Can you recognize people "ripe" for an A before it happens?

[thecharade]

I sure can. Some of it is based on age and wisdom, and some of it is based on figuring out me and what was/is going on in my M.

 

I can further add that while I do know of two serial cheating, broken women always looking to hook up (big yuck), the 'vibes' are usually from men. These guys are not serial cheaters or good looking or charismatic talker types. They are regular guys that I've known for many years, nice guys. But in a nut shell, they are not happy. They are lonely. They make jokes all the time about finding a cute young intern or a barista at Starbucks. And there are a lot of them! (Why joke with me? It's safe for them because they've known me for 20 years. And they do not know of my love affair with my exbf.)

 

It makes me sad. Not looking to blame wives (honestly), but I wonder why this is so common. What's the problem with marriage or people or both?

[Got it]

No because I don't tend to pay attention to others outside of those immediately close to me. I also don't tend to have discussions with people about their love lives or lack there of.

 

I am apparently perceived as an imposing individual so at least in a work space, I don't get the warm fuzzies that make me very approachable to discuss these things.

 

I am also fairly good at the awkward silence.

 

So no, I cannot tell. Nor do I care.

[grassisorisntgreener]

For me, and I think many, many women it's this moment:

 

Your littlest child is getting more independent. You've finally started to lose some/all of the baby weight. Your getting more sleep. Feeling better about yourself. Your husband isn't helping with the kid(s) as much as you'd like. You start hanging out with other moms, going to more girls nights. Men notice you, you like the attention, a lot... it goes too far.

[thecharade]

I know one guy well enough and have tried to talk to him about his M and how to handle his issues, but he is in big denial. We went with a group to a concert and he told me that I was right, he would like to meet someone for affection and is checking around online. But the next day he texted to say that he didn't remember what he had said and to ignore. He was lying! I like his W, I'd like to help him avoid this "solution," but it's falling on deaf ears. Years ago I would have told myself, "He would never!" But now I know he will.

 

Has anyone had any success keeping a friend out of an A?

 

The other people are just colleagues, not friends. But dang, it bothers me to see people NOT working on stuff. I want them to avoid my mistakes.

[jlola]

Most of the research on cheating suggests that there is a common set of personality traits that set cheaters apart from their non-philandering counter-parts. The sooner you are able to recognize these traits, the closer you will be to protecting yourself from a cheaters selfish ways.

 

1. Cheaters are often narcissists - most often cheaters are narcissists or at the very least they exhibit many similar qualities of a narcissistic personality; they are selfish and greedy and often think only of themselves

 

2. Cheaters are very good liars - a cheater can look you directly in the eyes and tell a lie without even blinking.

 

3. Cheaters are typically very jealous - a person who cheats is constantly questioning you and frequently accusing you of inappropriate behavior or being flirtatious.

 

4. It’s never enough - a common trait among cheaters is their constant need for more; more money, more attention, more recognition etc.; these kind of people are never happy or satisfied. They need constant attention and frequent ego boosts.

 

5. Flirts - cheaters are most often but not always huge flirts. They need validation from the opposite sex and they need to feel wanted by the opposite sex.

 

6. Emotional skeletons - the only truly sad part of a cheaters personality is that they often have emotional scars from their past. Often they were emotionally abused as children, ignored; or love and attention may have been withheld or it’s possible that their own role models were in messed up relationships.

 


7. Thrill seekers - cheaters are sometimes risk takers or thrill seekers in other areas of their lives as well. It all boils down to that “rush” they feel when there is risk involved.

 

8. Past cheating - if your partner has confessed to cheating in past relationships you need to pay close attention, it is a huge indication to the extent of their moral code.

 


9. Upbringing - cheaters often grew up in families were cheating occurred or a parent was disrespected in some other form.

 

10. How he treats his Mother- you can gain a lot of information about a man by the way he treats his mother, and by the way he carries himself in her presence

[ladydesigner]

Most of the research on cheating suggests that there is a common set of personality traits that set cheaters apart from their non-philandering counter-parts. The sooner you are able to recognize these traits, the closer you will be to protecting yourself from a cheaters selfish ways.

