Sons girlfriend!

[cazoraz]

Hi All

 

This is probably more somewhere to rant rather then anything.

 

My 22 year old son until 2 months ago lived at home. He suffers from Bipolar and i have probably been a little protective. Dont drink too much, have you taken your meds etc. Not that he didnt do the things i just did it!

 

About 6 months ago he met his girlfriend. She is the same age as him. Now i am the first to admit i didnt like her as i thought he could do better but kept my mouth shut. Why better? She doesnt work. She is lazy. Basically a flake. My son works 12 hour shifts, has managed to do his apprenticeship even with his health issues and up until 2 weeks ago i was one proud mum.

 

I had a falling out with him over the girlfriend after i found out she was bagging me and telling my son i am controlling. I told my son she was not welcome in our home. He on a number of occassions would not live by my rules and i told him if he couldnt live by my rules he could move out which he did and in with her. Not a problem. I am enjoying the clean house and the peace and quiet. Does that sound like a controlling mum?

 

Anyway, she continued to bag me out, and two weeks ago i found out she had been bagging me out to our accountant who is a friend i have know for over 20 years. My son and i got into another argument, and he called me a c**t. I dont care who you are. You dont call anyone this, and especially not your mother. Had he been in front of me i would have back handed him. This is not how he would ever talk to me. This is how she talks. Anyway i told him thats it i am done. I dont want to see you or speak to you until she is gone.

 

This will happen. He wlll soon get sick of paying the rent, food bills etc while she sits on her bum doing nothing.

 

I am just so hurt and angry. I dont even know if she did go i would have him back in the house.

 

My x husband went off at him after i told him what he had said. Even though we havent been married for ten years we are stil respectful to each other and he is very respectful of females. He is disgusted with him.

 

Was i right to tell him dont contact me?

[Eve]

I have found that it is better to pretend that you don't care so much with kids after a certain age because they often do stupid **** to try to prove to you that they are adults if you openly care too much.

 

Generally speaking if you have been consistent throughout their formative years and beyond, it is enough to simply let that stand and be there to pick up the pieces if they are hard headed kids.

 

Calling names and what have you does happen. I have done both, called names back and also not responded. The latter worked out better for me in the long run but it is not my nature to get very wound up... can't be doing with it. I would hate to say something that cannot be taken back.

 

Personally I couldn't fall out with my children for long so if I were you I would wait for it all to blow over. The dependence thing is concerning as he seems to have swopped from you to a girl who thinks she is big enough to challenge you. Maybe because of his bipolar he hasn't had opportunity to break away from you properly? I would call him and say that even though you are unhappy with what happened last time you met you would like to meet up for lunch or something. I would keep the door open but simply not have this girl over.

 

You may be in for some hard times.

 

The girl running up her mouth about you seems to be something you really need to let go off. Many people who have bipolar commit suicide so for you to have helped your son so much is highly commendable. You don't need her to acknowledge this. It is already done. WELL DONE you!

 

I have found that it is better to keep ones mind clear and get on with your own life when kids go bad. If you offer a consistent approach they eventually straighten out. I would find a new interest and enjoy your life... but I wouldn't hesitate to give him a good, long, 100% mother defined telling if he dares repeat any of that ****. Mm-hmm, seriously.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[CC12]

Was i right to tell him dont contact me?

 

I think you took it a little far. I'm not sure that what happened warranted cutting your son out of your life. He did call you a disgusting name, which was really messed up, but I think we should try to forgive people when they say stupid things in the heat of the moment.

 

And I almost feel like telling him not to contact you was more about pressuring him to break up with his girlfriend, and less about you wanting him out of your life forever because he called you a cunt. You said:

 

I dont want to see you or speak to you until she is gone.

 

And yeah, that's a little controlling. You're saying, "I won't speak to you unless you break up with her." That's not the way to treat others. He's an adult, and he is going to make some mistakes and bad decisions. You should guide him when he asks for guidance, and offer support when/if he fails. You don't insert yourself into his personal relationships, and you don't hold him accountable for things that other people do or say.

 

And just to quickly address her talking badly about you - she's going to say what she's going to say. You can't silence her through threatening your son, or any other tactic. You can nicely ask one or the two of them to please stop airing your family's dirty laundry, but if they don't comply, there's not much you can do. Let it go.

[amaysngrace]

Yes you sound extremely controlling.

 

She can't come to my house. You get out of my life.

 

Who says these things to an adult child at the beginning of a relationship? Your son needs a mom not a friend and it sounds as if you have totally sank to her level.

 

Then you call your ex to go after your son for a word. What makes you think that your damaging words to your son are okay but the words he speaks to you are not?

 

That's the epitome of a control freak. A one way street is the only road you know.

 

I don't blame him or her because you've brought this upon yourself.

[todreaminblue]

sometimes it is better to keep distance when emotions are high and you are at logger heads with a son...i have a son about the same age....he told me a couple of weeks ago i am dead to him because i refused to do something he asked....i have not seen or heard from him since........he also has called me the particular word you speak of.....

