.

 

One time she actually came to the bar and literally dragged me out by my collar in front of my friends that I've known my whole life. Super embarassing. Don't let it get to you, it can very likely be that he is just letting loose. And if he isn't doing anything shady he will likely resent you if you get all weird about it.

[emva07]

I dunno I did this a bunch of times with a previous ex and I wasn't doing anything shady. I was 19-24 during that relationship, and I wanted to go out and tie one on from time to time. My ex reacted the same as you. Meanwhile I really wasn't doing anything wrong.

 

I'd come home at 4am quite a bit, like once a week or so.

 

One time she actually came to the bar and literally dragged me out by my collar in front of my friends that I've known my whole life. Super embarassing. Don't let it get to you, it can very likely be that he is just letting loose. And if he isn't doing anything shady he will likely resent you if you get all weird about it.

 

You said it you were young, letting loose. This guy is about to be a husband and a father. Two different points in life.