Fiance kissed someone else-

[localokie]

The hardest thing about this is I don't have anyone that I feel I can discuss this with. All of my close friends, whose opinions and advice I would seek, have become her mutual friends and if our relationship continues, I don't want to have exposed all of those people to this thus making it more difficult to have a relationship with my supposed to be wife. So, I'm looking for help from you all-

 

I have been with my fiance for 4 years. We have been engaged for 3 months and are to be wed next March. She has a now 10 year old son who I am a step father to and the only father figure he has ever known. Infidelity has never been an issue in our past with each other as far as I have known.

 

The other night, we were invited to go see some of her friends at a new bar they are working at. No one was available to watch our son so I offered to take him on a twilight deer scout for the upcoming bow season and afterward a night golfing excursion. We played a par 3 course and returned to pick up his mother and her female friend.

 

I went inside to get them and my fiance was completely wasted after 3 hours at the bar, much to my surprise. I watched as she tabbed out and guided everyone to the door. After reaching the car, the two decided they needed to use the restroom and returned for a few minutes and reemerged soon there after. As she was walking out, she hugged who I now know to be the bar owner and began to walk away when he said something and she turned around, put her arm around his neck, and kissed him while he grabbed her ass. I sat completely speechless, considering getting out and completely wrecking the prick.... and would have, had her son not been with me.

 

The rest of the evening included me having to help her to bed and sleeping on the couch in severe anger. When I asked her about what the hell she was doing, she says that she doesn't remember anything and is crying hysterically and begging me to forgive her. I left all the next day and went fishing and golfing by myself, just trying to calm down and get my head straight.

 

Here's the problem. I drank more than my share in college and I don't believe that someone DOES NOT know what they are doing just because they are drunk. I think the alcohol just gives people the reckless abandon to do as they please because intoxication removes the ability to draw the lines between actions and consequences. I have never been so mad or hurt in my life. And now other things starting to eat at me.

 

Every time she drinks, she is flirty and huggy with everyone and tends to take pictures with the entire bar. And, worse yet, she seldom drinks with me. So, I am wondering how many other things like this may have been before. The saying goes that drunk actions are sober thoughts, and that's what has me so messed up. I will also add that the entire time we have been together, I have only seen her drunk 6-7 times. We are not big drinkers and seldom go to bars.

 

How do you ever trust someone like this again? She has sworn off alcohol and ever going out without me and confessed her undying love, but I don't think being drunk makes you forget about the fact that you are supposed to be a taken woman. It makes me even more angry that while I was being responsible and caring for her son while allowing her to go have fun, she managed to throw 4 years of trust and respect in the trash in one evening. And, unlike many of the other posts I have read on here, she did not confess later in a ball of tears as it seems many do. I saw it with my own eyes. Had I not been there, I would never have known about it, being that she was "So drunk I can't even remember."

 

Other than giving up alcohol and nights out alone... what else is there? Is it possible this was a one time thing? Or, is this a statement about how seriously she takes our relationship, respects me, and is willing and able to commit and make quality choices for a family? It wasn't a deep kiss or passionate, but the fact that she let him grab her and kiss her at all is a major mental issue for me. I'm supposed to spend my life with her.

 

I need to hear some other opinions, I'm losing my mind right now-

 

Thanks

[pteromom]

I have definitely been so drunk that I wasn't aware of what I was doing. In some cases, I later remembered and was all WTF? And in other cases, I was blacked out and had no idea about what I was doing.

 

I also disagree that "drunk actions are sober thoughts:". I did some really stupid things drunk that I would NEVER have done sober.

 

She's sworn off alcohol, so if she is serious about that, it should solve the problem IF she only did it because she was drunk. Has she ever done anything else that would cause you to doubt her?

[drifter777]

There is a Latin phrase that translates “in wine [there is the] truth". I believe this to be a fact - alcohol is a truth serum for words and deeds. People will say things like "I never would have done/said that if I wasn't drunk" - which positively proves the point. The booze brought out an action that they couldn't bring themselves to do while sober. I also have seen people that do things like heavy flirting - even actual sex - while drinking and that gives them more courage to do those things when sober. That makes sense to me as lowering inhibitions is generally a gradual thing.

 

Alcoholics will tearfully apologize for their behavior and swear they will never drink again, but they cannot keep that promise without treatment. They are sincere and full of remorse until the urge to drink overcomes them, and then everyone gets to go through the whole mess all over again. This can be a good test for her and you; if she cannot stay away from the bar for more than a week or two it is a huge red flag. When she does go back to the bar, if she is unable to restrict her drinking to whatever she tells you is her "limit", then she is very likely an alcoholic. If this happens you really should just end things with her and let her go her own way. You cannot control her addiction and her behavior while using will hurt you beyond description.

 

As far as wondering about her drunken behavior when you are not with her, you've seen it first hand. She is likely the same flirty, slutty, drunk chick every time she goes out and probably has done more than kiss some guy and let him grab her ass. This is a bad situation right now and has the potential to be a horrible, tragic one for you. I would end it now if I were you.