 

this is the first time i have been dead to him...he has killed me off numerous times ........he has used my not real funeral as an excuse to explain why he hasn't shown up for work in the past.....contrary to the beliefs of some...i am still alive.....more than one person has been shocked to see me out shopping......

 

 

all i can say is...you are right to keep your distance....all you can do is hope that you have and your ex has instilled a certain sense of what is right from wrong to do to another......

 

as far as the girl goes bagging you out....she probably feels a little intimidated by the strength of yoru love for yoru son....she is young....has no children....she will understand you one day ...maybe not now..but one day when she has a son or daughter and she experiences something similar she might recollect how you handled yourself ...hold your head up and dont listen to idle chatter passed on to you, about what she is saying about you.....

 

 

show her the woman she should be or might be one day...graceful under fire.....patient and unruffled ....you know the truth about who you are and how you feel......as probably do your friends she has spoken to

 

 

 

telling him never to come around while he is with her.....is going to hurt you in the long run as well as him....you have to let him make his mistakes..especially in regards to who is suitable for him and who isnt..not only that....but for him to make up his own mind when those mistakes need to be rectified or when he needs to have remorse for his own actions towards you or others...you cant provide remorse or the genuine apology that needs to be in his own words and felt by him,said when he feels the desire to say those words....

 

 

 

nor can you decide who that heart loves ...its his heart......to have broken or to love a woman....its his alone.........if only we could protect our children from broken hearts and dreams....wouldnt it be cool if we could bubble wrap hearts and bodies of peopel we love...i might give it a go one day and get back to ya....;0)........we cant though ...thats what happens when they mature the bubble wrap we have wrapped them in falls off when they walk out the door

 

you are a loving mum who cares....he will miss you one day and contact you

again, i understand why you are so hurt....it really does hurt when you want the best for them and they dont see thats what you really desire for their own happiness.....but what we think is best and what they think is best is often completely different......stay strong and i pray that you and your son.....come to an understanding and a truce soon...soften your heart for when he comes back to you....you know you want to...best wishes...hugs to ya.............deb

[D-Lish]

I'd ban the girl from my home too if I were you. I would however let my child know that the door is always open to him. I don't blame you for getting angry and cutting him out of your life in the heat of the moment because of what he said- that's just beyond disrespectful- and I consider your action appropriate in response to the comment and the heat of the moment. I'd reconsider cutting him out of your life though.

 

You can continue to have a relationship with him without involving her. She's going to say what she wants to say- and as long as you are responding with your own level of anger- she's going to feel justified in saying the things she says about you.

 

I'd reach out to your son, let him know you want to work things out with him- and stop engaging in the back and forth with his gf. Don't acknowledge what she says.

 

If you're not saying anything bad about her, or asking him to leave her- you won't give her any ammunition to use against you. If she then continues to bash you to your son- he's eventually going to turn the tide and come to your defence.

 

I understand why you are upset. I would be too in your situation. I think it would be prudent to tell your son that you made a mistake in giving him an ultimatum, tell him you want to keep your relationship with him, tell him you're going to give him his space- then back away and let him come to you.

 

It's a choice to engage his gf, and you don't have to. You're his mom, and you're always going to be his mom no matter what. I highly doubt at the age of 22 that he's going to remember this girl's name in 20 years. I'd ride it out and take the high road.

[stacyjmes1]

Try to stay away from them. I think this will be better for a peaceful living.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

I had a falling out with him over the girlfriend after i found out she was bagging me and telling my son i am controlling.

 

 

 

he called me a c**t.

 

Had he been in front of me i would have back handed him.

 

 

Was i right to tell him dont contact me?

 

 

 

You were right in your own, controlling mind, and that's all that matters. Looking back, you, as a woman who "would have back-handed (another adult)" for reasons aside from self defense, created all of this yourself.

[samsungxoxo]

You were right in your own, controlling mind, and that's all that matters. Looking back, you, as a woman who "would have back-handed (another adult)" for reasons aside from self defense, created all of this yourself.

What parents don't know is when we grow up, if they try to hit us or something we might have this instinctual reaction and either stop them, push them aside or hit back. I don't want to say this but about 4-5 years ago, I got into a stupid argument with my mother unrelated to relationships. It got verbally pretty quickly and then she said ''Don't you dare say that to me or I'll slap you'' and I responded with an ''Go ahead, I'm going to hit you back''. She slapped me anyway and was very shocked when I slapped her back and grabbed both of her arms firmly and gave her a serious stare. I honestly didn't even go hard on her but she was still shocked.

 

But I felt terrible afterward. I know it's not as bad as if an adult son were to hit his mother back (I'm a woman) but should have walked away when the argument was getting out of control and it still isn't cool to hit back a parent. I felt just as bad as when a man hits a woman.

Edited August 23, 2013 by samsungxoxo