 

1. Cheaters are often narcissists - most often cheaters are narcissists or at the very least they exhibit many similar qualities of a narcissistic personality; they are selfish and greedy and often think only of themselves

 

2. Cheaters are very good liars - a cheater can look you directly in the eyes and tell a lie without even blinking.

 

3. Cheaters are typically very jealous - a person who cheats is constantly questioning you and frequently accusing you of inappropriate behavior or being flirtatious.

 

4. It’s never enough - a common trait among cheaters is their constant need for more; more money, more attention, more recognition etc.; these kind of people are never happy or satisfied. They need constant attention and frequent ego boosts.

 

5. Flirts - cheaters are most often but not always huge flirts. They need validation from the opposite sex and they need to feel wanted by the opposite sex.

 

6. Emotional skeletons - the only truly sad part of a cheaters personality is that they often have emotional scars from their past. Often they were emotionally abused as children, ignored; or love and attention may have been withheld or it’s possible that their own role models were in messed up relationships.

 


7. Thrill seekers - cheaters are sometimes risk takers or thrill seekers in other areas of their lives as well. It all boils down to that “rush” they feel when there is risk involved.

 

8. Past cheating - if your partner has confessed to cheating in past relationships you need to pay close attention, it is a huge indication to the extent of their moral code.

 


9. Upbringing - cheaters often grew up in families were cheating occurred or a parent was disrespected in some other form.

 

10. How he treats his Mother- you can gain a lot of information about a man by the way he treats his mother, and by the way he carries himself in her presence

 

Well jlola you just summed up my WH in a nutshell. He was all 10

[fanine]

Well jlola you just summed up my WH in a nutshell. He was all 10

 

Mine too. Unfortunately it took me quite a while to realise all this

[thecharade]

jlola--your list:

 

ExMM: 3/10

 

Me: 0/10 (maybe .5 on #6)

 

My friend: 4/10

 

However, the two MOW that I "know" (not by choice) who are constantly cheating on their Hs both have ALL 10 traits! I am going to say that list is only valid for serial cheaters. I knew one male serial cheater, and he was all 10 of the traits, too.

[fanine]

I did not go looking to have an affair with a married man, but looking back, yes, his unhappiness was palpable. I can see it now in others easily. Those who are "ripe" for an affair, wife or husband. They just exude unhappiness and sadness and discontent. Even before they start saying things out loud about their dissatisfaction with their relationship, they are giving off that vibe of being ready to have something valid and intimate.

 

People that don't eat are malnutritioned and too skinny. Same with not meeting any basic need. It affects everything they say or do. Not having any intimate relationship in your life is something most humans wither under as it is a basic need - touch, love, companionship. We are pack animals, we are biological beings, everyone has seen the studies of the babies in Romania that die from lack of touch. It IS a basic need for almost 100% of humans. When you're starving to death, and your neighbor has food galore, tell me how long you could fight off having that right under your nose when you are so ****ing hungry. We have to eat, we have to love, we have to have touch, just like we have to breathe and drink, to survive. I hate that people think it's a luxury that we can do without. Yeah, good luck with that, do that for 50 years and get back to me on how that worked out for ya. So frustrating that so many don't understand the importance of these basic needs and chalk it up to "selfishness". It's not selfish to get your needs met and it's quite human to get them met in resourceful ways at times when circumstances don't allow the "normal" ways. When you are hungry you will do some things that you wouldn't normally do because we are hardwired for survival.

 

There will be people like this for sure who get involved in affairs. But there are the others too like my xMM who have to get the affection they crave from many other people. My xMM I found out later on, has had a history of so many women, so many affairs. He had a wife who dotes on him, me and then I found out he was still chasing other women. It was never enough for him though. He needed 3 or 4 women it seems on the go at the time.....he needs validation but never feels it. I guess he must be so empty inside and self destructive as well.