[Darren Steez]

You've said it yourself, she gets flirty when she's drinking. Drink takes away inhibitions so what do you think is the logical escalation after flirting?

 

So now the question is, does she still keep going out or going to parties on her own because it's going to become a big deal...no doubt she'll pull the "You're being controlling, smothering" card, but fact is, you saw what you saw, it will make you question yourself when she next goes out and doesn't come home on time.

[nescafe1982]

This is a really tough one. IF you can affirm that this is the ONLY such incident, there could be a few possible factors:

 

1) She was too drunk; in this case, quitting drinking (or at least toning it down in public) is the remedy. She also needs to ensure that making out with another man is never within the realm of possibility. Drunk or not drunk, she's responsible for her behaviour. This might have been an accident, but she better learn from it.

 

2) One possibility I haven't seen raised yet: she's wigged out over the recent engagement (or alternatively, she's a self-saboteur) and she acted out in a weird way because of your new relationship status. If this is the case, if may just be a one-time mistake, but she needs to tell you precisely what's got her bothered/scared as well as what she's going to do to correct her behaviour.

 

If she's not doing stuff like this more than that one time, and kissing is all that happened, you guys can probably salvage this relationship/engagement. But sadly, SHE's the one who's going to have to do the work to make up for her actions. Really, I think the best thing you can do it tell her firmly, "what you did was unacceptable, and I expect you to come up with a plan to make this better." If she's going to stop partying/drinking/hanging out with sketchy guys, it's going to have to be HER idea, not yours.

 

Good luck, and sorry you had to see that! That would drive me crazy.

[BeholdtheMan]

Every time she drinks, she is flirty and huggy with everyone and tends to take pictures with the entire bar. And, worse yet, she seldom drinks with me.

This should be concerning you. Alcohol reduces inhibitions. She's definitely aware of her drunken behaviour (if not self-aware, at least other people have pointed it out to her)...yet she continues to drink without you.

 

If she refuses to stop, I predict an affair in your near-future. Sad to say it but people often use drinking as an excuse to act on their latent urges.

[IAmRobot]

I call BS on whoever says that drinking takes away rationality. I've tried many many drugs and NONE of them (even roofies), make people completely black out and not remember their actions and act completely different from themselves.

 

It's usually that people who are trying to do other things, find alcohol or drugs as an excuse to let themselves loose and not be judged since 'they were drunk/high' and it wasn't them. (Hence why so many strippers/escorts do coke on a constant basis).

 

Point being, she has to assume all responsibility and all blame of what happened. Alcohol had nothing to do with it. SHE WANTED TO KISS ANOTHER DUDE... And the fact that she was doing that in front of you, makes me wonder what other things could she have done if you weren't there...

 

Also what's the relationship she has with this bar? Goes often to it? Used to go often? If she does/did, then she probably knew the bar owner from before and this is probably not the only instance this has happened. Between not knowing someone and kissing them there is 100 steps, which your gf did before you were there (hence why the immediate kiss, it sounds almost like the bar owner was calling for his piece of ass to come over...).

 

Now you're giving this woman your biggest gift, you want to be her husband and the father of her son... Do you want to give your greatest gift to a person like this? And do you want to go to that bar and the bar owner immediately being able to think - 'What an idiot - I can make out/**** his girl for free if I want to - he goes and takes care of her after'.

 

I usually never preach pride actions, but in this case, there s 2 things you can do.

- Tell her she broke exclusivity hence you can't be exclusive with her. Keep her on the side and date other people and treat her as if she was just a date to you

- DROP HER AND MOVE THE **** ON.

[ExpatInItaly]

I call BS on whoever says that drinking takes away rationality. I've tried many many drugs and NONE of them (even roofies), make people completely black out and not remember their actions and act completely different from themselves.

 

It's usually that people who are trying to do other things, find alcohol or drugs as an excuse to let themselves loose and not be judged since 'they were drunk/high' and it wasn't them. (Hence why so many strippers/escorts do coke on a constant basis).

 

Point being, she has to assume all responsibility and all blame of what happened. Alcohol had nothing to do with it. SHE WANTED TO KISS ANOTHER DUDE... And the fact that she was doing that in front of you, makes me wonder what other things could she have done if you weren't there...

 

Also what's the relationship she has with this bar? Goes often to it? Used to go often? If she does/did, then she probably knew the bar owner from before and this is probably not the only instance this has happened. Between not knowing someone and kissing them there is 100 steps, which your gf did before you were there (hence why the immediate kiss, it sounds almost like the bar owner was calling for his piece of ass to come over...).

 

Now you're giving this woman your biggest gift, you want to be her husband and the father of her son... Do you want to give your greatest gift to a person like this? And do you want to go to that bar and the bar owner immediately being able to think - 'What an idiot - I can make out/**** his girl for free if I want to - he goes and takes care of her after'.

