When the WS never fesses up..

[affairaddict]

Out of interest affairs that end without a D day.

 

1) what percentage do you reckon confess later to their wives down the line?

 

2) do you think they are less likely to confess if they were dumped and didn't want to end the affair, I.e possibly harbouring continued feelings for the OW and spending longer in the fog?

 

3) Do you think that WS who decide to keep it quiet can forget about their AP and fix the problems in their marriage?

[BetrayedH]

Out of interest affairs that end without a D day.

 

1) what percentage do you reckon confess later to their wives down the line?

 

2) do you think they are less likely to confess if they were dumped and didn't want to end the affair, I.e possibly harbouring continued feelings for the OW and spending longer in the fog?

 

3) Do you think that WS who decide to keep it quiet can forget about their AP and fix the problems in their marriage?

 

I can't answer all of this but I'll share a few thoughts:

 

One study of admitted wayward spouses showed that affairs were known to their betrayed spouse about 50% of the time. About half of those were confessions by the WS and the other half were discovered. So, about 25% confess, another 25% are caught, and the other half got away with it (at least up to the point when they were surveyed).

 

I definitely do NOT feel that a WS can fully reconcile their marriage with such a huge lie between them. The marriage is a sham and the WS knows it. There's never any real and true intimacy if one person is lying about their infidelity to the other. Lies preclude intimacy.

 

There's also a high likelihood of another affair since all the WS really learned from the first one is that they could break their vows of fidelity, lie, and get away with it. He's even learned that some OW will keep their mouth shut for him.

 

This is how serial cheaters are born. He will just better manage the next one.

[TaintedLuv]

Out of interest affairs that end without a D day.

 

1) what percentage do you reckon confess later to their wives down the line?

 

2) do you think they are less likely to confess if they were dumped and didn't want to end the affair, I.e possibly harbouring continued feelings for the OW and spending longer in the fog?

 

3) Do you think that WS who decide to keep it quiet can forget about their AP and fix the problems in their marriage?

 

I can only speak for my situation. He will never fess up to his W whether I continue to participate or not. I told him to go improve his life with her since I'm walking away but honestly he's just sitting there doing nothing- drowning himself in a pool of "self pity". I wish he would work on his life. It make me feel alot better knowing he killed us for a good reason like doing the right thing by everyone but he's not strong enough to man up but he wants to stay in the A. If he ends up leaving her down the line, he ll still make himself out to be mr perfect and not ruin his image by confessing he's a cheater. It's all about appearances after all.

[affairaddict]

Gosh 25 percent is low. As I expected. Which makes me wonder further.. If they hide affairs how honest are they about even the small stuff? Probably not very.

[affairaddict]

Yes the problems must still remain. I see him as such a coward not wanting to fix what's wrong with himself or rekindle their emotional connection .

[BetrayedH]

Yes the problems must still remain. I see him as such a coward not wanting to fix what's wrong with himself or rekindle their emotional connection .

 

Courage is not exactly the main characteristic of a cheater. They are conflict-avoidant. And if he's successfully gotten his "needs" met on the side, then all he has learned is that he can avoid conflict successfully. The odds of him working hard to have a good marriage are slim to none.

 

Rest assured, if there are no consequences to his actions, he won't change them.

[BetrayedH]

Gosh 25 percent is low. As I expected. Which makes me wonder further.. If they hide affairs how honest are they about even the small stuff? Probably not very.

 

Probably not very.

 

This is pattern that has to be broken.

[affairaddict]

He's getting married in a couple months. Not even married yet.

At the end when I broke it off I tried saying there must be something wrong at home but he just ignores any reality and won't talk about it. Perhaps he will find it all too much and tell but I doubt it.

[Quiet Storm]

I would say its a small percentage that actually confess.

 

I think many male cheaters are able to compartmentalize very well. Regardless of how it ends, I think they often see the affair as a separate part of their life that is now over. They often enter into an affair with the knowledge that there will be an expiration date. They think ow will eventually get tired the limitations of the affair and end it. Most mm don't end it unless theyre caught.

 

I think for most people, it would be very hard to have true intimacy with a huge lie like an affair being kept secret.

 

I also think that compartmentalizers are different. There are many good cops, soldiers, social workers, coroners that are able to keep work in one box and home in the other. They don't think about work when they're home, and they don't think about home while at work. I think it often works the same for affairs. A lot of them can keep home and affair separate.

 

They don't forget about ow, and many do love ow, but they accept it as an experience and relationship in their life that is now over. Some mm reconcile, some never change and some a new ow.