[jlola]

I did not go looking to have an affair with a married man, but looking back, yes, his unhappiness was palpable. I can see it now in others easily. Those who are "ripe" for an affair, wife or husband. They just exude unhappiness and sadness and discontent. Even before they start saying things out loud about their dissatisfaction with their relationship, they are giving off that vibe of being ready to have something valid and intimate.

 

People that don't eat are malnutritioned and too skinny. Same with not meeting any basic need. It affects everything they say or do. Not having any intimate relationship in your life is something most humans wither under as it is a basic need - touch, love, companionship. We are pack animals, we are biological beings, everyone has seen the studies of the babies in Romania that die from lack of touch. It IS a basic need for almost 100% of humans. When you're starving to death, and your neighbor has food galore, tell me how long you could fight off having that right under your nose when you are so ****ing hungry. We have to eat, we have to love, we have to have touch, just like we have to breathe and drink, to survive. I hate that people think it's a luxury that we can do without. Yeah, good luck with that, do that for 50 years and get back to me on how that worked out for ya. So frustrating that so many don't understand the importance of these basic needs and chalk it up to "selfishness". It's not selfish to get your needs met and it's quite human to get them met in resourceful ways at times when circumstances don't allow the "normal" ways. When you are hungry you will do some things that you wouldn't normally do because we are hardwired for survival.

 

Let me tell you one thing. The 3 cheaters in y immediate family, my father, my sister and my half sister have one thing in common. They are always unhappy, they are always searching for something to be unhappy about.

 

Cronic feel sorry for me folks. I guess when you are in the middle of it, you see reality very clearly. They also have 2 things in common. They are very selfish and entitled.

 

My father and sisters create their own misery.

 

My father would get home from work and come into our room. You never knew what mood he would be in. If we were in any way happy, he would make sure to throw a glitch in it. Unhappy people create unhappiness. So he would check the room. Clean. He would then go into the closet, clean. He would then go into drawers. One thing out of place.

 

"Oh Happy Day"!! now he could take everything out and throw it on the floor. Take the closet apart. make us clean all as he got upset. He praised everyone's kids. He would praise us in public and claim to be such a great father who was so loving. But at home, it was different.

 

Unhappy with themselves is the reality. My father's affairs partners all thought he wasthe greatest thing since sliced bread. thought he was the best parent. Not understanding as his child, nothing you did was good enough. as his wife it was the same. The only times he was happy was the highs he got from affairs.

 

My sister wh has been married 5 times? None of her exes ever married. they were that traumatized after he was done with them. she comes off as the sweetest thing who is a damsel. At wedding #5 one of my cousins said "C is the nicest woman in the world. until you marry her". So true. Husband #5 went to the hospital less than a year after the marriage due to her "staying late a work and treating him badly".

 

My half sister. same as father and sister. they are never happy with what they have. But funny thing is everyone sees them as the poor victims,since they know how to put on a good mask for the public.

 

When there are people who look unhappy,ask why. many times they have created their unhappiness with unrealistic expectations,entitlement,selfishness and ego.

 

I will say this a million tiles because this is what I have seen. the people I know personally who have affairs have always been the A****le is the relationship. the flirt, the whiner, the entitled one, the selfish one, the narcisist, the "poor me damsel", the alcoholic, the spender, the "bad boy". Only once have I seen the opposite.

 

I am so sick and tired of people choosing to believe my father and sister's version of life. I hardly speak with family members because no matter how often I tell them their perception of these 3 are skewed. I my mother,sister have lived the reality .It goes in one ear and out the other.

 

THEY Want to believe everyone who is doing bad is pushed into it. They are made to act badly by someone. Just like the people who kill,rob or beat someone. It must be the parents fault. Because good parents will never raise a bad child. the child is not at fault.

 

But then how do you explain parents who raise 2-3 really good kids and one is a criminal? Because it is in the nature of the bad seed to be unhappy and blame others for his unhappiness. therefore he will do what he needs to do to make himself happy. No matter what it cost others.

[whatatangledweb]

Most of the research on cheating suggests that there is a common set of personality traits that set cheaters apart from their non-philandering counter-parts. The sooner you are able to recognize these traits, the closer you will be to protecting yourself from a cheaters selfish ways.

