Psychotic and ruining my relationship

[shalsays]

Okay, this is going to be long and possibly confusing so bare with me. I've been in a relationship for 5 years. It is a good relationship, I love him. But I'm starting to believe I am really ****ed up.

 

I have horrible self esteem. I have seriously been looking into plastic surgery. And if I had the money and time, I would be going under the knife tomorrow. I find pictures of hot girls and send them to my boyfriend to see who he thinks is hottest. I ask him to describe perfect bodies, just so I can compare myself to them. I want him to tell me I'm not good enough and ugly, which is messed up. We have a long complicated past.

 

I want him to cheat on me. He has before. Well I caught him sexting other girls. Not cheating in the typical since, but betrayal nevertheless. But I enjoy the attention he gave me after that I want him to do it again. I start fights just for extra attention. I've even thought of other situations where I am offended by another man just so he would protect me.

 

And yes, I know I'm acting crazy and insane. And I don't have a past of abuse or bad childhood. My ex used to kind of force me into sexual activities, but that's it. Speaking of sex, during sex is one of the only times I actually feel attractive.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to ruin this. I do want to marry him. We are in the process of getting a house built together. I just want to stop acting like this. Umm help?

[FitChick]

You need to eliminate the beliefs you have about being not good enough, not worthy, not lovable. If you had more "posts" to your user name I could PM you and give you the answer. Something that really works and works faster than conventional therapy.

[New User]

Okay, this is going to be long and possibly confusing so bare with me. I've been in a relationship for 5 years. It is a good relationship, I love him. But I'm starting to believe I am really ****ed up.

 

I have horrible self esteem. I have seriously been looking into plastic surgery. And if I had the money and time, I would be going under the knife tomorrow. I find pictures of hot girls and send them to my boyfriend to see who he thinks is hottest. I ask him to describe perfect bodies, just so I can compare myself to them. I want him to tell me I'm not good enough and ugly, which is messed up. We have a long complicated past.

 

I want him to cheat on me. He has before. Well I caught him sexting other girls. Not cheating in the typical since, but betrayal nevertheless. But I enjoy the attention he gave me after that I want him to do it again. I start fights just for extra attention. I've even thought of other situations where I am offended by another man just so he would protect me.

 

And yes, I know I'm acting crazy and insane. And I don't have a past of abuse or bad childhood. My ex used to kind of force me into sexual activities, but that's it. Speaking of sex, during sex is one of the only times I actually feel attractive.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to ruin this. I do want to marry him. We are in the process of getting a house built together. I just want to stop acting like this. Umm help?

 

You kind of contradict yourself here. I suspect that you are going to need more than advice from strangers on the net here- like, professional help of some flavor. I don't think that anyone here will be able to give you step by step instructions on how to climb out of this.

[darkmoon]

just stick to convos about other subjects, or get meds/counselling

[shalsays]

I understand I contradict myself. I was just trying to say that. I had a good fulfilling childhood. And that the only thing I could think of was with my ex.

 

I figured I need therapy. But all my money is going towards our house. Maybe after we move. I guess I was looking to someone to relate to, but I guess I'm on my own with that one lol

 

And fitchick, can't you post whatever you are talking about on here?

[pteromom]

I wouldn't even consider marriage until you get your thinking straightened out - and make sure that you wouldn't be marrying a cheater.

 

You may like the attention he gives you when he is caught sexting, but you can't build a future on that.

[shalsays]

We are not getting married right now. That is in the distant future. And I know he's not cheating. He works 70-80 hours a week, and when he isn't at work he is with me. And when the whole sexting thing went down, he was a complete wreck. He saw it as a form of porn, which he now knows is unacceptable.

[todreaminblue]

it sucks when you don't feel good enough, i am sorry that you feel that way,i relate,

 

 

 

i hate my photo taken, loathe it, even though they try to show me after and say hey look how pretty you look.......i dont see what they see...i see.....a sad eyed girl with a smile that is frozen in place...but

 

 

 

that is my perception of the image that is captured...it is because i feel it...not because it actually is the image that others see...when i look in the mirror i see an eighty year old woman some days and sometimes.........i see that because i feel it......and when i was nineteen when i looked in the mirror it was that eighty year old woman that i could see......when i was in a psyche ward the shrinks put me in front of a mirror and said........you are not eighty ....look........you are young...now say it....i am not eighty.........

 

 

 

how you look is not the way you see yourself in the mirror.....

 

 

stand in front of a mirror...look at yourself....what do you feel?

 

now......

 

realize that everyone aroudn you does nto feel the same way you do, nor do they see what you see when you look in that mirror.....you see what is inside you....they just

 

 

see you

 

 

and they love the you they see.....be confident in that...you might not love who you are....that si what you feel....what is reality goes beyond what you feel...

 

if someone truly loves you.......(the reason why you feel attractive while having sex)........is because you see that man of yours.......you see his eyes filled with love looking at who he is looking at that person whose body he is touching.....which is you and your body

 

 

dont worry any more, dont be insecure, life is too short for you to worry about what you look like, your man is with you planning hsi life around you....looking at you...not making love to the pictures in a magazine or setting up a house with a random glossy photograph that has been air brushed..........dont spend your life not enjoying his love for you.... its a waste that you dont need to miss out on.....for you and for him....try to see your true reflection when you look in th emirror...not just how you feel ............hugs to ya huge ones....deb

Edited August 19, 2013 by todreaminblue

[Tiger Lily]

OP, everyday we wake up, we make choices about our behavior. I think you have the wherewithal to recognize your behavior, and I imagine that you have some control over the choices you make. Just based on this post, I think you've shown some co-dependent and possibly histrionic behaviors. The problem is, this dysfunctional behavior is giving you some sort of reward/pleasure/power.

 

But, it seems like you want to find reward in choosing a different way of acting. You know that your behavior isn't helping you achieve your ultimate goal of intimacy with your partner.

 

I think you have many options:

1. I agree with New User...professional counseling will be able to offer the in-depth help you need.
   
2. You can try to think of times and situations when you didn't demand extra reassurance from your BF. You seem to need a lot of confirmation that he is dedicated to you. Think of a time that either a) you were comfortable in your relationship or b) your BF expressed his dedication to you in a way that resonated with you. What were those situations like? How can you duplicate them?
   
3. Take a close look at why you want plastic surgery. Why do you think that you need to be something different than who you are? Is it really that you think so poorly of yourself, or could there be a possibility that you feel envy of others who have been given something you don't have?
   
4. Finally, I think the only way to find true peace is to love God, and see your place in this life for what it is. We're made complete in love and peace when we can connect to God through repentance.
   

Take it one day at a time, shalsays. All the best.

[mixeypixey]

Just stop.

 

The only thing that's stopping you from acting like this is because your boyfriend is so accepting of it. I just f****d up my relationship cuz I was spoilt. I spoiled myself and let myself feel all depressed and psychotic, until of course she dumped me and now I wish I had just taken it easy.

 

So.. it's pretty easy. Just stop doing it, and put it in your head that if you continue acting so crazy, he will dump you......tomorrow! Don't LET yourself be like this, it's not worth it.