Am I losing my mind...what do I do?

[Bellina]

I think I'm in love or obsessed with or just plain crazy over a married man I've known for over 15 years. He's the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I go to bed. I'm constantly daydreaming about him every day and it's having a bad effect on my personal life and and my work life.

 

I've been searching the internet, for the last month, looking for anyone that is or went through the same thing but wasn't able to find anything. Today, in my daily search I came across your forum and thought I'd reach out for help.

 

It's a long story but even if no one reads it, maybe it'll help me to get it out once and for all. I'm crying as I type this and apologize for any poor spelling and/or grammar.

 

I met "Paul" over 15 years ago. We worked in the same office, but he was on the road most days as he's a salesman. When he was in the office, he would come down and join my other friends and myself when we'd go outside for a smoke break. Over time we all became good friends and would go to lunch, gossip etc. but never meet or talk outside of work. There was absolutely nothing between us other than being work friends. He was married and I was in a relationship and quite frankly he wasn't my type, romantically.

 

Since he was on the road most days, he would call me from his cell, in between sales calls, to chat and keep up with the latest office gossip. Over the years, this became a daily habit and not a day went by when we didn't talk. I totally enjoyed his calls...we would laugh and joke about our work, it made the day go by faster. We grew very close and he even called me the day his wife was in labour with their first child. It was a long labour and he was going crazy and would call me several times throughout the day to see what was going on in the office.

 

After 10 years, I got a better job at another company across town and like all work friendships, we remained in touch in the beginning but slowly lost touch, as we didn't really have anything to talk about anymore since we didn't work together.

 

I didn't see him or talk to him for over 3 years. Then, out of the blue, he searches for me and finds my home phone number. He'd been looking for me because the new company that he joined was looking for a new employee and he knew I would be perfect for the job. I wasn't interested, as I was very happy where I was, but we exchanged cell phone numbers and kept in touch.

 

At first he would call me a couple of times a week and we would laugh and reminise about old times and old friends. He still kept in touch with the old 'click' even though all of us had moved on to difference companies. I began to realize that I really missed his calls. Before you knew it, he was calling me every day again. We never talked about anything other than work. He would tell me about his day and would ask about my day.

 

This is where it gets crazy...even though our conversations were very platonic I was starting to feel anything but platonic. We meet for lunch once a month and I live for those days. My heart was beats like a race horse and I am seriously physically attracted to him. Again, we never get personal, it's all work talk. All of a sudden, I would get excited when I saw his call coming through on my cell. I would drop everything to answer it...walk out of meetings, cut short client calls, etc. Just to have a "how's your day" call with Paul.

 

While our conversations are never about our personal lives, it's changed. While we still only talk about work, it's different somehow. When we meet for lunch we'll find ways to touch each other very briefly. I'd lay may hand on his arm very quickly when making a point, then take it off. He does the same thing to me. In conversations, we work in things like "I miss you" and "I was thinking about you". We'd say it in an innocent way like, "Oh you should see how horrible my last sales meeting was. This guy kept messing up. I really miss you. You would always know what to do" or "I was thinking of you today, when the printer blew up..etc". Yesterday, he kept say "I miss you so much" over and over again while telling me about another co-workers antics. When I got off the phone I was jumping around like a giddy school girl...thinking "He misses me! He misses me!" I don't know how to explain it but it feels like it's like a secret code between us...though neither of us acknowledge it.

 

He is married with 2 kids; I'm living in a committed relationship with my boyfriend. I'm trying to keep this as platonic as I can. But I can't stop thinking of him. I feel guilty. I'm crying all the time. One day I think I'm crazy...that all of this is in my head and he doesn't feel anything but friendship. The next day I'm thinking that he loves me too. Why else would he call me every day (most times 3 or 4 times a day)? I feel like I'm going crazy.

 

This weekend I spent most of it in bed crying and day dreaming of being with him. Today, I'm supposed to be working but I can't. I'm sitting here waiting for his next call like a love sick school girl.

 

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm drowning...and the sick part is, that this could be all in my head. For all I know, he does not feel anything for me at all.

 

What can I do? One part of me wants him so badly, one part of me is horrified that I could even consider a married man and one part of me thinks that this is all in my head. Is there anyone else who ever felt like this?

 

If you managed to stick with my rambling, thank you so much. I can't talk to anyone because I'm so ashamed...but it did feel good to have a good cry and write it all down.

[Feb]

Well there's good news and bad news ....

 

The good news is that you are not going crazy ... this is classic, and I mean down to the very sentences you quoted, workplace relationship EA. Two people get along at work, they interpret this to mean they have a friendship and they have a lot in common. The other person is just so easy to talk to, and the conversation just flows, we think alike, we respect each others differences, etc. The spouse at home is somewhat cheated because they will never share that commonality of the office environment, the co-workers, or company situations involved. After all, we spend 8+ hours a day at work, so it's natural to talk and think about it constantly.

 

 

It works between two people because of they way it makes you feel -- you feel flattered that someone would want to talk to you so badly, needed ("I miss you"), desired, listened to, and all the other things that stroke our ego.

 

 

At the same time you both don't have to deal with each others' baggage and all the mundane and not-so-wonderful-and-sexy things that that happen at home: Bills, mortgage, kid's problems, in-laws, dealing with illnesses, cleaning the house, and mowing the lawn.