 

 

I think women in affairs often struggle harder at keeping affair emotions separate from their home life.

[affairaddict]

Not sure mine compartmentalised . He said during Nc he thought about me at home at night both what's she doing how is she and then other times sexually . Perhaps when BS was in bed then I don't know

[TaintedLuv]

Yes the problems must still remain. I see him as such a coward not wanting to fix what's wrong with himself or rekindle their emotional connection .

 

He can be friends with my MM then. They can be cowards together. Some people just don't have the strength to change. It's just easier living a mediocre life.

[TaintedLuv]

Courage is not exactly the main characteristic of a cheater. They are conflict-avoidant. And if he's successfully gotten his "needs" met on the side, then all he has learned is that he can avoid conflict successfully. The odds of him working hard to have a good marriage are slim to none.

 

Rest assured, if there are no consequences to his actions, he won't change them.

 

I agree 100%. It's sad though. Why wouldn't someone want to improve their life? I guess it's easier to sit around and do nothing while two women cater to Ur every need.

[BrokenPrincess]

They don't forget about ow, and many do love ow, but they accept it as an experience and relationship in their life that is now over.

 

Some (most?) days I feel like this about my xMM and our A. I was not caught and have not confessed to my H. The size of secret lessens with time, and I hope eventually the whole thing is out of my mind altogether. I never want to feel this aweful again and I definitely don't want to blow up my family.

 

OP, I have also thought that by not confessing it was slowing my healing process because I could still attribute many positive feelings to my experience in the A, because I have never seen firsthand the destruction on my H's face.

 

That said, my xMM had a DDay and when we briefly rekindled 4 months after his DDay, he said he had thought of me everyday, missed me so much, etc...and theoretically, his recovery should have much more advanced than mine since he'd had the opportunity to let it all out and start to move on, but it seemed like we were both in a smiliar place.

[BetrayedH]

I agree 100%. It's sad though. Why wouldn't someone want to improve their life? I guess it's easier to sit around and do nothing while two women cater to Ur every need.

 

Certainly, having your cake and eating it must be a great thing and a demotivator from making any changes.

 

But I see conflict-avoidance as one of the key ingredients in a wayward. If they had courage, they would either fix their marriage or leave it. Other key factors might be an overdeveloped sense of entitlement or that good ole excessive need for external validation (which plays into the cake eating). I think most of these traits stem from their family of origin/childhood. But if they're never forced to face it, then the coping mechanism continues. Almost everyone uses coping mechanisms of some kind - drugs, alcohol, sex and so forth. And they're actually fairly effective, until they aren't anymore. Typically, the disadvantages have to start outweighing the advantages. For those that "get away with it," I doubt that it ever happens and so the coping mechanisms (such as having affairs) continue. Sadly, these coping mechanisms don't just affect the user; there are many times innocent victims caught up in it as well. Exposure to that person can at least release them from the prison of a fake marriage and wasting the one life they have. It also has the benefit of being that "disadvantage" that may spur the wayward to change. Unfortunately, the AP is typically the one person who may realistically bring the truth to light but they don't out of some misguided sense of loyalty to the wayward and thus, the toxic environment continues.

[affairaddict]

My Ex Aps parents had affairs their whole marriage. One even left the marriage and had a child with the OW, then went back to the wife.

He said he would never be thst man.....

[Owl]

Out of interest affairs that end without a D day.

 

1) what percentage do you reckon confess later to their wives down the line? Very few, IMHO. I think that if they got away with it, they'll keep it hidden for as long as they can. The only ones likely to confess later are either a very small minority that are overwhelmed by the guilt, or a larger percentage that are found out and forced to admit the truth later when proof is given.

 

2) do you think they are less likely to confess if they were dumped and didn't want to end the affair, I.e possibly harbouring continued feelings for the OW and spending longer in the fog? I would agree...if they were dumped (and not caught)...they're more likely to hide it. They're only like to confess if they're busted and even then they'll deny and minimize as much as they can...with a very small percentage that may confess because they actually feel the truth should be known.

 

3) Do you think that WS who decide to keep it quiet can forget about their AP and fix the problems in their marriage? Nope. I don't think it's possible to unilaterally fix the problems in the marriage, even if those problems are entirely internal to the WS. They won't get the feedback they need if they try it all on their own...nor are they likely to focus on fixing the right things. This is key on why the truth needs to be out there for everyone.

 

 

Responses in bold above.