 

I usually never preach pride actions, but in this case, there s 2 things you can do.

- Tell her she broke exclusivity hence you can't be exclusive with her. Keep her on the side and date other people and treat her as if she was just a date to you

- DROP HER AND MOVE THE **** ON.

 

This is what I was thinking too. They seem pretty familiar to only have met 3 hours prior, when she arrived at the bar. I would be very suspicious about that. What do you know about her relationship with this guy?

[MrBossMan]

I think that it's reasonable that the best way to deal with this situation would be the following:

 

1. Have her agree to stay away from alcohol, or at least stay away from heavy drinking.

2. Keep an eye on her for a while, especially when she'll be around this guy or other "guy friends."

3. Make sure that she doesn't develop a bad attitude about your new found caution, or try to blame you for any of this. If her remorse turns into resentment, then that would be just a small taste of the pain that you're sure to experience in the future.

4. Make sure that you've got it in you and that you're man enough to end the relationship as soon as it becomes clear that it's become toxic. Don't marry until you're confident.

 

Hope it works out.

[Space Ritual]

The hardest thing about this is I don't have anyone that I feel I can discuss this with. All of my close friends, whose opinions and advice I would seek, have become her mutual friends and if our relationship continues, I don't want to have exposed all of those people to this thus making it more difficult to have a relationship with my supposed to be wife. So, I'm looking for help from you all-

 

I have been with my fiance for 4 years. We have been engaged for 3 months and are to be wed next March. She has a now 10 year old son who I am a step father to and the only father figure he has ever known. Infidelity has never been an issue in our past with each other as far as I have known.

 

The other night, we were invited to go see some of her friends at a new bar they are working at. No one was available to watch our son so I offered to take him on a twilight deer scout for the upcoming bow season and afterward a night golfing excursion. We played a par 3 course and returned to pick up his mother and her female friend.

 

I went inside to get them and my fiance was completely wasted after 3 hours at the bar, much to my surprise. I watched as she tabbed out and guided everyone to the door. After reaching the car, the two decided they needed to use the restroom and returned for a few minutes and reemerged soon there after. As she was walking out, she hugged who I now know to be the bar owner and began to walk away when he said something and she turned around, put her arm around his neck, and kissed him while he grabbed her ass. I sat completely speechless, considering getting out and completely wrecking the prick.... and would have, had her son not been with me.

 

The rest of the evening included me having to help her to bed and sleeping on the couch in severe anger. When I asked her about what the hell she was doing, she says that she doesn't remember anything and is crying hysterically and begging me to forgive her. I left all the next day and went fishing and golfing by myself, just trying to calm down and get my head straight.

 

Here's the problem. I drank more than my share in college and I don't believe that someone DOES NOT know what they are doing just because they are drunk. I think the alcohol just gives people the reckless abandon to do as they please because intoxication removes the ability to draw the lines between actions and consequences. I have never been so mad or hurt in my life. And now other things starting to eat at me.

 

Every time she drinks, she is flirty and huggy with everyone and tends to take pictures with the entire bar. And, worse yet, she seldom drinks with me. So, I am wondering how many other things like this may have been before. The saying goes that drunk actions are sober thoughts, and that's what has me so messed up. I will also add that the entire time we have been together, I have only seen her drunk 6-7 times. We are not big drinkers and seldom go to bars.

 

How do you ever trust someone like this again? She has sworn off alcohol and ever going out without me and confessed her undying love, but I don't think being drunk makes you forget about the fact that you are supposed to be a taken woman. It makes me even more angry that while I was being responsible and caring for her son while allowing her to go have fun, she managed to throw 4 years of trust and respect in the trash in one evening. And, unlike many of the other posts I have read on here, she did not confess later in a ball of tears as it seems many do. I saw it with my own eyes. Had I not been there, I would never have known about it, being that she was "So drunk I can't even remember."

 

Other than giving up alcohol and nights out alone... what else is there? Is it possible this was a one time thing? Or, is this a statement about how seriously she takes our relationship, respects me, and is willing and able to commit and make quality choices for a family? It wasn't a deep kiss or passionate, but the fact that she let him grab her and kiss her at all is a major mental issue for me. I'm supposed to spend my life with her.

 

I need to hear some other opinions, I'm losing my mind right now-

 

Thanks

 

 

You two have a child together? That makes it way more difficult of course but please do not and I mean DO NOT marry this woman....her crying hysterically and swearing off of liquor is nothing more than a promise that will be broken probably Labor Day weekend....(I don't mean to be a jackwagon I just know that "sobriety ship" that the life of the party people swear to after they get busted being an idiot usually never gets out of dry dock....lol)

Seriously dude I was 3 weeks from my wedding when I walked in on my fiance screwing my friend in my bed, so I know a bit about what I am talking about...Please please please please please end it as soon as possible and choose to be a Co-Parent.