 

 

To add fuel to the fire, things are getting pretty boring at home. Same partner for 10+ years, you've settled into a routine, the spousal relationship does not give you that high anymore. You may even start to pick apart your partner and focus in on all the things you don't like about them and that irritate you. You add all these factors together and it's a wonder that workplace affairs (in your case ex-workplace) don't happen more often than they do. Look up "workplace affairs" and read about it.

 

 

I can pretty much tell you from first hand experience how this will progress. The conversations will get longer, more intimate, and it might reach a point where you complain about your spouses. The brief touches will turn into hugs and progress from there. But the other good news is that you have not gone too far down this road yet and you can stop it now before it goes beyond a certain point.

 

 

Take a good look at your own life and relationship and to understand what is missing -- both from your own self esteem and what your partner is, or is not giving you. The bad news is that you'll have to back away from Paul. Maybe a full NC without explanation is too much, but cut back on the calls and lunches. Just say you're really busy and he'll understand. Again, whether he feels anything for you is irrelevant at this point. If you want to retain any type of friendship in the long term, you will keep this everything at a distance. To go any further means you'll probably jeopardize the existing relationship.

 

 

If I could go back in time, and be at the same place you are at today, I would have made completely difference decisions. If I made the right decisions, I'm pretty sure we would still be in contact (platonically) today.

[whichwayisup]

Get some counseling because being this obsessed with someone that you can't have is going to ruin your life. There's something wrong if he's on your mind all the time and for so many years. A counselor can help you let go, get you out of the habit of thinking and obsessing about him.

 

The above poster is right, you're not crazy, it's a crush that got out of control and now it's affecting your life way too much.

[Leegh]

Is he unhappily married? Perhaps if he is unhappily married, and if you are willing to give up your relationship, something could become of it. There must be some kind of crack in his relationship with his wife, if he is contacting you so much. It sounds as if you and he are attracted to one another. Perhaps you could ask him questions about his marriage, and if he indicates that he is happily married, you should probably terminate the relationship with him for your emotional protection. On the other hand, if he is unhappily married, then perhaps he's staying in the marriage for his children.

[waterwoman]

Is he unhappily married? Perhaps if he is unhappily married, and if you are willing to give up your relationship, something could become of it. There must be some kind of crack in his relationship with his wife, if he is contacting you so much. It sounds as if you and he are attracted to one another. Perhaps you could ask him questions about his marriage, and if he indicates that he is happily married, you should probably terminate the relationship with him for your emotional protection. On the other hand, if he is unhappily married, then perhaps he's staying in the marriage for his children.

 

Alternatively carry on as you are and, as if by magic, his marriage will start to seem unhappy, and even more magically, he will discover it has actually been unhappy for years .....

[Bellina]

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply. It really felt good to finally be able to share my feelings with someone. I've kept it inside for so long.

 

FEB - when you said,

 

"It works between two people because of they way it makes you feel -- you feel flattered that someone would want to talk to you so badly, needed ("I miss you"), desired, listened to, and all the other things that stroke our ego."

 

it really hit a chord. I never thought of it this way, but you're exactly right. Also, I never thought of it as an affair because it's not like we have intimate talks, or declared anything or even speak about personal feelings about anything other than work. This has gone on this way for years and has never moved anywhere which I think confuses me.

 

 

WHICHWAYISUP - what you said is how I feel. I can see my self being obsessed but can't stop it. It feels like it's only me because wouldn't he have made a move by now? If he had, I could have said no and it would have been done...but now it just grows and grows. I know I should not take his calls but I can't stop.

 

LEEGH - that's the thing... I've never asked him how he feels because we don't talk about our families. In all these 15 years never once did we mention our significant others to each other. In fact, I always noticed that he has no problem talking about his family to other co-workers. I only hear about his wife or kids through them...never from him. It's weird but it's like this unwritten rule between us. Remember when I mentioned that he called the day his wife was in labour, constantly? Well, we never talked about her, only laughed and joked about what was going on in the office. When his daughter was born, he actually called another co-worker to give her the details to pass on to everyone at the office.

 

This is why I'm so confused. It's not what you would call an office romance. It's like we're both afraid to talk about personal things because we don't want to go there but yet we still need to talk to each other every day.

 

The more I talk this out the weirder it is. How can I be this obsessed with someone who I don't even know what his favourite movie is or what he really likes to do to relax, etc?

 

Again, thanks so much for hearing me out. This feeling for him suddenly hit me 2 years ago and it's been continuing to grow every day we talk. I think I am going a bit crazy and need to see a professional. It just doesn't make sense to me. I've never been like this before.

[whichwayisup]

WHICHWAYISUP - what you said is how I feel. I can see my self being obsessed but can't stop it. It feels like it's only me because wouldn't he have made a move by now? If he had, I could have said no and it would have been done...but now it just grows and grows. I know I should not take his calls but I can't stop.

 

The thing is, you have to want to stop. You have to want to get help so you can UNLEARN these habits. And it is a learned behaviour/habit. One that you can break with the help of a therapist who specializes in cognitive behaviour therapy.

 

You can't do it on your own and that's okay..Which is why I think you need to ask for help, seek counseling.