 

1. Cheaters are often narcissists - most often cheaters are narcissists or at the very least they exhibit many similar qualities of a narcissistic personality; they are selfish and greedy and often think only of themselves

 

2. Cheaters are very good liars - a cheater can look you directly in the eyes and tell a lie without even blinking.

 

3. Cheaters are typically very jealous - a person who cheats is constantly questioning you and frequently accusing you of inappropriate behavior or being flirtatious.

 

4. It’s never enough - a common trait among cheaters is their constant need for more; more money, more attention, more recognition etc.; these kind of people are never happy or satisfied. They need constant attention and frequent ego boosts.

 

5. Flirts - cheaters are most often but not always huge flirts. They need validation from the opposite sex and they need to feel wanted by the opposite sex.

 

6. Emotional skeletons - the only truly sad part of a cheaters personality is that they often have emotional scars from their past. Often they were emotionally abused as children, ignored; or love and attention may have been withheld or it’s possible that their own role models were in messed up relationships.

 


7. Thrill seekers - cheaters are sometimes risk takers or thrill seekers in other areas of their lives as well. It all boils down to that “rush” they feel when there is risk involved.

 

8. Past cheating - if your partner has confessed to cheating in past relationships you need to pay close attention, it is a huge indication to the extent of their moral code.

 


9. Upbringing - cheaters often grew up in families were cheating occurred or a parent was disrespected in some other form.

 

10. How he treats his Mother- you can gain a lot of information about a man by the way he treats his mother, and by the way he carries himself in her presence

 

My husband only meets one out of the ten. Yet I meet 5 maybe 6 and I have never cheated.

[jlola]

My husband only meets one out of the ten. Yet I meet 5 maybe 6 and I have never cheated.

 

Interesting. Which one does he meet and which 5-6 do you meet? was his long term affair or one night stand? To lie day in and day out for years if it was long mean he is a good liar. So is that the only one? You do not think the affair was stroking his ego? You do not think he was lying to AP, making promises? You do not think him selfish for carrying on with the affair day to day knowing it could destroy everything?

Edited August 19, 2013 by jlola

[ladydesigner]

I will say this a million tiles because this is what I have seen. the people I know personally who have affairs have always been the A****le is the relationship. the flirt, the whiner, the entitled one, the selfish one, the narcisist, the "poor me damsel", the alcoholic, the spender, the "bad boy". Only once have I seen the opposite.

 

jlola your posts always speak to me, my WH must be a Narcissist

 

My WH has always been the miserable one, poor me my life sucks and no one cares. This kind of behavior gets really ****ing old when you are married to someone like this. Any bit of validation he lapped up like a thirsty dog. Don't get me wrong I validated him, just not enough and it was the same validation he had been getting not different validation. If it was different validation then it must have meant something . My WH has always been emotionally distant, but he managed to pin this label on me when I had become sick of the philandering early on. It was this label he used to have an A with MOW. He told me that I had neglected him, yet I had been there the whole time. I was being neglected. I never saw him. He felt entitled to cheat, that he somehow deserved it.

[jlola]

LG, even in the media, when they out the WS it usually is the exact person we would have guessed to be the cheater. There are rarely surprises. usually the selfish one. Jesse James cheating on Bullock did not surprise me at all. Then he cheated on Kat Von D(she thought if she could just keep him happy he would not cheat on her. they all think they are the special one)Most people look at him and think, well how could she have married him in the first place?

 

Because these guys are good at playing victim. sandra probably thought all his bad behavior before was because he was lost, unhappy and had a bad childhood. She thought she could "fix" him like many women with broken men. "I can make him happy". Seems to be the anthem of women who refuse to see the man may have character issues and his unhappiness lays within.

[MissBee]

I can't tell... I am always surprised if I learned someone has cheated.

 

With some people I'm like of course...not surprised at all . With others, it's more surprising.

[So happy together]

There are very few people that know about my bf... but those who do were floored.